Owner of a Lonely Heart

[fortheplaid!]

Hello all my Nerds and Nerdettes,

Man its been awhile.....better spend a few minutes brushing off the cobwebs......ahhhhh there we are. Nice and clean ^.^ So, to business. I humbly come before the Nerd Fitness community for a little bit of advice. Advice, or at least a good chuckle. Either one works. Now, what am I on about, as our English/British friends might say. Well, I will tell you, if you give me a minute or five. See, there's this girl. Don't these stories always start out this way? Yes a girl,  and she's a bonnie fine lass if I do say so myself (jeez why am I stuck in the British Isles when Im American? Eh, must be the time of day) She pretty and smart and super cute, and she has the best laugh and she's pretty and shes also really kind.....did I mention she's pretty? If you couldn't tell Im pretty smitten with her. "So tell her" I hear you yelling at your computer screen. Patience, my hypothetical screamer, for my story is not yet finished. So, to continue, I have indeed told her how I felt. So where is the conflict in this story? Ah now here is where it gets interesting. See I am not the only suitor vying for her affections-no, there are at present two others also attempting to court the fine lady, with varying degrees of success as she shows some interest in all three of us. And while a gentleman never asks and a lady never tells, I will confide that there has been some intimacy beyond the friendly hug, but as of yet none of the "horizontal refreshment" of which we are all so fond. So my question, dear readers if you have kept with me so far, is two fold: 1) How do I judge her actions (aka how into me should I assume her to be) and B)What if anything should I do about the other 2? My thanks in advance for your time and any friendly advice you care to impart.

[Raincloak]

so lemme get this straight, beyond the wordfluff (entertaining though it be ).

 

You're crushing on a woman who has 2 other 'suitors', you've had some cuddling and/or favors but not sexual intercourse, and your questions are:

 

1) does she like you, and if so how much;

2) what to do about the "other" boys.

 

Have I got this so far?

 

as a progressive but monogamous female, here are my answers:

 

1) I can't possibly read the woman's mind, so you'll have to judge for yourself her degree of liking you.  That's traditionally done by observing her, although you could just ask.  People give off signals.  

 

If she's made out with you, she might indeed like you, but she might not.  Even if she does like you, that doesn't mean she has any plan to exclude other men.  Don't take it too personally if she makes out with / sleeps with other guys.  If she's not committed, she can do what she wants.

 

2) there is nothing you can do about her other boyfriend(s), and you shouldn't try or you'll just look like a jealous idiot.  

 

If she is currently in a monogamous pairing, keep away from her.  (Yes, this means even if she flirts with you.  Never, never cuddle or sleep with someone who is officially paired with someone else.  Please.)  If she isn't committed to anyone, then court her with a free conscience.  Just deal with the fact that other men may be doing the same.  Fair is fair; if you can flirt with her, so can they.  The only thing that requires any of you to stop is if the woman tells you to.

 

 

 

conclusion: if you want a woman who will be committed exclusively to you, that's gonna take some searching and effort.  It is possible that this lady you've set your heart on is willing to go for that, but you'll have to stick around and find out.  If you want her to be yours, keep courting and see what happens.  If you hang around a few months and she doesn't seem committed, ask her if she wants to go steady.  If she does, you're in luck: you now have a girlfriend.  If she doesn't, you'll either have to accept her as she is, or find someone else.

[Mark D]

Go out with other girls.

 

Seriously.

 

If she's really interested in you she'll let you know.  If not, nothing you could do would change that.

 

Besides, if she's going out with other guys, she can't object to you seeing other girls.  Well she CAN, but if she does she's not someone you want around (ask me how I know this, go ahead!).  

 

Now before anyone gets on my case about manipulation, not at all.  I'm not suggesting you try to make her jealous (and as above, she has little cause for jealousy).  There's something in general in the female psyche which says that if another woman is showing interest in a man, he must be attractive, therefore she'll at least take a closer look.  I found this out personally when my wife and I started dating exclusively, women I'd known for years, and some of whom had previously turned me down for dates, all of a sudden came around and let me  know in no uncertain terms that they wouldn't mind finding my shoes under their beds some morning.  You see this behavior in the extreme with women who will ONLY go for men who are already attached/married (such women are generally hated by other women, BTW), but it seems to exist in most women to a much lesser extent.  Most women won't try to break up a marriage or other committed relationship, but most WILL look closer at a man who's getting female attention.

 

Ever notice how jerks never seem to lack for female attention?  I suspect this is why, at least in part.  Since they don't care that they're in a relationship, they accept the female attention they get as a result of being in that relationship, so now they have MORE women showing attraction to them which makes them even MORE attractive.  It's a feedback loop.  

 

Besides, you might find you LIKE one of the other girls and she likes you.  Win all around!  If not, dating improves confidence, which is attractive.  It shows you're not desperate, and desperation is VERY unattractive to a woman.

 

You can't MAKE someone like you, all you can do is present yourself to them as honestly as possible and hope that they do.  If they don't, it's not personal, just like it's nothing personal that I don't like coconut.  

[Mark D]

I had to add one more thing, and this is the voice of experience.  Crushes are dangerous things.  You don't fall in love with the real person, you fall in love with who you imagine that real person to be, and the longer it goes on the further from reality it becomes.  In your mind she's perfect, in reality her breath sometimes smells bad and she's sometimes in a bad mood.  She may even fart.  In short she's human.

[shaeon]

So I can see both perspectives of the advice you've gotten so far, and while we are all identifying our own personal angle on this, I'm a lesbian. I know what it is to be female. I know what it is to want a girl to like me. I by no means consider this some position of ultimate authority (I don't, for example, know a single thing about what it's like to be a dude or want to be with a dude). But it does allow me to see things from both your perspective and a woman's perspective. 

 

I agree with Mark that making yourself too available won't do you any favors. I don't necessarily feel like this means you must go find other women (it's not a bad idea either, I just get that it's not always easy to make that happen). But I do think that you should make yourself busy. How do you behave when you are 100% single? Act like that. Hang with your friends, make time for your hobbies, go out just to meet new people. Whatever you normally do, do it. If she calls you up and you have plans, don't cancel for her or try to make both things happen on the same day. Just reschedule with her. This isn't a trick to get the girl - it's just being a person with a life. People with their own life are interesting and appealing. And while I don't advocate mind-reading what a girl might be thinking, someone who is willing to work to reschedule with you instead of only seeing you on her own convenience is, at the very least, interested in making time for you. 

 

But I also agree with Raincloak that there's no telling what's on her mind. Only she knows that. There could be any number of reasons that she's playing the field right now. It sounds like you definitely want an exclusive relationship with her. I guess the thing is, is it easier to break things off now? Will you be able to stick with it but back off a little and see if she pursues? Is it worth it to you to keep seeing where this goes, and risk a bit of heartbreak in exchange for the chance that she'll want to be with you exclusively on down the road? I think the important question may not be what she wants, but what you want. Decide what you want to do. And if you decide that you want to continue to pursue this, at some point you need to ask what's on her mind. It doesn't have to be a super serious conversation. In fact it's probably better if it's not. But at some point, tell her you like her a lot and you wonder where she sees things going with the two of you.

 

Best of luck out there! 

[QuietRiotGrrrl]

The only way to really know if she likes you or how much is to talk to her.  While you're discussing how you feel, you could always ask her about her relationship views.  Some people are polyamorous, or she could have been hurt before and trying to keep things more casual for awhile in general. Maybe she doesn't know if there is one that she is more interested in than the others, or maybe she's worried if she chooses one the others won't even want to stay friends (it happens) and she's not ready to lose the friendship part.  It could be a lot of things, and you can only guess until you speak with her about it.  

 

As for what to do (outside of talking to her), like they said, just live your life.  Jealousy is more about possession than love, so worrying too much about the other guys involved isn't going to do anything but stress you out.  Get to know her better, but don't let your own interests or other friends go.  If you work on the friendship part of the relationship first, then which ever direction you guys continue, you will have a good friend in your life (maybe more).  If she is an awesome lady, then just enjoy the good times together.  

 

Basically, let her know how you feel and ask how she feels. Talk.  And live your life.