Well Frack

[Tengu]

For a long time, my wife has known what my dream job is, but it's been avoided.

Tonight it wasn't.

Fortunately, we don't fight, argue, yell or scream at each other

We talk, even if we both disagree, we talk.

She's correct though, it would cost too much money (and before anyone asks, there is NO school loans for what I want), it would take me away from her and our son for at least 10 months (and him becoming a teen, not a really good time for me to chase my dreams hundreds of miles away), she's not willing to move due to the fact that we live in a house that has no loan or mortgage on it (and we're soon to move into another house under the same conditions)

My argument- I want my damn dream job! I KNOW what I want and I'm willing to work for it.

Her argument- Financially, we have it made, a house with zero payments, a newish car (2010 Impala) with no payments. Even if I succeed at my education (which would have to be paid, at least $17,000 out of pocket), there's no guarantee I'd get my "dream job", and even if I did...I'd have to uproot my family to get MY dream.

So pros and cons

Her arguments win out.

Finances and family happiness overall.

So, frack. She already has her "level 50" (sitting at home, content to be surrounded by her family while watching the telly).

Maybe I need to get rid of my pipe dream and realize that her level 50 is mine as well?

Sorry for the long rant, this bird is just SO confused, pissed off, sad all of a sudden.

[Guest Snake McClain]

I am in a weird position here.

On one hand I understand her angle completely. On the other...I feel that in a relationship some and many things should be let go or set aside to let my significant other pursue the things they care about. To go after what they love. They have to have the right to explore themselves and their lives or they will eventually be resentful.

I say keep talking to her. calmly. but let her know that you need this for you.

People move all of the time and there is nothing wrong with uprooting except for the discomfort of those who can't handle change.

[Evicious]

Hmm.... Well, she does have some pretty solid points. Weighing the difference between your (assumed future) happiness and your family's (assumed current) happiness is a tough one. Possibly look at why your dream job would make you so happy and then search for alternate means of achieving those factors. Knowing why you want something is the only way you can accurately determine the importance of something in your life.

For example: if your dream job is to be a professional surfer, reasons why that appeals to you so much might include 1. Pleasure from being in/near the ocean, 2. Adrenaline rush from conquering the waves, 3. Satisfaction of competiveness from winning tournaments, and 4. Enjoyment in constant travel to various locations around the globe and the experiences those travels inherently offer.

Now that job also has alot of downsides for a family man such as yourself (constant threat of bodily injury or death, unguaranteed income dependent on sponsorship, constant upheaval of your family's physical location or emotional stability). The question then becomes: How do I manage my life so that I incorporate all the things I love about surfing without risking all the things I want for my family? It might be as simple as forgoing the "professional" part of your dream - keep surfing as simply a hobby (like golf or tennis for other people), or perhaps a part-time job as a surfing instructor. Or you could look to other activities that offer similiar effects, such as deep sea fishing or sailboating, etc.

In the end, however, your circumstances are what they are: you are a family man, and you have a responsibility to maintain a healthy family even if you don't get exactly what you want. Your wife, I would like to point out, has the same responsibility. Idealy, the both of you keep your son's best interests first in your lives (since the entire point of procreation is to create a new generation of equally or more successful humans), but that should not exclude either one of you from achieving your dreams. If she is comfy with the way things are right now, then congratulations: you are a successful husband. If, however, you are not so comfy then it is her responsibility to assist you in achieving your "Level 50". Given that you both have to consider the family wellbeing, that doesn't sound like your current dream is compatible with your life. So think about the why's and the how's of other ways you can get to where you want to be, and see how realistically that fits in with where you are now.

BTW, I applaud your relationship skills (as you've portrayed them) as well as your obvious dedication to your family. There are too few of your breed left in this world. Your son is very lucky indeed.

[realbrickwall]

I was unsure whether this thread was about fracking and its effect on wells. I guess not.

I don't have any advice on your issues other than what's been given above. I just hope that, whatever reconciliation you come to, you don't live on with regret or resentment.

[McG]

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/07/magazine/the-futile-pursuit-of-happiness.html?pagewanted=all&src=pmso

We as human beings are very poor judges of exactly how happy or unhappy our decisions will make us. This may be your dream job, but that doesn't mean it's going to make you happy as you think once you get it.

[mksiemens]

We as human beings are very poor judges of exactly how happy or unhappy our decisions will make us. This may be your dream job, but that doesn't mean it's going to make you happy as you think once you get it.

this is soo true. how many times have you wanted something sooooo bad only to get over it within several days of achieving it (or maybe a few weeks or months if it was a big deal).

Something that I have found is that if we aren't "happy" where we are, we usually won't be happy when we get where we're currently aiming.

i'm not saying we shudn't have a level of drive to move forward. just when we have alot of "well this will make me happy" thots, it tends to be there always about the next thing.

not sure about your situation tho.

if you've dreamed of doing it as a kid or for many years or something like that, that's a bit different.

but being thankful for what you already have is really important. maybe the door will open where this career will make more sense.

sounds like you're in a good financial situation right now, is it possible to start saving up for the 17 G-notes you need?

[Maleficarum]

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/07/magazine/the-futile-pursuit-of-happiness.html?pagewanted=all&src=pmso

We as human beings are very poor judges of exactly how happy or unhappy our decisions will make us. This may be your dream job, but that doesn't mean it's going to make you happy as you think once you get it.

This is an amazing article... Thank you.

[Gobnait]

It really sucks for you.

Is it possible to have a self-sustaining hobby that makes you happy? Are you willing to reveal what your dream job is and use the minds of others to light different paths?

How much is the difference between the good of the many? Is it a case of one has to be miserable and one is happy, or can the all be tolerably okay? And how long is each state; can it eventually be everyone at varying degrees of happiness?

If you're really okay with this, carry on.

[Valiance]

Tengu, I really feel for you. I have some empathy because I made a somewhat similar decision... I knew, and still know, how much I want to be a professional musician for a career. But taking a serious look at it, I switched to a business degree after three years in a music program. I did it because it was practical, and for me being practical is something I hold myself accountable to being and it's a trait that I value highly in others as well. I love to dream big and put myself in situations that make me uncomfortable and cause me to grow, and of course taking risks is important, but overall FOR ME being practical is important. If I'm going to chase my dreams, I have to have some practical idea of how to get to them. I find this makes me more successful at getting where I want to go than just "taking the leap" and going, "okay I'm gonna do this! Hope it works out!"

For me, I was lucky that I can still be a professional musician in many capacities. The training I received allows me to do many professional gigs, and I still work on my music whenever I get the chance. But I don't intend to make it my full time career until I retire, at which time I intend to gig to my little heart's content. Who knows, maybe in five years I'll change my mind. But for now I have my plan.

I agree with the article in the sense that many people are chasing after that elusive sense of happiness that they think something will bring them. I agree with whoever it was above me that asked, "why do you think this job will make you happy?"

I also think in an argument you need to be able to bring in some important information such as what the benefit to your family would be. For example, would you be making more money? Could your wife still sustain, or improve, her quality of life because of this change in career? Does it give you the added benefits of getting to spend more time with your family once/if you get this job?

In my experience, although I am not saying this is all cases and you could be completely different, people who chase after a new career because they think the work will make them happy and they take huge pay cuts, lose time with their families and loved ones, have to give up hobbies because the new job is so demanding, etc. never end up being happy like they thought they would be. Now, the people who change to a career that allows them to add some value to another part of their life do seem to end up bring pretty happy with the change. Unless you are absolutely consumed by your work, and your work IS your life and hobby, make sure this new career would actually add value to other aspects of your life.

[Tengu]

Thanks everyone! I've got to get going for now, but I have some things to think about, right ?

I'll be back tomorrow to re-read your posts (and the article) and mull things over.

Again, thanks to all of you!

[Anduril]

Are there steps you can take towards your dream (such as saving the money or developing some skills) that can be done without leaving home? It sounds as though your children will be grown soon and things will be easier then as far as taking trips and such. Delaying your dream while working towards it will both help you see if you really want it and will help your wife see that this is a priority for you and not just a pipe dream.

[Raincloak]

If your kid is a teen, perhaps you could take some (affordable) steps toward your dream and just put it on hold for a few years. After your kid flies from the nest, you and your wife will have fewer expenses, more free time, and can move to a smaller house without "uprooting" your son. (Make sure he is either headed for college or ready to earn a living when he turns 18, otherwise you could be stuck supporting him for much longer!)

You haven't mentioned what this dream job is, but I am sure you could get some experience in the field without paying for the education. Volunteer part time or take on an internship in that area; a lot of folks who won't hire you yet will find it hard to say no to a free worker! You'll make industry contacts and get a chance to find out whether it's really your dream job after all. For instance, if your dream was to be a lawyer, you could find work as a law clerk or paralegal...

And by the way, community college is often nearly as good as a 4-year degree, and MUCH cheaper. In most industries, experience trumps the name on your diploma. It really is about what and who you know, rather than where you went to school (or if you did at all). So maybe you could find a cheaper way of getting that degree you want. Surely there can't be just one school that teaches what you want to learn.

If you are debt-free, congratulations: you're doing a lot better than most people already. But there is good debt, and bad debt. Bad debt is debt that you take on for a bad reason, and which you cannot reasonably expect to pay back. Good debt is the opposite. If you go to school to pursue your dream job, and you have a REASONABLE chance of making that investment pay off, it is good debt and you need not fear to take it on. It's like taking out a loan to start a business. There is risk, but the cause is a worthwhile one. Your wife should understand this and be willing to support you, if your wish is reasonable and it's really what you want.

My mother switched careers when her kids were 19, with Dad's support. It cost a chunk of money and a year of effort (she was running for public office), but with the help of her family and friends, she achieved her dream job. She's still there seven years later, and has never been happier.

[Hermione Gainser]

http://www.nytimes.com/2003/09/07/magazine/the-futile-pursuit-of-happiness.html?pagewanted=all&src=pmso

We as human beings are very poor judges of exactly how happy or unhappy our decisions will make us. This may be your dream job, but that doesn't mean it's going to make you happy as you think once you get it.

Truth. Honestly, I don't know what my "dream" is because each time I pursue something new it's not the right fit after all. Always great to try new things, learn more, and explore new avenues, but it doesn't mean it'll make you as happy as you think it will.

It's a bummer of a situation, though! The curiosity is getting the best of me. What is it?!

[Anduril]

I just ran across an article that made me think of the OP: http://www.lifehack.org/articles/work/21-lessons-from-an-accidental-entrepreneur.html