Rhovaniel

Oh my goodness, that was a saga and a half to read through! I am so so sorry you had to deal with the Houseguest Hellian for so long. That is completely and utterly unfair. May the rest of your time with Dave be peaceful and restorative for you both. Hugs and my hat is off to you my friend. You handled that like a champion. I'd have snapped, probably at HH and partner, but neither would have been right. You are an inspiration for how effective communication and empathy should work in a relationship.

I am really liking it so far! Rowan and Ophelia are probably my favourites at the moment, but honestly I love all their characters, how well developed the world is... it's one of those times where part of me is sad it took me so long to find them, but also that I am happy my introduction to High Rollers was right at the start of a new campaign (aside from watching Mark DM a live one-shot, which is how come I googled high rollers in the first place) when its so developed and well thought out. It's super inspiring on all fronts, but especially the world building. Waiting for High Rollers livestream to start and realised I hadn't updated in so long there's a new challenge! OOPS. I've been plugging away at uni stuff, getting the house in order, and trying to run. I say trying because today was the second in a row I have aborted because of painful calves. I could push through, but I am already rehabbing Palantir fasciitis and see no need to add shin splints to the mix. But it was a moment where I wanted to get upset and frustrated and instead decided - okay, let's go all in on FIX THIS AND MAKE MYSELF THE DUNEDAIN I WANT TO BE. That, together with some critical thinking of my diet... big changes need to happen, and I need time to do them all. Time is what I am short on, but I need a 'hard reset' and it needs to happen. So, I've subscribed to a meal prep service for at least a month, stocked up on some Huel for Literally No Prep 'meals' and I am currently trying to work on a daily mobility/stretching routine cobbling together the physio exercises, stretches and an assortment from YouTube. I'll post more fully on my next thread, but given my Masters is all but finished, I now have a brief window of time where my health, and becoming physically stronger and less fragile can take priority. WHICH MEANS MY NEXT CHALLENGE IS GOING TO BE ARAGORN THEMED AND I AM SUPER EXCITED!!!

It's not goodbye, it's good luck on your next chapter of life, Tank. Thank you for being such a cornerstone of the forums for so long.

Thank you. It makes all the difference. I turned in my edits yesterday morning, which was a relief. Do I think they're perfect? nope, I really, really don't. But hopefully they will suffice and I can focus on all the things I let drop whilst working on them. I had a weird moment of clarity that I'm holding on to: it is OKAY that I am like this. It is OKAY that the house gets incredibly messy, that the laundry pile becomes a mountain, that I don't have the bandwidth to read non-study related things and honestly? It is if not okay, then at least not a failing in me that my eating habits have also gone to literal junk food hell. I am not someone who can juggle many things at once. I snack-task and procrastinate to the point it drives me insane, but mentally, I cannot shapeshift the way others can. A thing like this consumes me and then it is done and I go round picking up the pieces after, until the next thing. Accepting this feels huge. Like, I don't have to feel so much shame and frustration that I haven't put away the laundry, that I'm running the dishwasher when there's not a single clean plate in the house and my study looks like a library got looted (I have a habit of needing my reference books, notebooks and snacks within reach, but this inevitably means I create a sort of chaos circle on the study floor of piles of books, odd sheets of paper, and - yes I'm ashamed of this one - coke cans and the like. The food detritus does usually get plucked out of the chaos at regular intervals though. With the edits done and my newfound clarity here, I decided to go against my usual plan for cleaning - make huge lists of big and small tasks, maybe even a schedule, get distracted, fall behind, or lose interest. Get half done, stress the whole time, watch TV to procrastinate. Somehow I convince myself the lists help. This time, I figured I know what I want to do: get the house in order, and it does not matter how long that takes or what order it gets done in. I am like a highly distractable puppy sometimes and so I went in - no lists. I know what I need to do, and I'll see it soon enough if I forget. IT WORKED. My third load of laundry should be finishing soon, the dishwasher got run twice, the bathroom got scrubbed, I finally had time to sit down and read @MaeradCase's excellent novel draft and got caught up on the last episode of HighRollers I was missing (I have been behind for weeks but I've managed to catch up by listening to the podcasts, though I prefer watching it) in between these things. Took the bins and recycling out. Took an hour's walk. It has been a really good and productive day, I haven't stressed about anything and that feels like such a win. I suspect my good mood is also in part because my ribs/side feel much better. Still painful in certain situations, but less so. I can breathe in deeper again and it only causes mild pain - progress!

That is rough waters indeed and I am sorry for the emotional burden it places on you Sov. But I see you sticking to your boundaries and I am so happy for you for that! I hope you get to hear from Dave soon. Oh, a penguin joke before I leave. They tend to just re-use the same jokes over and over, and this was one of my favourites as a kid: What do Penguins wear to the beach?

Thanks. Sometimes just remembering that I am not alone, and reminding myself of where I used to be, mentally and physically, truly helps. And sometimes a healthy dose of reality collides with stupid to give clarity. I appreciate that, thank you. Really. You are not off base at all. I do second guess injury and illness all the time. Actually, not just injury. I second guess ALOT of things, and it is something I am trying to work on. Hell it took FOUR published historians (3 of whom are doctors, one is a professor) telling me my work is publishable before I could actually start to believe that I might actually make it as a historian. I genuinely feared that my supervisors were saying 'your work meets criteria', when they are actually saying I express myself well and my arguments are solid and cohesive. Makes sense that injury is also something I have a hard time with. Striving for growth is an excellent way of putting it. I don't want to stand on top of a podium. A mountain will do. And the fitter and stronger and healthier you are, the more fun these things become. My ribs have been feeling better. Lying down and turning over still hurts like heck, but daily functions I can mostly handle. Sneezes are evil and I have to hold my side to laugh. Oh, and I almost dropped a box full of glass ampules at work because it was heavier than expected and that pain was brief but bloody intense. I have no idea what's happening with my body, but I am so, so done with it already. On the plus side, I managed to put the box down safely and got my boss to pick it up instead. On the down side, it really didn't matter since it had clearly not been handled well in transit and about a third of amps were already shattered, making a lovely soggy mess out of their cardboard containers. Thankfully, they only had salt water in them and the anesthetic drugs (ie the vastly more expensive ones) were fine. I refused a trolley to take them (NOT being stubborn, but pulling the trolley would have meant pain, so I just got an impromptu workout carrying the unaffected stock up to the anesthetic rooms). Honestly, thank you so much everyone being here on my thread and checking in. I cannot tell you how much it has helped me to work through this.

This - actually hit me pretty hard. Because I thought I knew what my trauma issues were and I have systems in place for how I handle them. It's something to consider, I know. But I can't shake the instant feeling of anger and sadness that something else in my life has to be managed because of what happened and how I respond. I know it's not my fault. But some days its a heavier burden to carry than others. Thanks Sov. It really means the world to me that you guys are here. This is true - I'd never advise a friend to train through possible injury, and I'd never think her weak or defective or anything else I can't help but feel for myself. I just can't seem to treat myself as that friend. I really do have alot of mental unpacking to do, though. But thank you. Your words mean so much. oof, yeah no thank you. Don't need a medical lecturing! That's really awful, I'm sorry. I had the opposite: dragged to the hospital every year for a barrage of cardiac tests, medical students hanging round when I was really young because at the time the surgery I had was something new or something? Then any tiny illness, dragged right back to the doctors. I don't have an aversion to hospitals and doctors thankfully (weird choice of career if I did) but I do tend to feel awkward and embarrassed, like I need to justify being there. Even when I got there via ambulance. Hey Maerad. I appreciate that, thank you. I know.... logically I know this. But the voices in my head screaming at me to stop being weak and stupid and useless and start getting strong again are just... so damn loud. That - that is very valid. CrossFit is so far removed to what it was when I first got into it. Scaled isn't even really scaled anymore either. Even in the box I sometimes need to scale the scale myself. And this in my box that is incredibly supportive and where I do feel like I can scale and not feel... judged. Honestly, thank you everyone. I also had a long talk with a friend after running D&D last night and I think it really helped. I am still injured, but I did speak with a doctor at work today who also hits the gym and he said I should be okay to go back so long as I don't do any compound movements or anything overhead. This is CrossFit, so that's going to be a challenge! But it has given me the confidence that I can at least get back into the routine of going, focus on some lower body strength for a bit. I need the gym I think, mentally more than anything. It keeps me from spiraling too hard. My edits deadline is tomorrow and I am still tinkering with it. Enough procrastination!

Sometimes kitty snuggles just have to take priority! Hope it goes well! Have fun with it!

I love it when productive days like this happen! So happy you got a little extra bonus money in one account too HELL YEAH!

Stronger AND wiser. I've always admired how logical your approaches to weight and working out are whilst still being practical and accounting for real life and being in tune with what works and doesn't work for you. I have every confidence your body will thank you for the reset.

So I was gonna enquire at the Folly, but then figured the way my own sleep pattern has been lately I might end up with a lecture I really didn't want so.... we'll just go with 'probable disapproval' yup. It was a 'fun' one. So... it has been apparently longer than a week. My bad. Guys - the title of my challenge is laughing at me right now. Bold new year? Bugged new year. I feel like I'm beta testing new software that really should not be released yet. The illness issues resolved. My follow up with the doc revealed no allergies except grass pollen (tbh, I have hayfever but rarely get symptoms in winter), though its possible - likely - if I tested again in summer I'd hit a number of other pollens on the allergy bingo. But nothing that can explain the wheezing etc indoors - whenever I do exercise. It's frustrating to know it's exercise-induced asthma . Because I can't fix that. I can't heal it. I got given a different inhaler that is at least not giving me side effects but I also have this 'thing' about taking it. A deep seated reluctance I guess. I don't get the symptoms all the time, my brain is rebelling at taking an inhaler daily. Partly because I know that long-term steroid inhaler use can itself trigger asthma, partly because there is a bigger 'anti-anything wrong with me' gremlin in my brain that I didn't realise was an issue till I spent most of this month dealing with some kind of health issue. Feel free to skip. I just need to get this out of my head now I've started. I swear this was going to be a short and sweet update... It makes me feel defective and weirdly emotional. I was holding back tears on the drive home, I am getting teary writing this. I don't know why. I was resisting going to the doctor for this in the first place until the paramedic who goes to my gym got on my case about it and then I actually heard myself wheezing when the music cut out once. I think I was scared it was all in my head. Like I'm a hypochondriac who imagines these things that she simultaneously hates and gets angry and frustrated by being sick or worse, injured? Because about a week and a half ago I pulled a muscle in my side/upper chest and I am simultaneously embarrassed to be injured again and mad at myself for it happening and then torn between wondering if I am over-reacting and should ignore it and go to the gym and disguise any accidental winces or pain because clearly it's not an actual injury and I am just making excuses and trying to give myself grace and rationalize that I am in pain and therefore it must be real because the pain is real. But then I'm only in pain if I take a deep breath or move funny or lie down. Like, I am scared to sneeze because it's so freaking painful and takes a few minutes to return to normal. I took ibuprofen to sleep last night because it is worse when I lie down and rolling onto my side requires bracing and holding my breath, but it's not constant so my brain is scared I am making a big deal out of it and should just go back to CrossFit even though we're currently focusing on handstands and pull ups right now. My current compromise is that I haven't been to the gym in a week but I am running because I'm still doing couch to 5km and only light jogs for a couple minutes at a time so it doesn't make me breathe too hard and the pain is like a background 2 out of 10. But I don't want to go back to CrossFit until it's better because I am weirdly so embarrassed to be like 'hey, I have this weird injury and I know it's stupid but I'm scared to make it worse even though it's just a pulled muscle and I need to suck it up and get over it'. So... that's taking up a chunk of my mental headspace. I don't know how to handle it. Because logically I know I am in pain and that is real and should be treated like an injury. But there is part of me that is so frustrated and angry and scared that it makes me weak and defective and not ever... enough. Never a 'real' runner, never a 'real' athlete. Not ever that strong even if she goes to the gym because she's too weak and wheezes like a smoker even though she's probably just unfit. My Dad calls me the strong one in the family because I go to the gym and the last time he said it - I forget what the conversation was about - I just felt like a fraud. So, that has been me. Dealing with a weird emotion bomb storm amid all this stuff, getting stressed over my edits which again, are minor but means I have to be incredibly concise in what I am writing and then dealing with so many departmental changes in one job role and an in person exam/assessment for my pharmacy course that even when I thought about updating on here I just couldn't face it. Which is stupid because you are my friends and just typing it out and getting it off my chest seems to have made that burden a little bit lighter. I haven't voiced the fears above before ever, but I am starting to realise they aren't new. They're just louder now.

I approve! I've been off forums for a couple days - weeks - I'm not actually sure. But I remembered we're near the end of the challenge and I refuse to miss your leave-taking, good sir. It has been an honour and a privilege. You have made such a difference, and truly helped me through the growth times in my life. We may not have met in person, but I am proud to call you friend. May your burdens be light and the road ahead be blessed, Tank.

I promise. come February 2nd (when my corrections deadline is), I'll be all over that second draft!

Not that silly. I and the others vastly appreciated not being out in the cold!

Like some of you, it's been a while! That is rough, I'm sorry. I also got the dreaded 'you've paid too little tax' letter, though I swear my tax contributions are high as it is. The paperwork they give you that shows how they supposedly calculated it doesn't actually help in my opinion. Yay for 0 balance on the credit cards! Investing in movers sounds like 100% a wise call. Yikes that's a lot - glad the mortgage is coming down a little though. Fingers crossed with the doggo vaccinations. My cats had theirs a few weeks ago and OF COURSE one of them needed antibiotics for something. He ought really to have eye drops too (one eye gets a bit weepy and looks a bit red at the edges at times) but the little bugger point blank refuses them. When he had his first 'acute' course of them, we lost the battle so much that the OH was taking him to the vet every single morning for a week to have the vet put them in. He is, incidentally, a golden child at the vets. 🙄 I still haven't sorted out my budget. I know, I know! All I have so far is a list of all my accounts and roughly how much is in each of them. Honestly, the picture is a little more encouraging that I feared - now it is a case of being sensible and doing the best I can with my savings, and the small matter of dealing with the day to day expenditure. February brings with it car tax, paying for a holiday in Scotland in the summer and sorting out the cheapest way to get from Scotland down to Bristol for a friend's wedding the day after... I really, realy need to budget to make sure I'm not unintentionally dipping into the buffer or worse, using my savings.