zenLara's journey

[Lara]

On 10/6/2021 at 1:07 AM, Endor said:

until I caught a really bad cold

catched and teached sound good to me

[Lara]

Things are… not well.

I’m struggling with life.

It’s not anymore about a loss of identity. Or not just that. It is about not wanting to do anything. I only get out of the house to go to work or to take the kid to the park. I don’t even take her to the country anymore. And since it got colder a couple of days ago, I didn’t even go to the park.

I don’t eat much, I don’t enjoy food and always eat on a hurry. I’ve lost more weight and I feel cold all the time, and sometimes I cry for no reason.

Life got worst after Wolvie passed me a bug that hit me hard and I ended in the ER because I had been vomiting for hours and couldn't stop. It has been all downhill since then.

Something seems to be wrong with my immune system, too. Apparently one of those fungi that we share our skin with has gotten out of control and I’m going through a mycotic infection.

I’m not doing any exercise, because the task of getting back to my prior fitness level seems unsurmountable. So I just do nothing about it. I only keep thinking what’s the point on trying, if anyway in 6 months I’ll be in the exact same place I am now, since it is imposible to build a routine or reap any progress. It doesn't feel like it would be fun anymore, making it difficult to convince myself to do something.

I called my old therapist and did a couple of sessions, looking for help, but it's not working. She doesn’t want to talk about what are clear signs of depression, or about loss of identity, or about anything I’m experiencing. She only wants to talk about healing my inner child. She says I feel like this because becoming a mother has stirred emotions and lack of affection from my childhood, and that I have to work on that if I want the other things to get better. I sincerely disagree, I need to put some order in my brain and in my life, and maybe then, work on whatever inner child she wants to fix, but she dismisses my suggestions saying I just need to be more gentle with myself, and then everything will be fine.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I am so sorry. That therapist is out and out wrong. The crisis needs attention before you can work on the past. You are having a really rough time and it sounds incredibly hard. 

[deftona]

I'm really sorry you're struggling Lara. Could it be time to find a new therapist? Is there a possibility this could be post natal depression? 

 

We're here for you and I really hope you find a breakthrough soon ❤️ 

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Definitely agree all signs are saying "help." I personally understand the Therapists liking toward "inner child care" but like the above two when you are at crisis level dealing with the past is a later project of you desire. 

 

I do hope you can find another resource to use!

[WhiteGhost]

I have heard that there are links between lack of sleep and depression so perhaps your current funk is related to you insufficient sleep over the last few years.  At any rate, I hope you can find a good therapist who will work with you on it because I'm sure you can get back to where you were once the current fires have been put out and your life's foundations have been stabilized.  But building up physical fitness isn't the current mission, for now mental and emotional fitness will probably serve you better.   

[Mad Hatter]

Hugs! ❤️I’m really sorry, hope you can get some real help. 

[Lara]

On 11/3/2021 at 12:31 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I am so sorry. That therapist is out and out wrong. The crisis needs attention before you can work on the past. You are having a really rough time and it sounds incredibly hard. 

 

On 11/4/2021 at 4:22 AM, Fairly_Bouncer said:

Definitely agree all signs are saying "help." I personally understand the Therapists liking toward "inner child care" but like the above two when you are at crisis level dealing with the past is a later project of you desire. 

 

I do hope you can find another resource to use!

 

I'm glad that you both agree with me. She helped me a lot this summer, and I don't know why would she be so reluctant now to talk about what I need to talk. She said I have ressources enough to cope with what I'm going through, and it's obviously not true.

 

On 11/3/2021 at 3:56 PM, deftona said:

I'm really sorry you're struggling Lara. Could it be time to find a new therapist? Is there a possibility this could be post natal depression? 

 

We're here for you and I really hope you find a breakthrough soon ❤️ 

More than a post natal depression, I'd rather point to a whole year withour proper sleep, nor rest, or actual life. I don't have many of the symptoms of post natal depression. But anyway, at this point, I don't care about its origin anymore. I just want a therapist that will help. I contacted a couple more, they come with extremely good references, but actually I can't afford them. I'll have to keep looking, and in the meantime try to get my therapist understand that my inner child can wait.

 

On 11/5/2021 at 6:28 AM, WhiteGhost said:

I have heard that there are links between lack of sleep and depression so perhaps your current funk is related to you insufficient sleep over the last few years.  At any rate, I hope you can find a good therapist who will work with you on it because I'm sure you can get back to where you were once the current fires have been put out and your life's foundations have been stabilized.  But building up physical fitness isn't the current mission, for now mental and emotional fitness will probably serve you better.   

The thing is I get a lot of mental and emotional wellbeing through exercising, movement, training... It really helps. I know it would give me the first push to start taking care of myself in a more proper way, but I don't find the momentum needed. Worst, when I do exercise a bit (boyfriend cornered me to do some yoga this week), I feel bored and keep thinking "why am I even doing this"? There are days when I'm well rested and I have time, and yet I don't want to do anything. In fact, here I am now, faking I'm superbusy answering you and making a couple of internet orders trying to prove myself I don't have the time.

 

On 11/6/2021 at 1:44 PM, Mad Hatter said:

Hugs! ❤️I’m really sorry, hope you can get some real help. 

Thanks!

[Loveable_Bouncer]

Just figure I throw out a couple ideas:

 

My mom was told when she worked in the "sleep study field": for every hour lost of sleep one needs to sleep for two hours (this could be like the 8 cups of water per a day rule, maybe true maybe not depending on the person). So you could be good for one day or two, but you have a backlog of time to have your brain catch up on. 

 

For me I see you are working on "Epic Mode" of game difficulty, difficult game that takes a different strategy than one would have to play in "Normal Mode." 

You figured out you need different support such as a better matched therapist, but maybe instead of "filling your time". You can look how you can rest in a way that brings you some joy, to help get you ready for the next battle you r life as coming up. 

 

Totally understand if none of that's helpful, hope you have some good times this week. 

[Endor]

Hope you are going ok Lara. 

[Lara]

Hi, guys, away again.

 

Not my fault this time. My access to the forums was blocked for some reasons. I couldn't log in, or even see anything but the main page, for weeks. I kept having this "checking your browser" message and that was all. It happened in all my devices, all browsers, and it was the only website giving me problems. Seems to be ok today, I don't really now why. So I'll write a bit, although there is not much to update.

 

Pandemic must have hit hard plenty of people, because all the therapists I can afford are fully booked at least until march.

I've tried to work on my own. I meditate, and write, and breath... And it helps, for a while. I have better days, but many of them I just don't want to do anything. I've been doing some yoga, 4-5 days a week, but lately it's been harder to keep the pace. The vids I'm working with are engaging and seem to be the right level, but there will be days when I don't see the point, or when I won't be able to hold a plank for even 5 seconds and feel frustrated.

I still don't get out of the house except for things I must do, like work, and keep finding excuses to stay at home (it's windy, I'm sure it's very cold, it'll be dark soon, I'll want to come back after 5 minutes, I'm tired, chores are waiting...). I know my excuses are stupid, but I believe them and do nothing about it.

 

To try to feel better, I've decided to approach things from other place: nutrition. I'm not going to try to "fix" anything, no matter how worried I am about my health, because trying to control what I eat doesn't feel a good choice. So I'm going to try to add nutritious food to my diet and hope that as my body feels better nourished, it will stop asking for crap and will also feel more energized to move and do things. I'm starting with just a few easy, gentle things: a spoon of cocoa butter in my morning drink, a cup of great lakes collagen in my evening drink, and a vitamin D supplement.

 

On a positive note, I'm working through the effortless mastery book, and feeling way more connected with my music practice and my playing. I've also read a few books, and have started to hear podcasts on my way to work and back. I'm also having 6 hours of sleep most of nights, even if those hours are not yet in a row, so I expect that my mood will start to rise.

 

And on a surprising turn of events, FIL has changed his behaviour with Wolvie. It arrived to a point when he was completely out of line, even for him. Calling her things "you're disgusting, do you hear me?", or "all readheads are whores, haha"... You know, those kind of things that he thinks are jokes (remember that this is the man that finds that throwing cow shit to a friend's girlfriend is a sign of affection. Well, I don't remember if I told you about that story, but there you have it). But at one point, everybody, not just me or my boyfriend, began to argue with him about his behaviour. First her wife, then his other son, then his friends. I remember one day when he was saying he was "the evil grandpa" so he had to behave accordingly, and one of his friends told him, "you're not the evil grandpa, you're the asshole grandpa, idiot". It was epic. Then he slowly realised that the kid is really nice and fun with absolutely everybody she meets, except for him. And that hurt him really hard. So since a couple of weeks ago, the guy is really trying. I mean REALLY trying. He has stopped trying to scare her, he doesn't yell at her, he's began to show her how to do things (the other day they were making a fire together. Not the safest idea, but he seemed to be taking care of everything). He still has some moments when he will need attention or behave like an idiot, but it's less usual. Of course he got his rewards, since the kid now allows him to approach her, and the other day she allowed him to carry her and hold her close to the window to see the fireworks. But she's clever. The moment he behaves like an idiot, she runs to me and gives him her grumpy face.

 

And I think that's all for now. I hope I'll soon be writing a more positive update.

Have a nice day!

 

[Owlet]

I'm so happy to hear FIL has changed his behaviour, it sounds like it was truly shocking. Even more, I love that Wolvie is smart enough to respond appropriately to his behaviour! Very gratifying that he can't get away with being an asshole haha. 

 

That's a real shame all the therapists are booked up, are you able to book one for March even though it is so far away? At least as a back up, in case you decide you would still like to speak to someone then. In the meantime, I think focusing on what you can add to your nutrition rather than take away is a very smart idea. My horse riding trainer told me she learned somewhere that the human brain doesn't do well focusing on the negative in order to  change behaviour, it has to be the positive. For example, the old story: you're driving and headed for a collision with a lamppost. If you tell yourself to avoid it but you're staring straight at it, you will almost certainly hit it because your brain only understands that you're focused on it and didn't get the message to avoid it.  

 

Thinking of you and hope you get more sleep soon!

[Lara]

On 12/28/2021 at 8:08 AM, Owlet said:

My horse riding trainer told me she learned somewhere that the human brain doesn't do well focusing on the negative in order to  change behaviour, it has to be the positive

I once read, I don't remember where, that your goals should never be something a dead person could do better than you, hehehe.

 

Let's hope the new year brings hours and hours of cozy happy sleep!

[Lara]

Warning: ramblings are coming.

 

I've written and erased this post several times. I sometimes think of posting more frequently. One side of me knows this is a good place for me. People here have helped me to push myself out of my shell and do things I thought I'd never try. Another side thinks I don't have the time to sit and write and read and answer, and to go through the process of putting into words all the shit in my head, so it tells me "why would you start today anyway". Thus, I keep going back and forth about sending the post or telling to myself this is a waste of time.

 

Yesterday we got the news that one of my boyfriend's uncles broke his hip and needed a replacement. It's a rather young man, 54 years old. It made me think on how important it is to keep your body in shape, to lift strong to have strong bones, to take care of yourself. Only that I would not like to push myself into exercise because of fear. Doesn't seem the right reason. But when I think of other reasons, I can't find them. I mean, my past reasons: having fun, trying new things, exploring the wild, ((building an adamantium skeleton))... they don't look "real" anymore, it's like those goals are not my goals anymore. I know getting back on track would take an effort, and I don't find reasons to do that effort willingly. The only thing that fires a small candle in the back of my mind is... handstands. I still want to do them. But I'm not willing to walk the walk, apparently. I have this idea of teaching my kid to do them when she's old enough, but everything feels like a fantasy in my head, not a real goal, or a real wish.

 

I saw, yesterday, that a music school near home has closed and there is an aerial acrobatics space now. Less than 10 minutes by foot from home. The moment I saw it, all the negative thoughts assaulted my mind, "you could not even hold the grip", "that's for young people, didn't you see they were all teens there?", "they would laugh at you if they'd see you try".

 

When I first came to nerdfitness I was in a really, really bad shape. It was worse than now. I hadn't done any real exercise for almost 20 years. But I was full of purpose. I didn't mind to start small (I started at the 1 mile a day), and people here were awesome. I took advantage of momentum, thrill and dreams, and all the support I received. Now I feel empty. I can't find any sparkle to start the fire.

 

I still don't know who I am. I don't recognise myself many times. My reactions to events, my level of enthusiasm or interest, my hobbies... It's like nothing matters anymore.

 

I have one good news, though. I found a therapist. We talked on the phone and she sounded nice. She is fully booked for january, but says will call me in 10-15 days to find some space for me, or maybe before if someone cancels. It happens usually now because of quarantines, so there's hope I could start therapy in a couple of weeks.

 

Adding fat and protein is working. I feel more full after meals, less inclined to eat whatever I see. I have barely eaten anything on the dark side for a few days.

 

Let's click on submit, finally!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Lara said:

Thus, I keep going back and forth about sending the post or telling to myself this is a waste of time.

It's worth it to get one's thoughts in written form, whether or not one posts them. That's the idea behind journaling.  You do have worth, and are worthy of posting here.

1 hour ago, Lara said:

When I first came to nerdfitness I was in a really, really bad shape. It was worse than now. I hadn't done any real exercise for almost 20 years. But I was full of purpose. I didn't mind to start small (I started at the 1 mile a day), and people here were awesome. I took advantage of momentum, thrill and dreams, and all the support I received. Now I feel empty. I can't find any sparkle to start the fire.

 

I still don't know who I am. I don't recognise myself many times. My reactions to events, my level of enthusiasm or interest, my hobbies... It's like nothing matters anymore.

This sounds like depression symptoms to me.

 

I'm really glad you've gotten in touch with a therapist, that will be a huge help.

[Endor]

8 hours ago, Lara said:

momentum

Highly underrated. I know it may seem difficult but if you can find a way to do it anyway, even though it's pointless/hard/a long road you may find things improve and you enjoy it.  Be absurd, do it because it's pointless!  Often I will not want to exercise but usually feel better afterwards if i can force myself to do it, easier said than done some days though.

 

You've been running on very little sleep for a long time now, I'm sure this will have contributed in a big way to your lethargy and general malaise. Hopefully as the bub grows up and you get more sleep that will help you feel restored. Even if I don't sleep well for 2 or 3 nights I can feel down and let things get on top of me, under the circumstances you are still getting a lot of things done. 

 

Sounds like the penny has finally dropped for FIL, hopefully he's got the message at last. 

 

I'm glad to hear your music practice is going well.  Do you have any performances on the horizon?

 

[Lara]

Thanks @Tanktimus the Encourager
and @Endor
for the nice messages you took the time to write. Knowing there is someone out there helped to land my mind into something tangible and real. I was in a really bad place when I read them. I had a fight with boyfriend and was feeling pretty bad about it. I feel that I do anything right. That I'm just a burden to him. That I'm a mess. It's almost 5 am in the morning and I haven't slept, because I feel so sad and anxious.

But reading your messages calmed me down. I'll try to write a proper answer in the morning. Right now I need to try and sleep even if it's for a couple of hours.

 

 

 

[Mad Hatter]

17 hours ago, Lara said:

Only that I would not like to push myself into exercise because of fear. Doesn't seem the right reason.

Any reason to get back to exercise is the right reason.  

 

Glad your FIL has come to his senses! Hope it lasts.

 

On 12/27/2021 at 5:20 PM, Lara said:

On a positive note, I'm working through the effortless mastery book, and feeling way more connected with my music practice and my playing. I've also read a few books, and have started to hear podcasts on my way to work and back. I'm also having 6 hours of sleep most of nights, even if those hours are not yet in a row, so I expect that my mood will start to rise.

Yay, these are all wonderful things! Hope the sleep plus therapy will help. You've been in a slump for such a long time, you truly are a powerhouse for still fighting and trying.

[Lara]

On 12/31/2021 at 6:02 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It's worth it to get one's thoughts in written form, whether or not one posts them. That's the idea behind journaling.  You do have worth, and are worthy of posting here.

Thank you, Tank ?

 

On 1/1/2022 at 2:51 AM, Endor said:

Be absurd, do it because it's pointless!

That is interesting indeed!

 

On 1/1/2022 at 2:51 AM, Endor said:

You've been running on very little sleep for a long time now, I'm sure this will have contributed in a big way to your lethargy and general malaise. Hopefully as the bub grows up and you get more sleep that will help you feel restored. Even if I don't sleep well for 2 or 3 nights I can feel down and let things get on top of me, under the circumstances you are still getting a lot of things done. 

I've had bad nights in my life, like everybody, but I had no idea lack of sleep would mess my life the way it did. Fortunately, things are better now. Wolvie usually sleeps 2 +2 hours for the first part of the night, and when she starts to wake up more frequently, my boyfriend stays with her while I go to another room and sleep a few hours on my own. We can do that now that she doesn't need to nurse so much, and I think that my brain will get back onto a normal state, even if it takes some time.

 

On 1/1/2022 at 2:51 AM, Endor said:

I'm glad to hear your music practice is going well.  Do you have any performances on the horizon?

There are no actual concerts soon, and I'm glad, since a year and a half without practice has left me in a poor performance state, and because I don't have a regular daily practice like before, it might take a long time until I feel safe to play in public. Some days I don't have a good sound, others the fingers won't move well, the third octave is just not there... Still, my students have a concert in january and I have to play with some of them. Not the real thing, but to be honest I'm worried about it.

[Lara]

CHAPTER 17

 

I had a really bad night on new year's eve, but it turned out to be what I needed. I examined my thoughts. They were all awful. But I realised they don't represent the person I truly am. I've fallen into the trap of believing my thoughts and taking them for reality. I'm not who my head says. I don't know anymore who I am, that is true, but I know I'm not that.

And with that realisation came some positive energy, and some ideas began to clear up.

First and foremost, I have to stop clinging to my old  self. My life has changed, I have changed, and I need to let go of who I was if I want to discover who can I become. I have to create space to develop myself, instead of looking back to what I have lost.

Second, maybe for the first time in my life, I might rely on appearance as a motivation to exercise. As I have mentioned, I have lost a lot of weight, and I dislike how I look. Building muscle would change that, so there's my motivation.

Third, as I also mentioned, I still see handstands as THE skill. Handstands still motivate me. They'll be my heading point. I'll trace the walk I need to walk to arrive to them, and follow it.

Fourth, I need an overall plan, not just for exercise, but also for how am I going to take care of my mind, and get my life to start moving. A plan with babysteps, and that takes in account the ups and downs along the way to my new identity.

Fifth, I need help. I'm starting therapy as soon as possible, and I've booked an appointment with a physiotherapist that I hope will help with the headaches I've been experiencing. I'm also going to take part in the upcoming challenge, to surround myself with people that understand what I'm going through and will encourage me.

[deftona]

17 minutes ago, Lara said:

First and foremost, I have to stop clinging to my old  self. My life has changed, I have changed, and I need to let go of who I was if I want to discover who can I become. I have to create space to develop myself, instead of looking back to what I have lost.

 

I really love this part. You're so wise.

[KB Girl]

On 12/31/2021 at 4:13 PM, Lara said:

I still don't know who I am. I don't recognise myself many times. My reactions to events, my level of enthusiasm or interest, my hobbies... It's like nothing matters anymore.

 

On 1/1/2022 at 4:40 AM, Lara said:

I feel that I do anything right. That I'm just a burden to him. That I'm a mess.

I first read these and thought how awfully similar that sounds to my post partum depression (that I'm in the last stages of climbing out of) and wanted to offer a PM chat to share some experiences, but then I read this; 

 

40 minutes ago, Lara said:

I examined my thoughts. They were all awful. But I realised they don't represent the person I truly am. I've fallen into the trap of believing my thoughts and taking them for reality. I'm not who my head says.

And that's it exactly! You'll be alright  it'll take a while, but you've set the two most important steps; knowing your thoughts are lying to you and getting help. Way to go! 

 

I really hope this journey of rediscovering who you are and who you want to be will turn into a positive one. 

The offer for a chat still stands ofcourse! if you feel that would be helpful. It's good not to be alone. (I was just thinking that if good people like you can also have these thought spirals then maybe I'm not so crazy after all- also a silly thought because I know it doesn't say anything bad about me (or you), but there it is)

[Lara]

3 hours ago, deftona said:

I really love this part. You're so wise.

I do sound wise in that paragraph, don't I?

Thank you, hun ?

I must say, however, that it was surprisingly hard to erase my Wolverine stats from my signature, and the profile picture. I hadn't realised how attached I had been to that character.

 

2 hours ago, KB Girl said:

I really hope this journey of rediscovering who you are and who you want to be will turn into a positive one. 

The offer for a chat still stands ofcourse! if you feel that would be helpful. It's good not to be alone. (I was just thinking that if good people like you can also have these thought spirals then maybe I'm not so crazy after all- also a silly thought because I know it doesn't say anything bad about me (or you), but there it is)

I'm glad to hear you're feeling better too. I haven't followed much your threads, but I know you've been struggling. Let's hope this is a better year for us.

As for the chat, it would be nice, if we both happen to find the time to write, haha.

I hope your kids are growing awesome!

 

[Lara]

There we go!

 

Have all the member's titles disappeared or it's just me I can't see them?

[deftona]

48 minutes ago, Lara said:

Have all the member's titles disappeared or it's just me I can't see them?

 

They have. They disappeared with an update a few months ago and I think the powers that be were looking into it but I don't know what happened with that.