Self Esteem Impaired

[Flex Luthor]

My self esteem is something I've really been struggling with lately. Haven't had great self esteem for about as long as I can remember. Thoughts that I'm not good enough, attractive enough, whatever have been creeping into my head and I don't know how to get them out. Part of it goes back to high school when many girls would look at me as though I were a freak for trying to talk to them. Loner about sums me up perfectly. Didn't learn about the whole talking to girls aspect of life so I'm pretty lost when it comes to that. Not that I'm using any of those things as excuses, that's just where I come from. The point of the thread is to get some advice on where I go from here? People that have successfully dealt with self esteem issues would be a great help here.

[leadchipmunk]

I don't have any advice, but I am in the same boat, so I'm just here to say "subbed!"

[Blaidd]

Hey. This might seem counterproductive bt getting to know ppl online is a great way to build confidence when it comes to socializing. I think apart from the feelings of inadequacy, the next biggest problem with socializing is "what do I talk to the opposite sex about?" Girls aren't all about shoes and makeup and guys aren't all about sport. The human race is multi-faceted. So socializing online is a great way to learn what ppl talk about. Start with a group that is in your comfort Zone (like NF), then move. Little out your comfort zone, but not much. Every time you get comfortable there move onto the next group slightly out of your comfort zone, each time hopefully gaining more confidence. The best part is that you'll start discovering ppl who are just like you, which boosts confidence and just overall "I'm not gonna be Forever Alone"!

As for self esteem, its human nature to berate ourselves. You don't see lions berating themselves for not catching the zebra, they just move onto the next zebra. We'd be awesome if we were all lions but we're not. So we have to teach ourselves to value ourselves. First thing to remember is that not everyone is judge mental about looks. Secondly the RIGHT kind of person doesn't value you for your looks. Everyone else isn't worth it. Having one good friend is better than having hundreds of crap friends. The last piece of advice I offer is to try small daily affirmations and to celebrate every win. Eventually that little voice will quieten.

Sent with awesomeness from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Nik]

Me too. One thing that I do whenever I catch myself beating myself up and thinking negative thoughts about myself (I regularly call myself an idiot, for example) is ask myself if I would say the same things about another person. I generally find that if I treated another person the way that I treat myself, I'd be an irredeemable bully. It helps to put things into perspective.

[eseng666]

I'm still on the way on overcoming that similar dilemma. What I usually do is talk to women as if they're men. It goes well most of the time. Just be careful of going overboard. You should always bring your "Gentlemanship".

[deathstalker]

Re: girls, have you met Doctor Nerdlove? The stuff he writes is good reading even if one isn't looking for dates right now, but just some general esteem stuff.

[Nocturnis]

I used to have some self esteem issues as well. The combination of being smarter than most of my peers and having my own style of dress made me target a lot. The internet helped me a lot when it came to talking to girls and people in general because online if people don't like you then so what no harm done. I live by what I call the I Don't Give A F*CK philosophy=whether you like me or not I don't give a F*CK. In the end there will be people that love you and some that will hate you but what matters most that you like yourself. Oh and I also found that writing is a good way to get your emotions out.

If you want to talk I think I can round up some sites to help you or I can give you some advice. That goes for anyone on this thread having the same issues.

[Gobnait]

Everyone has doubt inside, the confident ones just pretend that they don't. Pretending that you don't have self-esteem issues will allow you to function, and then they become irrelevant.

[Rostov]

I think I'd draw a distinction between (a) low self esteem, and ( ability/confidence and talking to potential partners. Although they're linked and self esteem may affect confidence, they're not the same thing at all.

As regards self-esteem in general, I think most people tend to focus on only what they're not good at, and take what they are good at completely for granted. While it's no help just to say "count your blessings" or "things could be worse, be grateful for what you have", I think it can sometimes be useful to remind yourself of what you are good at. For example, you may consider yourself a loner and regard that as a negative, but I'd imagine that other people regard you as independent, self-reliant, organised, and reliable. I'd imagine that we've all met people who are the opposite - people who aren't comfortable in their own company, people who need other people to get their lives in order and get stuff done, people who can't cope if they're not in a relationship. They're needy and sometimes even parasitic on others.

On talking to potential partners (a topic about which I claim absolutely no expertise - quite the contrary), I think the main suggestion I'd make it is to take all your high school memories/adolescent cringe-worthy moments/early fumblings and forget them. The great thing about adults is that they're not school kids any more, and the rules of engagement, the hierarchies, the expectations and so on are all different. All I know of US high schools is what I've seen in TV and film (and if I believed them, I'd think that you lot stay at school well into your mid 20s), but I don't imagine that the changes are that different. We all have more life experience, we're more empathetic, we're (most of us) more thoughtful and much less cruel, and the raging hormones have calmed down a fair bit. God help womenkind all if men never developed past the stage of late-adolescent boys. We all know ourselves better, we're less swayed by peer pressure, and we have much more control over who our peers are - we don't work and socialise with the same people any more. Adulthood and independence gives us freedom.

So while it's not uncommon to be scarred by things that happened in our formative years (I know I was/am!), but as regards relationships I think the key thing is to take the lessons and dump the rest.

[Flex Luthor]

By no means is feeling horrible about myself an all the time thing. Usually I'm able to talk to people at the gym or at work with relative ease but sometimes those feelings of inadequacy just knock me on my ass and I shy away from anyone and everyone and don't handle it very well.

[Hiraedd]

I think probably the way to deal with those "episodes" is to have some strategies prepared in advance. What do you do that normally helps you combat stress? Do you have techniques? (Deep breathing, telling yourself "I can do this", etc) If not, work at finding some. The more things you have to fall back on when you feel that way the more likely you will be to face it. Those are things you bring into your life in advance so that you are ready for those moments. (They may include the things I said above, or positive self talk, or a reward you have promised yourself in advance for facing a scary/intimidating situation.) Also, is there some correlation between when these incidents occur? Start tracking them a bit, how you felt before, and what was happening around you when they occur. That will give you useful data for being prepared when those moments strike and maybe help you defuse them before they begin. I am recovering from serious anxiety and low self esteem after an abusive marriage and so I am speaking based on what has been working for me. I am still working my way through, and will continue to for a while, but all of those things have helped me break the hold of the past on particular interactions. In the end, though, I think the determination that this "fear" will NOT OWN ME is what makes me face a situation, and the more times I face it the stronger I get....

Hope that helps, even a little Hang in there, JP, and keep working at it...you'll get there!

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Go to Art of Manliness and read EVERYTHING, which admitedlly will help you with technique more than confidence, but technique can lead to confidence. Also, talk to all people for the sake of talking, and not just because you might be interested in a relationship. And, if you need it, talk to a therapist/counselor that can be quite helpful, it was for me.

[Raincloak]

One thing that made the whole self-esteem business click for me recently was asking myself: "Why am I so hooked on the approval of others?"

I don't really have a good answer, but just noticing the problem changed things a lot. I realized almost everything I did was done in order to win the approval of others, or avoid their disapproval. And that's no way for a free adult to live. It makes you a slave to public opinion. And public opinion is a vicious, fickle beast.

Nobody, not even God himself, gets a 100% approval rating. Not ever. And since no matter what you do, someone's going to bitch about it, you may as well do what you find fun.

Be yourself, but be the best yourself you can be. Part of you is honorable, attractive, generous, and interesting. If those are things you value, then highlight them. You'll be happier, and if other people like you more, consider it a bonus.

It never hurts to learn a few suave skills and practice them, of course. Learning to be smooth is not the same as trying to be someone you aren't. Manners are just tools for your social toolbox. Learn them, use them, put your own stamp on them. You don't have to pretend you're someone else (unless that helps you; one woman I know finds it very helpful to "roleplay" her adventurous, sassy alter ego when she goes out...), but it's good to have the option to be charming, even if you choose not to use it.

[sumdawgtwigg]

I've dealt with self confidence issues my whole life. Especially in the lady dept. Exercise and getting fit really does help. The stronger you get and just to be honest, the better you look, the more confidence you will start to get. It has been the only cure I've found for my self confidence issues. Now that I'm back sliding and my body and strength are paying for it I can feel that confidence starting to go away. You just have to be careful and not put to much stock into what your body looks like. That's not what its all about but it is def part of it.

[Namednoname]

I'd go as far to say that I have no self esteem issues any more. But as someone else said, self esteem and confidence speaking to others are two very different beasts ( the latter of which I definitely struggle with ) How I got over my self esteem issues is a hard one to explain as there wasn't really a defining moment where I had a mind blowing epiphany and everything was fixed after.

I used to suffer really bad with it. But now, Everything that I don't like about myself or that I want to Change, I see as temporary. I am out of shape currently, but it's not a permanent thing. If someone says something, or if the subject comes up, I tell them that I'm currently dieting and training. I tell them I've lost x amount of weight. Hell, people aren't my strong point but what I do know, is that if your confident in what your saying and if what your saying is true, people will believe you. So all of a sudden, I'm not embarrassed by being out of shape, in fact, I'm proud that I'm doing something about it and most of the negative emotions of being out of shape, gets turned into something positive.

Another thing is, being true to yourself. If someone doesn't like you or try's taking the mick out of you. Stand up for yourself. In this life, no one has the right to mock you for who you are or what you do. No one. I'm a great believer of respecting everyone for being who they are and doing what they do. And I expect people to do the same for me. For example, if someone mocks me for wanting to try a new sport. I literally don't care about their opinion, it has nothing to do with them, if I want to do it, I shall.Don't let other people dictate your life.

I know it's all a bit vague but I hope this helps. Cause personally, seeing things I don't like as temporary, then having confidence in myself that I'm going to Change it, helps. Things you can't change that you don't like, you just have to accept. An example. I have pretty big ears. Short of getting surgery to clip my ears back, I will never Change my ears. So I'm not phased by it. If someone doesn't like my ears, what the hell are they expecting me to do about it? Lol.

[Flex Luthor]

I've actually been working on my social skills for the past few months so that hasn't been too much of an isssue as of late. But in regards to the self esteem thing, I almost feel like, as a man, we aren't supposed to feel that way. We aren't supposed to worry about what other people are thinking about us, we aren't supposed to have body image issues, among other things and it's more than a little frustrating because I feel like I can't even talk about it to anyone. Luckily these feelings don't tend to stay too long anymore but sometimes they can knock me out of it for a good week or two. An improvement over months but still something I don't like.

In regards to this:

The stronger you get and just to be honest, the better you look, the more confidence you will start to get. It has been the only cure I've found for my self confidence issues.

I'm glad it helped for you, not so much for me.

[deathstalker]

Welcome to the patriarchy, where both men and women get screwed over, just in different ways.

It's totally normal to have body image issues as a man, too. You just need to pick the people you talk to about it very carefully, because while women are socialized to put themselves down in a social setting, men are not supposed to. At least that's been my experience.

At least you have us nerds here. Even though most of us are awkward, all of us have experience with this awkwardness stuff.

[katscratch]

I don't have anyone to talk about body image issues IRL with. Once you get to a certain level of thin-ness, as a woman, you're expected to be automatically ecstatic and confident. You shouldn't still have any self-esteem issues, because only weight/appearance matters.

SO true. I've always been skinny so just never talked about feeling like a noodle--after losing weight unexpectedly a couple years ago, the only person I've known in the last ten years that I could speak frankly with was my 300lb Bro friend. It was awesome, because our goals were the same: change body composition and be healthier, but none of my female friends have ever seen it that way.

-no advice really, other than keep talking it out and continuing to do things that make you feel good about yourself period. I, too, found the confidence train once I started becoming more fit- honestly a huge part of this was that my posture changed naturally as I became stronger and I projected more confidence.

[Flex Luthor]

It's totally normal to have body image issues as a man, too. You just need to pick the people you talk to about it very carefully, because while women are socialized to put themselves down in a social setting, men are not supposed to. At least that's been my experience.

It pretty much makes you a pansy in many people's eyes, men or women. Only women are supposed to think like that. Which of course is a stereotype in itself that women are the "weak" ones but regardless they are much more often allowed to think that way where as men are supposed to be the "strong" sex. Both of those are of course ridiculous because body image has nothing to do with gender.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently about the whole talking to girls thing and I came to the realization that I have a fear of women. Not that I would judge the type of person someone is based solely on their appearance, I'm definitely not that shallow. But it goes back to when I was younger and the pretty girls weren't so nice, especially to me. Now any time I see one I feel an almost compulsion to avoid them. Something I'll definitely have to work on but interesting to think about.

[shortstuff]

Those "pretty girls" in high school weren't nice to *anyone*.

It's true

[deathstalker]

Yeah, I know that men get a lot of shit for even trying to buck the standard image of what a man should be. I have been in that situation in terms of being a proper woman, let's just say that I will never get there, because I am neither willing to entirely present according to what is wanted nor willing to make my life choices according to what people think a woman should do.

So, basically. Here you have various choices. If you have friends you can share your stuff with without being judged, keep sharing. If you have friends who judge you, stop being friends with them. In the end, being true to what you know and feel will work out a lot better than hiding it just because it does not fit preconceived notions of what people should be like. If you try to fit the average mold, it will only lead to bad things in the end. I keep seeing this in older men who tried to fit in and are now struggling with pretty much having destroyed their inner selves. Not pretty. Especially since their families keep being collateral to it.

Also, I find men occasionally terrifying. Sometimes because they're handsome (and you'd think someone like me wouldn't have that problem), sometimes because I am afraid they might hurt me. So, you're not entirely alone in finding the opposite gender (so to speak) intimidating to talk to.

[TheRedWriter]

My self esteem is something I've really been struggling with lately. Haven't had great self esteem for about as long as I can remember. Thoughts that I'm not good enough, attractive enough, whatever have been creeping into my head and I don't know how to get them out. Part of it goes back to high school when many girls would look at me as though I were a freak for trying to talk to them. Loner about sums me up perfectly. Didn't learn about the whole talking to girls aspect of life so I'm pretty lost when it comes to that. Not that I'm using any of those things as excuses, that's just where I come from. The point of the thread is to get some advice on where I go from here? People that have successfully dealt with self esteem issues would be a great help here.

Hey there jp,

Self-Esteem is one of those intensely personal experiences; as such, it can sometimes be difficult for one person to equate their experiences to another and be understood. Like breathing, we all experience it in order to continue living, but most of us can't even explain the process.

For my own story: I can empathize with you. Before I turned 20, I could barely look a girl in the eye, much less speak with them. I ended up with a few female friends, but never any romantic prospects. Most of this was due to low-self esteem stemming from being overweight and having a lifestyle unrelatable to the majority of other people my age in the city I grew up in. The overweight factor was one I always felt helpless to change; the lifestyle (being a major ethnic minority and a long haired, heavy metal headbanger in a community of gangster-rap enthusiasts) was one I inherited from my family with pride. Though I wore it like a shield when younger, it was something that (even years after I expanded my musical repertoire) I eventually came to realize gave me an independence from the norm, a freedom from the herd mentality. Even at my worst in weight problems (ballooning out to 300 pounds and only 6' tall), I still clung stubbornly to my belief of not caring about what others thought about me, and eventually, it became a reality in my feelings as well as my thoughts. Life got better, but in reality, what I realized is that life wasn't a travesty to begin with, simply my outlook had been negative all along.

The main thing I would remind you of is to remind yourself, regularly, of this simple advice: YOU ARE AWESOME. Utterly awesome, and completely bad-ass. You have the ability to accomplish anything you set your mind to and follow through with. You woke up this morning, and that potential is the most powerful force conceivable, because you have the power to choose exactly what you will accomplish.

I'd wish you the best of luck, but I'd say that if you are strong enough to ask the question and you are on these forums seeking positive support, you are probably making your own.

[sumdawgtwigg]

Those "pretty girls" in high school weren't nice to *anyone*.

That is so true.

[TheRedWriter]

Those "pretty girls" in high school weren't nice to *anyone*.

Well said, Athena.

With some degree of irony, I remember very clearly at my high school that the most, "Pretty" people, girls or guys, were typically the most cruel to those on the social fringes. This wasn't always the case, but it was predictable with a strong degree of certainty.

[Flex Luthor]

Those "pretty girls" in high school weren't nice to *anyone*.

Believe me, I'm well aware of this fact. It was just interesting to figure out the correlation between that and how I currently feel when I see those girls.