Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)

[Barfly]

Soooooo pc

[Tomu-san]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are sitting in an obstetrician' office.

 

The brunette says, "I'm going to have a boy, because when we make love, my husband is always on top."

 

The redhead says, "Well, then I'm going to have a girl, because when we make love, I'm always on top."

 

The blonde starts to cry. The other two ask her, "What's wrong?"

 

The blond sobs out, "I'm going to have puppies!"

[cracked_belle]

http://www.buzzfeed.com/robinedds/anti-jokes-that-will-make-you-laugh-even-if-you-dont-want

[Artinum]

...but a man with a spade in his head is nothing like an ambulance...

[Suited hippy]

I went to the zoo on the weekend but there was nothing there except one little dog

 

It was a shih tzu

[Barfly]

I'm having to discipline my horrible class, and I'm trying not to smile as I repeat this joke to myself (can't help it).

[The Stranger]

(Apologies if this has already been posted, but it's the worst joke I know)

 

There are two clams, Sam Clam and Billy Clam, who are best friends.  One day they die in an accident.  Billy Clam, being a virtuous, God-fearing clam, goes to heaven.  Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates, gives him his harp, his halo, and his wings, and welcomes him in.  Sam Clam, being a less-virtuous, hard-drinking clam, goes to hell.

 

After a while, Billy Clam is getting kind of lonely up in heaven without Sam Clam.  So he goes to Saint Peter and asks if he can have a pass to visit Sam Clam in hell.  Saint Peter says, "Well, normally we wouldn't, but you were such a good clam, and he was your best friend, so I guess so.  But you've got to be back by midnight - and be sure not to forget your harp, halo and wings - I can't give you new ones."

 

So Billy Clam takes his pass and goes to visit Sam Clam in hell.  When he gets there, he's surprised to find that Sam Clam is running a disco, where all the damned souls hang out after a long day of being prodded with pitchforks.  Well, Sam Clam is thrilled to see Billy Clam, and they have a great time drinking and dancing.  But Billy Clam loses track of time, until he looks at the clock and sees that it's almost midnight.  So he grabs his stuff and rushes back to heaven.

 

Panting and out of breath, Billy Clam arrives at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter checks his watch and says, "You just made it.  I see your halo and your wings, but where's your harp?"

 

Billy Clam gasps - "Oh no!  I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"

[cracked_belle]

(Apologies if this has already been posted, but it's the worst joke I know)

 

There are two clams, Sam Clam and Billy Clam, who are best friends.  One day they die in an accident.  Billy Clam, being a virtuous, God-fearing clam, goes to heaven.  Saint Peter greets him at the pearly gates, gives him his harp, his halo, and his wings, and welcomes him in.  Sam Clam, being a less-virtuous, hard-drinking clam, goes to hell.

 

After a while, Billy Clam is getting kind of lonely up in heaven without Sam Clam.  So he goes to Saint Peter and asks if he can have a pass to visit Sam Clam in hell.  Saint Peter says, "Well, normally we wouldn't, but you were such a good clam, and he was your best friend, so I guess so.  But you've got to be back by midnight - and be sure not to forget your harp, halo and wings - I can't give you new ones."

 

So Billy Clam takes his pass and goes to visit Sam Clam in hell.  When he gets there, he's surprised to find that Sam Clam is running a disco, where all the damned souls hang out after a long day of being prodded with pitchforks.  Well, Sam Clam is thrilled to see Billy Clam, and they have a great time drinking and dancing.  But Billy Clam loses track of time, until he looks at the clock and sees that it's almost midnight.  So he grabs his stuff and rushes back to heaven.

 

Panting and out of breath, Billy Clam arrives at the pearly gates.  Saint Peter checks his watch and says, "You just made it.  I see your halo and your wings, but where's your harp?"

 

Billy Clam gasps - "Oh no!  I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco!"

bahahahaha.  I had to literally read the punch-line out-loud to fully get it.  XD

[Artinum]

Clams in the afterlife? Is this a ghost in the shell?

[Bearded_Dragon]

When I heard that Oxygen & Magnesium were going out I was like "OMg"

[Barfly]

I responded "Nitric Oxide!"

[Guzzi]

Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?

They bonded well from the minute they met.

[Artinum]

Why did Carbon marry Hydrogen?

They bonded well from the minute they met.

 

Yeah, they have great chemistry. Though their arguments can be quite explosive.

[The Swedish Ninja]

Continuing on the topic:

 

Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium and barium the medical elements?ʉ۬

A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!

[Guzzi]

Or... What did the chemist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

Hehe!

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Oxygen and potassium went out on a date.

 

 

 

It was OK

[Guzzi]

It's gotta be done....

They went on a second date... It went OK2

[Jittersthe.Clown]

I'd have been disappointed if it wasn't done.  Thank you.  

[Guzzi]

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.

I said "That's the one."

[cracked_belle]

I asked the librarian if he had the new book about erectile dysfunction.

He tapped his keyboard, and peered at the screen. "It's not coming up", he frowned.

I said "That's the one."

as I librarian, I approve of this message.

[Bearded_Dragon]

So I went to the library and said to the librarian "I'm looking for a book called 'How to deal with rejection without killing', do you have it?"

[Artinum]

So I went to the library and said to the librarian "I'm looking for a book called 'How to deal with rejection without killing', do you have it?"

 

"I'll go check in the back," she replied.

I've been standing here three weeks now. She must be due back soon.

[FamilyBeer]

A fellow gets on an elevator and is greeted by a woman there with "Hi, T G I F!"

 

He replies, "S H I T".

 

She says again, "T G I F".

 

He replies again, "S H I T".

 

She responds, "TGIF, it means Thank God It's Friday".

 

He replies, "SHIT, Sorry Honey, It's Thursday".

[Guzzi]

One for the Brits.....

 

 

 

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. 

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."

HRH is confused, so he just smiles and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, the Prince moves on to the next patient, who Immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "This is the serious Burns unit."

[Guzzi]

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over ... women like that are hard to find."