What Would You Say...

[Seiferre]

If someone asked for your help to work out?

This is for my boyfriend, whom I've been seeing for five years. He's an avid gamer/junk food eater, although he does a lot of physical labor at work (He's a baggage handler for the airline industry). He's always been a big guy, he wears XL shirts and it's gotten to the point where he doesn't know his pant size because he keeps having to buy larger sizes.

At any rate, we've just discovered (via his father) that his family has a history of heart disease on both sides of his family. This freaks him out because he was also diagnosed with sleep apnea, which (I'm told) is a contributor to heart disease. He also sleeps 12 hours out of the day, sometimes 14 if he's really tired.

I know that I can't really force or convince him to work out, he has to come to that conclusion himself. I showed him NF's beginner's workout and he expressed interest in doing that for himself, but besides that, I don't really know what else to do or say. I would like him to adjust his diet a little, and he has been trying to adjust his portions (It's working; he used to be able to devour one whole pizza and now he can only finish half, which yes, is a big improvement), but he isn't really on board with the whole "healthy eating" thing.

Since he's coming around to the idea of working out, do you guys have any tips to poke/prod him into maybe eating a little healthier, or keeping him on a workout regimen? He asked me to create one for him, but... :\

(I should mention that he is really pressed for money between Rent ($300), Electricity/Water bills, a phone bill, internet bill, and $100/month for transportation.)

[leadchipmunk]

To get him to eat healthier could just be from your eating better. If you are living with him (dunno whether this is the case or not), then your being around him often can inspire him to join in (this can be the case if living apart, but is stronger when you are around most of the time). Another option is for you to offer to cook dinner X nights a week/month. It wouldn't really cost more than getting take out, and can get him to start liking the taste of healthier foods.

I'd also suggest getting him to try out different exercises to see what he likes to do. The Beginner Bodyweight workout may not fit with him, but lifting heavy may, or there's running, etc. With the money being tight, I say check out gyms that offer a free introductory week, some will even offer one or 2 personal trainer sessions with it. Depending on where you live, you could possibly work your way into upwards of 2 months at gyms for free. If he likes it, check out craigslist for cheap weights and save up for them. 5 or 10 bucks a pay can usually get you a used weight set within 2 months.

[Raincloak]

My first question would be "How serious are you about accepting my help?" Because what a lot of people really want when they ask for help or advice is:

1) someone to listen sympathetically to them complain/make excuses

2) someone to do the hard parts for them (which is impossible in many cases).

What they often don't want is to hear "You need to do (insert difficult thing)," or "You are doing it wrong." But if your boyfriend actually wants your help, that is what he is asking for, so make sure that's what he is prepared to get before you give it. Otherwise you'll just damage the relationship.

If he's short on money, there are ways to get more of it or spend less. I frankly don't see why the man is broke, if he has a job and his rent is so low. All the expenses you list are just a part of life for normal adults. But I would suggest to switch to a cheaper phone plan and cancel the Internet service at home. Internet is available for free at any library, at home it's just a luxury which encourages couch potato behavior. You can also save electricity and water by using less and adjusting the water heater and thermostat. And it's fair to point out that junk food and games cost way more money than a YMCA membership, or a few sacks of vegetables.

That said, he's already getting some exercise at work (at least lifting things intermittently) and workouts are free. His biggest problem isn't exercise, it's diet. If you are clear about the "help" thing, I suggest you teach him to read nutrition labels (he might be very surprised what's in his food), and teach him to cook. Don't make it about teacher and student, invite him to cook WITH you (eg chop veggies, measure things, hand you spices, taste and adjust). He may get the hang of it.

You can also talk about the benefits of a healthier lifestyle: if he drops some weight, his sleep apnea may ease up, which will make him more energetic and he will not need to sleep so much because his quality of sleep will be better. Encourage some independence from the electronic junk as well; that's not helping him get the rest he needs at night.

[SusieBlu]

I had a similar issue with my ex. He wanted to lose wieght, work out more, etc. But he really wasn't committed to it. So me wanting to be helpful, knowing a better diet and more excerise would be good for him I did all the work. I had all the meals, even his lunches, but he wasn't going to give up his Monsters at work or not order pizza on the weekends instead of making something.

Long story before you help he needs to help himself than your help will be better recieved.

[Tola Seng]

Seiffere, Lots of great practical advice above, so I won't repeat what's been said. They're all worth a shot (maybe you've already tried them all), but at some point, the underlying truth must come out.

I don't say this lightly because I understand how it may be perceived in the wrong light. I offer this because, like you, I have also had to deal with similar issues of wanting to help others. So I speak of this because of the success it has brought to my own life.

Here is my suggestion to you:

Relationships are simply a mirror to our own perceptions. What we see in others is simply what we see within ourselves. This is the basis of all hardships in relationships: We always want the OTHER person to change. The truth is, WE MUST change ourselves first. For example:

If you think your partner is unloving, then look into yourself and perhaps you may see that it is you who is not the best beacon of unconditional love.

If you think your partner is lazy, then look into yourself and perhaps you may see that it is you who is not the epitome of hard work.

If you think your partner is unsupportive, then look into yourself and perhaps you may see that it is you who is not the pinnacle of a supportive partner.

Likewise, if you think your partner is unhealthy, then look into yourself and perhaps you may see that is you who is not the definition of good health.

I know this may come across the wrong way, yet I take the risk of suggesting it because I know that it works. If you are able to see within yourself what you find fault in others, and take action to correct it (within you), then the other person will begin to change as well.

This requires a tough, honest look within our own faults and trust me, I understand how difficult it is.

And if all else fails, then take him to a hospital and ask him to talk to the patients with chronic heart failure or view a heart bypass surgery. Sometimes what we need is a cold, hard dose of reality.

Good luck!

[BeigeTurtle]

Hi Seiferre. I would like an update, as well! I would also say that for me, one major part of eating a good diet is to make sure it's the easiest option for me. I.e., no junk food in the house, because if it's there, I'll eat it. If I cook something healthy, I try to make several portions at once and keep extra meals in the freezeer, so that it's easier than ordering pizza or delivery or getting something frozen at the grocery store. (Admittedly I am still working on all of this, but hey, this has all worked for me in the past.) Maybe it's worth the two of you devoting one afternoon a week to making lots of food, and then freezing extras so he has healthy options at hand.

[Gobnait]

I'm of the opinion that if you can have pizza, you can eat healthy. If he's ordering pickup pizza, try using grocery store for takeout, especially rotisserie chicken. If it's delivery, go vegetarian chinese or sandwich; if it's restaurant go healthy-style in an old-people diner.

Frozen pizza can be dressed up, especially if you're getting the cheapest brand. I can't remember the most normal bag of frozen vegetables to go on a pizza, but about half of them should work well enough. (Pure frozen vegetables. The sauced ones should be combined with rotisserie chicken or sausages or baked IQF or something.)

Home-made pizza or boboli, expand the cooking skills. If you're willing and he's lazy enough, just ask him to chip in for groceries, cook dinner, and throw fits about how he doesn't love you if he doesn't eat your cooking or learn to cook himself.

As far as the workout routine, maybe make your half-effort day be something he can keep up with, and have him be your workout partner.

And there is some heart-searching about how in-love you are. At what point do you stop looking for alternative mates who aren't likely to die before hitting the average life expectancy?