LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[ColoQ]

 I won't ever tell my family, they can't handle anything that isn't acceptable at a Tea Party Convention, so it's not worth the effort, they have never accepted me anyways, this won't make that change for the better.

I totally understand this. I've been hiding under "assumed straight" for a while.  I'm not out to my parents either. And while I do agree with the sentiment that one of the best ways to combat the sort of LGBTQ bigotry in our families is to be out to our families I find it hard. My dad just turned 80. I want to continue to have a relationship with him and I don't think I could if I was out.

My friends, my wife, and one of my sisters know, but not the rest of my family. Neither does anyone at work. I worry about what messages are being communicated to my niece and nephews. I am going to come out to my family at a reasonable amount of time after my dad passes ( which at the rate he is going is ~20 years from now - I apparently come from great genes). 

 

I honestly feel like a coward  :/

[Bekah]

I totally understand this. I've been hiding under "assumed straight" for a while.  I'm not out to my parents either. And while I do agree with the sentiment that one of the best ways to combat the sort of LGBTQ bigotry in our families is to be out to our families I find it hard. My dad just turned 80. I want to continue to have a relationship with him and I don't think I could if I was out.

My friends, my wife, and one of my sisters know, but not the rest of my family. Neither does anyone at work. I worry about what messages are being communicated to my niece and nephews. I am going to come out to my family at a reasonable amount of time after my dad passes ( which at the rate he is going is ~20 years from now - I apparently come from great genes). 

 

I honestly feel like a coward  :/

I understand, and have struggled with it myself, but I "came out", for lack of a better word, in different ways (changing religions, interracial relationships etc.) and they reacted SO negatively to all of those (my brother still calls me a n*gger lover 15 years later) and I had to stop speaking to my family for several years because of the way they treated me in front of my children, and the way they spoke about my choice of religion because it wasn't Evangelical Christianity...so being that I am certain how this would go over, I feel much less like a coward...because I know they wont change their thinking, no matter what I say or do, because I have tried in many ways to help them see a new way to live, and they refuse and have seen openmindedness as a flaw in my character since I was a child...so it would be like trying to tear down a steel door with my fingers...I can focus my efforts on making sure my children and people I come into contact with that will listen, learn something worthwhile and that stereotypes are wrong for LGBTQA folks just like they are for blacks or Muslims or blondes...because using that towards my family is a waste of breath, maybe my nieces and nephews would be receptive someday, but definitely not my parents....I dont think you are a coward at all for waiting until your father passes to be able to have a relationship with him. I have never had a close relationship with my parents, for sooooo many reasons, so I don't miss what I have never had, usually....but I think if I did, I would choose to stay close with them during the last years with them too, unless of course you are really unhappy in general with your life/marriage etc. and are still just playing straight to make everyone happy but you, and staying married to keep those appearances...then that's a different thing, and no one should live like that. But being attracted to both sexes and being married and happy, is very different, to me anyway. You have to live your life, and not everyone is called to be a crusader for GLBTQA rights to every other person on the planet, and that can be as simple as "I disagree" when someone says something offensive. At least thats how I see it. You don't have to be "out" to everyone to change their thinking and be an activist, and sometimes that is what gets them to change the most, is seeing you as a "straight" guy, and being close to you and knowing you are just like everyone else, then "coming out" later in life, they can't deny that you are living some horrible existence then, because they have watched you live a "normal" life for years by then, know what I mean? 

I hope this helped in some way, I don't see you as a coward at all  

[Flex Luthor]

As far as picking you up a woman....I don't mind sharing, but don't tell J LOL! I will find a set of twins for us k?  

Hmmmm....you know, I could maybe do a gay bar, and bring J as my wingman, after a few drinks I get much less anxious and it deadens the sensory bs that I normally hate, so that might just be a good idea....but what's the chances of finding something more than a good time at gay bars for us old folks (Im 36 with teenagers...but apparently I look much younger according to people I have known all my life)???

 

Sharing is caring

 

You might not find anything more than a good time but that's ok. It's obviously slim pickings for me at a gay bar but I've still had some awesome experiences and it helped me a lot with my confidence. Plus it just helped me to realize that people and the world in general aren't as scary as I thought. I'm still a work in progress but it's helped speed things along for sure.

[kwas1968]

Sharing is caring

 

You might not find anything more than a good time but that's ok. It's obviously slim pickings for me at a gay bar but I've still had some awesome experiences and it helped me a lot with my confidence. Plus it just helped me to realize that people and the world in general aren't as scary as I thought. I'm still a work in progress but it's helped speed things along for sure.

 

Simon

 

you may be the most accepting straight guy I've ever encountered! Wish the guys in my gym were like you are.

[Flex Luthor]

Simon

 

you may be the most accepting straight guy I've ever encountered! Wish the guys in my gym were like you are.

 

Thanks dude/dudette. My mother raised me to be very tolerant of others and I'm very grateful for that. My cousin is ftm trans and I love him more than anything in the world. I think he always knew he was different and so did I which just made it that much easier to accept anyone and everyone later in life. I live in a pretty liberal state(Illinois) and there are still people that aren't completely accepting. I can't even imagine what it would be like in more conservative areas. If there's anything I can do to make queer folk to feel more loved and accepted I'm all for it.

[fleaball]

I just thought everyone in the world was sexually attracted to everyone else, and only the level of attraction made you gay or straight...like even straight girls liked other girls, but just liked guys more or something...lol

I want a movie of this or something. I wish the world worked like that!

 

@ Simon: I'm high-fiving you from here dude. You are made of awesome sauce. Going to a gay bar has always been on the to-do list. Just have to talk myself into going out alone, yay!

 

@ SuNoYo: I'm sorry I have zero advice to offer. I would try Googling for resources, or look at tumblr (with the caveat that sometimes tumblr can be terrible, too)? I've seen like, queer support/resource blogs where people seem to get pointed in the right direction? Sorry I can't be of more help.

 

@ColoQ: I wouldn't call you a coward. I think it really depends on your situation. If you're out to the people close to you, do other people matter? Is it any of their buisness? For example, I share very little of my personal life with my coworkers in general and feel no need to tell them who I'm interested in. And re: your dad, if it would cause you more pain not to have a relationship with him than it does not to be out to him, do what you've gotta do. If you feel like you're hiding from people and compromising who you are, maybe a therapist/counselor/etc could help you work out your feelings and come up with a plan?

 

 

 

Disclaimer: I'll probably wind up offending somebody at some point by offering advice on things I've never dealt with myself and may not understand. Pre-emptive apology offered now.

[MissMormie]

I want a movie of this or something. I wish the world worked like that!

Isn't this basically every porn movie? I mean everyone seems to get along really well in those.

[fleaball]

Isn't this basically every porn movie? I mean everyone seems to get along really well in those.

Haha could be. Might depend on what kind you're watching though.

[insanity]

@ Simon: I'm high-fiving you from here dude. You are made of awesome sauce. Going to a gay bar has always been on the to-do list. Just have to talk myself into going out alone, yay!

Word of advice... don't go with someone of the same sex that's about 60 years your senior...

 

Yeah... that was the most uncomfortable I've felt in a LOOONG time. Probably had to do with not knowing it was a gay bar too...

[ColoQ]

@ SuNoYo: I'm sorry I have zero advice to offer. I would try Googling for resources, or look at tumblr (with the caveat that sometimes tumblr can be terrible, too)? I've seen like, queer support/resource blogs where people seem to get pointed in the right direction? Sorry I can't be of more help.

Yes.. check the internet. "Genderqueer" is totally a thing. Another thought is check out the Savage Lovecast / Savage Love advice column. Dan Savage is an out, gay sex-positive advice columnist. His Podcast is quite good for advice, and if you call in on his 1-800- number you might get your question answered, and/or he tends to bring in an "expert" at least once a show. His write-in advice column is also quite good too.

 

 

@ColoQ: I wouldn't call you a coward. I think it really depends on your situation. If you're out to the people close to you, do other people matter? Is it any of their buisness? For example, I share very little of my personal life with my coworkers in general and feel no need to tell them who I'm interested in. And re: your dad, if it would cause you more pain not to have a relationship with him than it does not to be out to him, do what you've gotta do. If you feel like you're hiding from people and compromising who you are, maybe a therapist/counselor/etc could help you work out your feelings and come up with a plan?

Yeah.. I don't really care about my coworkers - except if I happen to be hanging out with my Guy FBs,  where a co-worker might see.. that could be awkward. I'm out to the 90% of people who I care about. I had to kind of make a family of close friends because my family wasn't exactly on the same frequency with me when younger. Its only more recently I've grown closer to my parents and sisters. 

[kwas1968]

Thanks dude/dudette. My mother raised me to be very tolerant of others and I'm very grateful for that. My cousin is ftm trans and I love him more than anything in the world. I think he always knew he was different and so did I which just made it that much easier to accept anyone and everyone later in life. I live in a pretty liberal state(Illinois) and there are still people that aren't completely accepting. I can't even imagine what it would be like in more conservative areas. If there's anything I can do to make queer folk to feel more loved and accepted I'm all for it.

 

dude/dudette lol

 

my old best mate and first person I cam out to was very understanding (eventually) and he was supportive to the point of going to gay bars with me so I wouldn't have to go on my own. But you are a whole new level... Kudos to you man <3

 

Also this thread is so enlightening for me. I thought I was "special" being a regular gay guy. But some of the contributors are explaining sexualities and genders I could't have thought possible, fantastic reading and I can't imagine where you would start to explain how some of you guys/girls/neither/all three feel to your nearest and dearest.

 

D x

[Haku]

I thought I was "special" being a regular gay guy.

Everyone's special in their own way. Even straight people sometimes have some "special" things about them. But because everyone has something special, it also means that having something special is actually pretty normal.

[kwas1968]

Reading the posts, I've noticed the word queer used many times and cringed every time I've read it.

 

In the UK (at least where I live) it's still used outside the LBGTGA community as a negative term for those within. Its only since I've read the positive use of the term queer on this tread and subsequently googled its I've realised we are reclaiming it. Fabulous

 

The next time my sexuality comes up in a conversation I'm going to tell them I'm queer

[kwas1968]

Everyone's special in their own way. Even straight people sometimes have some "special" things about them. But because everyone has something special, it also means that having something special is actually pretty normal.

Couldn't agree more

[ColoQ]

Reading the posts, I've noticed the word queer used many times and cringed every time I've read it.

 

In the UK (at least where I live) it's still used outside the LBGTGA community as a negative term for those within. Its only since I've read the positive use of the term queer on this tread and subsequently googled its I've realised we are reclaiming it. Fabulous

 

The next time my sexuality comes up in a conversation I'm going to tell them I'm queer

Yeah.. through me for a loop when I first started hearing it too.

[Flex Luthor]

Reading the posts, I've noticed the word queer used many times and cringed every time I've read it.

 

In the UK (at least where I live) it's still used outside the LBGTGA community as a negative term for those within. Its only since I've read the positive use of the term queer on this tread and subsequently googled its I've realised we are reclaiming it. Fabulous

 

The next time my sexuality comes up in a conversation I'm going to tell them I'm queer

 

I thought it was weird at first as well as I lumped that term in with all the other negative words of that variation. As you mentioned though the spectrum is way broader than straight/gay so I think the term came out of convenience. It ties everything into a neat little bow. I'm not really a fan of labels in general though. Labels can be very limiting and prejudice inducing so I like to avoid them at all costs. They're useful for certain contextual descriptions like the way I described my cousin above but normally I would just describe him as my cousin. No need to go further. The only 2 labels I do like are partner and friend

[BeautifulBeast]

Thanks dude/dudette. My mother raised me to be very tolerant of others and I'm very grateful for that. My cousin is ftm trans and I love him more than anything in the world. I think he always knew he was different and so did I which just made it that much easier to accept anyone and everyone later in life. I live in a pretty liberal state(Illinois) and there are still people that aren't completely accepting. I can't even imagine what it would be like in more conservative areas. If there's anything I can do to make queer folk to feel more loved and accepted I'm all for it.

I don't know where in Illinois you live but here in tiny town America, smack dab in the middle of the state...not so liberal or accepting. A lot of my struggle with the lifestyle my husband and I have chosen stems from the fear of being outed. It would be a scandal for sure haha. Then again the Muslim family that moved in recently cause a pretty big stir as well, which speaks volumes to the amount of back woods bigotry that exists here! But I hear Chicago and surrounding areas are pretty accepting of everything ;-)

[Artinum]

I seldom hear "queer" used, and I'm in the UK. Virtually all use of it I have heard is within the gay community. Maybe it's a generational thing.

 

I rather like it. I keep thinking of Homer. "We're here! We're queer! We don't want any more bears!"

[Bekah]

The only 2 labels I do like are partner and friend

Same here and must be nice to live somewhere accepting, I wouldn't be surprised if they burnt gays at the stake around here (Small town Florida). I need to get out of here!!! Anyone know a small beach town that's openminded and not super hot 10 months a year?

[Jittersthe.Clown]

I can give you two out of those three with MN...  

[Flex Luthor]

I mean Chicago's pretty damn close too. Not exactly small though lol

[Jittersthe.Clown]

We might be able to get a beach as long as you don't mind them being the pebble beaches and the water being 39-55 degrees throughout the year...

[Frost of the Gloaming]

With all the craziness that is Florida you would think that they had other real issues to deal with rather than worry about how people show their love

[Artinum]

We might be able to get a beach as long as you don't mind them being the pebble beaches and the water being 39-55 degrees throughout the year...

 

Sounds like the UK's favourite gay seaside town, Brighton...

[Bekah]

I can give you two out of those three with MN...

I mean Chicago's pretty damn close too. Not exactly small though lol

We might be able to get a beach as long as you don't mind them being the pebble beaches and the water being 39-55 degrees throughout the year...

Hm.....I'm not sure which is more tempting MN, IL, MN, IL

Jitters your wife isnt going to kill me right? It's all fun and games till someone picks up the steak knives

I am totally okay with some kind of zen pebble garden with a fountain, its all about the visual effects of the water and the sound...a waterfall type fountain is equivalent to a beach to my psyche...being able to go in the water has its benefits, but nothing a weighted blanket doesn't solve too...so it's not mandatory

With all the craziness that is Florida you would think that they had other real issues to deal with rather than worry about how people show their love

Haha we have SO many issues down here. I have no scientific evidence for this, but i swear that the constant heat here causes some kind of heat induced insanity in some people, because almost ALL of the super crazy shit in the country either starts here, or they are from here and moved somewhere else later! LOL!

It's so bad here, that the public school mascot for my kids middle school, was a crusader (the knight on a horse with the shield with a cross on it kind) in a PUBLIC school....I almost had a fit the first time I saw that It's flat out backwards here