Removing negative people...

[Ceasefire]

 

They say to lead a positive life, you need to remove negative people.

 

What happens if those negative people are family?

 

A little bit of backstory, because I need some advice:

 

I moved to the US in 2007. I moved out of my parents home, leaving behind everyone in my family to be closer to my husband's family. It was a case of either/or. It was either me move to the US or my husband move to the UK. Either way, someone was leaving their family behind.

 

My family have never really been nice to me. My mother is one of my main reasons for my body insecurity. She would talk crap about me even though I was just in the next room. I was told I was a disappointment many, many times. I do regret leaving sometimes, because I left everyone I knew and loved for a hope at a new life, including my siblings. My youngest brother was only 6 at the time. He didn't understand I wasn't coming back. I feel guilty for that.

 

My relationship with my sister has improved. My relationship with one of my brothers has fallen apart. Yesterday, on Facebook, he posted (again) 'What's the point?' and I simply responded that I think he needs to seek help for his depression. He spieled off a ton of crap like 'Why should you care? You're never there' even though I have repeatedly asked him to contact me if he needed someone to talk to. He then deleted his post. And removed me as friend. And whereas I know it's petty and pathetic, it still hurts.

 

And I don't need that kind of hurt in my life right now. Do I accept this side of my family or do I let them sever their own ties?

[JPrev]

The decision you make now may be different than the one you'd make later.  "Sever" is a strong word, and I'm not sure if it needs to be so black and white.  Then again, everyone has a different situation.

 

I know of it going both ways.  I've seen someone fall out of touch with a family member, and when time ran out, they still didn't have any regrets.  On the other hand, I've seen someone take time away from a family member, and though there's still a lot of unforgiven pain to go around, they've now patched it up enough to see them from time to time.  It's a "dosage" thing.

 

Sounds like a different situation is happening with the one brother, though.

[Jittersthe.Clown]

Depending on what you want (yes, you!), I would let him know that you are still his sister and will be there for him if he needs.  It comes down to how much you are willing to put up with.  I know you miss your family, and it's hard to be away from them for so long, but if you're willing to be there for them (long distance for now) and they're not willing to be there for you or willing to have you in their lives, it's just going to cause you more hurt.  Foster the relationship you have with your sister.  Perhaps your brother will come around.  

[MariahSnow]

Hey Ceasefire!

 

My family is massively negative. My mother also used to talk shit about me when I was just in the other room. As sad as it sounds, I think she was honestly jealous of me. Jealous of a child, wrap your head around that one. Even to this day, she'll ask me, quite accusatory, "why is your skin so clear?" She had cystic acne in her 20s and that's like the biggest tragedy of her life (yawn). So I get where you are coming from. I've also have had enough negative conversations with my brother and sister in law that I refuse to call them. If they want to call me, then I will answer and chat. Note: I've called and called, left voicemails, etc. When I stopped calling, I didn't speak to either of them for 3 months.

 

Ok, so what to do about it? Your family is probably always going to be in your life, so your "job" is to learn how to react to them. This is fucking hard, and I'm actually in therapy right now for the aforementioned "Momma Drama" because I just can't let some stuff go. But you absolutely HAVE to let some stuff go if you want to move on, grow, and hopefully not pass the baggage on to your children.

 

As for your brother, it sounds like he's having problems. And it sounds like you've reach out to him in multiple ways. Perhaps the best solution now is to wait. In a year, or less, or more, he might come back to you and say, "I'm sorry, we're siblings, let's forgive and forget". If he harbors a grudge because you asked him what's wrong on Facebook, then that's HIS problem. And unfortunately, you can't change him or make him do things you want him to do. As difficult as this is, you might have to let go of him a little bit. Hopefully, in time, he'll come around and y'all can build up a relationship. But right now he seems to be pushing people away and although I imagine you would love to help him in any way possible, the best help might be to let him stumble and pick himself up.

 

Families are hard, and moving really far away is really hard. I strongly recommend therapy. It has helped me a lot and I think it's worthwhile for anyone going through a drastic lifestyle change.

[Ceasefire]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

 

My brother sent me another message today and whereas I appreciate his first comment (that I posted on his main Facebook page and he would have preferred a message) he then went back to saying how I wouldn't have liked it if he came up to me and told me to 'sort my weight out'. Which he did. A number of times.

 

And then he promptly went back to the age old argument of that I don't contact them enough and that means I don't care and told me to 'have a nice life'.

 

So, there's that. Sigh.

[I-Jo]

my dad does that to me- he'll call me up and ask if my fingers are broken.

 

Because I never dial the phone to call him.

 

I flipped out on my mom once and said- you better tell dad he's going to lose his daughter if he keeps calling me up and accusing me of not calling because every time I fucking call- he is too busy to talk to me.

 

Parents/family can't see what they are really doing sometimes.

 

I just flip it back and say it's a two way street- you say I never call- but I don't remember when you called me either.  

 

 

My brother is also highly volatile- and depressive- has been suicidal and does the same kind of facebook posting. I try to be reliable and consistent- I try to call for holidays- but I'm not getting dragged into that.  If he brings up the past- I just say- I can't do anything about that- and I"m sorry I behaved the way I did- but I'm trying to be a new better me.  This is me trying. And move forward. 

 

 

I try not to make rash decisions with my family- but I live far away from them so it's easy to not get caught up in drama.   Family things are hard- hugs.  Slow baby steps. Just keep being an adult. It's typically the best answer.

[MariahSnow]

I "forgot" (was busy) on Mother's day once and my mother left me a message like, "well you never answer your phone. And by the way it's mother's day".

 

Why would I call that back? I know she's pissed, I don't want to deal with it. Sorry I didn't call you on an arbitrary day to thank you for pushing me out of your vag. So she actually called my father at work, who then called me, and basically conference-called with my mother. Because I'm sure my father isn't busy and has nothing better to do than sort out his wife's drama while he's working (sarcasm).

 

Anyway, those of you with siblings who are volatile, depressive, and suicidal, I really feel for you. If that were me, I don't know if I'd be able to let go enough. Those people, unfortunately, will just drag you into their tornado and that's not helpful to them and it's not good for you. But if you let them be, they could spiral out of control in a fatal way. And that's incredibly hard to sit back and watch, but honestly there's nothing you can do. It's their life, it's their choice. Sigh.

[FalseAesop]

I may be a cold hearted bastard when it comes to this topic, but I've seen a lot of people go through a lot of emotional trauma because of family.  My advice is, if they are hurting you, cut yourself off from them.  

 

My own brother was a bi-polar drug addict.  I have plenty of scar tissue from his manic swings, he once stole my identity and cleaned out my bank account.  Finally I had enough and just cut myself off from him.  Didn't talk to him for nearly 6 years.  We never spoke.  Don't get me wrong, I love my brother, but I didn't like the son of a bitch. 

 

Even after he had gotten his life 'straightened out', I didn't speak with him.  I wanted nothing to do with him. It wasn't until he had a daughter that I spoke to him again, because I wanted to know my niece.  

 

And there is the secret.  The thing that makes cutting off someone from your family that is effecting you negatively a viable option.  They're family.  They are always going to be family.  My brother and I still aren't close, but we're civil now.  I might speak with him every couple of months, and for the past 7 years I've visited him and his family about once a year so that I may know my niece and nephew.  

 

I in no way regret cutting him off for over half a decade. I still don't trust him, all is not forgiven.  But we're family.  I love the guy, and that can survive a lot.  Still if they're actively hurting you.  Screw em.  Least for now.

[Maledictus]

 Sorry I didn't call you on an arbitrary day to thank you for pushing me out of your vag.

 

I am totally getting that printed on a card.  My mother would have loved it. (I'm a bit of a mummy's boy but luckily she was a beer swilling thug).

 

 

Thanks for the advice, guys.

 

My brother sent me another message today and whereas I appreciate his first comment (that I posted on his main Facebook page and he would have preferred a message) he then went back to saying how I wouldn't have liked it if he came up to me and told me to 'sort my weight out'. Which he did. A number of times.

 

And then he promptly went back to the age old argument of that I don't contact them enough and that means I don't care and told me to 'have a nice life'.

 

So, there's that. Sigh.

 

I'd be tempted to pour petrol on it and walk away.  But then the only reason most of my family are still in my life is because my wife forces the point. Which is kind of ridiculous because she doesn't get on all that well with them herself.  At a certain point it is advisable to just leave them to it and wait for everyone to cool down.  If they never do well hey ho, that's a whole lot of drama avoided.  Pretty certain at some point my father is going to give me the "I don't want you to speak at my funeral" bit.  I just can't decide whether to point out I might not be turning up depending on other commitments or to start rehearsing the "you can't handle the truth" speech from a few good men.

[cline]

I cut ties w my brother. I don't call, write, etc. did not attend his wedding. He's so vile even spousal unit really detests him (and spousal unit likes everybody).

I talk to my parents on birthdays, thanksgiving, and Christmas. I don't email them any longer. I never visit. Once every 4-5 years they visit me if they are nearby. I don't miss them or the aggravation. My life is so much better. Thanksgiving call was painful.

I have my in laws. They are warm, loving, kind people.

And don't post to your brother on fb. Save the aggravation.

[MariahSnow]

This thread makes me really sad because there are a bunch of people who are purposely cut off from their family because of some kind of drama. I do not think any of you are wrong in your choices and in fact, I wish I could be as strong. But shit, family is supposed to be that support system, the relationships that hold you up when you're struggling. And most of you have turned to your family for help and found nothing. That really sucks. Back to the original post - if people in your life are that negative, that unsupportive, that upsetting, then they don't deserve to be in your awesome life.

[pirateradio]

I just noticed this one, and boy does it hit home. Family can be this wonderful, supportive unit that has your back, but unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that, they also can be toxic. In my case, long winded story, but I came from a family with weird dynamics and it seems like I got the worst of it. My dad never separated properly from his birth family and in many ways they dominated our lives, plus there also was a very toxic element where the punishment didn't fit the crime growing up, and there was this tremendous dynamic that if you dared say no to anyone in the family or 'step out of line', well, the end of the world was coming...it wasn't just one thing..and when I started dating then had my own family, it was intrusive as hell, relatives dropping over without calling, expecting us to do things without asking us whether it was okay with us, just aweful....eventually, around the time my son was born, the shit hit the fan, literally, my mom died and there were other dramas going on, and I ended up in therapy, and I had to make some hard choices to protect my own family....wasn't easy, but I set boundaries and basically ended up ostracized for it. I never slammed the door, but the problem is my brother and sister kept trying to recreate the old relationship, they wanted their compliant, easy to push around baby brother, and I won't do it. It has probably been about 14 years since I have seen any of them, and while the door isn't shut on my side, there haven't been any serious attempts at a new relationship. Basically, they want me to sit there and grovel and admit it is all my fault and so forth, they are still caught in the old dynamics. And yes, it isn't easy, when holidays come or my son has a performance, I wish I had family to share it with, but I also remember what holidays and such were like growing up, and a lot of it wasn't all that pleasant (not with my own birth family, but the obligations to the 'broader' family, get togethers and such, that weren't pleasant).....and when I look at my son and realize how differently he has grown up, I can't regret it.

 

It sounds like you are creating your own life, and all you can do is live your life and decide how you want to live it. If family won'y give you the same courtesy and respect you would demand from a friend, then don't put up with it. Blood may be thicker than water, but that doesn't mean that blood outweighs everything, often the family that matters is the family we create, I am a lot closer to people I have shared lifes tragedies and triumphs with, suffered through things with, than with my birth family, and they really are my family:)

[MariahSnow]

I just noticed this one, and boy does it hit home. Family can be this wonderful, supportive unit that has your back, but unfortunately it doesn't always work out like that, they also can be toxic. In my case, long winded story, but I came from a family with weird dynamics and it seems like I got the worst of it. My dad never separated properly from his birth family and in many ways they dominated our lives, plus there also was a very toxic element where the punishment didn't fit the crime growing up, and there was this tremendous dynamic that if you dared say no to anyone in the family or 'step out of line', well, the end of the world was coming...it wasn't just one thing..and when I started dating then had my own family, it was intrusive as hell, relatives dropping over without calling, expecting us to do things without asking us whether it was okay with us, just aweful....eventually, around the time my son was born, the shit hit the fan, literally, my mom died and there were other dramas going on, and I ended up in therapy, and I had to make some hard choices to protect my own family....wasn't easy, but I set boundaries and basically ended up ostracized for it. I never slammed the door, but the problem is my brother and sister kept trying to recreate the old relationship, they wanted their compliant, easy to push around baby brother, and I won't do it. It has probably been about 14 years since I have seen any of them, and while the door isn't shut on my side, there haven't been any serious attempts at a new relationship. Basically, they want me to sit there and grovel and admit it is all my fault and so forth, they are still caught in the old dynamics. And yes, it isn't easy, when holidays come or my son has a performance, I wish I had family to share it with, but I also remember what holidays and such were like growing up, and a lot of it wasn't all that pleasant (not with my own birth family, but the obligations to the 'broader' family, get togethers and such, that weren't pleasant).....and when I look at my son and realize how differently he has grown up, I can't regret it.

 

It sounds like you are creating your own life, and all you can do is live your life and decide how you want to live it. If family won'y give you the same courtesy and respect you would demand from a friend, then don't put up with it. Blood may be thicker than water, but that doesn't mean that blood outweighs everything, often the family that matters is the family we create, I am a lot closer to people I have shared lifes tragedies and triumphs with, suffered through things with, than with my birth family, and they really are my family:)

 

This is heartbreaking. All of it is. Particularly the part about your son not having connections with your family. That really blows. As mentioned in my previous posts, my mother has issues - mental issues, drug issues, you name it. She's passed some of those issues down to me and as a result, I've pretty much distanced myself from her and the family. My partner is a single child, doesn't know his father very well and his mother is deceased. I overheard some women in the bathroom at work talking about how important the grandparent-grandchild relationship can be and it just made me sad because my (potential future) child will never have that. And that really sucks. It's really unfortunate when the decisions of one generation trickle down into the generations to follow. But the alternative (exposing my child to my drug-addled mother) is not only damaging mentally, but potentially physically because she is very forgetful (i.e. would leave a young child unattended).

[Beaucastle]

 I overheard some women in the bathroom at work talking about how important the grandparent-grandchild relationship can be and it just made me sad because my (potential future) child will never have that. And that really sucks.

I wasn't going to chime into this thread, because I am lucky enough to have a one of those hug you-welcome home-I missed you .... I was only gone 8 hours to work people.. kinda famiy.  We are a mixed bag of treats to be sure, but we're family.     Let me qualify something here too. ... my family is comprised of divorces and step children and half siblings and a fair share of adopted by choice souls.  What I can tell you is that your kids don't have to do without the grandparent /grand child relationship.  Several of my grand parents are of no legal relation to me.  They simply loved me as their grandchild and I loved them as a grandparent and became part of my family unit.  My children also aquired grandparents in the same manner.  Elders who stepped in to that role over time and my parents were not slighted by this at all.  Not everyone has the Norman Rockwell family.  Sometimes you make family with those you care about.  There are so many fractured families out there, no one has to do without the love and support family should give you... but sometimes you have to create it instead of being born into it.

[MariahSnow]

I wasn't going to chime into this thread, because I am lucky enough to have a one of those hug you-welcome home-I missed you .... I was only gone 8 hours to work people.. kinda famiy.  We are a mixed bag of treats to be sure, but we're family.     Let me qualify something here too. ... my family is comprised of divorces and step children and half siblings and a fair share of adopted by choice souls.  What I can tell you is that your kids don't have to do without the grandparent /grand child relationship.  Several of my grand parents are of no legal relation to me.  They simply loved me as their grandchild and I loved them as a grandparent and became part of my family unit.  My children also aquired grandparents in the same manner.  Elders who stepped in to that role over time and my parents were not slighted by this at all.  Not everyone has the Norman Rockwell family.  Sometimes you make family with those you care about.  There are so many fractured families out there, no one has to do without the love and support family should give you... but sometimes you have to create it instead of being born into it.

This. 100% this. My aunt has kind of taken over the role of a mother figure for me, and she's fantastic. It's also a very different relationship because I'm not her daughter. And my cousins (her daughters) have not felt threatened or anything by their mother filling a void for me. In fact, they've welcomed me in and treated me like a sister (good AND bad). It's beautiful and I'm thankful for it.

[Beaucastle]

see your kids will have her to step in and be grandmother.  They will have that connection.  There is no reason to be threatened  they know there is enough love to go around.  Now.. so do you.

[pirateradio]

This is heartbreaking. All of it is. Particularly the part about your son not having connections with your family. That really blows. As mentioned in my previous posts, my mother has issues - mental issues, drug issues, you name it. She's passed some of those issues down to me and as a result, I've pretty much distanced myself from her and the family. My partner is a single child, doesn't know his father very well and his mother is deceased. I overheard some women in the bathroom at work talking about how important the grandparent-grandchild relationship can be and it just made me sad because my (potential future) child will never have that. And that really sucks. It's really unfortunate when the decisions of one generation trickle down into the generations to follow. But the alternative (exposing my child to my drug-addled mother) is not only damaging mentally, but potentially physically because she is very forgetful (i.e. would leave a young child unattended).

It does suck, I would much prefer to have the extended family in our lives, when my son was growing up and had a performance, it would have been great to share it. The grandparent relationship is important, but it isn't necessarily going to hurt the child, whereas toxic grandparents could. My mom's parents died long before I was born, but my dad's parents were in our lives until I reached my late teen years (they both passed away when I was in my teens). It was nice to have, but to be honest there was a lot of toxicity from my father's parents, that put a lot of strain in our lives, because he hadn't seperated properly...so there were a lot of negatives, too.

 

I agree with others, other people can act as 'grandparent' figures, they don't have to be blood, other relatives, older siblings, friends, you name it. All I can tell you is with my son, it seems like he has grown up and turned into a mature, likeable young adult, everyone who has had interactions with him, teachers, his little league coaches, you name it, all remember him and like him, he has a lot of friends and seems destined to be a well adjusted adult (well, okay, he is training to be a musician *lol*).....as hard as it has been, as much as I would like to be with family, I also look at him and realize how much he missed out on that was bad, the stupid dynamics, living in the past and so forth, and I can't sit back and say that the cost was too much, he has not grown up with so much bs..........

[World'sFinest]

My family is awesome, and I'm a little bummed out that there aren't more similar stories here. That being said:

One of the best, most important things for people to learn is the ability to forgive. I say this because many people seem to have the wrong idea of what that means, as though they just carry it with them and never mention it again. Proper forgiveness is just doing your best to let go of the negative emotions associated with a thing. That does not mean forget, and it does not mean don't take corrective measures if needed, but it does mean don't let the negativity of it weigh you down and don't make decisions when you're all screwy. It's hard, but it's worthwhile.

As to the OP specifically: Ultimately you're going to have to decide if the relationship is worth the trouble. They say blood is thicker than water, but that's an incomplete translation of an older quote: "The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb". The people you choose to surround yourself are significantly more indicative of you as a person than the people you are related to, because the people you are related to were basically chosen at random. That being said, if you think he needs help, and you think you can provide it, and you think his attitude is due to the potential problem and not something more deep seated (some just decide to be awful and never change, unfortunately), then absolutely try and see this through. If you think he's being purposely difficult with the intent of excising you from his life, oblige him.

[alienjenn]

I don't talk to 90% of my family... don't send christmas cards... don't send birthday cards... am not friends with them on facebook...

 

I do not need to be part of the backbiting and drama...

 

 

I am happier for it...

 

 

you have two families... the one you are born to and the one yiou choose...

 

 

I spend time with the family I choose

[Jakkals]

Ja well no fine.

 

I started writing but decided life is too short. 

 

Enough to say that I have never ever in my life did something I want to do on my birthday, because they don't want me to do it.

[Teros]

 

you have two families... the one you are born to and the one yiou choose...

 

 

I spend time with the family I choose

I think it boils down to this.  If there's drama and negativity, then distance yourself and stay with the ones you choose.  I wouldn't just cut all ties- moreso just have people on the backburner if possible.

[alienjenn]

I think it boils down to this.  If there's drama and negativity, then distance yourself and stay with the ones you choose.  I wouldn't just cut all ties- moreso just have people on the backburner if possible.

 

 

we have just kinda drifted apart when I stopped making the effort to be in their lives... I got tired of chasing relationships that were never going to be what I needed

[ytterbium]

A couple of things that have helped me (somewhat) with the difficult people in my life:

 

First comes from Salon's advice columnist. I can't find the original post, but the gist of it was that if you have to deal with people who you know are going to be treating you in that utterly destructive way that only family members seem to be capable of -- don't think of them as humans. Think of them as poison gas. In other words, something you need to address, but something you need to prepare for. And you don't need to be angry about it -- it's poison gas, and it can't be something other than poison gas, so there's no need to take its existence personally. But you also need to put on your (metaphorical) gas mask, and whatever other equipment will protect you against its impacts, and determine the amount of exposure that is safe. Thinking this way has been really helpful for me to depersonalize what used to be so intensely personal, which made it a lot easier to deal with.

 

I've got less experience when there are identifiable conditions in the mix that the destructive behavior can be attributed to but which could be productively addressed (i.e., someone who is depressed rather than someone who chooses a family member to be mean to). But with this situation, I've been told to think of yourself like a lifeguard or someone on a plane with a kid when the oxygen masks come down: Keep yourself safe first, because you can't help anyone else if you don't and if you get in trouble then there are two people who need help and no one who can provide it.

 

I wish I had better answers, but I hope this helps a bit. All the best!