No friends & no communication skills

[CrimsonTide2006]

 

Ever since I was a kid, I have tried to make others like me by constantly talking to them or trying to be around them. In high school I constantly talkd talked talked....about useless things, drama, & flirted. 

 

I am somewhat retarted & have no communication skills, so I am very repetitive...since I have nothing to ever talk about.

 

In high school/middle school I focused on trying to get girls to like me as a friend & shunned most of the guys...as weird as it sounds, it's true. ..I am not "what society percieves " a typical guy. I care nothing about guy things such as cars,hunting,camping,never smoked, I never drank & never will, no tattoos..in high school I did not care for sports. The only thing I may have had in common with guys is that I watched wrestling; but was too ashamed to mention wrestling becaused I feared that it would make me look bad(I don't even know if anyone I went to school with even watched it).

 

I care about feelings, family, gardening...

 

In person & facebook(& before when I had myspace) I have created(inadvertently) a reputation of being "emotional" "creepy" "immature" "rude" & inconsiderate of others feelings/personal space,a"flirt" & even stalkerish. 

 

I do have internet addiction. I spend hours sitting at the computer; sitting on facebook while no one ever talks to me, looking at random things, sports...etc. before internet, I was addicted to the tv. 

 

I have been told in the past that I try too hard.

 

I "like" specific peoples statuses,pics...etc a lot. sometimes I think, "ok I need to stop" then I see a post & think well...they may feel bad that I didn't "like" it...as if what they posted did not matter to me. 

 

In high school(which also carried over to online) I favored/liked specific people..I was always creating drama about how no one likes me & whenever I felt offended I was verbally hurt someones feelings :/ 

 

On facebook I randomly post "Hi" "how are you" "what are you doing", a lot(wow, writing that made it feel even creepier to me than I thought it was...smh)

 

no one ever talks to me, I feel so worthless. I have ongoing intrusive thoughts in my head all the time, assumptions about others, how things could be, should be,what I should say/post next...

 

 

My 10 year high school reunion is soon & I want to make a good impression on a room full of people who in high school & facebook( up to now) are disgusted or feel dread when seeing me. The thing is, none of these people ever saw me outside of school functions, so its like "here is the creepy weird guy. 

 

Yet...in senior year I was voted most memorable. People were nice to me but mostly ignored me, some were mean...whenever I pushed them too far, so I brought it upon myself.

 

How can I change & show that I have changed; to both family(who think I am immature,which I am but want to change) & these people I have become soo clingy with. 

[Jangles]

When I was growing up (and still now), I hated girly things.  I didn't have a lot of girl friends, I always related to boys better so don't worry about that aspect of you.  It's completely normal.  Well, define normal.

 

One thing that struck me is about your reunion.  Are these people friends?  If not, why do you care what they think of you?  I'm in the UK and we don't really do school reunions, but I haven't kept in touch with any of them.  I didn't like or know most of them back then and I can't see how it would have changed after a set period of time.

 

Also, you say that no-one talks to you.  Are all your posts on here you talking to yourself?  No?  So people do talk to you.  You just have to find people with similar interests to you.

 

Are you taking part in the challenges?  Maybe as one of your quests you can limit the time you use the internet/tv.  Limit how many likes etc you leave for each person.  I must say that I use Facebook and don't 'Like' things my friends post very often or comment but they still like me.  I'm not responsible for their happiness and their happiness is not going to fail if I don't like or comment on something.

 

Personally, I think you need to have a good clear out of your Facebook 'friends'.  If they're friends with you, they know what you're like and accept you for who you are.  If they don't accept you then they're not really a friend IMO.  If you want to get to know them better, suggest something you can do together.  Like 'Hey, how are you?  I've not seen you around for a while, it'd be great to catch up!  Fancy meeting up for a coffee next week?'

 

Just relax!  Be yourself.  You're a nerd so you're great and if they can't see that, then it's their loss.

 

All this is just my opinion, I've rambled and feel free to take or leave or laugh (not on here at me though) at any part of it.

[CrimsonTide2006]

I actually feel better after sleeping. I feel fine for most of the day everyday but start to feel down & depressed late at night. 

[Jangles]

You're not alone with that one!  Glad you're feeling better!

[Plitog]

I actually feel better after sleeping. I feel fine for most of the day everyday but start to feel down & depressed late at night. 

I often find that when I'm really tired I start to become depressed or, more likely, easily annoyed by the smallest things.  At that point I realize I've been up to long and need to get some sleep.  Are you getting enough sleep most nights?

[CrimsonTide2006]

I have sleep apnea, so I do use the cpap. I have used it for a few nights in a row now. I have been going to sleep at like 10 or 10:30 & getting up at 4:30 to do stretches/workout. Thing is, if I go to sleep any earlier I end up waking up at about 2:30. 

[Phytomancer]

When is your reunion? American reunion is around July, so there is a few months to go. 

 

I recommend you to do these things.

 

0. Stop with Facebook. It's nice to use it to keep contact with friends, but if it makes you feel worthless, ditch it and go meet real people. Facebook offers no real social benefits unless you meet those people in person. Try Meetup instead.

 

1. Help someone out. No matter how small. It increase your self worth. Volunteer. Tutor someone for free. Make sandwiches for homelesses. Cook for your neighbor, etc. 

 

2. Show up where there are people. Talk to them. I like group exercises because people don't have cellphone, and their guards are down after sweating a lot. After a few times, you'll feel confident to have a long conversation

 

3. Get fit. Yeah, flaunt some abs at your friend's face! Make sure they aren't with children,

 

4. Smile. I know it's going to look creepy at first. I assure you once you find how creepy it looks to smile without something funny, you'll start smiling for real. 

 

I was moving around a lot. In my final years of high school, I didn't speak English at all... If your 10 year reunion is coming up, I'm assuming you're my age. Don't worry too much or make it all about you. Think of your friends' life as a mystery game and make clues out of it. People will appreciate that you're excited to hear their stories.

 

Good luck with the apnea and the reunion! 

[erosan]

there's also the fact that you do not see these guys often nor are they part of your life outside of facebook… I'd say you don't have to go to this reunion… especially if its causing you anxiety.

So what if you were annoying when young… weren't we all? people change. its a fact. who you were yesterday does not dictate who you are today… isn't why we are all here on NF? to become better versions of ourselves each day?

[Machete]

Weirdos. Nice. Come on down to our little group: Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People.

[benboyd85]

People in high school are immature and unaware of the real world. I understand that it is not easy to disregard what other people say/think about you, but I think you place WAY too much blame on yourself for other people's behavior. You should go to your reunion with your head held high, and hopefully these people have grown up in the past 10 years. People and situations can only bother you if YOU give them the power to do so. You sound actually really self aware, and I do not think you give yourself enough credit. Be confident, be you, you got this!

[Cutebug]

Hi Cannonfury! I'm an introvert who tends to attract super chatty, socially awkward friends. Maybe because I can be patient and listen for long periods of time. 

 

I have this one friend who will like 90% of the photos I post, and comment on about 40-50% of them. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. She's a darling. I love her. She's definitely one of my besties. But sometimes I really need her to just calm the eff down. She's intense, chatty, outgoing (but also totally super shy), way overly helpful, and she mentions her brain injury every time I see her. Lately, she's been wondering why she can't keep friends. She wonders why people need space from her. She wonders why people back off after initial interest is shown. It's because she's too damn intense. She can meet friends anywhere; at bus stops, in grocery line-ups, while hiking.... she picked me up in University, even though I made ZERO other friends there. But she looses quite a few of them, or sometimes they even turn into enemies or frienemies because she drives them up the wall. 

 

I am the opposite of her. I don't ever make friends. I am shy and a total introvert and scared to talk to people. I mostly make friends by friend-stealing, but only ever if it's the type of person who's ok with making most of the effort, or only seeing me once every few months. Most of my friends are people I went to elementary school or high school with. My bestie and I have been besties for 27 years. I do lose friends, though, because I can be "self-centred" or "selfish." I am an only child so I like to have things my own way, I need a lot of alone time, and it isn't second nature to me to consider others when decision-making. I also don't put in a lot of effort to make plans with people. I wait for people to make plans with me, because I feel like if they don't contact me first, they probably don't wanna hang out. 

 

So, the perfect person, IMO, is someone right smack dab in between me and my super-intense friend. Balance is good. Don't get intense and like every single post by every single person, but don't completely stop talking to someone you'd like to stay friends with just cuz they didn't call you first. 

 

I've found hiking is a good way to get to know people better. Maybe try a hiking meetup, or suggest to some Facebook Friends they join you on a hike. DO NOT talk the whole time. I cannot stress this enough. BALANCE chatting amiably with listening to the birds chirp and the stream gurgle. There is absolutely no necessity to fill silence, especially if you are with an introvert and/or an only child. Comfortable silence is our strength. I once dated this guy for a few weeks who was really sweet and romantic and cute and I liked a lot of things about him, but he would NOT STFU. He didn't let me talk. He'd just ramble on and on and on and on. He was loud too. I am a super quiet person, and enjoy quiet conversation. His normal talking voice was close to a yell, and he never stopped. I knew SO much about him and he knew nothing about me. He also talked about Ju Jitsu non-stop. Like he was showing off. Telling me about how fast he was for his size, and how he took down so-and-so with such-and-such a move. Blah blah blah blah. <rolls eyes> Some people (me) won't join a conversation until there's a natural lull. I like back-and-forth discourse, not listening to a monologue. And then I need a break. Just silence for a bit. Talking and listening get tiring. 

 

As for how much to talk in general.... if it isn't funny, interesting, witty, intelligent, inquisitive, or complimentary, ask yourself first if you really need to say it. What's the point? What are you aiming for with the next thing that comes out of your mouth?

 

Aim for "Hey look there's a woodpecker!" instead of "So this morning I ate eggs and this one egg tasted kinda funny. I dunno why. But I was like hmm I wonder why this tastes funny. Maybe it was bad." Also, when first making friends, aim for positive! Don't talk about negative things like eggs being bad or how you threw up after eating bad eggs one time. Instead, tell a story about how you found a recipe for an omelette that looks amazing. That's pretty much the definition of conversation killer vs conversation starter. 

 

Ok, now I'm the one rambling. I hope that was helpful, and not insulting or annoying in any way. I should have forewarned. I am blunt. That's another reason I loose friends, but it's also something my really close friends who aren't jerks appreciate about me  

 

If you wanna argue or ask questions, feel free to PM me. 

[Dradis]

This will feel weird if you try it but i've found it worked for me.....

 

When you are nervous or uncomfortable i (and it seems you too) have a tendency to chat away like a lunatic who has just taken some form of drug. Luckily i hit upon a group of, who i would consider lifelong, friends who found this "cute" or "hilarious". Around strangers and acquaintances though its not so good.

What i now do is totally the opposite....

 

*Take your time talking, it exudes confidence.

 

* Think about what you are going to say before saying it. Often i would blurt out the first thing that came into my head thinking that if i took a few seconds people would be bored or not interested. Its not true, everyone has something to say that is worth listening to. 

 

* Ask questions (i think someone mentioned this already, i'm sort of skimming the thread). This is such a winner, and so simple. First it take the emphasis off you and allows you to just listen. Listening will give you the chance to relax a little bit. It gives you time to think about the next thing to say. Often what the person is saying will land the next thing in your lap. It will make you seem attentive, caring, genuine.

 

* If someone asks you a question don't babble inanely. There is nothing wrong with not having an answer. You can always say "to be honest, i'm not sure, what would you do?/what do you think?". Bam you just took some pressure off and tapped into all the benefits of the above point.

 

* If it doesn't go well, shrug it off. Everyone messes up a conversation every once in a while. I do it SO often when people catch me unawares. "Hey, how you doing?"....."huh, what? Tuesday? 7.30!" <runs>

 

 

 

At the end of the day you've gotta become comfortable with who you are, what you like etc. But until then you can "fake it" to some extent.

 

 

 

Oh, and yeah, ween yourself off facebook. I used to post on there a lot, mostly at stuff i considered stupid, annoying etc. Then my girlfriend's friend (who i barely knew) told her i was "the most angry facebooker in the world". I just thought "i don't need that crap. That isn't me whatsoever".  I'm still on it, just posting a lot less

Facebook doesn't and cannot portray you correctly.

[Raze]

As for how much to talk in general.... if it isn't funny, interesting, witty, intelligent, inquisitive, or complimentary, ask yourself first if you really need to say it. What's the point? What are you aiming for with the next thing that comes out of your mouth?

 

 

When I was in elementary/middle school between the ages of 8-11 (I dont quite remember) I was the chatty person I would never shut up about anything. One day I was with my uncle and one of his friends just chatting away when his friend turns back and asks if i ever shut up. At the time I responded nope and continued on my way. Fast forward a couple of years and I became the polar opposite I rarely talk to anyone (unless alcohol is involved then i become a near extrovert social butterfly instead of my usual shy introvert/near anti-social person). most of the time I just have nothing to say and if I do I ask my self if it would provide anything to the conversation or what's the point. This line of thinking with an already quiet person has created friction with friends in the past and at times has become an issue with my wife even.

[Cutebug]

When I was in elementary/middle school between the ages of 8-11 (I dont quite remember) I was the chatty person I would never shut up about anything. One day I was with my uncle and one of his friends just chatting away when his friend turns back and asks if i ever shut up. At the time I responded nope and continued on my way. Fast forward a couple of years and I became the polar opposite I rarely talk to anyone (unless alcohol is involved then i become a near extrovert social butterfly instead of my usual shy introvert/near anti-social person). most of the time I just have nothing to say and if I do I ask my self if it would provide anything to the conversation or what's the point. This line of thinking with an already quiet person has created friction with friends in the past and at times has become an issue with my wife even.

I can definitely see how it could create issues for people who are super shy/introverted, and I can see how it could create issues with certain types of people. In my other paragraph I mentioned balance. Balance is of course important here too. Balance is important in everything. No one should have to carry a conversation by his or her self, or listen to someone else without being able to get a word in. Best rule to follow is that conversation should be two-sided. 

[Leego]

Me personally, I am thinking of deleting my Facebook account. Most people on there I don't even remember, and they don't even look at my profile page. Also, I've never been interested in doing much with it, and I have no idea what crap I may have laying on there that might shine a good or bad light on me, or if a lack of things on there says something bad about me or not.

 

I only have a Facebook page so I can keep up with what my family is talking about (and I can always call or text them or have them tell me what they saw on Facebook), what this one person I met is talking about (but it's super impersonal and I don't care to hear about her personal life if I'm not a part of it), and so I can continue to log onto Kongregate easily, and I can live without that.

[deadliftnerd]

"How can I change & show that I have changed; to both family(who think I am immature,which I am but want to change) & these people I have become soo clingy with. "

 

I was writing some notes into a blog post about NLP, and I wanted to see if the topic I was blogging about could help someone.  I searched "anti social" and found this thread.  It stood out to me.  I feel the same way much of the time, so I do the opposite of what you do, I'm not chatty, I close myself and am quiet.

 

For someone that describes their behavior as "talking about useless drama," hardly seems to be someone that has no communication skills.  Making others like you is a normal things that everyone does in different ways.

 

You have unusual interests, and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

YOU GOT VOTED MOST MEMORABLE.

 

I was nothing but a speck of dust in my high school.  You stand out in a good way to most people you've interacted with it sounds like.

 

The Best Advice I can give you.

 

I've struggled a lot with feeling worthless and having crappy social skills.  I torment myself to a point of sometimes suicidal thoughts.  I have an internet addiction too, I need Facebook. If it wasn't for Facebook and the internet I would never socialize.  I'm very uncomfortable around people in most new situations. I could never stand to go to a 10 year reunion like you're doing.  So you definitely have that going for you at least.  Appreciate that in yourself.

 

Be yourself.  It's been 17 years since I graduated high school and I've just learned to comfortable with myself in the past 24 months.  Be grounded with who you are.  I know this is easier said than done, but there is nothing that speaks more volume than self assurance and self confidence.  I've been trying to figure out the "self confidence thing" for years and it wasn't I learned to be happy with who I am that I learned it.

 

The feeling is somewhere in-between "I don't give a fuck" and "I really care what others think of me."

 

The problem you and I face is being stuck in our heads. It's easy to say, you're thinking too much, but I won't leave you there.  

 

When you think too much

 

When you think too much you don't allow yourself to feel the rest of your body.  Thinking or trying to hard (as you describe) is the root cause for being tense and tight.  The people with the best communication skills and sports performance skills, is the ability to stay loose and relaxed, but still intent in what their doing.  There's a balance between thinking and doing and I suspect you are spending more time doing the thinking.

 

I'm of the opinion that you can't really show how you've changed unless you've really changed - and if you want to change and show others this, you have to be comfortable with who you are and what you're about.  To a certain extent, you need to a little more time "not giving a fuck," in the way that makes sense for you.

 

People have probably told you that you're being too hard on yourself and I would agree with them because you have some tenancies and skills I wish I had.

 

To be specific, it's what you said on the first line: "In high school I constantly talkd talked talked....about useless things, drama, & flirted. "

 

To flirt and talk about drama is something I wish i could do at times, I can't do that.

 

Good luck , feel free to pm me.