Support, or lack thereof, of partners/spouses/girl or boyfriends?

[zaika]

What do you do when you face resistence over dietary choices?

I'm not getting an all out NO over what I want to eat, but I'm getting some eye rolling over my desire to cut most gluten from my diet. (Chef boyfriend gets dietary requests all day long, and has strong opinions about the gluten free fad...it's a point of disagreement between us) Since I'm not the one who cooks dinner, whenever he asks what I'd like for dinner and I tell him "a shit ton of veggies and a little meat", I usually end up getting a small handful of veggies on a bowl full of pasta or rice. (full disclosure, he is also cooking for a third person who is a vegetarian, so it's easier to just go veggie) I've offered to cook for myself, but he acts pretty hurt and then I feel guilty and let him do his thing. He wants to take care of me, and I've tried gently suggesting what will actually be the best way to do so, but he just has this strange aversion to the gluten free part of my ideal diet. When he actually DOES give me what I've requested (after he asks me what I want!!), it's done with derision and I feel extremely guilty and then let him do what he wants until the next time. I've let him know, over and over again, that pasta and rice give me heartburn and I'm not satisfied, but he thinks that grains are good for you.

Any suggestions for what to say or do? Should I woman up and just start cooking my own meals, eye rolling be damned? Are there any magic words?

Thank you for any advice you might have.

[Thrillho]

For a long time I just got eyerolls and "Uh huh, right, sure" from my wife. I would go a week without seconds, without dessert, without sugar, eating my vegetables... and on the weekend we'd be at her parents' place, and I'd have a pop, and she would look at me and snark "So, how's that diet going, anyways?" It's only recently, after four years of this, that she's starting to accept it, and even making helpful suggestions.

I definitely feel for ya. I have a hard time modifying my diet TOO much, since I have a vegetarian wife and three kids with different levels of pickiness and nutritional requirements, and I do all of the cooking. I've never found any magic words. My advice would be telling him straight up "Look, I know you think grains are awesome, but they give me heartburn. They actually cause me pain. I prefer vegetables. Please help me out with this." The gently suggesting method doesn't seem to be working.

Also, poke him with a fork when he disobeys.

[concretecavewoman]

This sounds like a communication issue more than a dietary issue. Maybe an honest sit-down where you express that he doesn't seem to support your food choices and you'd like to understand why could help; you should also present why you're making these choices, and, if you feel that it would help, ask for his support in your pursuit of a healthier lifestyle. It's possible that he views it as a judgment on his cooking (or something completely non-related that irritates him) and he's just not expressing it appropriately (derision is, IMO, never really an appropriate form of communication for partners/spouses unless it's a pure joke).

[shagy2303]

i was told to get a new wife lol

[Max]

Your life, your body, your mind. Gotta fight for them.

Definitely a comms issue

My tips for issue resolution...

Always be clear about your issue first, follow with a compliment, ask what they think should be done from your choices.

"I don't like asking for dietary stuff when every day you do such an awesome job of putting up with every one else's stuff. What do you think we should do? Do you want me to cook instead? Take turns? Prep/buy food?"

NEVER compliment then criticise. Makes people wary of your compliments.

Be concise and focused on the point. Don't then tear into them about sleeping habits, grooming, etc

Never use the word 'but'.

"I like your pasta but..." 'but' = 'every word before this oner is a lie'

If they are not listening; be patient and stick to your guns.

Then get the fork...

I have used these techniques (even the fork) to resolve client and staff issues for decades (and I worked with a lot of chefs).

Treat them all like rock stars or sports players. Sometimes they need praise, other times a kick in the butt to perform.

[katpower]

Explain that you're not trying to be high maintenance or difficult, that you're trying to make the right decisions for your health. Maybe encourage him to test his mad cheffing skillz by making meals that satisfy your requirements, and his aesthetic standards!

[Lefeux]

As others mentioned, this is definitely a communications problem. When I was married before and would suggest something that my ex didn't like or want to hear, she would just ignore it.

I second (or third - motion passed?) the recommendation to sit down and have heart to heart with him. If you flat out tell him that grains, rice, pasta et al cause you pain and he continues to force them upon you, you might need to reconsider his place in your life. A loved one that intentionally and willfuly causes pain isn't much of a loved one. I have been that route and its not fun.

My wife rolls her eyes a bit when I talk about Paleo and doesn't want to try it because of her issues with certain types of foods and such. I have to accept that she might not want to choose this lifestyle, but she is still accepting of it for me, so I can't really say too much about it.

I do wish you the best of luck with it though. I understand the acid reflux thing. I have been taking Aciphex for 7 years now. Used to be that if I missed a day I was in pain (miss by a couple of hours while on nexium or prilosec and I was in pain) but I have only taken 2 in the last 10 days. I have noticed some twinges but nothing really bad. From reading on www.marksdailyapple.com, Paleo/Primal lifestyle can help rid some people of that problem (also high cholesterol too) so I am hoping that when I go home for vacation from Afghanistan in December, my bloodwork is great in terms of cholesterol and that I can safely say I have been off all my medications for almost 6 months. Ill update yall in December!

[TheSavageBean]

I wouldn't trade my girlfriend for the world.

She knows my nutrition's good, and she motivates me to eat healthy.

She gets that I like working out, and gets me out of bed in the morning to go do it.

She makes me feel strong when I'm feeling weak, but humbles me when I get cocky.

She's going to help me reach my goals, and she's there for every lift I do.

The only girl I need is the barbell.

(I might see some dumbbells on the side though, sorry sweetie.)

[shortstuff]

I wouldn't trade my girlfriend for the world.

She knows my nutrition's good, and she motivates me to eat healthy.

She gets that I like working out, and gets me out of bed in the morning to go do it.

She makes me feel strong when I'm feeling weak, but humbles me when I get cocky.

She's going to help me reach my goals, and she's there for every lift I do.

The only girl I need is the barbell.

(I might see some dumbbells on the side though, sorry sweetie.)

That is so funny, had to take a photo of it on my phone

Edit: the fact that I was listening to I'll make a man out of you (mulan), may or may not have made it funnier

[jennageah]

My boyfriend was pretty supportive of my going wheat free and then paleo last month - but I'm not sure the tolerance will last. We were eating the same stuff when we were together (but this wasn't such a sacrifice because we don't live together so this is probably max 4 meals per week) but when my month of trying out the no wheat thing was up he immediately wanted to get out of the steak and salad cycle. I've decided to be 80% paleo from now on because I'm loving it but still want some freedom a couple of meals per week so I don't feel deprived, and this works okay for now because it means I'll have wraps with him once a week or go out for pasta every now and then, but I can forsee a lot of dinners where our meal choices will schism if we were to live together. But hey, if I get all fit and awesome looking, I might just convert him!

[The Tin Man]

Others (especially Max) have given some good advice. I don't want to read too much into the choice of a single word, but "derision" makes it seem like he is condescending and thinks he knows what's best for you. I get the impression (which could be terribly incorrect) that he asks what you want, ignores it and makes what he thinks you should have, then gets snarky when you bring it up. What troubles me most is this:

I've let him know, over and over again, that pasta and rice give me heartburn and I'm not satisfied

That is not how a loving an understanding partner acts. Not only have you made how you feel very clear and he ignored it, but you stated repeatedly that it causes you physical discomfort.

On an unrelated note: awesome avatar.

[Anivair]

When I first went Paleo my wife (then fiance) thought it was just some other things I found on the Internet that I'd be nuts about for a while and then it would go away.

Then I lost 30 pounds like nothing and she thought, "Well .... maybe there's something to this". So she got on board and had good results herself.

To be honest, the best thing you can do is stick to it and show them the results. They'll get on board. And anyone who refuses to at least give it a shot for a month after seeing good results for "reasons" is basically just not worth trying to help, even if they are your spouse or SO. Just let them do what they want. They will either come around or they won't.

[cline]

What other folks said.

Cook your own food. It's not an insult to him, just something you want to do for yourself. Reassure him. Change is sometimes scary for some people.

[erawka]

That's incredibly disrepectful. I'd say that's as disrespectful as giving the vegetarian involved a big, beefy hamburger. You've expressed a preference and your reasons, and he's ignoring them.

Maybe ask him why he feels that GF is a fad or that paleo is crazy. Try to discuss the merits of the issue calmly and respectfully. If he's always that much of a jerk about food, you should confront him about that too. Just because he's a chef doesn't mean he knows all there is to know about food or nutrition. You don't either, but you're finding something, supported by tons of studies, that you're curious about. If you wanted to change some other aspect of your life - your workouts, how the furniture is arranged, trying a new hobby, etc - would he be this dismissive? If it's just food, you can try to show him some of the information you're reading. If it's more, this is definitely a much bigger issue.

[Gobnait]

Communication might be an issue. Insist on cooking the meal one night, (give him a few days warning so that there isn't a thawing/shopping issue,) show him the type of meal you want, even if you're cooking grains for the other two. (The vegetarian should at least be getting enough vegetables so that you won't exactly starve if you just pick out the parts that you want to eat. A paltry amount of vegetables isn't good for her either.)

It really shouldn't be very hard to cook a good amount of meals with concern to everyone's needs, especially with vegetables as the star. It just requires another frying pan or baking dish, and another spatula or whatever else is needed for cross-contamination mitigation.

Cooking for yourself is a solution.

If he's still the opposite of supportive, whether you cook for yourself or not, figure that you're probably going to dump him anyway. Throwing temper tantrums about him ignoring your pain will either get his attention or end the relationship.

[SnTFitness]

If you had a peanut, shellfish or any other food allergy that could immediately kill you - would he feed you that allergen with an epi-pen dessert?

I think you really need to explain that you have a gluten allergy and it can really get bad for you (I have a friend with a colostomy bag because her celiac went undiagnosed for 20 years). If he does not agree with you (after you have the sit down) he may need to start cooking for someone else.

[loden]

This resonates with me a lot... for the past month or so I've been trying to get healthier and lose weight. I've been counting my calories, and trying to cut down on everything that isn't meat, vegetables, and eggs. I have no plans to go paleo, but I have been trying to minimize my grain and sugar intake, as well as alcohol and any "junk food." My husband thinks we already eat plenty healthy and isn't interesting in making any changes, and he does most of the cooking. For the most part he's been really good about it - our dinners have switched from being a big pile of cheese and/or carbs with a few vegetables to being a big pile of vegetables with some meat or a little cheese. But he always rolls his eyes and makes a fuss when I want a half a cocktail instead of a whole one, or when I don't want to eat all of my share of the fried egg rolls he ordered without asking me.

I know that it's a big adjustment for him, and that me being less excited about tasty but unhealthy foods is kind of a downer, but I wish he would see it as me making a positive, healthy change in my life rather than me adopting crazy eating habits. I think it's a good thing that I've realized that my health is more important than getting to eat whatever I want whenever I want, but he doesn't see it that way. Of course, a few months ago I would probably have acted just like he is if a friend was doing what I'm doing now.

Anyway, my advice to you is, like everyone else has said, is to sit your boyfriend down and explain to him that gluten really, honestly, causes you pain. Even if he thinks many people are going GF for faddish reasons, he has to accept that some people actually have real gluten intolerances, and you may be one of them. It can be hard to get over the classic "grains are the base of the food pyramid!" mindset and accept that they aren't actually necessary for a healthy diet.

Also, maybe he just isn't used to cooking non-carb-centric meals, especially for vegetarians? I was a vegetarian for 8 years, I know it can be hard to come up with ideas. There are a whole bunch of things that work either over rice or pasta, or beside a meat (or both!). He could make a big pile of stir-fried vegetables, then stir-fry some cut-up chicken breast. You could have just the veggies and chicken, he could have veggies and chicken over rice, and the vegetarian could have rice and veggies. Same deal with pasta and roasted vegetables and any other meat. I also really like lots of roasted vegetables over greens with homemade salad dressing, with feta cheese and bread on the side for those who want it.

[DaygloNirvana]

I'm in this same situation, and I haven't yet found a solution to it. My fiance, who has gone to cooking school, is also the primary cook in our house (two adults, one teenager). When I suggested that I'd like to try vegetarianism, the idea got shot down immediately. When I brought up the idea that maybe paleo might be something easier to fit into the household menu, that too was blown off. I'm not asking the whole house to change, I just want to change for me, and I'm willing to cook and shop for myself to do so. He doesn't seem to approve. I'm at a loss with how to handle the situation.

[Eurydice]

I can't help but think that all these people who want to be chefs are in for a nasty shock when they start working and find out that they will actually be required to cook food to order.

If this were my boyfriend, I would sit him down and nicely explain to him that, while his support is appreciated, I do not actually need his permission to eat the way I want to eat. All that's required of him is that he either show that support or quit blocking the kitchen.

[Elastigirl]

I can't help but think that all these people who want to be chefs are in for a nasty shock when they start working and find out that they will actually be required to cook food to order.

If this were my boyfriend, I would sit him down and nicely explain to him that, while his support is appreciated, I do not actually need his permission to eat the way I want to eat. All that's required of him is that he either show that support or quit blocking the kitchen.

words well spoken. I think we way too often think we need someones approval and permission for how we eat.

[DaygloNirvana]

All that's required of him is that he either show that support or quit blocking the kitchen.

^^^^This, in so many ways. I'm trying to talk to my partner as we speak. Hopefully this weekend I'll make some progress.

[Jaksavage]

As a chef I understand the frustration in special orders at work. They suck. But when my gf wanted to change her diet I supported her. And now I'm changing mine. (paleo with IF) You may have to show him some info, or explain your reasons but keep at it. Follow the suggestions above and maybe refer him to the site.

If all else fails ill talk to him chef to chef lol

All your base are belong to us...

[Gobnait]

Well, take it as gloating or not, but I was describing this basic line of problem to hubby, and he responded with wonder about how we don't have this level of disagreement.

I sometimes ask him to get involved with dinner planning, but he usually responds "food" and most of his input is either me pointing him at a casserole and announcing I haven't done spices, or I just flatout going on a cooking strike and my level of guilt over it depends on whether or not there are things to throw at a frying pan.

But if I want to do weird things with my diet, it's fine with him as long as he's not part of the insanity. (My real-food diet needs don't warrant adjusting for him, I think his restriction on anything SAD is "no macaroni with powdered cheese mix, or liver." And I happily played along when he temporarily requested low-carb, though I was and still am on "potato or rice during dinner" weaning phase.)

[zaika]

Wow. First, thanks to everyone who responded. After reading some of your responses, I felt confident going into the conversation I had with him this last weekend, and I think I was heard. Finally. He hadn't realized how growl-y he can get, and will work on being open to listening and talking about it instead of shooting me down right out. He was also frustrated with me for laying out my desires as if we'd all have to eat this way. We realized that we SUCK at communicating, and we seriously need to work on that. BUT. We came to a compromise that I am really happy with. Since our meals are going to be mostly vegetarian based, he already started looking up how to get more protien into our meals through various vegetables and legumes. I insisted that animal protien be a part of my dinner at least twice a week in addition eating it on the weekends, and he won't insist on me eating pasta or whatever when I don't want it (I'll admit, there are days when I do, but that's my own problem). My breakfast and lunches are up to me, which is fantastic. He even found and bought me some snacks that are these honey, nut, and berry bars. I go with him shopping, and we're going to start making a weekly menu where I make a couple of the dinners. I think having me do some of the cooking will help A TON.

Thanks again. You all are awesome!

[Lefeux]

Glad to hear that you were able to work out a compromise!

Totally understand the whole sucking at communication thing. It was an issue that my ex-wife and I shared pretty hard core (of course she was a psychology major and would try to read into things where as I am a fairly blunt non subtle sort). If things do move to the next level for you two (engagement, marriage) there are courses/classes out there to help increase communication between you two. I also highly recommend checking out http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ which really made me appreciate how I communicate with my loved ones