Romantic Relationships and Lifestyle Changes

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I can completely relate to seeing another couple and feeling that twinge of loneliness and envy. It doesn't happen to me when I'm seeing shows locally, as I'm only away for a few hours, but whenever I travel for music I struggle with this still. Having different interests definitely involves some relationship trade offs.

 

Interesting story about the kayak girls. My thought is this: not all athletic guys are willing to wait around for their slower/less athletic girlfriends. I dated a certified personal trainer once and he refused to go to the gym with me even though I clearly needed some help and guidance. This thread is making me realize that all relationships are kind of weird, really. 

[Haikoo]

I love this thread!

 

As I have been becoming more fit over the last few years, I've run into the same kinds of struggles. The trying to decide what I should and should not say has been difficult. I never want to come off nagging, but at the same time, I DO care if hubby is fit. I want him around for the long haul, and he's a lot less likely to be when he is not healthy.  The other physical benefits of him being fit would be a welcome bonus. I'm not going anywhere, either way.

 

That being said, I try not to say a lot about it and over time he has taken more interest as he has watched me see some results. He is even on NF, though he doesn't have a lot of time for the forums. 

 

I do agree with a few others when they say it's only going to happen when/if they are ready and want it themselves.

[katastrophenkatzchen]

Taniku, you are my heroine (female hero- heroine just sound so wrong! Oo)

I can't do that at the moment, I really have an ill temper and would have be very much not nice to someone how would tell me things like your boyfriend did.

My thought is this: not all athletic guys are willing to wait around for their slower/less athletic girlfriends.

Basically, this is what happens to me all the time I try to do something sportive with my boyfriend. He's not very fit, but used to walk way faster than me! Really a big trouble if we do grocery shopping or walking or catching the bus/train whatever.

He says it hurts to walk as slowly as I do (some back issues).

Riding the bike is basically the same.

 

But if you do something together, you don't need to do all things together. I adopted his love for WoW ( and boy, am I hooked on this) and he plays the What-if game with me. (What if we had the money to build a house right now and walking trough IKEA looking at furniture that meets our taste or not and talking about it)

 

I still am struggling with said tempo issue and some other things to discuss are always there but to me you don't HAVE a happy relationship, you are constantly WORKING on your happy relationship.

It's not a gift you deserve it's the prize of the effort you put into it.

[Buff Brogan]

in my last relationship i had a similar issue. 3 years and some months ago i met my now ex-girlfriend. when we met she smoked, i was a chain smoker. she drank a glass of wine, i drank a bottle of whiskey. she had a glass of soda, i had 6 cans. so needless to say, i was destroying myself at a much more rapid pace. then this wonderful thing happened and i decided to quit smoking and get in shape. i went from 2 packs a day to none(not overnight, but you get the picture). stopped drinking sodas and started to exercise... a lot. over the course of our relationship i started doing more and more physical activities. lost some pounds was feeling decent. she never appeared overweight, not to me at least, but complained of being overweight so she joined my gym. we lived together and trained together for a while. she made virtually no other changes to her lifestyle and essentially stopped going to the gym. so then, i was spending much of my free time there in stead of with her. then, and i am by no means blaming her for my decisions, i started slacking off and picking up my old bad habits(not smoking luckily) to be home more often. i tend to be an all or nothing person, so she could eat a slice or two of pizza and i'd eat the whole damn thing. as out time apart, both from differing schedules and gym time and other extracurricular activities, had created a strain on our relationship. we fought more often, largely due to our time apart i think. i feel like we grew apart, and too far apart for me to save it. all of that, a terrible break up and me starting over in my fitness journey, and finding NF , brings me here. i think we are both happier now than we were then. we've been a part for a year and she seems to be doing well-and i hope she is- and i can't readily complain about anything that anyone else couldn't complain about either. just wish i didn't wait so long to get back into trying to get in shape lol. we just happened to be headed for two totally different paths. 

i DO believe things can workout for people with differing interests, but it takes a lot of give and take and communication. i am just one bad experience out of many others. but as seen earlier on this thread:

 

Background: I've been married 6 years and with my spouse for 9 years. 

 

I actually see two separate issues here, so I'm going to address them separately. 

 

Issue #1: lack of common interests:

 

My spouse and I have few common passions. He loves nature and the outdoors. I go fly fishing with him but I'd never take an entire trip that was centered on fly fishing. I love music. He will go to some shows with me but the entire jam scene is lost on him and most jam music sounds like pure noise to his ears. There are tons of things we both like doing together: walks, hikes, movies, cooking, drinking wine, playing board games, playing video games. However, our individual passions, what really feeds each of our souls, are kind of lost on the other person. 

 

I think whether this can work or not honestly depends on the individual couple. For us, it works. It works BEAUTIFULLY, especially now that we have children. I can send him fly fishing for a weekend, and he can send me on a Phish run for a weekend and we are both more than happy to do this for one another. However, this takes an amazing amount of compromise to work well. It also requires putting emphasis on spending time together to keep our relationship healthy. We plan date nights with activities we mutually agree on. I occasionally strap on my waders and go fly fishing with him, and he occasionally catches a live show with me. Probably the single most important thing is that neither one of us holds resentment for the other's passions. I know that duck season is going to come every single year, and I'm okay with that because I know how happy it makes my spouse. He knows I'm going to want to take off for a weekend or two every year for tour runs and festivals and he sends me with a smile on his face. Communication, and the fundamental understanding that you absolutely cannot change the person your partner is at the core, is the only way this will work for anyone.

 

, differing tastes do not mean that things can't work out. just know when to give, when to take, and the like. i know there are things i should have done differently, but didn't have the foresight to do. i wish you all the best. i hope this story didn't drag on too long or down too much. i'd just rather others learn from my mistakes.

hope this helps.  

[KBLynx]

Sometimes we are the most frustrated with others when we are most frustrated with ourselves. Things that start to bother us are reflections sometimes. In your journey for fitness have you been discovering things about yourself that you don't like? Digging up old issues? sometimes a journey, especially a tough mental one can drag up a supreme amount of feelings that need attention. You are on a mission and you want your partner to walk with you in this-understandable!-but is there perhaps a negative rather than inclusive vibe that you are giving off (even without meaning too?). I'm not saying this is your fault, but I think that there are things you can do to better yourself AND make your partnership more inclusive.

 

Enjoy your journey and make it easier for her to follow you, and maybe someday walk next to you.

[jfreaksho]

My wife and I are on the same page with a lot of things, and she verbally agrees with my fitness concepts, but we have a few issues:

1.  She doesn't do it.  There's always some excuse- she doesn't like going alone, she's too tired, the gym is too crowded this time of day, her back hurts too much, yoga classes are at inconvenient times, and she doesn't like the instructor anyways.... She also has postural issues that are causing back pain, and refuses to take time off work to go see a doc or chiro to actually start fixing it.

 

Now that I think about it, that is the only issue.  She complains about being unfit and her clothes not fitting well, but isn't willing to do anything about it.  Any excuse to meet friends for dinner or go out for drinks ("It's dinner time and I'm having a glass of wine.")  She knows what to do, what to eat, what she likes, what works for her, but she doesn't do any of it.

 

She is uncomfortable/in pain/dissatisfied but won't invest the time or money in herself to get better.  She has been fit.  She has been without back pain (or at least less than lately).  None of these issues are terribly serious, but are getting worse.

[MogiShade]

I was reading this article today (at trailrunnermag.com) and it reminded me of this thread.
 

I love knowing that from 5-6 he’s sweating his ass off doing Elizabeths or Annies or Fight Gone Bads while I’m getting home from work and lounging on the porch. He’s always really proud of me when I stumble into the house looking like I was hit by a smelly, sweaty truck and tell him how many miles I just ran. Sometimes, I think the support for each other can be more important than the actual activity.

It makes sense that dating someone who also enjoys the things you do is easier than dating someone with different ideas of what’s fun, important and worthwhile. That being said, I’m not looking for someone exactly like me, because, well, that’s weird. But also because that’s not the point of finding a partner. I’m pretty sure a partner is someone who’s supposed to complement you and your life, not be your twin (although that apparently doesn’t stop us from wearing matching shirts from time to time).

[Hit]

My partner and i both struggle with body issues, but weve made a pretty concentrated effort to get healthy and fit in the last year or so. To begin with wed go walking together, which was really fun and gave us time to connect and destress every day. Then that became running, and suddenly doing it together wasnt fun. We couldnt talk about our days or share the experience, it was just head down breathe deep get through it. Now we work out seperately, and that works a lot better for our overall fitness and we both feel better.

I enjoy having hobbies that i dont share with my partner, im able to make friends with people from other circles and be myself. Not spend my time dragging him around and making sure hes having fun. We do find time to spend together, but thats usually dinners and dates or cuddling on the couch.

Definitely second having your partner learn with an instructor or a class before joining you on a skilled activity like rock climbing or kayaking. Most people struggle the first few times, and being the weakest member of a group sucks. Watching everyone else outpace you is demotivating and definitely not fun. But learning with a group of people of a similar skill base and from a competent instructor is great!

[TheOtherScott]

Honestly, I think the offer of "my fitness can give you more free time" is a big help, if you can swing it.

 

My wife doesn't run, and is at home with the baby while I'm at work.  So I run with the baby at least once per week, which frees up time for her to pursue her own hobbies.  But if I insisted on running alone on my days off while she has the kid, we'd have trouble.  There's give and take.