Artinum Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Not unless you have a chip on your shoulder. 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Guzzi Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Is this joke going around? I just saw it on another forum that is in no way related to this one...Just told that joke to my brother and he said he already read it in the Guardian newspaper a day or two ago. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Tanktimus the Encourager Posted August 25, 2015 Report Share Posted August 25, 2015 Not unless you have a chip on your shoulder.You sir, win the internet for today. 2 Quote Current Challenge "By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath Link to comment
Bearded_Dragon Posted August 26, 2015 Report Share Posted August 26, 2015 Just told that joke to my brother and he said he already read it in the Guardian newspaper a day or two ago.Sent from my iPad using Tapatalkthat joke, the "hans free" one and the one about "if you don't know what introspection is, you need to have a long hard look at yourself" all featured in the top 10 jokes at the edinburgh fringe festival 2015. 1 Quote Link to comment
SomeGuyFromScotland Posted August 26, 2015 Report Share Posted August 26, 2015 Just told that joke to my brother and he said he already read it in the Guardian newspaper a day or two ago. Shortlisted for best joke at the Edinburgh Festival, apparently. I guess that's why they were talking about them on the radio. 1 Quote ~~ VALHALLA, I AM COMING! ~~ Season 1 (2015): #0 #1 #2 #3 #4 #5 Season 2 (2016): #6 #7 #8 #9 #10 #11 #12 #13 #14 #15 Season 3 (2017): #16 #17 #18 Link to comment
Guzzi Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 How do astronomers organise a party? They planet Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 What did the 30° angle say to the 90° angle?You think you're always right. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 And, how to confuse an idiot.....Mary's father has four children; Jacob, Joshua and James. What is the fourth one called?Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk 3 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Cat in the rack Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 The version I always heard involved three children and the two names April and May. 2 Quote Follow me on snapchat or instagram @ catintherackSquat: 115kgBench: 77.5kgDeadlift: 130kgTotal: 322.5kgWeight: 68kg Link to comment
Artinum Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 And, how to confuse an idiot.....Mary's father has four children; Jacob, Joshua and James. What is the fourth one called? The version I've heard before is that Mary's father has five children. The first four were called Nana, Nene, Nini and Nono. What was the fifth one called?Many people, on seeing the pattern, will answer "Nunu". Except they should already know that it's Mary! 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
DarK_RaideR Posted August 31, 2015 Report Share Posted August 31, 2015 I thought Mary only had a little lamb *ba dum tiss* 5 Quote Lvl 65 Multitasker Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 Mary had a little lambHer father shot it dead.Mary still brought that lamb to schoolBetween two slices of bread. 4 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Artinum Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 Mary had a little lambShe tied it to a pylon.Ten thousand volts went through its headAnd turned its wool to nylon. 5 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
AugustaAdaByron Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 4 Quote Level "I have no clue" Warrior Current challenge Battle log Link to comment
Tanktimus the Encourager Posted September 1, 2015 Report Share Posted September 1, 2015 I won a medal once for being humble.Then I wore it and they took it away. 6 Quote Current Challenge "By the Most-Righteous-and-Blessed Beard of Sir Tanktimus the Encourager!" - Jarl Rurik Harrgath Link to comment
Fearkiller Posted September 4, 2015 Report Share Posted September 4, 2015 This guy's walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night. There isn't another soul on the street. Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump...bump. He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him. Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer. Bump...bump...bump. The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man's horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk. He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly. BUMP...BUMP...BUMP!He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps. He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath. Bump...bump...bump. There is a moment's silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.Suddenly.... Bump...bump...bump...Bump...BUMP! BUMP! BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!! He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges. Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after. BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP! Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin -- a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp -- but the coffin keeps coming!BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down! His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!The coffin stops. ----------------------------------------------------------------- A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice.Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250."In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks."Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine."A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My name is bond, ionic bond.Taken, not shared. Linguistics joke.Professor says, "So, as we can see, in some languages a double negative is a positive,and in other languages a double negative is still a negative, but in no language is a double positive a negative."A voice from the back of the classroom says, "Yeah, right." What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Lukewarm. 100 kilopascals go into a bar... Did you know that you can cool yourself to -273.15˚C and still be 0K? 1 Quote "There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged | STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.1 | 15.2 | Milythaels' HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good. It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator "I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories "Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." - Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. "Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky "Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings "I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit "If you do strange things, strange things will happen!" "That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker Link to comment
Guzzi Posted September 5, 2015 Report Share Posted September 5, 2015 100 kilopascals go into a bar...This one's going in my repertoire! Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk which is a pile of shite 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Fearkiller Posted September 6, 2015 Report Share Posted September 6, 2015 "I wonder what drives someone to have sex with an animal.""Probably their tractor." Priceless! 3 Quote "There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged | STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.1 | 15.2 | Milythaels' HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good. It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator "I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories "Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." - Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. "Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky "Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings "I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit "If you do strange things, strange things will happen!" "That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker Link to comment
Bearded_Dragon Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato? I've never paid £50 to have a potato on my face... Quote Link to comment
Guzzi Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 What's the difference between a bogey and a brussel sprout?Try getting a kid to eat a brussel sprout. Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk which is a pile of shite 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Artinum Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato? I've never paid £50 to have a potato on my face... There seems to be an echo in here... Must be, I heard that and the "Hans free" one on the radio this morning. Since we're here: Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a potato? A: You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you. Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Fearkiller Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 I met the vicar in the street the other day and told him that I had been talking about him with my tattooed, satanist boyfriend. He said "You disgust me"."Yes, we did" I replied. Sent from my iPad using TapatalkAfter many days, I still don't get this. Quote "There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged | STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.1 | 15.2 | Milythaels' HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good. It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator "I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories "Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." - Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. "Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky "Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings "I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit "If you do strange things, strange things will happen!" "That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker Link to comment
Artinum Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 After many days, I still don't get this.You disgust / discussed me... Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Guzzi Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 After many days, I still don't get this.Say it out loud "you disgust me"Or....You discussed me Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk which is a pile of shite Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted September 7, 2015 Report Share Posted September 7, 2015 Ah pants! I'm not fast enough. You posted that while I was typing, lol!Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk which is a pile of shite 1 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
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