♡°♡My goal is....trophy wife♡°♡

[ihaveacupcake]

Morning

 

I weighed myself cuz I wanted to see how a 2200 cal day measured up on the scale. 138.2! I lost weight. Cool!

 

Woke up at 6 to pace for an hr. Then got the kiddos up, fed and off to school. Took Bear (dog) out for a walk, had my yummy eggs and toast for brekky and chores.

 

Worked out upper body with 5lb weights and did 20 mins of interval training on my treadmill. I felt strong during my treadmill time! Glad I had a rest day yesterday. 

 

I almost didn't interval train and just walked on an incline, but I remembered how energized I feel after, and I was right! Then I paced some more, did dishes and played with Bear.

 

Also, I'm so bored of weights. I've been working out for...2 or 3 weeks? Weights and walking. But I haven't enjoyed weights really at all. But interval training, I love it so much! My new fitness goal is to run 30 mins straight. So I'm unsure if I'll continue with weights, it's just boring to me.

 

Hubs thinks running is good enough. He would like to see me lose 20 pounds (gw 120) and I want to do that for him. I wanna be a trophy wife lol. He says I already am, but I'd be more so if I lost 20 pounds.

 

I'm losing weight constantly which is good! I'm glad I don't have to starve to lose weight.

 

So new goals

 

Lose 20 pounds- 140 to 120

Continue interval training and work my way up to 30 mins straight.

 

Maybe I can find a running app? I've always been into cardio, I played hockey for 12 years and wrestled for 2

[ihaveacupcake]

Brekky- 2 cups loaded coffee, 1 peice raisin toast with pb, 2 eggs

Lunch- Deli meat sandwich, milk

Snack- 1 loaded coffee, chocolate milk

Supper- Fish, curly fries with ketchup, carrots

Snack- 2 yogurts, 5 gummy bears

 

Total- 1823

Protein- 83g

Steps- 29k

 

Afternoon

 

Lunch was a toasted ham sandwich on multigrain toast with mustard and a small glass of milk. Nice and filling. Better than my cereal! 

 

Then I paced for a while more before I chilled and watched biggest loser while drinking a loaded coffee.

 

----------

 

I'm in pain and it sucks. 7 years ago I had cervical cancer and had surgery and radiation done to beat it (ya I kicked cancers ass!) But it's left me with life long pain. That's partly why I would smoke a lot of pot, to manage pain and constant nausea. But I don't like being high all day anymore, and the fatigue from being stoned all day killed me. But luckily I have cbd that helps manage pain and nausea, it doesn't work as good as pot but it does bring some relief.  

 

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Picked up the kiddos from school, no homework today. Then I chilled with them for a bit while they played.

 

My stomach is bothering me so I had a cbd hoot and it helped a bit. I'm looking forward to pot tho once hubs gets home, pot completely takes away nausea and stomach pain.

 

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Hubs got home, yay! I always miss him when he's at work. I'm a stay at home mom so I have lots of time alone and often get lonely. I ran to have a hoot

 

----------

 

Oof, I think I gotta stop smoking when hubs gets home. I had crazy anxiety. I used to worry all day about stuff, but since I've been sober during the day, I haven't had anxiety. I worry about future things and how I'll handle it. Example, we are going to family's for Thanksgiving and I worry about how to keep the kids entertained and out of trouble. I gotta bring roasted potatoes and I'm bad at cooking, so I'm terrified I'll fuck it up and bring nothing. 

 

My hubs is an amazing cook and will help me, so why should I be worried? 

 

Earlier today while sober, I was a little nervous about it but I knew it would be ok.

 

Maybe my psychiatrist had my diagnoses right... schizoeffective disorder with cannabis induced psychosis and depression. Schizoeffective disorder is basically schizophrenia and bi polar together.

 

I'm on 3 different medications, 2 antipsychotics and a antidepressant. I'm slowly weaning off my antidepressant bc I'm stable enough without it. But I'll probably be on my antipsychotics for life, and I'm just fine with that.

 

Maybe pot does make me worse... I don't get anxiety at bed time so I'll continue to use it as a sleep aid... I also hear voices I just realized, it thought they were wild thoughts, but I realize I actually hear them. Well now...I think I'll give it up in the evenings. 

 

 

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Supper was fish, curly fries and carrots. Yum yum. Then got to kiddos in bed, had 2 low cal yogurts for a snack, then bed! Nighty night!

 

Oh also, I'm super excited to interval train tomorrow! My poor kid will be without his computer for 20 mins? We can't run both bc it blows the breaker ?

 

And I get go offically weigh tomorrow, see how much I've lost this past week!

[ihaveacupcake]

I'm not happy with this number. Think I'll reduce calories to 1600.

 

My tdee from yesterday 

 

 

[ihaveacupcake]

So I have decided to keep working out with my little weights. My workout is only 10 mins. Short but I'm sure it's still beneficial. I workout my upper body and lower body 3x a week each, so 6 days a week.  Today is lower body day!

 

I've always been a quitter, I don't want to quit any aspect of my fitness, I'm 36, I've had cancer, I have a mental disorder... fitness will help keep me healthy.

 

As far steps go, I'm putting a cap of 23k on it. I don't need to do more. Especially since im dropping calories .

[Elastigirl]

I'm glad that you are keeping up with lifting the weights. As we age, unless we work at it, we  will start to lose muscle. Also a great idea to cap the steps.

[ihaveacupcake]

Morning

 

Not happy with my weigh in. After all the pacing, I should've lost more. I weighed less on Friday.

 

Got up at 6 to pace. I normally reach close to 10k Saturday mornings. Hopefully I will.

 

I've decided to give up cream and sugar in my coffee to save calories. I have 3 cups of coffee a day totaling 400 cals! I'd rather these calories go towards food. I'm prepared to be tired the next few days from lack of sugar. And of course I decide this after my morning coffee lol. Black coffee....will be an acquired taste but I've read up on it and everyone says you'll get used to it.

 

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I think today might be a depressive day (way to be positive huh?) I'm just not feeling it today. I think working out later will make me feel better. An accomplishment. I don't get that from all the pacing anymore.

 

Hubs woke up at 8 and got calls from work right off the bat (he's on call this weekend) and it sucks. He is my rock and I miss him when he's gone. This doesn't help my depression.

 

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Made the kids chocolate chip pancakes for brekky. Hubs was supposed to make bacon and eggs for them. Oh well, this means I can have eggs today!

 

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At 9 I ate my brekky, started chores, then hubs came home! Yay, he wasn't gone long!

 

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At 11 I did a quick lower body workout. My legs are dead now. All the pacing I do probably isn't good for my legs, not with working them out 3x a week and interval training. I'm scaling my steps back to 15k. Doing more makes me think it's just about burning calories. This isn't an anorexic site, this is a fitness and well-being site. Doing less steps makes time for more cleaning and just chillin.

 

I have my 15k steps so I don't need to worry about more pacing.

[Jean]

Hi there! You seem to be doing well, at least from an outside perspective.

I just wanted to weigh in on that:

2 hours ago, ihaveacupcake said:

Not happy with my weigh in. After all the pacing, I should've lost more. I weighed less on Friday.

I wouldn't focus on daily readings: we're made of roughly 60% water, our hydration level can have huge impacts on our daily weight and significant fluctuations should be expected. I'd focus instead on the longer term trend, watch if over the course of a week we're going in the direction we want to and if the weeks after that continue the trend.

I'd also be wary, when using weight as a metric, to keep in mind that muscle is heavier than fat. If you're exercising and building muscles (which is good) while simultaneously loosing fat, you may get a better silouhette even though your weight is stable or going up.

[ihaveacupcake]

18 minutes ago, Jean said:

Hi there! You seem to be doing well, at least from an outside perspective.

I just wanted to weigh in on that:

I wouldn't focus on daily readings: we're made of roughly 60% water, our hydration level can have huge impacts on our daily weight and significant fluctuations should be expected. I'd focus instead on the longer term trend, watch if over the course of a week we're going in the direction we want to and if the weeks after that continue the trend.

I'd also be wary, when using weight as a metric, to keep in mind that muscle is heavier than fat. If you're exercising and building muscles (which is good) while simultaneously loosing fat, you may get a better silouhette even though your weight is stable or going up.

Thanks for your input! It put things into perspective for me. 

[ihaveacupcake]

Brekky- 2 cups loaded coffee, 1 peice raisin toast with pb, 2 eggs

Lunch- Deli meat sandwich, milk

Snack- 1 black coffee, 2 low cal yogurts, 8 goldfish crackers

Supper- Chicken leg, cauliflower 

Snack- Fruit bar

 

Total- 1565

Protein- 91g

Steps- 19k

 

Afternoon 

 

At 12 I had my lunch. I feel physically much better after a meat sandwich compared to just cereal thanks to protein.

 

At 12:30 I had a quick nap and at 1 I had a black coffee....yum ?

 

I'm feeling quite depressed today, no reason as to why, just feel mentally drained. ? 

 

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Watched tv most of the afternoon. I'm watching "the real housewives of Beverly Hills". There are only 2 seasons on Netflix, but on Hayu, there are all seasons (11 seasons). We have stacktv but never watch it, so I think I conviced my hubs to cancel stacktv and get Hayu. Lots of good shows to watch on there. 

 

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We most likely won't be going shopping today. Hubs has had to go to work 4x today. He's gone now and it's almost 5, so most likely won't be going. That's ok, I'm not wanting to go out anyway. I'm still feeling pretty depressed today. I'm having trouble remaining positive. 

 

----------

 

Nope, no shopping today. That's ok, I'd rather stay in. Hubs is going to bbq chicken legs! I'll do sidekick noodles (none for me) and cauliflower. 

 

And yay! I can get Hayu, lots of shows to watch ? That put me in a right good mood.

 

----------

 

Supper was really good! Got clean up done and kids in bed. Then I had a snack, a fruit bar. 

 

So I've been thinking about my calories, how much I should have since I won't be pacing as much. I think 1600 will be good. 

 

I'll also only weigh once a week just out of curiosity, but I know I won't gain on 1600, so weather I lose a little weight or maybe go through a recomp ( can that happen using light weights?) the number on the scale won't matter. I'll guage my progress through my clothes. I have some outfits that don't fit, so my goal is to fit into them again and even make them a little big.

 

Alright, nighty night!

[ihaveacupcake]

Tdee from yesterday 

 

[ihaveacupcake]

Morning

 

Woke up at 6 to get a big chunk of pacing done. Had 2 cups of black coffee. And bleh, I can not do black coffee! I'll just work the 400 cals in. My loaded coffee is one of my simple pleasures that helps keeps me happy ? 

 

I had my lunch as breakfast cuz it was quick and easy before church. It was hard not to have more, I just love the taste of food so much my portion control goes out the window, but I managed to stick to my planned meal. Made me feel good!

 

Church was ok. I slept through it like always lol. Since getting my marbles back through medication, I'm just not into religion anymore. I believe in God and Jesus and try to live a good life, but that's about it. 

 

I had to chocolate chip cookies after church. Yum! Then we went grocery shopping

 

 

[ihaveacupcake]

I'm struggling right now with anorexic thoughts. I want to restrict to 1200 to lose weight faster. But I'm trying to remind myself that that isn't sustainable. I'll binge if I go too low. But the struggle is real. 

 

That and I wont be able to keep with my fitness if I restrict too low.

 

I feel so guilty over having 2 cookies at church, I'm trying to tell myself I hardly eat junk anymore and it's ok to have a treat. *sigh* The struggle is real.

[Elastigirl]

Sorry you are struggling. It sounds like even though your mind is throwing those thoughts your way , you are doing a good job of reminding yourself of the truths. Sometimes that what the struggle is. Having those unwanted thoughts, but not following your feelings , and reminding yourself of what is true.

[ihaveacupcake]

 

I'm taking a step back from posting. But I'll:

 

Eat 1200 calories

Interval training 5x a week

Leaving the weights behind. I just hate them so much

Giving up pacing.

I want to lose 20-30 pounds

[ihaveacupcake]

So I have decided to keep posting. I need a place to write down all my thoughts as I lose weight.

 

So I'm not working out with weights anymore, I just dread them. Instead I will keep interval training and work on my cardiovascular health and weight loss. I love cardio. But I won't be pacing anymore, my legs were becoming too tired all the time. 

 

Today however is a rest day, since kids are off school for Thanksgiving and running on my treadmill is hard with little kids wanting to play on it.

 

I will be keeping up (or rather down) with my weight. I know anorexia is trying to seep in but I won't let it ruin my life. My tdee when I'm not pacing is around 1400, so 1200 is enough to lose weight slowly.

 

Part of me feels like I don't belong here bc I won't be doing weights anymore. *sigh* problems right?

 

I'm so pissed off, I did nice gel nails only to have 2 chip today. I realized my lamp is old and not curing them properly. It sucks! Now I have to remove them tomorrow ? I officallly hate nails now, I probably won't even paint them anymore.

 

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Today we are going to my BIL and SIL place for Thanksgiving dinner. I'm making roasted potatoes. I've only done this once before. But there were only 5 people, today there will be 14! I'm scared shitless. I'm scared I won't make enough or they will be too salty. I don't have garlic powder, so I have to use garlic salt, and just not add kosher salt... says the hubby. I HATE cooking so much. Please God, let this turn out alright.

[ihaveacupcake]

My depression is still bothering me. I feel like I'm sinking in sinking sand. I can barely breathe. It's not anxiety that's bothering me, but depression. Everything seems gray to me. I can't think straight.

 

I just wanna crawl into a  dark room and not come out till my episode passes

[ihaveacupcake]

So got the potatoes cooking. Hubs did most of the work while I watched and learned. I'm very nervous if they will turn out ok. Hubs isn't nervous, so I shouldn't be either I guess.

 

So I've decided to cut down on vaping even more starting tomorrow. I went from 4 tanks to 2 tanks. Tomorrow I will have 1 tank, then quit. It's just too expensive plus I have to rely on my hubs to get juice and it kinda sucks when I'm getting low and the anxiety of going without hits me hard. So best to just quit. Better for my health too.

 

So I'm thinking...I will continue to use weights. This weekend has been difficult with my emotions and I'm bad to making rash decisions when I'm depressed. So tomorrow will be leg day and interval training. I will continue to pace 15k-20k steps and I'll increase my calories to 1500-1600. I can't low restrict, it's just too unhealthy for me. I will start this tomorrow. For tonight, I'm going to enjoy my Thanksgiving meal

[Elastigirl]

2 hours ago, ihaveacupcake said:

For tonight, I'm going to enjoy my Thanksgiving meal

You must be Canadian. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

 

edit to add: My hubby is so much better at mashing potatoes. I struggle with the consistency and not having them be lumpy or the starchy overmixed texture. My specialty is roasted potatoes

[ihaveacupcake]

52 minutes ago, Elastigirl said:

You must be Canadian. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.

 

edit to add: My hubby is so much better at mashing potatoes. I struggle with the consistency and not having them be lumpy or the starchy overmixed texture. My specialty is roasted potatoes

Yes I am Canadian ??  my hubs and I made roasted potatoes and they turned out great! 

[ihaveacupcake]

Brekky- 2 cups loaded coffee, 2 eggs, 1 peice Deli meat

Lunch- Yogurt and granola 

Snack- 1 loaded coffee

Supper- Turkey, meat balls, potatoes, pickled coslaw, 2 desserts

 

Total- idk, didn't count

 

Supper was so good! It was nice not to worry about calories.

 

Now onto fitness, I'm going to start using 7lbs for my workout. 5s are just too light and pose no challenge. I want to lift heavier weights, but my hubby doesn't want me being too muscular (I build muscle easily) so we settled for 7s. He's more into I should do more cardio and supports my running goals. Other than wanting to be a trophy wife, I want to become very fit. I have a running goal of being able to run for 30 mins straight. So to achieve my fitness goals, I will:

 

Workout with 7lb weights 6x a week

Interval train 5x a week

Pace 15k steps a day (I feel so bored without it)

Eat 1800 cals, concentrating on good nutrition and protein.

 

I'm happy now, the potato fiasco is done with, I'm stoned for the night and not feeling depressed anymore.  

 

When I looked in the mirror while getting my pj's on, I swear I was skinnier! Love that feeling!

 

Also, I'm going to quit vaping nicotine starting tomorrow. I've reduced it from 4 tanks to 1.5 tanks for 2 weeks. Now is the time to quit. I rely on my hubby to get juice and that's annoying, and it costs too much money. I will distract myself with number 1, fitness. Gotta keep those endorphins going! And 2, by coloring. I started coloring a lot when I was in the mental hospital, it's so calming to me.

 

Ok nighty night!

[TimovieMan]

On 10/14/2024 at 4:46 AM, ihaveacupcake said:

Eat 1200 calories

That's very low. I'm going to quote yourself:

On 10/13/2024 at 9:04 PM, ihaveacupcake said:

But I'm trying to remind myself that that isn't sustainable. I'll binge if I go too low. But the struggle is real. 

 

That and I wont be able to keep with my fitness if I restrict too low.

^ This.

 

19 hours ago, ihaveacupcake said:

Part of me feels like I don't belong here bc I won't be doing weights anymore. *sigh* problems right?

Everyone is welcome here! And truth be told: most aren't doing weights either... ?

 

15 hours ago, ihaveacupcake said:

I'll increase my calories to 1500-1600. I can't low restrict, it's just too unhealthy for me.

Sounds healthier, especially given your activity level. Remember: it's a marathon, not a sprint.

[ihaveacupcake]

Morning

 

I woke up with what felt like a sugar hangover lol. I ate a lot of sugar last night and I'm not used to it. So I took some meds and had coffee and I'm feeling better.

 

I'm feeling blah this morning, so I'm looking forward to getting back on track today. I think I'll stop counting calories, I'm just becoming so obsessed with the numbers, it's just not healthy. 

 

I eat pretty much the same thing everyday, which is around 1600 cals. 

 

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Well, workout didn't happen. I still feel hungover lol ? Instead I descaled my coffee maker and made chocolate chip banana bread for my kids. 

 

I did pace tho, nice leisurely walk around the house while listening to music. I used to listen to a lot of true crime but lately it's just to much for me. Hearing all the bad things people do I think is affecting my depression, it never used to, so what changed?

 

No vaping is going good, I suck on a pen when I feel like vaping, which for some reason helps.

 

[ihaveacupcake]

4 hours ago, TimovieMan said:

That's very low. I'm going to quote yourself:

^ This.

 

Everyone is welcome here! And truth be told: most aren't doing weights either... ?

 

Sounds healthier, especially given your activity level. Remember: it's a marathon, not a sprint.

Thanks for the reminders! ?

[ihaveacupcake]

Brekky- 2 cups loaded coffee, 2 eggs, 1 peice deli meat, raisin toast with pb and honey

Lunch- Yogurt and granola 

Snack- 1 loaded coffee, chocolate milk, 2 oreo cookies, banana bread

Supper- Chicken fingers, potatoes, veggies

Snack- Fruit bar

 

Afternoon

 

I was tired all afternoon. And as I'm watching tv I got a sugar cravings, so I had 2 oreos and 2 whippets. I'm not happy with that but at least it was good. And I feel a little better from the sugar.

 

Then I saw an old pic of myself from 4 years ago, I was 130 lbs and looked so skinny. I also ate twice a day, no snacking, no pacing. I want to be her again... So I will be. Starting tomorrow I will only eat lunch and dinner. I'll survive then rest of then time on coffee. I'll still pace a bit tho.

 

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Picked up the kids from school and served freshly baked chocolate chip banana bread after homework. I had 2 end peices, yum ?. 

 

I'm excited and nervous about my new diet tomorrow. Excited that I'll take control of my intake and lose weight. Nervous cuz I'm going to be hungry for a while and I hate hunger. 

 

On a vaping note, I caved and vaped this afternoon. But now I'm out of juice, hubs left work late so couldn't pick some up. Guess I'm quitting for good.

 

----------

 

Supper was chicken fingers, left over potatoes and mixed veggies. Not super great, but a quick meal nonetheless. 

 

Hubs has to get up at 1 to go work a job 4.5 hrs away. I probably won't see him till Thursday ? So he went to bed right after supper. I cleaned up, made lunches, got the kids a snack then bed. I watched some of my drama show then went to bed myself.

 

Here's hoping I stick to my new meal plan and fitness plan tomorrow!

 

Nighty night!

[ihaveacupcake]

Morning

 

Well, husband left for work at 2am and won't be back till tomorrow ?

 

So I got the kiddos up, fed and off to school. Took Bear out for a nice walk, had Brekky, did chores, errands then paced when I got home. No workout today, I'm still feeling a little under the weather and my stomach hurts. So I leisurely walked 20k steps then sat down to enjoy my girly drama shows, I'm watching "the real housewives of Beverly Hills" and "vanderpump rules". 

 

I was so tired after watching tv I took a 30 min nap. And I felt much better after! Here I thought I needed a long nap to feel OK, but nope, a short nap works too.