Ba Dum Tiss (Bad Joke Thread)

[Mark D]

How are some people like Slinkies?

 

They serve no useful purpose, but you can't help but smile when you watch them tumble down a flight of stairs.

 

 

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None.  That's a hardware problem, call an engineer.

 

 

How many Episcopalians does it take to change a light bulb?

 

What do you mean CHANGE?  My grandfather installed that light bulb!

 

 

How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None, they use candles.

 

 

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

One, but the lightbulb has to WANT to change.

[Mark D]

A dog goes into a bar in the old West, limping on one leg.  He says to the bartender "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw"

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Jethro and Herschel are out fishing in the middle of a huge lake, when suddenly Jethro finds a bottle floating in the water.  He opens it up, and out pops a genie, and says:

"For freeing me from that cramped confinement, I shall grant you one wish."

Jethro goes "Well hell n'stead of floatin' on this here lake uh' water, I wish we was floatin' in a great big ol' lake uh' beer."

The genie disappears, and sure enough, the two men are floating in huge lake of Budweiser.

Herschel goes "Jethro you dumb-ass!  Now we gotta piss in the boat."

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Here's a classic from Henny Youngman:

Lawyer's talking to this widow, and he says "Did you know your husband left you 12 million dollars lady?  12 million dollars, and he couldn't read or write?"

She goes "Yeah he couldn't swim either."

[Tomu-san]

Jethro and Herschel are out fishing in the middle of a huge lake, when suddenly Jethro finds a bottle floating in the water.  He opens it up, and out pops a genie, and says:

"For freeing me from that cramped confinement, I shall grant you one wish."

Jethro goes "Well hell n'stead of floatin' on this here lake uh' water, I wish we was floatin' in a great big ol' lake uh' beer."

The genie disappears, and sure enough, the two men are floating in huge lake of Budweiser.

Herschel goes "Jethro you dumb-ass!  Now we gotta piss in the boat."

Budweiser?!?! I thought Jethro asked for BEER!

 

Which reminds me:

How is American beer like making love in a canoe?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Warning: foul language!

They're both fucking close to water.

[SevenofSeven]

Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat.

Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE. ...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET....

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his feckin' henglidin'

[Artinum]

All I can say is, thank goodness none of them considered cockfighting.

[Bob the Bardbarian]

I did a good deed the other night.  I was sitting at a bar, and the guy next to me falls off his stool.  I figured I'd be a guy nice, so I got the guy's address from the bartender.  I dragged the guy out to my car, and got him in the backseat.  Got to the address, pull open the door, and he falls out.  I pick him up, drag him over to the door, and ring the doorbell.  His wife answers the door, and she goes:

"Where the hell is his wheelchair?!?"

[Bob the Bardbarian]

Guy walks into a doctor's office and says "Doctor, my sex life sucks.  How can ya help me?"

Doctor says "Lose some weight.  Lose 20 pounds, and jog 10 miles a day."

Guy calls up 2 weeks later.  He says "Doctor, I'm down 20 pounds, and I've been jogging 10 miles a day."

Doc says "That's great.  How's your wife doing?"

"I don't know she's 140 miles away."

[Bob the Bardbarian]

This guy's playing golf, and he hits his ball deep into the woods.  He goes looking for it, only to find a leprechaun sitting on it, with snarky little smile on his face.

The leprechaun asks "Would you give up 10 years of your sex life, if I let you make a hole in one?"

The golfer agrees.

The leprechaun asks "Would you give up 10 more years of your sex life, if I let you make another hole in one?"

The golfer agrees.

The leprechaun asks "What's your name?"

"Father O'Malley."

[Bob the Bardbarian]

A travelling salesman is looking for a place to stay for the night, and happens to come across a farm.  The farmer says he can stay, but he'll have to stay in the barn.  After a restful nights sleep, the salesman awakes to find the farmer making breakfast in his kitchen.

The farmer asks "So, did you have a good night?"

The salesman replies "Yeah, I talked to all the animals."

The farmer becomes puzzled.  "You talked to all the animals?"

"Yeah I spoke with the horse.  He says his name's Otis, and you've owned him for 12 years."

The farmer replies "My goodness!  That's exactly right!"

"I spoke with all the chickens.  They said you collect their eggs every other morning at 5:30."

"Right again!  That's amazing!"

"Then I spoke with your cow.  She said her name's Betsy, and you milk her every morning at 6:45."

"That's incredible!"

"Then I spoke with the sheep, and-"

"THOSE SHEEP ARE A BUNCH OF DAMN LIARS!"

[Bob the Bardbarian]

What you call a psychic little person on the run from the cops?

...

...

...

A small medium at large.

[Jittersthe.Clown]

JJ hit me with this one last night:

What's in the middle of Paris?






The letter "r"

[Ojara]

What do you call a bunch of blondes in a freezer?

 

Frosted flakes

[Mike_d85]

What did the baked potato say to the sweet potato?

 

"I only have eyes for you."

[Mike_d85]

Two flies are flying through the woods and they come across a big pile of manure a farmer has dumped.  They get excited, fly down and feast as much as they can.  The flies try to take off, but they're too full.  They see a shovel stabbed in the manure pile and one fly goes: "Hey, how about we climb up the shovel and jump off?  That way, we'll have momentum and we can get flying."  The other fly agrees.

 

They both jump off the shovel and die.

 

(Spoiler for language):

The moral of the story is that you shouldn't fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Two flies are flying through the woods and they come across a big pile of manure a farmer has dumped.  They get excited, fly down and feast as much as they can.  The flies try to take off, but they're too full.  They see a shovel stabbed in the manure pile and one fly goes: "Hey, how about we climb up the shovel and jump off?  That way, we'll have momentum and we can get flying."  The other fly agrees.

 

They both jump off the shovel and die.

 

(Spoiler for language):

The moral of the story is that you shouldn't fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

[Tomu-san]

A lady goes on a game show, and the host asks, "For $1,000, who was the first man?"

 

The lady says, "That's easy! Adam!"

 

And the lights flash, the bells ring and the crowd cheers!

 

The host says, "That's right! Now, do you want to keep your $1,000, or try for $5,000?"

 

The lady says, "I'll try for $5,000!"

 

The host asks, "For $5,000, who was the first woman?"

 

The lady yells out, "That's easy! Eve!"

 

And the lights flash, the bells ring and the crowd cheers!

 

The host says, "That's right! Now, do you want to keep your $5,000, or try for $10,000?"

 

The lady says, "I'll try for $10,000!"

 

The host asks, "For $10,000, what was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

 

The lady thinks for a second, and says, "Wow, that's hard!"

 

And the lights flash, the bells ring and the crowd cheers!

[Mark D]

What do you call 1,000 lawyers chained together on the bottom of the ocean?

 

A good start.

 

 

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are camping.  Sherlock says "Watson, notice the stars overhead.  What do they mean to you?"

 

Watson replies "Well, my spiritual aspect notes that I am but a small mote in the Cosmic vastness.  My scientific aspect knows that each star is a sun around which there may be planets and other beings.  My religious aspect notes that all things serve the Creator."  Sherlock replies "Watson, someone stole our tent."

 

 

How can three big people fit under a small umbrella without getting wet?  it's not raining.

[Mark D]

A hypnotist is doing a show for a large audience in a theater.  He tells them "I'll swing this pocket watch back and forth, as I do so you will get sleepier and sleepier until you enter a state in which you will do anything I tell you."  He begins swinging the watch, saying "you are getting sleepy, you are open to my commands, you will now do as I say...."  then the watch slips from his fingers, lands on the floor and breaks.  He yelled "Crap!".  It took them three weeks to clean the theater.

[Mark D]

Patricia Mack is a loan officer at a bank. One day a frog comes in, introduces himself as Kermit Jagger, explains that Mick Jagger is his father, and says he'd like a loan to make improvements to his pond. When asked what collateral he had to offer, he handed her a small ceramic elephant.

 

 

Ms. Mack had no idea what to do, so she went to the bank manager and told him the story, ending with "...and he gave me this thing as collateral, I don't even know what it is!" The bank manager replied: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

 

 

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

 

 

 

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is only a whim away.

 

A whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

[Artinum]

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

This has all the hallmarks of a Pearls Before Swine comic.

[Ojara]

A blonde and a brunette jump out of a plane, who lands first?

 

...

 

The brunette

 

...

 

The blonde has to stop and ask for directions.

[Mitchilich]

.

[Mitchilich]

.