LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[SevenofSeven]

Yes beard! But don't take my word for it, I am partial to men with great facial hair!

[SolitaryOrchid]

I want a beard...

Totes not jealous or anything....

[Reluctant Amazon]

I want to destroy my beard with LAZORS

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[SinnahSaint]

I want to destroy my beard with LAZORS

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I heard the electro-whosits works really well.

[Reluctant Amazon]

I heard the electro-whosits works really well.

Lightning is also under consideration.

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[Jett]

I want to destroy my beard with LAZORS.

Too bad there's no way to transplant it to Orchid. :/

[Twilight]

I will be the voice of dissent and say NO to beards (in general)! My husband has one, but it's his face, so hey. It's not like I shave, either.

[Latsu Swagneel]

I will be the voice of dissent and say NO to beards (in general)! My husband has one, but it's his face, so hey. It's not like I shave, either.

I get that. Like I said, I don't usually like beards unless I like the person behind the beard enough to get around it...

Like I say, it's the person that matters, not the plumbing or appearance...

Sent front phone. Any mistakes are its fault.

[Polaris]

- snip -

 

But, ahem. Beards. My opinion totally depends on who's wearing it. Some people only look good clean shaven, some only with a beard, a rare subset look equally ravishing either way. But I'm not a fan of stubble, it reminds me of every boring video game main character dude ever Plus it doesn't feel nice. I also strongly think that if you have a beard, you gotta have, like, something from a circle beard to a full beard. Yes, I have a strong opinions on beards despite being incapable of growing one.

[Ojuntapu]

Weighing in on the beard issue here. I totally have beard envy! Not sure if I'll be able to grow one (second month on T and not even peach fuzz in evidence) but if I am able to grow a beard I want a full beard - shot through with a distinguished bit of silver. Not a fan of stubble, at least as the kissee. It's scratchy. It says, 'stand back.' A full beard is soft and makes you want to cuddle. Okay, maybe just me. Full beards are mature and self-confident, stubble can't make up it's mind.

[Deidara]

I feel like I'm the only trans masculine person in the world who doesn't like or want facial hair at all haha. I don't like it on other people, or on me.

Like I have some and I fully plan on lasering it off eventually if I have money

[Hit]

I realise im necroing a little bit here but i want to address something quickly

 

 

 

I hope that people realize that when people like me struggle to understand (ask for a explanation), not all of us are homophobic, transphobic or looking to impose some form of erasure.

 

The problem isn't so much asking questions, it's in how they're asked. All too often straight people will come at me like it's amateur debate night - they have a stance and an agenda and they demand I prove them wrong. This can be innocuous (but how can you feel like a woman?) or pointed (why would you want to be a gross tranny*?), but it's always annoying and I've become way less open to answering questions because of it. 

 

You can see this pattern in the following:

 

 

I've seen that the male gays often strive for a lean, jacked and oiled body, while the ladies often "let go" of their bodies and end up being over weight. I'm talking out of what I've seen in real life: most gay guys look fit, most queer ladies look fat.

 

Now, I don't have any problem with that, but I do believe that they promove an unhealthy lifestyle for the other lesbian ladies. And I get it, it's their body and they can do whatever the hell they want with it. It's amazing to accept oneself and incredibly difficult to achieve! But on the other hand, the cost of being overweight is being open to a lot of preventable diseases such as diabetes, heart disease and many more.

 

This sort of "i said i had a question, but really i have an opinion that i will state as fact and then make you defend your lived experience". Not only that, but it's all packaged up in a bundle of assumptions that make the whole thing murkier and harder to respond to. Which is why peoples responses to this statement mostly tried to justify "why lesbians choose to be fat" and not "what the fuck are you talking about?". 

 

If you are an ally coming into a safe space and you have a question to ask, you are welcome to do so! Just try to remember the difference between a question and an opinion, and that the people here are speaking from real, lived experiences. It's not theoretical, it's not a debate, it's not change-my-view. 

 

*yes its a slur and a horrible question, but its also a real thing ive been asked

[petefeet]

I realise im necroing a little bit here but i want to address something quickly

 

 

The problem isn't so much asking questions, it's in how they're asked. All too often straight people will come at me like it's amateur debate night - they have a stance and an agenda and they demand I prove them wrong. This can be innocuous (but how can you feel like a woman?) or pointed (why would you want to be a gross tranny*?), but it's always annoying and I've become way less open to answering questions because of it. 

 

 

I'm truly sorry that you have been repeatedly put into this situation Hit, it's none of my business (or anybody else) how you live your life. (Nor is anybody's business how I live mine, unless of course I bring it up)

 

If you're a good and caring person that is all that should matter. Our lifestyles, our ethnic backgrounds, our social class etc.. should all be non-issues in my opinion, they help make us who we are but shouldn't be limiting factors.

[Twilight]

And for a while I thought you were single. Goddamnit.

 

That's ... completely irrelevant to the discussion and kind of inappropriate because hey, we've never even met, I don't know what you look like, we've never talked and just ... what. Even if I were single, that doesn't mean I'd be available to you. https://femsplain.com/sorry-i-have-a-boyfriend/

 

This thread keeps making me uncomfortable and it's supposed to be a safe space. I didn't get it the last time someone mentioned it, but I've been noticing things since then.

[Polaris]

That's ... completely irrelevant to the discussion and kind of inappropriate because hey, we've never even met, I don't know what you look like, we've never talked and just ... what. Even if I were single, that doesn't mean I'd be available to you. https://femsplain.com/sorry-i-have-a-boyfriend/

 

This thread keeps making me uncomfortable and it's supposed to be a safe space. I didn't get it the last time someone mentioned it, but I've been noticing things since then.

I am so sorry, honestly. I did not mean it seriously, I meant it as a jokey compliment, as in "hey you seem hella cool, all potentially attractive people are always taken [tongue-in-cheek smiley face]". I joke-flirt often, and it didn't occur to me that it wouldn't come through the right way in text and/or still be offensive. I'm sorry, I'm trash.

 

This is why I don't flirt with women in real life. I'm hurtful even when I'm kidding, I'm afraid what would happen if I were serious.

[Hit]

 

 

I joke-flirt often, and it didn't occur to me that it wouldn't come through the right way in text and/or still be offensive. I'm sorry, I'm trash.

You're not trash, you just overstepped. I feel like most people expect a safe space to be a "no-hookups zone", as they are often a place to share some pretty deep vulnerabilities and people can take advantage of that. 

[Polaris]

You're not trash, you just overstepped. I feel like most people expect a safe space to be a "no-hookups zone", as they are often a place to share some pretty deep vulnerabilities and people can take advantage of that. 

Of course, but I wasn't trying to hook up or actually flirt, I just made a joke that didn't translate across text. I thought it was clearer than it was because, I mean, who would even try to flirt in a public forum thread? (I'm fine now. Social anxiety and trauma issues make me react really strongly to stuff like this. [i'd also like to say that although Twilight was justified to tell me I was inappropriate, it could have been done less harshly, because even if I had been serious, I feel it's not right to treat a fellow queer lady (making assumptions here) like some predatory cishet dude.])

 

I feel like I'm the only trans masculine person in the world who doesn't like or want facial hair at all haha. I don't like it on other people, or on me.

You're not. I have a trans guy friend who's said all he really wants from T is to get a lower voice, because he likes to sing

 

I wrote in another thread what a pity it is that we can't just pick and choose what effect we want from hormones. Because while I have no desire to appear more dudely, I would welcome a testosterone boost for muscle development and fat decrease. (And, well, to stop periods but my BC pill already handles that.)

[Artinum]

You're not. I have a trans guy friend who's said all he really wants from T is to get a lower voice, because he likes to sing

 

Simple solution there - ditch the testosterone, and switch to sulphur hexafluoride. I entirely sympathise with the desire for a lower voice.

 

As for flirting - I am always flattered when anyone finds me attractive. It doesn't mean I feel the same way about them. But then, I do have an exhibitionist streak...

[Reluctant Amazon]

I always doubt the sanity if anyone who says I'm attractive. No matter what I'm presenting as. Not that I'm presenting as female fully ever...

ARGH STOP WHINING.

Im down 10 lbs. 391

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[Deidara]

Simple solution there - ditch the testosterone, and switch to sulphur hexafluoride. I entirely sympathise with the desire for a lower voice.

 

As for flirting - I am always flattered when anyone finds me attractive. It doesn't mean I feel the same way about them. But then, I do have an exhibitionist streak...

That stuff ain't permanent though, and I'm pretty sure it's not safe to be taking it in constantly. A better option for a trans person, who usuall wants a permanent voice change, is to do voice exercises and just work on maintaining that.

[Reluctant Amazon]

Simple solution there - ditch the testosterone, and switch to sulphur hexafluoride. I entirely sympathise with the desire for a lower voice.

As for flirting - I am always flattered when anyone finds me attractive. It doesn't mean I feel the same way about them. But then, I do have an exhibitionist streak...

This is kinda equivalent to telling a trans woman to use helium if she doesn't like her voice. Not really cool, IMO.

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[Hit]

 

 

As for flirting - I am always flattered when anyone finds me attractive. 

 

There are still places where it's not appropriate, and a safe space is definitely one of those. 

 

A bit of an extreme example, but within the trans community there are "chasers" who just really want to bang a trans woman. Some chasers like to frequent trans meetings posing as allys as a way to get close to their targets. The trans women often let their guard down in the group, are eager to connect to people and feel validated, and chasers can take advantage of that for an easy fix to their fetish.

 

A less extreme example is that safe spaces are supposed to be safe for everyone. if you start hooking up with someone within your safe space and it ends badly, then one of you may lose quite a large part of your support network. Which for marginalised groups like LGBTQI folk (who may not have a supportive home life / work life / school life) can be disastrous. 

And on the most basic level - people aren't really here to hook up, they're here to vent and share and (hopefully) relax. If someone feels like they have to keep their distance because they dont want to put up with being hit on, then the community suffers.

Now, im not saying anyone was acting that badly. Just trying to illustrate why safe spaces usually have an implicit no-hook-ups policy and why its important to uphold that. It's not a case of "they find you attractive, be flattered", it's a legitimate concern. 

 

 

 

Twilight was justified to tell me I was inappropriate, it could have been done less harshly, because even if I had been serious, I feel it's not right to treat a fellow queer lady (making assumptions here) like some predatory cishet dude.]

I feel like this conversation might best be had in PMs rather than in public, but please don't invalidate peoples reactions in this manner. As Twilight noted, they felt it wasn't "right to treat a fellow queer [person]" in the manner you treated them. It's easy enough to leave these things at an apology and move on.

[Artinum]

This is kinda equivalent to telling a trans woman to use helium if she doesn't like her voice. Not really cool, IMO.

 

That seems rather defensive. I was responding to a comment about someone wanting to use testosterone to modify their voice - nothing more.

[SolitaryOrchid]

That seems rather defensive. I was responding to a comment about someone wanting to use testosterone to modify their voice - nothing more.

 

I know for me personally people making light of transition can cause irritation. For a trans person, transition can be a lifesaving medical intervention. Making light of that can be construed as offensive. Imagine how it would sound if you told someone with cancer that all they needed to do to treat it was guzzle some formaldehyde. That would likely ruffle feathers as it comes off that their treatment is not being taken seriously. I know it was not your intention to be offensive and not everyone will even find it offensive but it is a very serious topic for many people.

[SjardisDead]

You're not. I have a trans guy friend who's said all he really wants from T is to get a lower voice, because he likes to sing

Hook him up with someone who has a strep throat and once his own throat is fully infected let him scream and shout untill his vocal cords are scarred. (The Roy Fitzgerald way)