t-minus 364 days...

[Baenlynn]

Getting Here:

Who Am I?

That's the question I ask myself every day, because I don't think I've ever truly known. Who I am seems to be something on the very tip of my tongue, just out of reach of my hands. Who I am is something I know only by instinct, only in that half-remembered state between waking and sleeping. Something beyond words. . . I know it only by one word: becoming.

But I could spend a month simply telling you about becoming, because I know a great deal about it just from the giant footprints it leaves behind: grand ideas which could change, shake, or even destroy the world, possibilities which inflame the mind and lead me toward paths which I have not walked but seem to know HOW to walk. Sometimes it is something simple as a manner of speaking, as a word, a feeling, and sometimes it is close enough to touch. . .

Once, only once, I spent an afternoon playing soccer with some friends and for those brief two hours I could read body language like words on a page. I knew when to pass, which way to dodge, and when and how to feint. I knew what my friends were going to do before they did it and I could step in and around them like they weren't even there, and I am not a physically confident person, least of all handling a ball with only my feet. But still I knew, I knew in a way which I have never before or since.

Becoming knows no horizon and accepts no impossibility. Becoming will shoulder any hardship and take on any challenge that exists between itself and the goal. Becoming is flexible, adaptable and knowledgeable on a wide range of subjects. Becoming is implacable and will not be stopped, and it is the search for becoming, not fitness, which brings me here.

A year ago today I was unemployed, and I had never had a permanent full-time job, even at the age of 27. Today I am employed, full-time, and I hate it. Not because I work long hours, not because of the shift work, not because I am always on my feet (In the six months I've had it, my job has helped me lose 17 kilograms, and my eating habits actually got WORSE). What I hate about my job is that it is a dead end. I hate it because I have gone from having 168 hours a week with which to do whatever I wish, to working in a factory for a bottom line, doing little else besides fattening the wallets of rich idiots. Because I work 12-hour shifts and because they are physically demanding, on the days when I work I can do little more than work and sleep. Because I work four-on/four-off I cannot keep a weekly hobby, can't take weekly classes, and I have hardly seen my family since I started this job.

Beyond that all I see happening with my life is that I am accumulating not the hallmarks of adulthood (job, house, car, loans, etc.) but anchors which tie me down and become my masters. I have a degree I have been trying to finish for a very long time now and I will never get back to university if I end up with an armload of financial obligations, and unless I work for myself I will never have the freedom and flexibility I crave to keep building my library of skills and exploring all the things I want to explore.

Yesterday, on the verge of a full-on freak out, traipsing the aisles of the supermarket, hating the machinery of modern life which was chugging away around me, like a drowning man I clawed the phone from my pocket and messaged my fiancee, seeking some kind of light in that storm-tossed sea of darkness. That was when I decided, not just verbally, but with all of my self that I will no longer live like this.

What I want:

A year from today, I will be free of that crappy job, I will be working my way towards working for myself and financial independence, and I will be fit as hell and checking off the items on my list. Because the alternative is not an alternative: it is nothing less than a slow death sentence.

Now some of that may sound heavy, intense, or right off the map, but it's all true. I often downplay what I see inside myself, but it's high-time I stopped. I may not yet be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but I know what possibilities my potential holds, and I've yet to see something and had my bones say to me: "Nope. Can't do that." When Frank Herbert wrote of Paul Atreides sense of his own 'Terrible Purpose' I knew exactly what he meant: the sense, the scope, the scale. It's enough to make you run very far in the opposite direction, but I don't have a choice anymore: it's terrible purpose or just terrible.

I said before that I didn't come here for fitness, not that I couldn't stand to be more fit and lose those last few extra Kilos, but fitness is not my primary motivation: Becoming is. Fitness is just one piece of the whole puzzle. I don't plan to run or cycle competitively much at all, but I'll be damned if I don't want to be competitive.

For the moment I am still formulating my plan, but I know the fitness part will involve Yoga, Pilates, and Krav Maga. As a Ranger (if that wasn't obvious already) these fit best within my goals of a physical self which is supple, lean, and adaptable. The biggest reason however is I have noticed recently that sometimes after heavy lifting at work that I have been getting some back and neck pain. Focussing on building and keeping my back muscles in shape (and learning how to use them) is of vital importance I feel, having more than one co-worker over 40 who can't bend down in a hurry I don't want to end up with ruptured discs or other problems, especially when both branches of my family are incredibly long lived. I plan on spending my body slowly over the course of my 80-plus years, not burning it out before I hit my golden years.

The other parts of the plan are:

• Mental (learning):
  As a Ranger I already have a fair library of skills, the mental part of the plan involves increasing my knowledge in areas that will aid in my financial freedom, focussing on areas of interest. At present I'm thinking of getting back into woodwork, which was my favourite subject in high school, polishing up my existing skills and expanding them. Plus when the zombie apocalypse comes and the cities become nests of infected, knowing how to build a house from scratch is a VERY handy skill to have (thanks Dad for your 1965 edition of the reader's digest DIY manual!).
  
• Psychological (personal development):
  This is a journey I've started probably a dozen times over the past six years. This time is going to be different. The psychological part of my plan involves finally kicking the head of all the bad habits that have had me going in circles for all of that time. As a longer-range goal I also want to start moving toward a career in personal coaching. A prospect I find much more fulfilling than simply becoming a clinical psychologist.
  
• Financial:
  Mostly self-explanatory. The goal is for the end of 12 months to be in a better job that makes better use of my skillset and working towards working for myself full-time in a capacity that has room to grow. Longer-term I will avoid going into debt wherever possible and accumulate enough money to explore the things I want to do.
  
• Spiritual (Becoming):
  This is something I have been working towards for more than half my life now, and I don't know if I'm any closer now than I was before. I'd like to think so, but I liked to think so two, five, and ten years ago too. The timetable is twelve months. Now it may sound strange to put enlightenment on a timetable, but it's not. I am. There's the difference.
  

When I've had a few hours to more properly define and articulate what each of these will entail I'll write some more. In the meantime I'll be here all night.

[Erick the Red]

You are doing well to identify your challenges and making plans. I hope you do better than me at turning those plans into actions -- that has always been my weakness. Good luck using the six-week challenges and this community to help motivate you to do what is necessary to move to a better place in terms of job and everything else!

[cammocat@gmail.com]

All the fucking applause! You sound well rad. Welcome!

[Baenlynn]

Popping back in...

Like I said: work eats up my time. I've just come off four night shifts in a row and then crashed out for a good 8 hours. But this week it's time to start pulling the plan together, and figure out how I'm gonna manage to stay on track when I'm working.