a bit off topic

[sonofabiscuit]

i have a 2 year old who will be 3 in may. she has always had problems and was tested and there is nothing wrong with her hearing or development but yet she utterly refuses to talk or process words. but she has the worst temper about it. from 12 months to almost 24 months she used to slam her head off of the floor, doors and walls leaving bruises all over her head while screaming at the top of her lungs. this was an all day, every day thing whenever she wanted anything. there wasnt anything i could do to get her to communicate with me. not sign language, not repeating words, nothing. if i repeated words, id get screamed at and slapped. she knows more, dadda, please, thankyou, eat and drink but doesnt process the definitions of any of the words and will just spit them all out at once, randomly hoping she says the right word for what she wants. we also went through a phase of her ripping out her hair by the fistful and biting herself to bruising because she gets that frustrated but utterly refuses to communicate. shell say a new word once and be done. her preferred method of communication is to scream at the top of her lungs for everything and nothing and slam doors and throw things. ive tried time outs, now she just puts herslf into timeout, screaming and kicking. shes 3 years old and says nothing. her and i are both beyond frustrated and i have no idea how to bridge this. nothing helps and nothing works.

 

well be sitting down eating dinner, lunch or breakfast and almost every time this happens. shell finish her plate and throw herself backwards onto the floor and start screaming this blood curdling scream and go into a frantic frenzy. this is because she wants more. but there is nothing i can do to get her to communicate with me. the more i try the louder and angrier she gets and hits me.

 

i really dont know what to do. noboy knows what to tell me to do. its a phase, shell outgrow it. but this "phase" has been going on her whole life just about. even as a baby she cried non-stop and used to throw herself backwards while i was holding her when she would get upset. if im holding her hand across the street, shell sometimes get mad and bite me and hit me and scream at me and try to run ino oncoming traffic. im at a total loss on what to do and way passed my limits. im a stay at home mom with no friends, no family, no help and no support. just alone all day every day, except when my husband comes home from work but he doesnt want to help me either because hes frustrated.

 

i understand this isnt work out related but im stressed beyond stressed. i cant enjoy life or my relationship with my child when it feels like she is a bomb waiting to go off at every second of the day. im obnoxiously depressed. ideas?? please??

[JPrev]

I know absolutely nothing about parenting tactics.  My girlfriend and I take care of our two cats and that's the extent of it.  BUT, I do know that a couple of my friends didn't start speaking in sentences until they were 5.  Maybe your daughter really is going through a phase, but a particularly miserable one?

 

Even with the behavior, is something like daycare an option?  I'm talking out of my butt, but maybe seeing how other people interact would help her out?

[porchcricket13]

I will preface this by saying I do not have children, nor do I know much about them, but it sounds like she knows what she wants to say and is frustrated because the world doesn't understand her. Have you tried pictures to represent the words she can't communicate?

[Haikoo]

Without seeing the behavior myself, it's difficult to form an idea of what may be causing this. It certainly is possible she's just not ready to speak yet.  Does she enjoy being read to? Does she seem to understand your words? If you give her a single direction "Pick up the ball" "where is daddy?" "Point to the kitty in the book" does she ever respond? Basically I am asking, how is her receptive vocabulary?

 

Has she only been evaluated for hearing and development? Has the idea of any kind of asperger or autism been looked into? I know some doctors hesitate to do those kinds of evals so young, but this behavior does sound out of the ordinary to me. I have a lot of experience with birth to 3 kids.

 

Out of the ordinary does not always mean "major problem" but I would definitely have my eyes open.

 

It seems you often know what she is screaming about or what she wants. Do you make sure you are always calm and model the words for her? "Oh, you seem upset. Did you want more food? You want more food! I will get you more food!"  It seems tedious and strange to speak that way, but the repetition is important and necessary for learning--especially if there is something going on that is making things more difficult for her. You should talk talk talk to her all day long. Maybe you already do, but I am just making suggestions as someone outside of the situation. I would suggest lots and lots of modeling and not focusing on her tantrums. If she truly is upset just because she can't communicate, I would take some time to show her I know what she wants and meet those needs quickly, with the goal being to give her confidence that you do understand her. Once she has less anxiety over that, it might be possible to start insisting she try a little bit more of the communicating. Have you tried any kind of sign language along with the words? Helping her hands form the signs can also be great if she will allow it. Make a big deal when she uses a word or sign correctly! Does she respond to your praise or happiness?

 

The thing that is ringing the most out of the post your wrote is that you need some me time. Make sure to take some quiet time for you when she naps, or after she has gone to bed. Recenter yourself... Try some mediation or yoga. Don't let the day's stress wear you to the point where you cannot be the mother you want to be.  Most of all *HUGS* 

You can get through this, you are taking steps to help make changes and that is just what you should be doing.

[Boomunit]

Don't get too discouraged.  I know it can be frustrating, especially dealing with it on an aroud the clock basis.  Not knowing much about the situation, I can't offer too much benefitial advice other than your husband really should be completely involved no matter the level of frustration or you and your daughter are both going to get really burned out. 

 

Also, as I've noticed with my girls (9mo and 4yo), they pick up on our moods a great deal more than we realize.  If you are both reacting with frustration to her it's just going to build. Just to echo some of what Haikoo said, it's really tough staying completely calm during a fit, but that's the best way to diffuse it and help her build a coping mechanism for her own frustration.  It won't happen overnight. 

 

As for her language development, some kids just come to it slower than others.  According to our peditrician it doesn't really become a major issue until they reach school age.

 

Good luck.  Recharge every chance you get and keep on keeping on.  You are young yet.  In a few years this will all be a distant memory.    

[BarefootDawsy]

My eldest son just turned 5, but at 3 he wouldn't speak at all. It was a real struggle to get him to communicate at all, and extremely stressful.

What helped him was being around kids a touch younger than him. We enrolled him in daycare a couple mornings per week. It just gave him some time to himself, and also the other kids often asked the questions he wanted to but couldn't, which I think helped him too.

We had a second boy when he was 2, and he's a nonstop talker, which now is helping a lot.

I know exactly what you're feeling, and it's brutal, but try to find couple minutes here and there to reset....it will help a lot.

[Thrillho]

When my youngest was about two and a half, she started to speak, but it was a smattering of actual words, scattered throughout honks. She would speak in full sentences, with inflection, mimicking how the adults talked, but EVERY syllable was a honk, though sometimes with a noun or verb at the end of the sentence.

 

Example: "Hohn hohn, hohn hohn hohn hohnhohnhohn hohn banana?" Which, we eventually figured out, meant she wanted a banana.  Likewise the same temper issues, irrationality, refusal to attempt to make communications and super-low frustration tolerance.

 

Through the local neurological society day-classes, which she attended once a week, we eventually discovered that she has a whole series of fairly well-defined peculiarities and a serious assymetrical learning disorder.  After four months at OSNS classes, six hours once a week with a bunch of other kids, she went from being almost non-verbal to speaking in full, polite sentences, and caught up in all of her physical handicaps (she was unable to use scissors, balance on one foot, hold a crayon, etc).  She quickly became the unofficial leader of the kids and helper for the teacher, and was absolutely thrilled to be in a leadership position.  She also discovered a love for yoga. 

 

When they finished testing her around age 4, she was reading books aimed at eight year olds, and actually surpassed her older sister in mathematical ability, BUT she still had the frustration problems, tactile and sensory problems (she would only allow THREE kids of food in her mouth, and would stubbornly starve if she was not presented with them), and occasional bouts of banging-head-into-things, but now we knew what worked with her, and how to help her interact in a proper manner. The assymetrical disorder meant that she was EXTREMELY bright in several areas, in particular verbal and processing, but was handicapped in other areas, namely motor-spatial and social.  She's caught up in motor-spatial (MAN, you should see her play Minecraft) and social, but she will always have the assymetrical development and we are going to have to keep an eye on that as she gets older, since some things will be super-easy for her, and some other things will be super-hard, and sometimes when they're awesome at ONE thing, and not awesome at ANOTHER, that creates the frustration loop that they don't know how to deal with. 

 

Do you have anything like that in your area? Can you talk to a pediatric specialist about non-verbal learning disorder analysis or assymetrical learning disorder analysis? Neurological assessments for children? I really can't overstate how important it was in helping our daughter out, or at the very least helping us understand her. 

[nibblecatfeet]

Anyone would be frustrated and pushed to the limit by this sonofabiscuit. I am really sorry you have had to go through this.

It sounds like you need a behavioral management plan. Where I live, you can contact social services children's division and they can send a expert to assess the situation and provide you with tools to deal with the behavior. She is at the perfect age for this type of intervention. I don't know where you live but I whole heatedly agree Thrillho.

There are resources available, it is just a matter of finding them in your area. I also think once you get the problem diagnosised you need to enter a support group with other parents going through the same thing. Not only will they be able to provide you with practical advise, they will fill you with hope and keep you going.

Best of luck!

[crazyjerseygirl]

Hmmm, I do know several kids who refused to talk till they were 4 or 5, so I'm not terribly worried about that.

 

My kid doesn't throw tantrums often (I know I'm lucky!) but when he does I just remove dangerous stuff, sit on the floor near him and let him go nuts.  I don't talk, I don't even watch (thanks twitter!) I just sit there.

 

Eventually he will toddle up to me with the little sobs, and I ask if he want's a snuggle and I get a wet and snotty snuggle.  Then I ask him what he wants, and let him "tell" me.  Usually he will try a word, or if that fails, take my hand and lead me to what he wants and point.

 

I've also found great help in the book "How Toddlers Thrive" By Dr. Tovah Klien (I'm too lazy to look up her last name, that's close!)

I'm not a parenting book person, but I did some research and found out that she does real scientific observation. 

 

All that said, every kid is different.  Just cause you got a stubborn kid doesn't make you a bad parent or her a bad kid, it just means you need to find a way to communicate and, alas, that is more on you than on her (I'm assuming you are over three!)

 

Best of luck lady, we toddler mums have to stick together.  I know it's an old post but I do hope you read this.

[Edigo]

wow that's a hard one. I have nothing close to that in my experience, but when my son was 2, he was taking car of by my stepmom, and he didn't speak much at that time.

 

We took him to daycare and his language skills skyrocketed. He hang out with kids his age and the daycare provider makes them talk about their day regularly.

 

Also, i remember a phase where he knew what he wanted, knew the word for it, but could'nt pronouce it well, or we wouldn't understand and this was really frustrating for him. If we didn't get it on the spot he went into a frenzy. Than he improved yet again, had more words to use and it got better.

 

All i can say is hang in there, and maybe seek out expert advice. Surely someone knows what could be done, a therapist, behavioral specialist, language specialist...

 

anyway i hope you will find a solution and that it will get better, because that must be real hard to live with.

 

hang in there, you are not alone