Sky Nobleheart's Ranger Field Journal

[Elastigirl]

Nice update!  Style experts always seem to say you should pick "your' style" and dress that way. But I tend to vary wildly on what clothes depending on what my mood is.  ?

[Rhovaniel]

12 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I'll come and visit your thread soon! I miss you!  ❤️ 

I don't have a thread just yet - I'm waiting for the next challenge to launch. But I'll keep dropping in. 

 

11 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

Eamon and I are currently down with a bug that, based on circumstantial evidence, is most likely The Virus That Shall Not Be Named - which sucks because we already had that a year ago. 

Ugh, I'm sorry. I literally have just recovered from said Voldemort Virus - I had test kits at home, so its definitely that - it did indeed suck. Glad you guys aren't too bad with it, but really hoping you recover quickly. 

 

11 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I've been rather amusedly observing myself over the last few weeks as I dabble around in different identity-exploration exercises ... I've especially noticed myself swinging wildly between different styles of outfits (which are often connected to various past eras of my life, like hunting up outfits I wore as a teenager, dressing like social media influencers whom I look up to, rebelling and dressing like I did in college, etc.

I love this sense of exploration. Have fun with it!

 

 

 

 

[SkyGirl]

 

Henlo frens! It's been a busy couple of weeks and things are good - Eamon and I are fully recovered from the Voldemort Virus (thanks for that moniker, @Rhovaniel!) and both of us went back to work normally this week. Yesterday I drove myself to a town half an hour away (on the highway!) to get a tetanus shot because I stepped on a carpet tack last night, so I turned that into an afternoon of errands and shopping, which was tiring but fun.    I mean, you know, except for the shot part. That sucked.  ? 

 

Speaking of things sucking, being told that my weight is right on the edge of overweight ... also kinda sucked, not gonna lie. I spent most of 2020 and 2021 underweight, so even though I'm much healthier now than I was then in most ways, it's a little bit of identity whiplash. And ... in our weird culture, there's a little bit of unhealthy pride in being underweight, and a little bit of unhealthy shame in being overweight. It shouldn't be that way, but - that makes money for the fitness/workout/clothing industrial complex and that's what culture celebrates. So it's a little bit of a head adjustment to remind myself that there's no inherent shame or wrongness in weighing what I weigh, and that if I do want to work out, lose some weight, etc., I want it to come from a place of love and grace rather than shame and guilt.  ❤️  (I say as I down a massive bowl of ice cream with chocolate syrup and sprinkles.)

 

My anxiety has been much worse since I had the Voldemort Virus, which is kind of interesting ... ever since getting sick I've had intensely strange dreams/nightmares, and my anxiety-emetophobia feedback loop has been much stronger than usual, meaning I've spent alarmingly large portions of most days stuck in loops of obsessing over every twinge of my GI tract and fearfully trying to plan for increasingly unlikely scenarios in which I am somehow sick and incapacitated.    Obviously that takes up a lot of mental energy, so I'm sure that's contributing to the nightmares. I plan to talk to my therapist about it on Friday, but it's also been at the point where even just thinking about going through exposure therapy or EMDR to try to lessen the phobia, has made me start to panic.  ?  Part of me really does want to be free from this phobia - I had about a decade of my life where it didn't affect my life very much and I rarely thought about it, but over the past couple of years it's escalated back to the point where it significantly affects my life. But - also, like any phobia or anxiety trigger, holding onto it is what artificially, falsely helps me feel safe. The thought of letting go of those avoidant behaviors makes me feel the same as when I let go of the wall in a pool (I can't swim) - what will I hold onto if I start to drown? Of course, the answer in both cases is, "learn to swim" - either in the fear, or in the water.    I have a lot of shame about my fear, and I've been trying to take baby steps to dismantle that fear by talking a little more openly about it. And I'm not giving up hope that one day I'll be phobia-free. I deeply dread the path that will take me there - but I know I won't travel it alone.  ❤️ 

 

The next few weeks will be super busy for Eamon and me - we're traveling to see my family member who has cancer, as well as helping some of his local family members move; and in a few weeks will be our first wedding anniversary, which we're also celebrating with a short trip.    It will all be good things, and we're excited to get to help and love on our families a little bit while they go through tough times. But it'll also be really tiring and I'll need to be assertive about recharge time and self-care. Travel often exacerbates my anxiety as well, so since it's already pretty high, I'll need to give myself a lot of gentleness and grace.  ❤️ 

 

My fashion styling experimentation continues, but most of my energy has focused on learning the "curly girl method" to help my hair be wavy instead of fluffy and frizzy.    I've finally found a combination of products that seems to be working, which is good because I'm tired of spending money on hair care products.    All my life I've had straight, thin hair and been so envious of people with curls, and it's yet another identity shift to look in the mirror and see myself with curls and waves. My therapist was surprised the other day when I said I felt like I was going through a major life transition, but I do feel that way - my hair is changing, I've been married for a year, we're trying to start planning for our big adult decisions like buying a home and having children - even if my life circumstances are stable, internally things are shifting a lot.  ❤️  It's - scary and exciting!!

 

Time to go finish demolishing that ice cream.    I'll be around as much as I can over the next few weeks!

[SkyGirl]

 

Hello! It's a stormy evening here and feels really cozy after a lot of scorchingly hot days.    Ironically, after the last session, I was reading scholarly literature about emetophobia, learning about what might have caused my phobia to develop when I was a kid, learning about how it's usually strongly connected to OCD (which I have a family history of) and fears of losing control (which are basically the foundation of most of my anxieties), feeling slightly bolder about tackling therapy for it - and then the next day, Eamon and I came down with a stomach virus.    We were in enclosed spaces at church for many hours on Sunday and a bunch of other people got sick too, so someone must have come while sick; which is ... frustrating. Acknowledging that I have been the one who goes places while sick myself, I also wish people wouldn't do that, and I try not to do it myself now.    Anyway, we're slowly recovering, which is good because we have guests visiting this weekend, and I don't want to get them sick either!

 

I had my first appointment with a different nutritionist this week (referred by my gastroenterologist), and it was good! She gave me a brief lesson in basic healthy meal composition (1/2 veggies, 1/4 protein, 1/4 carbs) and lists of examples of different foods that fall in each criteria, so I could start assembling some meal and snack plans. She also gave me serving sizes to follow and exercise targets, to help me lose a little weight without being hungry. Best of all, her suggestions were IBS-friendly, and she recommended I start with a simple, low-fiber diet plan to see if that helps my gut heal a little.  ❤️  So, that was a few days ago and I haven't gotten started yet, because I've been keeping my stomach full of light carbs to help with nausea - but I'm really excited about it, and might start a slightly late challenge to help me stay accountable and not make excuses.  ? 

 

My curly hair routine is going really well too - I've had a couple consistent days of good hair days going how I want, which is always encouraging.    I've had an unexpected ally and mentor in the process too - Eamon has very curly hair and had to learn how to manage it when he was a teenager, and he's surprised and delighted me with tips, recommendations, and above all, lots of sympathy for trying products and processes and finding they don't work.    I know sometimes spouses have to tolerate and support hobbies or efforts they don't really understand, but it's lovey to have Eamon's understanding and encouragement while I try something new!

 

Getting late, so I'd better head for bed (if I want to read another chapter of Mistborn before going to sleep  )! Busy few days coming but I'll try to be around and hopefully start a challenge thread!

[Elastigirl]

Enjoy your book. That sounds like a really good visit with the nutritionist.

 

1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

We were in enclosed spaces at church for many hours on Sunday and a bunch of other people got sick too, so someone must have come while sick; which is ... frustrating.

Stomach bugs can be weird. You think maybe something just didn't sit right in your stomach, and then you go somewhere, and then realize you have a virus. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

10 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

1/2 veggies, 1/4 protein, 1/4 carbs

I believe NF follows the same formula.

10 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

I've had an unexpected ally and mentor in the process too - Eamon has very curly hair and had to learn how to manage it when he was a teenager, and he's surprised and delighted me with tips, recommendations, and above all, lots of sympathy for trying products and processes and finding they don't work.   

[SkyGirl]

 

Henlo frens! Eamon and I took a short weekend trip to see my family and spend some time with them ahead of my family member's upcoming cancer surgery, and it was lovely and sweet. And, thanks to massively overdosing on caffeine today and the disorientation of travel schedules and whatnot, I am tired and hazy and vaguely anxious this evening.    But, tomorrow is a normal work-from-home day, and that will give us a chance to ease back into our schedules before going back to the office. Also, I'm really glad for anxiety purposes that we made this trip - last time we went to see my family, I had a horrible IBS/anxiety flare that culminated in a gnarly panic attack while waiting in line at TSA; but I know it's important to revisit places and overwrite those kinds of memories, and during this trip I ate mindfully, felt good and was able to prepare for and successfully breathe through my normal travel anxiety.    I'm using my tools and getting better all the time! 

 

This week is my family member's surgery, which I'm feeling pretty nervous about, honestly. I was very aware as we drove away today that I don't know for certain that I'll see them again - and of course, that's true every time we say goodbye to someone, but it felt especially raw and real today. No one talked about the dangers of the surgery - my family member is making plans for the trips they want to take after their surgery and treatment are done - and in some ways that was harder. There are so many things that I've never told them that I would really need to tell them if ... things didn't go well.  ?  So, I'll be praying a lot this week that it does go well. 

 

Another of my close family members received the diagnosis that they're in the early stages of a terminal condition just yesterday as well, and they're already experiencing painful symptoms, so that was also a source of sorrow in our gathering.    I know it's a normal part of the human experience to watch loved ones age, get sick, and pass on - but I don't care, it still sucks and hurts. Someone said once that our bodies and minds know they weren't designed for death, and that's why it feels so wrong and surprising every time it happens. 

 

In light of all those things, our time together this weekend was especially precious, and I'm really glad we went.  ❤️  My family isn't perfect, but I'm awfully blessed to have their love, laughter, ridiculous inside jokes, ever-present eagerness to help, and examples of strength and resilience in my life. 

 

In lighter news, I am devouring the first Mistborn trilogy by Brandon Sanderson, and absolutely loving it.    I'd never heard of Brandon Sanderson before getting married, but Eamon is a big fan of his books and introduced me to the first Mistborn book on our honeymoon. I'm planning to do a challenge thread next month, and even if I haven't finished the trilogy at that point, I really want to do a Mistborn-themed challenge. And every time I voice a theory to Eamon, he bites his lip and grins at me and groans because he wants so badly to tell me what's coming next. I'm about halfway through the second book and so happy there are other trilogies to enjoy after this one!   

 

And my last bit of good news, they finally fixed the rowing machine in our gym, and @Elastigirl sent me some resources on learning proper rowing form and technique!    Rowing is my favorite gym activity and I'm excited to get back to it!

 

I am also falling asleep sitting up, so I think I'll call it a night!    Love you guys! I'll be around this week, I think!

[Elastigirl]

1 hour ago, SkyGirl said:

Someone said once that our bodies and minds know they weren't designed for death, and that's why it feels so wrong and surprising every time it happens. 

 

This is true. Praying for your family member and sending hugs to you.

[SkyGirl]

On 8/14/2022 at 11:02 PM, Elastigirl said:

This is true. Praying for your family member and sending hugs to you.

 

Thank you so much, EG!  ❤️  They came through the surgery just fine - the surgeon said it was really rough, and they're going to have to stay in the hospital for a few days to recover, but their progress seems good so far and I'm very thankful.    I appreciate your prayers!!

[ParylPanda]

Your journey certainly is inspiring! It seems like you are managing relatively well through a really tough time.

 

I'm so torn on Brandon Sanderson - I read the first two Mistborn books after getting them in the library - loved the first one and really wanted the second one. I didn't dislike the second one, but at the same time didn't like it enough to feel the need to buy the third on in the trilogy (not available in the library)

I recently read his Stomlight Archive and kept going through phases of loving it and wanting to read MORE, as opposed to days of not reading. I'm not sure if it is maybe because of how he switched between characters every chapter or what, but it was a strange experience that I'm not really used to. 

Interestingly enough having the same with  George Martin at the moment. He also switched after each chapter. Maybe it's me? lol

 

[SkyGirl]

On 8/18/2022 at 2:04 AM, ParylPanda said:

Your journey certainly is inspiring! It seems like you are managing relatively well through a really tough time.

 

I'm so torn on Brandon Sanderson - I read the first two Mistborn books after getting them in the library - loved the first one and really wanted the second one. I didn't dislike the second one, but at the same time didn't like it enough to feel the need to buy the third on in the trilogy (not available in the library)

I recently read his Stomlight Archive and kept going through phases of loving it and wanting to read MORE, as opposed to days of not reading. I'm not sure if it is maybe because of how he switched between characters every chapter or what, but it was a strange experience that I'm not really used to. 

Interestingly enough having the same with  George Martin at the moment. He also switched after each chapter. Maybe it's me? lol

 

 

I just finished the second Mistborn book - I was a little put off by the tone in the first half or so, just because the characters felt a lot sadder and darker than they did in the first book, but I'm glad I stuck through it because the ending was shocking.    Will be starting the third one soon. And I've had lots of people recommend the Stormlight Archive but haven't tried it yet - I'm sure Eamon has it or knows where to get it, so maybe I'll try that next!

[SkyGirl]

 

Henlo frens! Continuing to pack A Lot into life these days, and honestly I'm kind of getting used to it ...    My family member is recovering well, and we got the great news today that their cancer was in the very earliest stages and the doctor thinks they got it all. That's a HUGE answer to prayer and we're all rejoicing.  ❤️  

 

Yesterday I got confirmation from the GI doctor that he's pretty sure I have IBS, which in my mind is tantamount to a diagnosis, since IBS is a diagnosis of exclusion and there's no test that will definitively show it. So that's actually kind of good news - firstly, because it means there isn't something structurally or genetically wrong with my gut, and secondly, because it's very likely that as I figure out my diet triggers and manage my stress better, it will improve.  ❤️  I've been failing pretty abysmally at the low-FODMAP diet that my nutritionist prescribed, and feeling pretty guilty about that since I paid a lot of money to get her advice only to ignore it so far - but, I still have two weeks before I see her again, so I can keep trying.    

 

I also measured myself for some new clothes today, and was shocked and dismayed, though not surprised, to see that I've gained at least 2" on all of my measurements since this time a year ago.  ?  Again, as I've said, I know this isn't all bad - I was definitely on the underweight side before we got married. But it's also not great, because the reason I've gained so much weight so quickly is because of eating too much and not exercising at all, after being pretty active last year. And I know I've been complaining about this for months now and not done anything about it - my attempts at tracking calories have flopped, my attempts at eating less have resulted in panic-eating carbs, and I continue to not exercise more than a 5-minute walk a couple of times a week. So basically, I kind of feel a little overwhelmed with shame and guilt, which tends to create inaction and self-pity instead of positive change.   

 

So, tonight I'm shopping for some larger clothes, because I do know that feeling sad about how tight my clothes are every time I get dressed is not going to put me in a good space to take care of my body. I've been using a self-care app called Finch to set little tiny goals for myself ("do 5 jumping jacks," "drink 8 ounces of water," "finish your coffee before 3PM," etc.) and really enjoying both the app and the positive mindfulness it encourages - so I can add slightly larger goals to earn fun accessories for my pet, and hopefully encourage myself to find a new routine that helps me feel good. And I definitely want to start a small challenge thread next month - Eamon and I will be traveling for our anniversary soon, but I believe the start of the new challenge is a few days after we get back, so it's perfect timing.     Bottom line, though, I make the best health decisions when I'm trying to love and nourish my body, not when I'm ashamed of it and trying to punish it. So I really need to start with my mindset and then set (and keep) goals from there.

 

On the positive side, I'm very excited for our anniversary trip, and so happy that we're celebrating our first year of marriage.    It definitely feels like it's only been a few months, in many ways, and at the same time I can see how much we've both grown and learned. It's been very, very good, and I'm very excited to see what our next year together holds.  ❤️ 

 

Time to start winding down. I'll check in again soon!  ❤️ 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Responding to ourselves and our bodies with love rather than shame when it gets bigger than we would prefer is difficult, but worthwile.

If I ever figure out how to do so consistently I'll let you know.

[SkyGirl]

 

Hello from my couch, where I am icing and elevating my foot because I think I just sprained or broke my toe.    I was impatient and decided to scramble sideways out of our queen-sized bed instead of standing up and walking around it like a normal person, and I paid for it by snagging my little toe in the bed frame and yoinking it at an unnatural angle as I tumbled out of the bed. Grace, thy name is Sky.

 

It's been a heavy week, with lots of health challenges for our extended families and some painful conflict over old traumas, and yesterday my anxiety got triggered in the morning and I was afraid I would lose the rest of the weekend to a spiral. But I was able to quickly get to the root of why I felt triggered, address it, and then spend the rest of the day caring for the symptoms. This morning I woke up feeling so much better and energized for a wonderful vacation.  ❤️  Of course, my IBS flared up this afternoon because of stress and anticipation of our coming trip this week, but now that I know it's IBS I can take over-the-counter meds anytime I need them, so I just took medicine for the symptoms and have gently kept moving through the day. Knowing why I'm having symptoms doesn't exactly help them go away, but it does keep me from anxiety-spiraling and making them much worse.

 

My larger-size clothes arrived yesterday and most of them are soft, comfy and flattering, which was a nice mood boost.    I did order a dress I was super excited about, but the waistline hits me in a weird place and makes me look pregnant - which is rather awkward considering that the "so, we've been married a year, how soon baby?" conversations have begun.    We're not planning to seriously try just yet, mostly because we still live in a very small place and it would be really cramped to fit baby things in there (and really annoying to move while I was pregnant), but we've started talking through some of our expectations, fears, needs, and hopes for ourselves and each other as parents. It's ... been a LOT. Not like we're disagreeing or anything like that - but realizing how much junk we have between our ears when it comes to thinking of ourselves as someone's parents.    I did bring it up with my therapist a couple of weeks ago, and her response was "you're overthinking this, you're going to be a great mom, quit selling yourself short" - which was oddly unhelpful and yet reassuring.    So, one of these days, I do hope that happens. And I'm going to be sorting through this junk-closet of a brain in the meantime.

 

Tomorrow we leave for our trip and I still have a bit of packing to do, and my foot is feeling much better after some ice, so I better go do a little more organization.    Hoping to do some light hiking on our trip if the weather allows (it's supposed to thunderstorm literally every day of the trip!) - there are lots of beautiful trails where we're going, and one of my friends just visited there too and found some gorgeous waterfalls.    There are nice museums and things too, so even if it rains, it's going to be wonderful and I'm soooo excited. I'll probably update once I get back!!

 

Love you frens!!

[Elastigirl]

Enjoy your trip! 

[SkyGirl]

 

Hello from our beautiful mountain cabin!    So far it's been an immensely relaxed week - Monday we slept very late, then did a quick grocery run and some sightseeing in the afternoon; yesterday it was supposed to storm the whole day, so we stayed home waiting for it to pass, and felt a little sheepish (but not sorry) when we realized late in the afternoon that it never was going to rain, and we'd stayed home for naught.    This morning we'd planned to get up early and go hiking, but neither of us slept well and we just couldn't wake up this morning, which turned out to be okay because my IBS flared up this afternoon and it would have been really uncomfortable to figure out how to deal with that out on the trail.  ?  I'm still hoping we can get in a hike at some point before we go home, but even if we only do light shopping and walking, I'll be happy. And we've been loving catching up on "The Mandalorian" and finishing some video games.   

 

Spoilered for some IBS / bowel discussions just in case that grosses anyone out:

 

Spoiler

I went to take some Pepto-Bismol after my third run to the restroom this afternoon, and Eamon interrupted me and asked if I'd taken too much medicine over the last few days (I'd been constipated for our first few days here, partly because of taking several rounds of anti-diarrheal medicine over the weekend, so he wanted to be sure I was mindfully choosing to take more anti-diarrheals and not doing something that could make me worse in the long run). I thought about it and felt a bit of an epiphany. If I continue to not watch my diet, and be careless about what might and might not trigger my symptoms (including diet, exercise, and anxiety management), I really am setting myself up for a cycle of symptoms-medicine-symptoms-medicine rather than seeking equilibrium and actual health, where I don't have to suffer through long spells of constipation or take anti-diarrheals every few days. I haven't been taking my dietician's recommendations seriously up to this point, but Eamon's question helped me realize that I don't want to settle for "symptoms covered up" when I could hopefully reach "symptoms in remission" one day. Throw in the unwanted weight gain and struggle to keep my anxiety stable, and I just think I could be feeling so much better than this.

 

So, I really am going to jump back into the next 5-week challenge, and I want to set some small but firm goals that will help me start on the path toward real healing, not just stopgap measures. My nutritionist follow-up is a week from today, so I doubt I'll have any meaningful progress to report to her, which will be embarrassing; but in the long run it's not about getting a good report card from doctors, it's about feeling good and having energy to do things. I don't want to be low-energy and sickly and anxious all the time; I want to be healthy and energetic and enthusiastic about life.  ❤️ 

 

(I also read The Secret Garden for the first time this week, and while it was kind of shockingly racist and also overflowing with the author's amusing certainty that there is absolutely no other climate in the world so well suited to Health and Magic and Well-Being as the Great English Countryside, I did appreciate its encouragement to spend more time outdoors and weed out negative thoughts to make room for positive ones. I needed both of those reminders.   )

 

For today, I'm going to take the small steps that I can: Get a little exercise, check the ingredients when we get or make dinner, and do some things that make my heart happy.    

[SkyGirl]

 

I shifted my weight back and forth to ease my sore hips as I pulled my little journal out of the dusty stack of things where it had been sitting for almost a year. It was late in the morning and the late-autumn sun was finally beginning to lift over the bottom of the windowsills, brightening my little kitchen from sleepy blue to a more awake golden light. I padded across the room and rummaged up something to write with. What was I going to say? I smiled at myself. Did it matter? Writing was the thing, capturing fragments of these days before they passed me by.

 

These days ... my hand automatically moved to my belly, as firm and round as a ball stuffed under my clothes. "I didn't know it was possible to feel so many things all at once," I began. Terror and excitement. Hope and worry. Grief and joy. Resentment and gratitude. Weariness and determination. Uncertainty and clarity. And so many more things, all because of someone I don't know and have never met. My precious boy, you and I and your father are part of the oldest story ever told, and yet I feel like such an outsider to that story, like everyone else in the world is better prepared to become a parent than I am. 

 

I paused and looked out the window. I knew those words weren't true. Maybe I wasn't ready to meet all the spoken and unspoken customs of motherhood that surrounded me, to answer confidently when people asked me how I would feed my baby, whether I would let him cry in his crib or run to his voice every time, what kinds of toys I would buy him or what kind of school I hoped he'd attend. But every day, far up in the mountains that looked down over my village, deep in the forests where no human eye could see, the deer mothers quietly brought forth their fawns; the big cats softly cleaned and fed their kittens; the mother birds obeyed the little voice that told them exactly what their wailing babies needed to eat. I knew I could be like them. I knew that the same Voice that guided them would guide me, and I knew that the first time I looked into my son's blue eyes and heard his voice, I would be told what he needed - whether by my own intuition, or by loving voices around me. 

 

I picked up the journal again and wrote carefully, But I'm going to do my best. I am doing my best, and I will keep doing so. I don't know everything and I don't need to. I will learn as I go, and I will grow from my mistakes. And I am not alone, and I never will be. 

 

A distant humming coming up the path let me know that my husband was home from his morning prayer with some of the other men in the village. I smiled and left the journal sitting on the table, where I would see it and remember to pick up where I left off. Too many days had passed me by - it was time to start capturing them again.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Thanks for pointing me here

[Elastigirl]

Does this mean your having a boy?!  Loving your narrative, as always.

[SkyGirl]

4 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Thanks for pointing me here

 

Thank you for being here!!   

 

2 hours ago, Elastigirl said:

Does this mean your having a boy?!  Loving your narrative, as always.

 

Yes we are having a boy!! We took the extra early test to find out at 12 weeks, I didn't want to wait!    And thank you so much! I'm so glad you're here!

[Elastigirl]

34 minutes ago, SkyGirl said:

 

Thank you for being here!!   

 

 

Yes we are having a boy!! We took the extra early test to find out at 12 weeks, I didn't want to wait!    And thank you so much! I'm so glad you're here!

Very exciting!! Congrats. Boys are so fun

[Maggie-Miau]

Found you, hello mon amie! Thinking of you and wishing you all the best ❤️

[SkyGirl]

Henlo frens!! It's been quite a while since I posted, mainly for mental energy reasons - I'm at almost 32 weeks and Little Bean is measuring about three weeks ahead, which means I am huge (people keep thinking I'm days away from giving birth) and very uncomfortable, but still ideally have six or seven weeks to go.    It's about time to start making decisions about how I want to give birth, when I want to stop working, etc.; but it's been hard to think beyond how to get a full night's sleep or how to get anything done when I have to run to the restroom every ten minutes.   

 

Life in general is going well. We traveled to my parents' house for Thanksgiving, and it was wonderful to see everyone after almost a full year, including their adorable new puppy.    My work has tapered off to wrap up the year; Eamon's has ramped up to wrap up the year; so I'm trying to take advantage of having less to do and take more chore breaks during the day. (Typically Eamon does a lot of the chores like laundry and dishes during the day because he gets more breaks than I do, so I'm enjoying getting to take over and give him more time to focus - it also gives me a chance to stretch and move around.) We've also been making it back to church more regularly, and that's been amazing - I've struggled with feeling really isolated this year, and it feels good to get out and see people.    

 

I'm not really working out at all lately, and really kicking myself for not working out earlier in the pregnancy when I was feeling better.    Once a day we try to get out and take one lap around the parking lot, and I swear lately even that little lap has left me gasping for breath and aching in my back. It's demoralizing.  ?  But, it is what it is. I have been doing hip and pelvic floor stretches when I can, and I went to the mall and walked for a couple of hours yesterday, so I'm trying to work with what I have. And there will be time in the future to get back in shape - I know Bean and I are going to be taking walks and finding mommy-and-me activities in the spring, so I'm confident I'll find more ways to move and stay healthy.   

 

Mentally, I'm still riding the waves of mood swings and have had some pretty sad days lately as my hormones ramp up again, and one of the hardest parts has been that I don't think my therapist is really taking me very seriously.  ?  Now, I don't think I'm in the danger zone of any severe symptoms or anything, but when I say "I'm having a lot of fear about parenting and I feel so inadequate to go through the crucible of birth and manage the life care of a tiny human being", her response has been along the lines of "lol yep, welcome to parenting, we're all scared, you're doing fine". Which ... is true, and I know that. And also, it would be nice to hear a "it's definitely scary and valid that you feel that way, tell me more".    So I'm trying to talk to friends (though their responses are kind of the same, tbh), and have been meaning to make time for some journaling. Might be a good reason to come back here more often.    

 

Time to go to the bathroom yet again ...  ?  I love you guys and miss you when I'm away!!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Yep, that feeling is normal to parenting. It's also valid and I'd love to read more about it on here if you want to elaborate.

[Chris-Tien Jinn]

10 hours ago, SkyGirl said:

it's definitely scary and valid that you feel that way, tell me more". 

 

As a first-time grandmother, I am feeling the scaries again and remembering how scared I was at times as a new mother.  Being scared is valid ... this is a big change!!  We're here to listen.