Thank you for this, Heidi. It's so reassuring to have someone say that out loud to me. There's a decent amount of pressure to reconnect and I just feel like that isn't right for me right now.
Hi Fearless! Have a cute dog pic and thanks for your support!
Thank you, Lost Valkyrie. So much wisdom in your words. Did you get some steps in?
Hi Conquius! I want to come for dinner! I don't have a ton of experience with vegan cooking, although I've done some. Tex Mex anything has my attention and noodles are awesome.
I'm glad you enjoyed hearing about the insights from the book because there's more of that today...
I finished the book yesterday. The latter half of it wasn't as useful for me as it might have been. There was one technique that did seem interesting though, and that was interrogation of automatic thoughts to reach silent assumptions you may not be aware you have. It's basically saying "Yes, and?" to your automatic thoughts until you get to the bottom of them. I can illustrate with an example from a previous entry:
Automatic thought: If I lose weight people will think I'm selfish.
Why is that upsetting? What does that mean to me?
It's upsetting because I like to be well regarded and it means people may not like or respect me.
Suppose that were true, what would that mean for me?
People might not trust me.
If I were not trusted what would that mean to me?
I would be rejected/unlovable, and not worthwhile as a person.
So that was interesting. It revealed some of my core vulnerabilities in a different way. I don't think I learned anything specifically new from it, but it's another tool in the kit.
Another tool in the kit was the Dysfunctional Attitude Scale, a list of 35 questions designed to rate your psychological vulnerability or strength in the areas of approval, love, achievement, perfectionism, entitlement, omnipotence, and autonomy. You rate each of the 35 questions on a scale of 1 to 5 and then there's a scoring metric afterwards. Negative numbers mean that you have vulnerability, positive numbers mean that you have strength. I didn't score highly in most areas, which is interesting because I don't feel particularly vulnerable in the areas I scored worst in. In the end I found it useful to write out the questions for the ones I scored worst on and respond to them individually. The two that I really struggled with were 1) "I must be a useful, productive, creative person or life has no purpose"; and 2) "To be a good, worthwhile, moral person, I must try to help everyone who needs it." Yup. Both of those have edges that need sanding off.
In terms of goals I got my steps yesterday and today, and I think this cold is finally on its way out. I ate breakfast, lunch, and supper yesterday and today. Three meals in a day is a gold star day for me, it's usually one or two and snacks. I snack less (not at all the past few days) if I'm eating actual meals. I even cooked tonight by myself and had a good time with it. Put some music on and rocked out. I thought I'd have extra for tomorrow but Dave is unexpectedly home tonight and has commandeered the leftovers. Which is fine! He's been eating IMPs for the past ten days, I'm sure real food is a treat. A little less than a week to go and the ex is done and he can be home on regular schedule again. I've been reading, writing, and keeping up with the NF app assignments. So that's good.
I need a new book to engage with now. I have a few on my list. Will see what's available through the library and Kindle and get going again!
As a sidenote, I *really* had to work hard to not weigh myself yesterday. I succeeded, but it was a close thing. And so strange! Be here now, Shea. That's the job.