LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Basement Cat]

LOOOL x'D A dirty mind is a joy forever, they say. 

 

Also, sounds like your parents are quite "meh" about gay people then. That's a pity. So... Do you think you'll ever tell your parents about your preference? Or will you just let it be?

I don't know yet. I'm still single, so I don't feel the need to tell them at the moment. If I ever meet someone, and I hope I will, I will have to decided then. It'S hard to say when you are not actually in that situation.

 

I had the same thought for many years. In the end I wanted my partner and my parents at my graduation. The event was public enough for them to ignore each other, and I had instructed friends to redirect my parents attention if needed.

In time my parents saw my happiness and the fact that I was, in the end, a better person now. I cannot say that is all milk and honey, but there is mutual respect and at this point my partner is as welcomed as me at my parents home.

So, never say never. I am not suggesting to dream of a perfect future and expect for it to appear without doing anything, but if we work on it we can improve something. And sometime it really gets better. Maybe we were just stubborn and patient enough not to give up, and it took us 30 years to fix things. Time to time we read here stories like Staci's or Joe's, people that put together their life and changed it. I see no difference with what I did. Maybe it is more difficult to quantify, but it can improve, it can change. Small steps, that's it.

Well, again, I'm not in that situation yet. I'll see if I ever meet a sweet lady to share my life with. *sigh* I live pretty far away from my parents and I don't visit all that often, so it would be possible to keep them in the dark. One thing at a time: get a girlfriend first, decide whether to tell my parents later.

[Haku]

I don't know yet. I'm still single, so I don't feel the need to tell them at the moment. If I ever meet someone, and I hope I will, I will have to decided then. It'S hard to say when you are not actually in that situation.

 

Well, again, I'm not in that situation yet. I'll see if I ever meet a sweet lady to share my life with. *sigh* I live pretty far away from my parents and I don't visit all that often, so it would be possible to keep them in the dark. One thing at a time: get a girlfriend first, decide whether to tell my parents later.

Yeah, I understand it. I told my parents about my preferences even though I've never had a girlfriend before. I told them I can come home with either a guy or a girl and they were like "Well, it doesn't matter, because we love you anyway". They're more concerned for my happiness than that they are concerned about me possibly having a gay relationship. They don't really care about it. They do care, though, about what kind of partner I will pick. It should be a nice partner, who is social and well-mannered. Things like that. Just the generic things you'd expect your parents to worry about when it comes to partners.  

 

But yeah, since I don't really see myself as a guy or a girl, I'm fine with falling for any gender. As long as they're a beautiful personality and I fall for them. And of course the eye wants something too. Gah I'm so picky. But really, at the moment I don't mind being single. I'm way too busy with school anyway, couldn't really handle a relationship right now. Ah well... Enough about me. n_n

[Pyrorazor]

or anyone? *giggity*

 

Seriously, the dress up look is awesome! I met a couple of gay guys along the way, but never a gay lady. Or the gay ladies were flying incognito and I just didn't know. It's really nice to meet people, even if it's just on a forum, who share so much with me. I'm only out to some of my family, my parents still don't know. I think my mom suspects but is not ready to accept it.

 

Yeah same here! It hard to meet people who are queer in my area cause I have horrible gaydar and I'm too shy to ask xD Like you, I'm out to maybe three people, and I'll never tell my parents, (maybe in the future but we'll see) mostly cause I don't want to face the possible rejection that might happen. It's different when it's strangers, but when it's your own parents, people who've raised me to be the person I am today, I can't face it, yet. Idk i guess in time, i'll be able to say, but I hardly doubt that.

[Flex Luthor]

Yeah same here! It hard to meet people who are queer in my area cause I have horrible gaydar and I'm too shy to ask xD Like you, I'm out to maybe three people, and I'll never tell my parents, (maybe in the future but we'll see) mostly cause I don't want to face the possible rejection that might happen. It's different when it's strangers, but when it's your own parents, people who've raised me to be the person I am today, I can't face it, yet. Idk i guess in time, i'll be able to say, but I hardly doubt that.

 

I meet them all time lol All you have to do is find out where the gay bars are in your area and go there. If you don't have any gay friends that are willing to go bring a straight girlfriend most gay guys love women plus she'll probably have eye candy since many gay bars are considered shirt optional. I hope that helps! I have a friend that struggled for years meeting people because of the same time of stuff you describe and this worked for him. Good luck!

[Basement Cat]

I meet them all time lol All you have to do is find out where the gay bars are in your area and go there. If you don't have any gay friends that are willing to go bring a straight girlfriend most gay guys love women plus she'll probably have eye candy since many gay bars are considered shirt optional. I hope that helps! I have a friend that struggled for years meeting people because of the same time of stuff you describe and this worked for him. Good luck!

Oh jeez. There are exactly 3 gay bars in Ottawa, and only one lesbian bar. Ottawa is not a queer friendly place! Ugh!

[Pyrorazor]

I meet them all time lol All you have to do is find out where the gay bars are in your area and go there. If you don't have any gay friends that are willing to go bring a straight girlfriend most gay guys love women plus she'll probably have eye candy since many gay bars are considered shirt optional. I hope that helps! I have a friend that struggled for years meeting people because of the same time of stuff you describe and this worked for him. Good luck!

 I totally would! if I had any straight friends that were willing to go to a gay bar. I would wait for Pride, but that's in five months. That and all the gay clubs are 21+ and I'm 20 Quite the predicament but I'll get by.

[Basement Cat]

 I totally would! if I had any straight friends that were willing to go to a gay bar. I would wait for Pride, but that's in five months. That and all the gay clubs are 21+ and I'm 20 Quite the predicament but I'll get by.

Be patient. That age deadline is going to come and go soon enough.

[Flex Luthor]

 I totally would! if I had any straight friends that were willing to go to a gay bar. I would wait for Pride, but that's in five months. That and all the gay clubs are 21+ and I'm 20 Quite the predicament but I'll get by.

 

If you live near Chicago I'll go with you lol Plus we have an ENORMOUS pride parade. I think over a million people went last year.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yeah, I understand it. I told my parents about my preferences even though I've never had a girlfriend before. I told them I can come home with either a guy or a girl and they were like "Well, it doesn't matter, because we love you anyway". They're more concerned for my happiness than that they are concerned about me possibly having a gay relationship. They don't really care about it. They do care, though, about what kind of partner I will pick. It should be a nice partner, who is social and well-mannered. Things like that. Just the generic things you'd expect your parents to worry about when it comes to partners.

 

But yeah, since I don't really see myself as a guy or a girl, I'm fine with falling for any gender. As long as they're a beautiful personality and I fall for them. And of course the eye wants something too. Gah I'm so picky. But really, at the moment I don't mind being single. I'm way too busy with school anyway, couldn't really handle a relationship right now. Ah well... Enough about me. n_n

 

Your parents sound amazing o_o

 

I told mom a few weeks ago that I hardly feel like a lady inside, and...it went better than expected. She obviously wasn't thrilled, but was mostly understanding. I'm just glad she didn't dismiss it as going through a phase again lol.

 

I don't know if I'll ever go the distance with the surgeries though. I have a friend on FaceBook who is transitioning, and apparently the paperwork is a complete clusterfuck. If I had to choose between being shot and dealing with paperwork, I'd pick the former lol.

[nightlight]

and once you are over 30 gay bars are not the best place to meet people. sigh. 

[Haku]

Your parents sound amazing o_o

I told mom a few weeks ago that I hardly feel like a lady inside, and...it went better than expected. She obviously wasn't thrilled, but was mostly understanding. I'm just glad she didn't dismiss it as going through a phase again lol.

I don't know if I'll ever go the distance with the surgeries though. I have a friend on FaceBook who is transitioning, and apparently the paperwork is a complete clusterfuck. If I had to choose between being shot and dealing with paperwork, I'd pick the former lol.

Yeah, I'm very lucky with my parents. At first I was like "I want to partially transition into being a guy", but in the end I decided that that's not it for me either. I'm kind of an in-betweener, really. n_n So it's easiest for me to just stick to what I have (which is huge boobs) and just wear the clothes I feel I want to wear and act the way I want to act. My parents are very open minded in any way. My dad made sure I had a good health insurance, so that in case I would decide to make my boobs smaller, the insurance would pay for it. My mum's accepted me the way I am loooong before I was concious that I was an in-betweener. So yeah. n_n

 

The paperwork is indeed very hard and very detailed. Or so I've heard in Vlogs on youtube. In the Netherlands it seems to be a bit easier. There's still paperwork to be done, but not so much. There's more of a psychological test. But if you don't feel like a lady inside, what DO you feel like? I think that's an important question that you should ask yourself. 

 

p.s. Seriously, our Loki avatars on here.. xD Every time it makes me smile, when I see our avi's on the same page, hahaha!

[Pyrorazor]

If you live near Chicago I'll go with you lol Plus we have an ENORMOUS pride parade. I think over a million people went last year.

I totally would!! If I lived in the mainland.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

"But if you don't feel like a lady inside, what DO you feel like? I think that's an important question that you should ask yourself. "

 

Warm and slimey like everyone else

[Tkal]

In the Netherlands it seems to be a bit easier. There's still paperwork to be done, but not so much. There's more of a psychological test.

It is not just one test. More been under close scrutiny for at least 6 months. Alone and with your parents.

And good luck if you feel halfway or are unsure or if the shrink you have been assigned to says "no".

I can compare well only with Italy, where the paperwork is awful (including getting in front of a judge twice, once to get surgeries and once to change your name). At least there if you hit a dead end with a doctor, you can change practitioner. And the trials are annoying and expensive, but in general you get the needed piece of paper quickly.

In both cases, however, it is ok as long as you can mark the M or the F on your documents. If you are something else, I'm sorry but tertium non datur

[Haku]

"But if you don't feel like a lady inside, what DO you feel like? I think that's an important question that you should ask yourself. "

Warm and slimey like everyone else

Hurrhurrhurr x'D 

 

It is not just one test. More been under close scrutiny for at least 6 months. Alone and with your parents.

And good luck if you feel halfway or are unsure or if the shrink you have been assigned to says "no".

I can compare well only with Italy, where the paperwork is awful (including getting in front of a judge twice, once to get surgeries and once to change your name). At least there if you hit a dead end with a doctor, you can change practitioner. And the trials are annoying and expensive, but in general you get the needed piece of paper quickly.

In both cases, however, it is ok as long as you can mark the M or the F on your documents. If you are something else, I'm sorry but tertium non datur

Yeah, I kind of derped out on that one. I meant the plural. There's multiple tests indeed, but from what I've heard it's not too difficult. You get good guidance through every step, things like that. And you have to live in the preferred gender role for a while, so you can check out whether it's really what you want, before they give you the green light to get hormones... It's a loooooong procedure and you have to have patience for it, but the paperwork is alright, from what I've heard. Indeed in NL you also have to request a name change, but I believe you can do that through sending a formal letter instead of standing in front of a judge. That's what I've heard, I haven't looked into it myself.

 

And even though I'm in between, I am alright with what I have. I don't necessarily need my body to match my feelings about myself. I can save money this way and fear (because I'm afraid of operations) and I can just work with what I have and make the best of it. Since I'm in between, being male wouldn't do it for me either. But yeah, this is just an idea I had about myself. It can always change, y'know? But this is what it feels like for me now. n_n

[ColoQ]

Just saw this thread. This is really awesome! Newbie here saying Hi. 

I'm a Bisexual, married, and poly, glad to see some peers. 

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Sorry Haku couldn't resist

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

Yeah, I'm very lucky with my parents. At first I was like "I want to partially transition into being a guy", but in the end I decided that that's not it for me either. I'm kind of an in-betweener, really. n_n So it's easiest for me to just stick to what I have (which is huge boobs) and just wear the clothes I feel I want to wear and act the way I want to act. My parents are very open minded in any way. My dad made sure I had a good health insurance, so that in case I would decide to make my boobs smaller, the insurance would pay for it. My mum's accepted me the way I am loooong before I was concious that I was an in-betweener. So yeah. n_n

 

The paperwork is indeed very hard and very detailed. Or so I've heard in Vlogs on youtube. In the Netherlands it seems to be a bit easier. There's still paperwork to be done, but not so much. There's more of a psychological test. But if you don't feel like a lady inside, what DO you feel like? I think that's an important question that you should ask yourself. 

 

p.s. Seriously, our Loki avatars on here.. xD Every time it makes me smile, when I see our avi's on the same page, hahaha!

 

The boob reduction might be a viable option. One of my friends is about to have it done (she isn't transgendered, but the size of them is causing her horrible back pain) and I'm pretty sure it's covered by insurance or medicare. She got hooked on fitness lately too, and lost a ton of weight...none of which came off her chest o_O

 

Hmm...breast cancer is in my family. I wonder if I'm at a high risk, genetics wise X)

 

 

Warm and slimey like everyone else

 

LOLOLOLOL

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Sorry I wasn't poking fun at anyone, there was a while where I dealt with not knowing who I was. I honestly just feel that people should feel comfortable with themselves because all in all we are all warm and slimey on the inside

[Callaeidae]

I want to ask something. What do you think about sites like autostraddle and afterellen (and its male counterpart)?

Sent from my phone

I think Autostraddle in particular is a pretty amazing resource. That said, I feel like I wouldn't fit into the community there at all & sometimes end up feeling a bit anxious(?) if I spend too much time on the site.

 

In contrast, any time I visit everyoneisgay.com I end up feeling much better than I did beforehand

[fleaball]

*hugs this thread and everyone in it* I wondered yesterday if I'd find anything like this on NF and y'all are much more awesome than I expected!

 

I apologize in advance for the novel I'm about to write but none of my RL friends understand my quasi-struggle and I feel the need to share it with people who might. If only to put it out there and say "there, I've told someone!"

 

I've struggled with picking a label since I was 13 or 14, at least. I knew I liked dudes thanks to various celebrity crushes, but I always wondered about girls. I felt like I couldn't say I was bi because I hadn't yet had a crush on/been attracted to a female, but saying I was straight also felt like a lie? (Later in high school everyone we worked with ~knew~ I was in a relationship with my female best friend but we weren't, and a kid in my year whom I never interacted with ever told my brother I was a lesbian. But these are neither here nor there. Though in retrospect may have had a raging crush on said best friend. Who knows now?) In college I struggled to figure out what my label was, though I never actually went out to meet people (social anxiety haaaayyyy) and test theories. I did have crushes on two dudes, neither of whom were physically attractive and one of whom was actually a huge dick but whatever. 

 

So for 10+ years there's been a lot of off and on trying to come up with an answer. I didn't care what that answer was, I was/am 100% okay with liking anybody, but I wanted an answer all the same. I finally decided "fuck it, if asked I'll say I'm bi." (Several instances of "omg I need [actress] in my bed NOW!" have helped.) And then tumblr came along with a zillion new boxes to shove yourself into and now I have to figure out if I'm this-sexual and that-romantic but with a preference for those, but if it's the third Tuesday in a leap year and it's snowing I only really love zebra-print meatballs covered in elephant whiskers. And I feel like I'm back at square one with NO clue where I stand.

 

It doesn't help that I'm just shy of 26, a virgin, and never been on a date. Partly because I had better things to do when I was younger, partly because aforementioned anxiety makes going out and meeting people for any reason a gigantor pain in the ass. So I have no idea what to expect from other people, or from/for myself. (Do I go talk to girls? What if they think I'm just using them for an "experiment?" Do I just focus on guys and hope a girl finds me instead?)

 

 

I personally don't actually find it as a label that applies to me, I think. I am more comfortable with saying I am bisexual, because that simply states I prefer men and women (and is open to broadening in the future, I guess). Wonder if I am the only one. Calling myself queer feels oddly appropriative.

 

tl;dr I found the above post wayyy back in this thread somewhere and it's pretty much me as well.

 

And I heart all of you. (This post brought to you in part by a bottle of red wine.)

[Bekah]

*hugs this thread and everyone in it* I wondered yesterday if I'd find anything like this on NF and y'all are much more awesome than I expected!

 

I apologize in advance for the novel I'm about to write but none of my RL friends understand my quasi-struggle and I feel the need to share it with people who might. If only to put it out there and say "there, I've told someone!"

 

I've struggled with picking a label since I was 13 or 14, at least. I knew I liked dudes thanks to various celebrity crushes, but I always wondered about girls. I felt like I couldn't say I was bi because I hadn't yet had a crush on/been attracted to a female, but saying I was straight also felt like a lie? (Later in high school everyone we worked with ~knew~ I was in a relationship with my female best friend but we weren't, and a kid in my year whom I never interacted with ever told my brother I was a lesbian. But these are neither here nor there. Though in retrospect may have had a raging crush on said best friend. Who knows now?) In college I struggled to figure out what my label was, though I never actually went out to meet people (social anxiety haaaayyyy) and test theories. I did have crushes on two dudes, neither of whom were physically attractive and one of whom was actually a huge dick but whatever. 

 

So for 10+ years there's been a lot of off and on trying to come up with an answer. I didn't care what that answer was, I was/am 100% okay with liking anybody, but I wanted an answer all the same. I finally decided "fuck it, if asked I'll say I'm bi." (Several instances of "omg I need [actress] in my bed NOW!" have helped.) And then tumblr came along with a zillion new boxes to shove yourself into and now I have to figure out if I'm this-sexual and that-romantic but with a preference for those, but if it's the third Tuesday in a leap year and it's snowing I only really love zebra-print meatballs covered in elephant whiskers. And I feel like I'm back at square one with NO clue where I stand.

 

It doesn't help that I'm just shy of 26, a virgin, and never been on a date. Partly because I had better things to do when I was younger, partly because aforementioned anxiety makes going out and meeting people for any reason a gigantor pain in the ass. So I have no idea what to expect from other people, or from/for myself. (Do I go talk to girls? What if they think I'm just using them for an "experiment?" Do I just focus on guys and hope a girl finds me instead?)

 

And I heart all of you. (This post brought to you in part by a bottle of red wine.)

<3 I can relate so much to this....except I never questioned anything until I was an adult...I'm so horrifically unaware that I just thought everyone in the world was sexually attracted to everyone else, and only the level of attraction made you gay or straight...like even straight girls liked other girls, but just liked guys more or something...lol, and then I learned about bisexuality and was thoroughly confused as to why there was a category for that at all?? I had a friend who I felt comfortable enough with to ask her what it all meant, and that's when I realized I wasn't like everyone else sexually....And I was in my early 30's.

Last year, I learned terms like polyamory and pansexual, and it was like this whole other realm of understanding. I haven't come out to anyone in my real life circle except my husband and my kids, and they all took it fine. I won't ever tell my family, they can't handle anything that isn't acceptable at a Tea Party Convention, so it's not worth the effort, they have never accepted me anyways, this won't make that change for the better.

As far as dating and talking to other girls...if I don't find her online or my husband brings her home...I'm doomed, at least until I move out of the epitome of conservative, cookie cutter, meet the status quo at all costs land and even then, I wouldn't know how to talk to her at all, I would probably stutter and drool on myself or something! Online at least it's easier to "talk" because there isn't all the non verbal bs and small talk and lights, sounds, smells and anxiety that are overwhelming the second I leave the house. I definitely need a special girl in my life, bc I can't deal with a bunch of drama and super emotions and all that stuff that average girls do in relationships, so yeah...a mostly homebody(I like outdoorsy active stuff with people I'm close to, but not much else outside my home) who likes to chat via PM sitting next to eachother and cuddle on the couch watching X men or LOTR and isn't a drama queen..and can make me laugh....that's what I want...is that realistic? I have no idea, but I am in no hurry...lol

I met my husband online, and we met with the expectation of marriage from the beginning if we clicked, so that took all the bs of "dating" away, which made it easier, otherwise I would probably still be alone.

[Flex Luthor]

<3 I can relate so much to this....except I never questioned anything until I was an adult...I'm so horrifically unaware that I just thought everyone in the world was sexually attracted to everyone else, and only the level of attraction made you gay or straight...like even straight girls liked other girls, but just liked guys more or something...lol, and then I learned about bisexuality and was thoroughly confused as to why there was a category for that at all?? I had a friend who I felt comfortable enough with to ask her what it all meant, and that's when I realized I wasn't like everyone else sexually....And I was in my early 30's.

Last year, I learned terms like polyamory and pansexual, and it was like this whole other realm of understanding. I haven't come out to anyone in my real life circle except my husband and my kids, and they all took it fine. I won't ever tell my family, they can't handle anything that isn't acceptable at a Tea Party Convention, so it's not worth the effort, they have never accepted me anyways, this won't make that change for the better.

As far as dating and talking to other girls...if I don't find her online or my husband brings her home...I'm doomed, at least until I move out of the epitome of conservative, cookie cutter, meet the status quo at all costs land and even then, I wouldn't know how to talk to her at all, I would probably stutter and drool on myself or something! Online at least it's easier to "talk" because there isn't all the non verbal bs and small talk and lights, sounds, smells and anxiety that are overwhelming the second I leave the house. I definitely need a special girl in my life, bc I can't deal with a bunch of drama and super emotions and all that stuff that average girls do in relationships, so yeah...a mostly homebody(I like outdoorsy active stuff with people I'm close to, but not much else outside my home) who likes to chat via PM sitting next to eachother and cuddle on the couch watching X men or LOTR and isn't a drama queen..and can make me laugh....that's what I want...is that realistic? I have no idea, but I am in no hurry...lol

I met my husband online, and we met with the expectation of marriage from the beginning if we clicked, so that took all the bs of "dating" away, which made it easier, otherwise I would probably still be alone.

 

Your description of what you want in a woman is awesome. Can you pick me up one while you're at it? lol

 

To fleaball. I've recommended gay bars before so I'll do it again because they really are awesome. I'm straight but shy. I used to be REALLY shy and going to gay bars helped bring me out of my shell a lot. I find folks on the queer end of the spectrum to be much friendlier and accepting in general. Plus you don't have to deal with all that macho energy which is just exhausting. Don't get me wrong I like it in the gym but that's a place that's meant to have some aggression. When I'm out I just want to have fun.

[Bekah]

Your description of what you want in a woman is awesome. Can you pick me up one while you're at it? lol

 

To fleaball. I've recommended gay bars before so I'll do it again because they really are awesome. I'm straight but shy. I used to be REALLY shy and going to gay bars helped bring me out of my shell a lot. I find folks on the queer end of the spectrum to be much friendlier and accepting in general. Plus you don't have to deal with all that macho energy which is just exhausting. Don't get me wrong I like it in the gym but that's a place that's meant to have some aggression. When I'm out I just want to have fun.

As far as picking you up a woman....I don't mind sharing, but don't tell J LOL! I will find a set of twins for us k?  

Hmmmm....you know, I could maybe do a gay bar, and bring J as my wingman, after a few drinks I get much less anxious and it deadens the sensory bs that I normally hate, so that might just be a good idea....but what's the chances of finding something more than a good time at gay bars for us old folks (Im 36 with teenagers...but apparently I look much younger according to people I have known all my life)???

[SuNoYo]

Um, hi.

 

Been browsing the last three or four pages and decided to post. I'm biologically female, but I identify as gender fluid - typically I'm more neutral-gendered or masculine/male than feminine/female. Except. Well. I flat out have a lot of difficulty identifying people by gender/biological sex/whatever to the point where I just shrug and go 'well, I'm biologically female, but I don't know about anything else' when introducing myself or end up profusely apologising to everyone in general by saying 'I get confused between males and females, be they gender or sex, so sorry in advance'. Also I now find myself being annoyed by binary gender options; why can't they all have 'other', 'none' or 'please specify (optional)? I'd probably prefer 'none' myself.

That said, I like having a female body usually, and after a few weeks experimentation with male and non-gendered pronouns I find I prefer female ones. That and I'm afraid to say I know a few bigots (mostly mild or 'was raised that way but do have good intentions, they honestly don't mean it') so it's easier to just go with she/her. That said, this is a minor issue for me as I just don't care about them.

But while reading over these past four pages, specifically the discussion with Tamesis and a few others (sorry, I can't remember all your names!) I discovered binders are a thing. And well, while I like my boobs (and boobs generally), sometimes I feel very male/masculine/neutral and don't want to present as overly female. That and a medical problem that screws with my hormones has me really disliking my boobs more often than not due to lopsidedness.

But here's where we run into problems. While my parents are fine with my bisexuality/pansexuality (I've yet to broach the pan- part) they'd be less comfortable with my attempts to neutralise certain aspects of my appearance. In spite of my neutral->masculine interior my appearance would be fairly effeminate I suppose, and I do have a perfect hourglass figure hiding under my fat with quite big hips. Also I think I have a fairly feminine face? I may be part of the hairstyle too . . . and my multiple ear piercings.

So any tips on how to create a wardrobe and appearance that cross most gender boundaries? Or a good binder for a beginner? I suppose a 'lighter' binder would work for starters because the parents know that I like the compression and smallness I get from sports bras, but how to go further?