I Will Not Be Defeated (But first I'm going to let ALL this steam out!)

[WickedNicki]

My name is Nicki and I'm from Massachusetts. This is me!

 

 

I am a pharmacy tech and student in an online college program for medical billing and coding. I like Silent Hill and Resident Evil games and zombie fiction, and I adore anything written by Anne Rice. I have a cat named Sid and he is my child. This is going to be a long post and I am going to tell you things that I have not discussed with anyone ever. Please bear with me.

 

I have followed Nerd Fitness for many months now. I am constantly inspired by Steve's articles and the success stories of other Rebels. With the way my life has been going lately I have decided it's time to majorly level up my life. But I can't do it alone and I know that now after months of trying. I need help and support from people who understand my situation and have the same goals as me. I can't be a solitary leopard anymore because it's only holding me back.

 

You see, I have a cycle. I'll read a blog post, feel inspired, and decide to become a little more dedicated to being healthier. I'll come home from work and spend half an hour with the punching bag. I'll skip dessert. Then the next day I'll have salad for lunch and feel pretty proud of myself. After a week of this, I get bored. I have cravings. I cave in. Then I start the downward spiral. I figure, well, I've given in this much, I might as well have this cake too. Or I'll have a rough day and, knowing that cotton candy ice cream directly stimulates my happy place, albeit temporarily, I'll buy a pint and have my way with it. And I'll feel so happy WHILE I'm eating it. Afterwards...well, I'm sure you're all familiar with that guilt and the shot to your self-esteem. I'll get to the point where once again I feel so low that I HAVE to claw my way back up, read another Nerd Fitness article, and reapply myself. And throughout all of this, I talk to no one about what I'm going through. I do not vent. I keep my struggle to myself in a prideful attempt to seem stronger than I am.

 

I am 27 years old this coming Monday. I'm 5'7 and 205 pounds. This is not the heaviest I have been but I have battled my weight since elementary school. I also battle anxiety, low self-esteem and depression and have told very few people about it. I link all of these to my self image. I've been The Fat Girl for so long that it has become my identity. Even though in the past five years or so I have become more comfortable in my skin, more confident and outgoing, still in the back of my mind is the Hello, My Name Is: FAT GIRL badge. I'm tired of it. It affects me every day. It's exhausting being so constantly obsessed with how I look, wondering what others think about me, being held back by no one but myself.

 

Despite working for the same company for the past 7 years, I am still in a part-time position that does not pay me a living wage. The company is changing a lot and I am not sure of the permanence of my job. They will not hire me full-time, no matter how many times I ask, debate, and point out that I am a pharmacy tech and I'm smart and patients like me and I help them make millions of dollars every single day. (Where is that money going? Not to me, that's for sure!) I know I can do better. I see so many sick and unhealthy people every day. I don't want to be like them. Being unhealthy is expensive. 

 

I moved back home with my parents three years ago after my hours at work were cut and my savings ran dry. Now they want to follow my grandparents and move to Florida. I do not. My home is here in MA and I am devastated that they are leaving. The house officially goes up for sale on Monday. My birthday. Today my dad got laid off, so now the push for them to flee is going to be even greater. I thought that I would have more time to finish school, get a better job, and be able to afford my life here without them. I am completely unprepared. I feel like I have no stability in my life right now and am totally uncomfortable with that. I feel that I have not taken the steps required in life to become a fully independent adult human being because I still am not as confident and driven as I need to be. Things are not harder for me than for everyone else as it has seemed in the past. I realize now that I have been lazy. I have been procrastinating. I have not been living up to my potential because I've been eating things that are horrible and full of chemicals which makes me feel like The Fat Girl and lowers my self-worth. I have not been active and have not allowed myself to feel like the strong woman I know I am.

 

I am scared. I've been panicking, even in my sleep. For the first time in my life I have to create my own stability. But I will not be defeated. I will be fierce and I will prove to myself that I am worthy of the life I desire. I'll be tearing my hair out through all of this and it's absolutely heart-wrenching saying goodbye to life under my parents' roof and the security of the house I grew up in. I'm going to be sad. Hell, I already am. I'm going to have days where the only thing I can think about is cotton candy ice cream and a good cry. I'm going to wallow in self-pity once in a while and escape to Silent Hill. But I hope that when I'm done sniffling and being psychologically damaged by video games I can reach my hand up and know that someone will help me back up and remind me that I am worth the effort. I've been trying to do this alone for too long. It's time to officially join the Rebellion.

[Ba'sini'on]

You can do it girl! It's possible and you shouldn't have to go through it alone, that's why I love this community because at home I have no support. If you need to rant of just need some support let me know, we Silent Hill survivors have to stick together! Trust me, venting seriously helps!

 

Hey who's your favorite Silent Hill monster? Mine is Pyramid Head, and Valtiel they are awesome! I've never really played Resident Evil is it good?

 

[hooligan8403]

Welcome. Im new to the forums even for just lurking. Id like to say it will all be fine but honestly if I said that it would be a cop out. Its going to be hard with everything you have going on in your life at the moment. Iv moved a lot (military brat and all around drifter) and lived on pretty much nothing. It wasn't easy( the living on nothing) and I wouldnt recommend it to anyone else but it is possible and it will make you stronger. That being said you can do this. You can find a way to survive and thrive. If you have to move you have to move. Sometimes thats the only way forward if it means you can make it a little easier on yourself. But you ultimately have to make the choice thats best for you. That goes for the job too. If you feel your experience and skills are under appreciated its time to switch jobs. As a pharmacy tech you should be able to find another job somewhere else. Good Luck and keep posting.

[.redline]

This is one of those times where I -REALLY- wish I had something more profound to say. But despite your struggle right now, it sounds like you're moving in the right direction. I'm new on NF as well, but it's pretty clear that this is a very close knit group that will give you a ton of support. Best of luck--you can do this!

[Mezzo Minx]

You've made the first step dear - it's the next few that will count. Make sure you give yourself a CONCRETE plan of exactly how you want things to happen, especially for what you're going to do instead of that cotton candy ice cream when that day comes. I know it's scary, and it will be hard, but it will be WORTH IT! I'm only new here too, but you're in a safe place here with tons of others all struggling through similar things, and we've got your back. You are a strong woman, and you will be stronger!

[WickedNicki]

You can do it girl! It's possible and you shouldn't have to go through it alone, that's why I love this community because at home I have no support. If you need to rant of just need some support let me know, we Silent Hill survivors have to stick together! Trust me, venting seriously helps!

 

Hey who's your favorite Silent Hill monster? Mine is Pyramid Head, and Valtiel they are awesome! I've never really played Resident Evil is it good?

 

 

 

I'm obsessed with Pyramid Head! I don't know what it is about him, but I want to see what's under the pyramid. And I think if you like Silent Hill games you'll most likely enjoy Resident Evil as well.

[WickedNicki]

You guys are awesome. Thank you very much for the support. It was great to read these first thing in the morning. It gave me the spirit to get up and actually DO stuff today. I got a lot done!