Dating while Getting Fit

[Mollum]

So I've been thinking a bit about this lately. I'm in my early twenties and I've sort of been casually dating people who I meet on tinder now and then but I don't really know how to take it forward with people I genuinely like. And I have never really dated anyone seriously, and I think a big part of that is how I feel about my body.

A ) I always keep aspiring towards this level of ultimate hotness that I think will change everything for my romantic life but I know it won't. 

b ) I also know that there are so many people out there who are maybe not in the best shape but have healthy and happy dating lives/relationships, but I find this hard to apply this to my own life. I don't know, they also seem attractive to me. It's also really confusing, because it's difficult to perceive your own body the same way you perceive others'. There are plenty of people who are not in perfect shape who I find incredibly attractive.

 

Which brings me to this open thread. How do you all do it? How do you date, while knowing that you are not in the shape you want to be in? How do you figure out whether you are the kind of person, physically, that people would want to date? 

[Trixie Falsae]

Carrying extra weight does not make you any less capable of loving someone. It doesn't make you any less deserving of love. I wouldn't want to date someone that only looked at my rockin' bod and didn't care a wit about my mind and spirit. All the couples I know that have been married a long time have one thing in common. The women have gained up to 100lbs from when they are dating and their husbands still think they are the hottest woman around. That's love. Its all well and good to want to look attractive to get a mate. I think that part is instinct. For me, I just focused on loving myself. I found myself interesting and looked forward to sharing myself with someone because I knew I had so much to give. I felt that being someone that was interesting, funny, smart was more important than worrying about my hotness level. I attracted a lot of attention because I was so unconcerned with being attractive to others and dressed in a way that made me feel beautiful and acted in a way that made me feel likable. Focusing primarily on physical attraction is rather shallow and does not make a basis of a lasting or fulfilling relationship. Once something happens and you are no longer at your peak appearance or any emotional toil and the relationship dissolved do to not having any meaningful foundation.

 

Instead of worrying about your physical appearance ('cuz there is a fetish for everything, someone will be into you no matter what), have you tried examining your personality and figuring out if you are the kind of personality that you would want to date?

[Mollum]

Thank you for these responses. Im definitely trying to be open and to feel positively about myself. I guess what I find is that it feels hard to get people to become interested in you if you are not a certain level of attractive. It's hard to take things further. And that may also have to do with general reticence, it's not all about my body image stuff. But what you all said does make a lot of sense.

[Guzzi]

23 hours ago, Mollum said:

So I've been thinking a bit about this lately. I'm in my early twenties and I've sort of been casually dating people who I meet on tinder now and then but I don't really know how to take it forward with people I genuinely like. And I have never really dated anyone seriously, and I think a big part of that is how I feel about my body.

 

I'm sure that intellectually you know that if someone likes you enough to go on a date with you then they like you, whatever your body is. The problem is more of an emotional response than an intellectual one. 

 

You are not alone.

 

Lots of people have issues with their bodies. Some people have BIG issues with them. It's difficult in this day and age NOT to when you are constantly being bombarded with altered images being the norm, but if you are finding that how you look is interfering with your life, in any way, then you need to realise that it's become disproportionate. It's important that you do something about it and start learning to accept yourself. 

 

Your body is just the shell that you reside within, it has no bearing on who you are as a person. If your body became horribly mangled tomorrow, say as the result of a motorcycle accident or something, you'd still be the same person inside, you wouldn't have any less value as a person because of it. 

 

Your body might not be how you'd like it it to be. I'm sorry to break it to you but it might never be, and let me tell you that getting old is a shit! At least you're still young and you've not got wrinkles, or saggy bits, or grey pubes to worry about.  

 

You don't have to love your body, but you do need to learn to accept it. Once you do that your whole problem will disappear. You will probably still want to change things about yourself: lose weight, get toned, eat better, exercise more, but that's normal. As long as it's not stopping you from doing what you want to do or from being happy.  

 

Once you learn to accept yourself then your body will no longer be a barrier to taking the next step with someone you like. 

 

Quote

A ) I always keep aspiring towards this level of ultimate hotness that I think will change everything for my romantic life but I know it won't. 

 

You said it.

 

A lot of us do this. It's good that you can admit to it, hopefully we can change the way of thinking that brought you to this in the first place. 

 

I think that some online research would find some advice and tools that would help you to come to terms with your body and improve your self confidence. 

 

Quote

How do you figure out whether you are the kind of person, physically, that people would want to date? 

 

When I met my boyfriend I was probably in the best shape of my life. I had lost a ton of weight, I was lean and toned and feeling great about myself. I went on holiday with a group of people, one of whom was my soon-to-be boyfriend. We hit it off as soon as we met soon the whole does-he-like-me-or-are-we-just-friends-thingy began. Despite me trying my best to subtly signal that I was interested he wasn't taking me up so eventually I plucked up the courage to make the first move, and the rest is history. 

 

I should point out that at this time I was pretty close to being (my bf would tell you that I was, and still am) "smoking hot", he on the other hand was very overweight and his nose was peeling attractively from getting it sunburnt on the first day. I was attracted to him regardless of his physical appearance. It would never have occurred to me that he wasn't the guy for me just just because he was.... errr.... well, fat. (Sorry Colin!)  

 

Best of luck

[TheOtherScott]

Generally speaking, I think it's important to be upfront with people you're in a relationship with, and fitness aspirations is as good a place as any to make that a habit.

 

I started dating my wife a little while after I started taking my health more seriously, but didn't start running until after we got married.  I probably mentioned a few times that I was working to get in better shape while dating, and she was supportive of that.  I'm sure it was more complicated than that, but essentially, she knew going in that I was a work in progress. 

[Mollum]

On 08/01/2017 at 3:58 AM, Guzzi said:

 

I'm sure that intellectually you know that if someone likes you enough to go on a date with you then they like you, whatever your body is. The problem is more of an emotional response than an intellectual one. 

 

You are not alone.

 

Lots of people have issues with their bodies. Some people have BIG issues with them. It's difficult in this day and age NOT to when you are constantly being bombarded with altered images being the norm, but if you are finding that how you look is interfering with your life, in any way, then you need to realise that it's become disproportionate. It's important that you do something about it and start learning to accept yourself. 

 

Your body is just the shell that you reside within, it has no bearing on who you are as a person. If your body became horribly mangled tomorrow, say as the result of a motorcycle accident or something, you'd still be the same person inside, you wouldn't have any less value as a person because of it. 

 

Your body might not be how you'd like it it to be. I'm sorry to break it to you but it might never be, and let me tell you that getting old is a shit! At least you're still young and you've not got wrinkles, or saggy bits, or grey pubes to worry about.  

 

You don't have to love your body, but you do need to learn to accept it. Once you do that your whole problem will disappear. You will probably still want to change things about yourself: lose weight, get toned, eat better, exercise more, but that's normal. As long as it's not stopping you from doing what you want to do or from being happy.  

 

Once you learn to accept yourself then your body will no longer be a barrier to taking the next step with someone you like. 

 

 

You said it.

 

A lot of us do this. It's good that you can admit to it, hopefully we can change the way of thinking that brought you to this in the first place. 

 

I think that some online research would find some advice and tools that would help you to come to terms with your body and improve your self confidence. 

 

 

When I met my boyfriend I was probably in the best shape of my life. I had lost a ton of weight, I was lean and toned and feeling great about myself. I went on holiday with a group of people, one of whom was my soon-to-be boyfriend. We hit it off as soon as we met soon the whole does-he-like-me-or-are-we-just-friends-thingy began. Despite me trying my best to subtly signal that I was interested he wasn't taking me up so eventually I plucked up the courage to make the first move, and the rest is history. 

 

I should point out that at this time I was pretty close to being (my bf would tell you that I was, and still am) "smoking hot", he on the other hand was very overweight and his nose was peeling attractively from getting it sunburnt on the first day. I was attracted to him regardless of his physical appearance. It would never have occurred to me that he wasn't the guy for me just just because he was.... errr.... well, fat. (Sorry Colin!)  

 

Best of luck

Hi. I've been thinking a lot about what you've said here. It makes a lot of sense. But it's so difficult to internalize this. But it's definitely what I needed to hear. 

[Guzzi]

5 hours ago, Mollum said:

Hi. I've been thinking a lot about what you've said here. It makes a lot of sense. But it's so difficult to internalize this. But it's definitely what I needed to hear. 

 

I hope I came across as supportive and trying to help rather than being critical or anything. My brain was pretty addled with all the painkillers that night so tone and nuance was a little beyond me. It took me over 2 hours to write, lol! 

 

The main point I was trying to get across is that you are just as important/valuable/worthwhile now as you will be if when you get into shape. The fact that you have these concern suggests that you don't value yourself enough and you feel that you need to look different in order to be worthwhile. 

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said that you found other people to be attractive with less than perfect physiques but couldn't seem to apply it to yourself. It's all about how you feel about the value of your personality and how imperfect you believe your body to be. 

 

There are lots of simple ways to improve these, like writing down 3 of your good points each day etc. My brain isn't quite up to thinking of things right now so if someone else can think of some then please chime in, or pay a visit to Google.  

[Mollum]

18 hours ago, Guzzi said:

 

I hope I came across as supportive and trying to help rather than being critical or anything. My brain was pretty addled with all the painkillers that night so tone and nuance was a little beyond me. It took me over 2 hours to write, lol! 

 

The main point I was trying to get across is that you are just as important/valuable/worthwhile now as you will be if when you get into shape. The fact that you have these concern suggests that you don't value yourself enough and you feel that you need to look different in order to be worthwhile. 

 

You hit the nail on the head when you said that you found other people to be attractive with less than perfect physiques but couldn't seem to apply it to yourself. It's all about how you feel about the value of your personality and how imperfect you believe your body to be. 

 

There are lots of simple ways to improve these, like writing down 3 of your good points each day etc. My brain isn't quite up to thinking of things right now so if someone else can think of some then please chime in, or pay a visit to Google.  

No, you're exactly right, and it's also a matter of what you believe yourself to be - that translates so much into behaviour. I need to start opening up to possibilities. And yes, I definitely don't feel like I have as much "value" as a romantic prospect without a good body. And it's difficult to remember that I do. Also, dating is hard in general :/

[Guzzi]

Well, just remember Grandma's* advice. Anyone who would only be interested in you for your looks isn't worth your interest. 

 

But yeah, dating is a minefield. It can be a lot of fun too though. I hope you manage to work on your  self belief and self worth. I'm sure ther are lots of free resources that you can tap into out there. 

 

 

*Yours, mine, probably everyone else's too. 

[Trixie Falsae]

We all go through periods where we feel unattractive or useless or too <insert whatever> to date. It is perfectly okay to just not date for a bit until you get your head on straight. After I went through divorce I purposely didn't date for four years so I had time to get to a healthy place with myself so that I could go on to have a healthy relationship. I went a bit longer than most people would want but it was the best thing for me. Dating was still hard afterwards, but I had a very clear picture of what I wanted and what I wouldn't tolerate.

[Geran]

I can weigh in on this (no pun intended) from a number of angles. First of all, I am shamelessly attracted to fit, slim, flat stomached women. I'm not a "BBW" lover by any stretch of the imagination, and I also find nothing wrong with desiring certain physical traits in your sex/relationship partners. There's a big difference between "back off you fat slob" and "I'm just not physically attracted to you."

 

That said, one of the women I am involved with is less than 5 foot 4 and over 200 pounds. Why am I attracted to her? Because of years of unmatched loyalty (unrelated, but I like bragging about her), and because of the effort she puts forth to better herself. She knows she's overweight. She knows what I do and don't find physically attractive. She could easily just say "I don't care if I'm heavy/unhealthy, love me as I am or not at all." But she recognizes the difference between fat shaming and encouraging someone to better themselves. She knows that when I push her to lift and eat better, I'm not saying "you're fat and ugly," but "I love you and I want you to be your best self."

 

People that REFUSE to do this are what is unattractive to me, not simply their physical state. I'd much rather a woman that is heavy and willing to work hard and properly reach her potential than a woman who just goes anorexic to turn into what she thinks I want her to be, or worse yet just languishes in an unhealthy state and expects me to find her attractive because I "shouldn't judge her." I don't judge her weight, I judge the mentality that causes her weight. Laziness and bad habits are more ugly than fat rolls, in my eyes. 

 

There has been a big push in our culture for "big is beautiful" and "no more fat shaming." Much like communism and feminism, these movements started off with great ideas, then drove right through into outlandish levels of aggression. I'm perfectly fine with a woman who takes care of herself and is happy and comfortable having a bit more curve or a few extra pounds. She loves herself and is happy with where she is. I'm not ok with a 300 pound woman who eats fast food four times a day and struggles to walk up a flight of stairs yelling at me and cursing me out because I'm honest enough to tell her I'm not physically attracted to her, especially when she puts in no effort to better herself.

 

The way I look at it, as long as you know you're giving your best reasonable effort to be the best version of yourself you can be, both mentally and physically, get involved with the people who like you, and either just be friends with or avoid the people who don't. Not everyone will like you. You won't like everyone. That's life. Find the person or people who push you to be YOUR best self.

[IslandGirl_Becks]

I didn't date my (now) BF in high school because I was uncomfortable with my own body. The ironic thing is that we started dating when I was just a few months past my heaviest. Since we've been together, I've moved towards a healthy weight. In the past, dating for me was an instant stress starter and weight gainer... Here's how I broke the pattern:

• He took me as I am. As @Guzzi's grandma said,  "Anyone who would only be interested in you for your looks isn't worth your interest." We click on a person to person level and build each other up as people. Even when I was sorting out an eating disorder, even when we both have dealt with depression, even when one of us takes on a bonkers project... we accepted each other knowing that there is stuff that we're working on. 
  • We were both working on stuff in our own lives. Don't settle for someone who says "the world must change to fit me" and doesn't have a growth mindset! 
• The guy I'm with is active. Just like I don't want to be the smartest person in the room, I try to surround myself with people who are already at where I want to be. As a result, many of our early dating activities (and now everyday activities!) involved hikes, bike rides, bouldering... If you want to be an active, fit, person, look for someone who enjoys being active and is fit! Bonus: It makes the "lets go out for dinner" easier to deal with, because most of the time that's preceded by "hey, wanna go on a hike/walk/bike/dancing/mounineering/paddleboarding...?" 
• We focused on being friends first. Seriously, I didn't think "this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with" right from the start. All you have to think is "Hey, this person is interesting. I'd like to get to know them better." The friend crush came before the falling head over heels. 

Those are my thoughts for the moment... take them for what you will! 

[Guzzi]

 

14 hours ago, IslandGirl_Becks said:

• We focused on being friends first. Seriously, I didn't think "this is the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with" right from the start. All you have to think is "Hey, this person is interesting. I'd like to get to know them better." The friend crush came before the falling head over heels. 

Those are my thoughts for the moment... take them for what you will! 

 

^^^This!  It's all about enjoying each other's company and having fun.  The next stage will hopefully follow on naturally.

 

Personally, I've never been on an actual "date" in my life.  I'm only on boyfriend no.2 right enough but I met both Peter (my late husband) and Colin (my now bf) through mutual interests.  Peter was in the Air Cadets at the same time as me and we shared a lot in common but we were at the age where you didn't really go on dates, you just had a snog and that was it, you were going out, lol!  I met Colin when we both went on a group holiday to the Isle of Man to watch the TT.  There was an immediate connection and we spent a lot of time together over the 2 weeks.  It was only near the end of the holiday when I "made a move" and we started being more than just friends.  We lived hundreds of miles (and the North Sea) away so we developed a long distance relationship based on phone calls and only met up again for the first time about a month/6 weeks after the holiday by which time we were already quite emotionally involved.

 

In both relationships we had a friendship first and started dating second.  I think that's why both my relationships have been so successful, I knew that we had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company before we started a relationship, rather than the classic "meet someone while you're drunk in the pub, swap phone numbers, go on dates, shag, try to get to know each other" route.

 

[SpecialSundae]

On 12/01/2017 at 8:21 PM, Geran said:

I can weigh in on this (no pun intended) from a number of angles. First of all, I am shamelessly attracted to fit, slim, flat stomached women. I'm not a "BBW" lover by any stretch of the imagination, and I also find nothing wrong with desiring certain physical traits in your sex/relationship partners. There's a big difference between "back off you fat slob" and "I'm just not physically attracted to you."

 

That said, one of the women I am involved with is less than 5 foot 4 and over 200 pounds. Why am I attracted to her? Because of years of unmatched loyalty (unrelated, but I like bragging about her), and because of the effort she puts forth to better herself. She knows she's overweight. She knows what I do and don't find physically attractive. She could easily just say "I don't care if I'm heavy/unhealthy, love me as I am or not at all." But she recognizes the difference between fat shaming and encouraging someone to better themselves. She knows that when I push her to lift and eat better, I'm not saying "you're fat and ugly," but "I love you and I want you to be your best self."

 

People that REFUSE to do this are what is unattractive to me, not simply their physical state. I'd much rather a woman that is heavy and willing to work hard and properly reach her potential than a woman who just goes anorexic to turn into what she thinks I want her to be, or worse yet just languishes in an unhealthy state and expects me to find her attractive because I "shouldn't judge her." I don't judge her weight, I judge the mentality that causes her weight. Laziness and bad habits are more ugly than fat rolls, in my eyes. 

 

There has been a big push in our culture for "big is beautiful" and "no more fat shaming." Much like communism and feminism, these movements started off with great ideas, then drove right through into outlandish levels of aggression. I'm perfectly fine with a woman who takes care of herself and is happy and comfortable having a bit more curve or a few extra pounds. She loves herself and is happy with where she is. I'm not ok with a 300 pound woman who eats fast food four times a day and struggles to walk up a flight of stairs yelling at me and cursing me out because I'm honest enough to tell her I'm not physically attracted to her, especially when she puts in no effort to better herself.

 

The way I look at it, as long as you know you're giving your best reasonable effort to be the best version of yourself you can be, both mentally and physically, get involved with the people who like you, and either just be friends with or avoid the people who don't. Not everyone will like you. You won't like everyone. That's life. Find the person or people who push you to be YOUR best self.

Out of curiosity, do you adhere to the same standards that you expect of women?

[Geran]

1 hour ago, SpecialSundae said:

Out of curiosity, do you adhere to the same standards that you expect of women?

Yes. 100% and always. I believe very strongly in "never expect anyone to do anything you won't do yourself." It absolutely disgusts me when I see men that expect women to look like porn stars or anime characters when they literally have their guts hanging down over their belts. I also believe in setting a good example. If I want a woman I get involved with to care about her diet, fitness, life goals, bettering herself, and so on, then I need to be a living example of a lifestyle that emphasizes those things. Without getting into too much detail, I tend toward a leadership role in my relationships, and especially with my military background I have a very "lead from the front" mentality. If we're going into heavy fire, I'm going first. If I want you to do a lift/exercise/diet change, I'm going to do it first and make sure it's safe and effective. Excellent question, thank you for asking.

[Mollum]

I think (for me) it's so difficult to like myself when I don't like my body. Or when I don't even accept my body and am constantly frantically striving toward changing it. And when I'm in that state, I find it impossible to believe that anyone else would ever like me! Which gets in the way of dating, and, to be quite honest, any activity in which I have to believe that I am a worthy person (e.g. applying to graduate school, taking leadership at work, etc.)

I think the only phase in my life at which I, for a few brief and wonderful moments, had reached a balanced state where I liked my body and the person I was within it, was perhaps three years ago, while I was at college. At that time, I felt so good about myself - good enough to wear short skirts, dye my hair blue, and approach a girl I really liked with confidence in myself. A few people raised the topic of body positivity, and I would like to say that my discovery of that movement definitely had a significant role to play in the development of that mindset! That was also the point at which I began realising that beauty is not determined by beauty standards, and that the people I found most beautiful were passionate and funny and joyful about life and unapologetically themselves -- and so that's what I tried to find in myself and share with the world. And my fitness journey (which was ongoing) was separate from my conception of beauty, for a bit.

I think I'm thinking about this again because I just saw @IslandGirl_Becks' comment and it's funny, because I think I just caught feels for an old friend

Also, I had a bit of a bad day in terms of feeling really shit about my body and my looks, triggered by meeting another old friend in the morning, who always has lots of snide insults and backhanded compliments to make about my body and my looks. This friend was always the "chubby one" of our group back in school, and she was made fun of for that, and for other aspects of her appearance. It's funny, because she is now stunning (very conventionally so). But, I mean, she puts a lot of effort into making herself stunning. My mom explains the comments by saying she's insecure -- but aren't we all? And I don't think everyone goes around making constant comments about other people's looks and bodies. It's frustrating and exhausting and makes me kind of miserable. I always find myself making an effort to look extra pretty when I go meet her, only to have my self image demolished. It sucks. I want to be around people who make me feel beautiful, I guess -- who draw out that passion and joy for life from me. I was just scrolling through a body positivity Instagram and just totally crushing on the girl who runs it, and I kind of realised that while I do want to lose weight...I also want to be beautiful in the way of someone who is passionate about life, and when my life is kind of ruled by my anxiety about looking a certain way, or, alternatively, by my depression, I don't have the time or energy to seek out the things that make me happy and invigorate me.

 

i guess the challenge for me is figuring out a way to incorporate fitness into my life without it being a body-anxiety-driven thing, if that makes sense. And once that is done, I can focus on the things that make me happy.

[Guzzi]

 

17 minutes ago, Mollum said:

I think the only phase in my life at which I, for a few brief and wonderful moments, had reached a balanced state where I liked my body and the person I was within it, was perhaps three years ago, while I was at college. At that time, I felt so good about myself - good enough to wear short skirts, dye my hair blue, and approach a girl I really liked with confidence in myself. A few people raised the topic of body positivity, and I would like to say that my discovery of that movement definitely had a significant role to play in the development of that mindset! That was also the point at which I began realising that beauty is not determined by beauty standards, and that the people I found most beautiful were passionate and funny and joyful about life and unapologetically themselves -- and so that's what I tried to find in myself and share with the world. And my fitness journey (which was ongoing) was separate from my conception of beauty, for a bit.

 

There have been a few threads on here over the years about what people find sexy, or beautiful, or attractive, and the things that keep being brought up time and time again are having confidence and being passionate, enthusiasm and positivity, people who are warm and caring.  It's normal for us to have physical preferences but when it really comes down to it they are usually trumped by personality traits.  

 

17 minutes ago, Mollum said:

Also, I had a bit of a bad day in terms of feeling really shit about my body and my looks, triggered by meeting another old friend in the morning, who always has lots of snide insults and backhanded compliments to make about my body and my looks.

 

This person is not a friend.  She is toxic and shouldn't be part of your life.  I know that sounds cruel but think about it, would you accept someone telling you "you're fat and ugly" every time you saw them?  The fact that she's able to convey those sentiments to you without saying them directly just means that she's clever about how she puts you down.

 

Think about your friendship with her, what does she bring to your relationship that is positive?  If this is the way she makes you feel each time you see her then it's simply crazy to see her at all.  Sometimes we have friends who are just friends because we've known them for forever, but when you actually evaluate your friendship critically you realise that they're not a positive influence in your life.  And why would you want to have anyone in your life that actually puts you down and makes you feel bad about yourself???  

 

(I actually had a "friend" who did this, she would be very sly about it and would even try to make me feel jealous by making out that she and my partner were "good friends".  Eventually she stepped over the line and I just told her straight that I couldn't have a friendship with her any more.  It was painful but the reality is that I should have done it much sooner.)

 

17 minutes ago, Mollum said:

i guess the challenge for me is figuring out a way to incorporate fitness into my life without it being a body-anxiety-driven thing, if that makes sense. And once that is done, I can focus on the things that make me happy.

 

This makes perfect sense!  Find something that you enjoy and just work on improving at it, whether it's dancing, hiking, swimming, lifting, yoga or running.  If doing it makes you happy and it's good for you then that's a win - win situation.  

[Violetta]

2 hours ago, Mollum said:

I think (for me) it's so difficult to like myself when I don't like my body. Or when I don't even accept my body and am constantly frantically striving toward changing it. And when I'm in that state, I find it impossible to believe that anyone else would ever like me! Which gets in the way of dating, and, to be quite honest, any activity in which I have to believe that I am a worthy person (e.g. applying to graduate school, taking leadership at work, etc.)

 

I think you may want to consider learning to love yourself more before you date -- it's so hard to give to someone else what you can't give to yourself. Also, when you  are secure, you can date more from a place of WANTING to be in a relationship (and being choosy who you enter into one with) rather than NEEDING to.

I heard a great talk on self-compassion lately. The upshot was, say a friend went on a date with someone she was really excited about. 10 minutes into the date, he stood up and said he wasn't interested and left. She calls you crying. What would you tell her? "Of course he's not interested -- you have big hips, your hair is frizzy and you're not that interesting. Why would a successful, handsome man be interested?"? OF COURSE NOT! You would remind her of all the wonderful, lovable things about herself. But most of us show far less compassion to ourselves than we would to a friend. 

Also, be aware that a perfect body is NOT a criteria for most people. I'm far more interested in someone who is kind, intelligent, loving and thoughtful than someone who is going to be gracing the cover of Muscle and Fitness.