Harriet

Yes reflecting should help break the trap open just a little to give us some space. I hope.

Oh, I may have watched other things as well, as a result of getting interested in dopamine generally. I think Huberman's advice was more like don't layer rewarding stuff (music, caffeine) in order to do hard stuff like the gym, or at least not every time.

Sweet! Heaphones and sneakers! Now you're all geared up to run. I think new shoes is a good idea. They seem to get compacted after a few years of use.

Very true. The effort to reward ratio of screens is irresistibly high not because the reward is high (it's usually very low) but because the effort is near zero. But time passes and we realise we would have been better off spending more effort for a better reward. Only now we're accustomed to ease... I fear we might have to gnaw off our legs to get out of this trap.

All right, so the year of battle is now about making the tiniest progress and keeping promises to myself. And the promise is a tiny walk first thing each morning--after feeding the cats but before my first cup of tea. I'm going to use stickers like I've seen others doing so this doesn't just become a rambling journal entry where I forget my goals. Walk: I did an errand that has been waiting for a while--walked to the doctor to pick up the prescription and referral they said they'd send by post weeks ago. Tiring. Should have taken the train. I also made an appointment with a radiologist for the MRI--nothing exciting, just ruling stuff out. Read a tiny bit of a (non-diet/health) book by Michael Sandel---the Tyranny of Merit. Going to a restaurant tonight with Mr Harriet, who needs cheering up as his vertigo disappeared for a few days but came back. Mr Harriet chose the restaurant, and he checked that it has meat for me.

Thanks, Fearless I'll keep working on it and try to be patient. I hope so. I no longer sure I know the difference between wisdom and folly. Improvement over time is what I keep aiming for and not hitting, alas. The energy has been so up and down, so random. And I was hit by crazy tiredness before the event, not just after. And I don't know why. Thanks, I hope so. Oh, the last sweater. Well the sleeves turned out really long and tight despite my swatching for it. Hmmm. The yarn is also a smidgen itchy despite being from a higher end brand. Too many guard hairs. I should either finish it up and see if I can block it out better, or rip it. In the meantime I knit an extremely vibrant (silk!) magenta cowl in plain brioche. Most of my other clothing is grey or black, so it looks fantastic. I do a lot of napping, resting, tea, and nothing. It's fine for a few days but I want my life to add up to more than just rest, you know? And it feels pointless when it's not obvious that the rest leads to better energy later.

Oh, good, are we going to cure ourselves of the don wannas? (Don Juanas? Gondwannas? Goannas? Monitor lizards generally?) Last time I watched one of his videos on dopamine I quit the internet for a whole day! I'm still me, unfortunately. But seriously, are you going to implement anything? Since it's a lot of info, what first?

Yay, I'm glad you're back after all! Happy running.

Soooo I agreed with my cousin that I could come a bit later to the party (downgraded from wedding due to bureaucratic delays). But I was so horribly tired--groggy, dizzy--that I was stressed anyway. My cousin rang up and asked if we could pick up some food platters from a nearby restaurant. I had a minor breakdown and cried about feeling overwhelmed by stuff that normal people manage normally, and the prospect of having to dig for energy I don't have to put on a social attitude, and also about feeling stupid and uncomfortable in my clothing (Hi Sal! ) and changed a couple of times until I found something I felt bearable in. I was completely unable to mentally calculate the public transport connections to get out to the place (it's not in Berlin) and left it to Mr Harriet. We missed a regional train which only comes once an hour, after running up some stairs for it. I felt so awful during and after the running, and we still had to reroute. We got there very late, it was kinda dark and the food was cold, everyone else had been there for ages already. But I pretended to be human for several hours and had pleasant conversations and, most importantly, alcohol. I kept to three reasonable sized drinks, which is one more than I intended but probably one or two less than I might have had if I hadn't thought about it. Couldn't sleep after the party. Was totally wired with muscle pain/fatigue that didn't go away when I lay down. Was uncomfortable and unable to sleep. Was absolutely wrecked the day after the party, and not too good on Sunday, either. Today I went on three short walks but had major mental fogginess during the day and had to sleep. I just have no idea at this stage what triggers tiredness or energy. I'm sick of continually changing tack and breaking the commitments I make for myself. Apart from half a cup of tea to try to combat the pre-party fogginess I've had no caffeine. I'm cutting back on honey but still having a bit. I'm drifting back to keto because even if it hasn't cured my fatigue, adding carbs back in doesn't make me feel better. It makes me feel hungrier, more bloated, and if nothing else I like high protein/high fat foods. Very tempted to try full carnivore because at least one person on the internet was cured thereby. But I don't need any additional stress/experiments before I get back to some kind of baseline so not yet. Just doing low-plant keto which is where I ended up last time I was doing okay. I look back with despair at the two whole years when I did lifting three times per week no matter what. That's pretty much the longest and most consistently I have ever stuck to anything in my adult life without the external coercion of a uni programme or job. Not sure what to do. Best guess is: radically accept the fatigue (stop reading/searching for treatments and admit that keto might not help and still defend my right to eat that way anyway because I prefer it), and do the tiniest possible thing, like walking daily, until it's habitual, even if it takes months. Then add the next tiniest thing. This would be very slow but it's the only thing I can think of to address the fact that I keep adding and dropping good "habits" without ever getting the benefit of them being automatic.

I liked seeing the friends, but did not enjoy the food. Oh well. Mr Harriet realised belatedly that it was not a good choice for me, said I should have said something, and said he'll make sure we pick something more suitable next time. He seems to be slowly coming to terms with my carnivory. There has been some melting, but not enough to compromise the integrity of my structures Hey Sal, I'm okay. I'll update below. Thanks for checking Hello Possum

Oh, the office sounds like a major downgrade. I guess it will never be as good as working from home but I hope you get accustomed to it somewhat.

Noice! 70kg is nice and heavy Also, strawberries and bacon sound like a great combination. Why has no one ever explained fruit plus bacon to me before, or offered it? Incomprehensible.

I first read "8 weeks" then realised it was "8 days eeeek" and now I'm relieved for you because eight weeks is a long time. I hate having anyone in the house and cannot relax when people are here. It'll be fine, though. One gets through social things one way or another.

Excellent work, Slightly-larger-than-little-Bit. I hope she grows up with a joyful, intuitive approach to food. It sounds like you're giving her space for that.

Sorry to hear that I eat three meals of at least 500 each without much trouble, and 500 worth of snacks and cream in my tea. At least. If the appetite is there, it just sort of happens. But it is very difficult to disobey the appetite, whether it compels us above or below our intended calories. Hmmm. But I recently found out that pork belly is amongst the most edibly dense calories known to womankind. 250g is about 1300 calories! And it was so crispy. But I imagine a lot of the calories were in the bottom of the pan, and no way is anyone drinking those.