Introverts, Social Misfits and the Terror of Talking to People

[IslandGirl_Becks]

Good stuff:

 

...

 

Not all successful CEOs are extroverts

 

The TED talk at the end of this USA article is great

[Machete]

Talk about pressure. Though sometimes I feel I'd rather take death over rejection.

 

[Bekah]

Talk about pressure. Though sometimes I feel I'd rather take death over rejection.

 

at least you dont live a life of sub par relationship status bc you arent ever good enough. So yeah death is a mercy

[Phytomancer]

Talk about pressure. Though sometimes I feel I'd rather take death over rejection.

 

 

 

at least you dont live a life of sub par relationship status bc you arent ever good enough. So yeah death is a mercy

 

I don't know. After a few rejections you just stop caring. What's gonna be the worse? She'd come at me with a butterfly knife because I accidentally mentioned my insecurities on a first date?

 

Wait...

 

Okay, maybe I get it now.

[Rurik Harrgath]

Rejection is part of life.  Whether failing at job interviews or with the opposite sex, it's just something that is inevitable no matter how charming, charismatic, or good looking you are.

 

Roll with the punches, keep your chin up, and eventfully you'll build a good backbone and some confidence that will serve you well no matter the aspect of your life.

[Machete]

^ Except for the Peacock Spider's.

[kaelvan]

So how do I get over the fear of actually sticking to social plans with friends (can't seem to get "comfortable" again with the idea of hanging out with people)? I already feel like bailing for my friend's art show. And doing the same with hanging out few NF members next week. I'm just not use to people anymore (after becoming basically a recluse because of my mom's fears of everything).

[Artinum]

There are essentially two ways to conquer any fear:

 

1. The "sink or swim" technique - you throw yourself into a situation where you have no choice but to face the thing you're afraid of, if necessary removing all possibility of escape or avoidance. Public declarations are a common method used by, for instance, people terrified of bungee jumping or similar. If they back out, the social impact is considerable.

 

This method is fast, but bloody terrifying. One major issue - if you really can't handle the event in question, it can make things worse. Best used with caution and with a friend on hand to pull you out if things go to cack.

 

2. The acclimatisation method - a slow and steady progression, getting you used to the thing you're afraid of by degrees. Slower, but the likelihood of a panic attack is drastically reduced. The tricky part here is to ensure you keep making progress - having a third party assess how you're doing and ramp up the difficulty as appropriate is better than trying to manage it yourself, as there's a strong possibility of going too fast (and then regressing) or of stalling (getting stuck at a set level of (dis)comfort, not pushing further).

 

--

 

For your friend's art show, I'd suggest you commit to the simplest and most basic of things - turn up, say hello, leave. If you turn up and feel okay, you can stay as long as you want. If it's too scary, slip into Beast Mode for the minute or so it will take to go in, and then leave satisfied that you've done it.

[Phytomancer]

So how do I get over the fear of actually sticking to social plans with friends (can't seem to get "comfortable" again with the idea of hanging out with people)? I already feel like bailing for my friend's art show. And doing the same with hanging out few NF members next week. I'm just not use to people anymore (after becoming basically a recluse because of my mom's fears of everything).

 

I'd go for sink or swim. You strike social plan with friends.

 

Of course, it's going to be horrible. Your lipstick will run. You will forget to shave one of your legs. I don't know. Lady's stuff. Maybe you'll stutter and then spill drink on your friend's white carpet and flatulant enough in a skirt to make a Monroe post. Maybe you'll forget to wear pants--stuffs on your nightmare.

 

But it won't be the end of the world.

 

Lower your expectation of excellence. Be weird. Woman up and go already.

 

I know it's the topic about how nervous you get when you talk to people, but humans still want some company up to a point. I think you should try and not run away. You should face it. I know it's scary, but I promise you that it won't hurt you in the long run... unless you decided to announce that you're a member of KKK, or something like that.

 

You ain't in KKK, are you? Because if that is the case, I'm definitely a descendant from Mayflower Pilgrims... Yeah, I think my grandparents are definitely all British.

 

Joking aside, I think you can do it. Don't worry.

[Elastigirl]

I'd go for sink or swim. You strike social plan with friends.

 

Of course, it's going to be horrible. Your lipstick will run. You will forget to shave one of your legs. I don't know. Lady's stuff. Maybe you'll stutter and then spill drink on your friend's white carpet and flatulant enough in a skirt to make a Monroe post. Maybe you'll forget to wear pants--stuffs on your nightmare.

 

But it won't be the end of the world.

 

Lower your expectation of excellence. Be weird. Woman up and go already.

 

I know it's the topic about how nervous you get when you talk to people, but humans still want some company up to a point. I think you should try and not run away. You should face it. I know it's scary, but I promise you that it won't hurt you in the long run... unless you decided to announce that you're a member of KKK, or something like that.

 

You ain't in KKK, are you? Because if that is the case, I'm definitely a descendant from Mayflower Pilgrims... Yeah, I think my grandparents are definitely all British.

 

Joking aside, I think you can do it. Don't worry.

Phyto is right. I do the thing where I hibernate for a while and be all antisocial, and get myself in a funk about meeting with people. Really the only thing to help break the pattern is to just do it. You can make deals with yourself- I only have to stay for 15 minutes- after I do that I can be a total introvert and hide from the world for 2 days- or whatever helps.

The other thing that helps is to find situations that help you feel most comfortable. Maybe picking one other friend to hang out with when you go to the art show, or buying a new shirt to go with the haircut, so you feel awesome.

[TMedina]

Never take the counsel of your fears.

 

Which is easier said than done, I realize.  But sometimes you just have to shove all the whining fears into a box, toss that box in the closet, and go do the damn thing.

[redimagination]

Sink or swim is what I've always done to make me do social things I'd rather not do. Most of the time it turns out good as long as I have an escape strategy or a way to escape certain scenarios. Going to the bathroom is usually a good shout though one that can't be used too often without starting to cause concern.

But if I hadn't learned to do that I would not have met any of my friends or my partner (who is very good at dealing with my introvert-ness)

[kaelvan]

I think that's probably what I did with getting my haircut. And help had some clothes with me just in worst case scenario my parents decided 'today was the day to finally kick me out'. I think I worry about too many stupid things (get it from living in my household for too long...everything is going to kill me).

[Sympatico]

I've been part of another community online.... errr... I've been signed up to another community forum for a while might be the better way to put this. NF has had the advantage where I lived in a town of less then 100 people but I was still able to pursue fitness goals but socialising was near imposable, even when I wanted to.

New town now and I'm still thinking it might be a little on the small side for my long term goals. It'll work for a couple of years though, I hope. So my new plan and goals are going to encompass mastery over my social life as well as my physical being.

 

I don't want to say what the other community is at this point as they have a few very negative connotations in some places and I don't wished to be placed in such boxes if I can avoid it. I will say however that they offer knowledge and experience based in social mastery. They teach and give advice on how to advance though social situations while not pushing you to any specific end, as it were. They provide the information and let you decide on how to act with it for the most part. Although there is a rant every now and then about the lack of morals and ethics others in the community hold and follow. They attempt to groom people towards positive social outcomes for both themselves and others involved with the social interaction.

Boiling it down, they promote you to "become the best version of yourself" usually by the method of small steps over time, what works for you and falling back on the good old "fake it till you make it". Like most things, there is a lot more to it then that though. I have found great comfort with them and look forward to starting my journey in earnest with them as I move from what they refer to as an "armchair specialist" (NF calls then "underpants gnomes"  ) to a social master.

 

 I could say a lot more about them but feel I have gone far enough for now or else I'm going to start sounding like an advertisement. (I tend to do a similar thing with NF when I start talking about it)

 

 - Sympatico

[Machete]

I'm afraid of heights. So I signed up for Airborne duty. I was first jumper on my first jump, and as I waited for that green light, I ignored what they all told me and stared right down at the ground a quarter-mile down. '"Yep. This is totally happening." Sink or swim. I never really got over that fear.

 

Fear will be there, but ultimately you're just going to have to buck up and power through the experience. Social interaction is one of those tolls that everyone has to pay in order to exist in society. It's like eating Brussels Sprouts--although some weird deviants enjoy it, to others it may be unpleasant. But if you've committed to eating it, you're eventually going to have to just shove that shit in your mouth and wait out the unpleasantness.

[Artinum]

I don't want to say what the other community is at this point as they have a few very negative connotations in some places and I don't wished to be placed in such boxes if I can avoid it. I will say however that they offer knowledge and experience based in social mastery.

 

Sounds like a PUA group. No judgement here - you can learn a lot from such sites. How you apply that information is what determines your "morality". I'd love to take a peek, but if you're unwilling to post it publicly I'd appreciate a PM.

 

(No, I'm not looking to become a PUA - I'm happily married, and to another dude!)

[Phytomancer]

Hey, I got a small problems for us introvert to solve.

 

I am an introvert who coats himself as and extrovert. I have this roommate. Last year, he and I are pretty close. We spent a lot of time together. Last August, two dear friends moved out and one cool girl moved in. Us three get along pretty well.

 

My male roommate then prepared for his PhD dissertation, and got serious about the work. He stopped working out, and when I was trying to ask how his day was, like before, he would shut me down and never looked at me. One day, when I tried to find out if he was okay, he told me that I was bothering him too much, and I should give him some space. I totally got it, and I backed off. 

 

But even now that I didn't talk to him half as much, he still seemed to be mad at me about something I have no idea. While he exchanges pleasantry with out female roommate, he would breeze past me like I don't exist. I say hi to him a couple times, and all I get is silence. He still cooks for the house (I clean, that's how we split work) and still invite me to parties he holds every now and then. In the party, he'd act like nothing is wrong between us. But when everyone leaves he radiates ice power and says nothing to me, not even if I started a conversation.

Maybe he's just himself and he just needs to think through some dissertation problems? Maybe he is mad at me about something and expect me to know what it was? I promise I never say 'HEY LISTEN' twelve time and hour. I'm just a normal dude. I'm overthinking this way too much, but I pride myself to be a likable guy. I want to know if there is something wrong with him or with me. He's my close friend.

 

I wish I had one of those ability to read people's mind when I choose. People are so difficult to deal with. 

[Artinum]

Sounds to me like he's pissed at you for some reason. It may not even be something you've done, but he seems to be expecting you to apologise or something. Have you asked him what's wrong?

[Br0din]

Sounds to me like he's pissed at you for some reason. It may not even be something you've done, but he seems to be expecting you to apologise or something. Have you asked him what's wrong?

 

Did you sleep with or cock-block him with the female roommate?

[Phytomancer]

Sounds to me like he's pissed at you for some reason. It may not even be something you've done, but he seems to be expecting you to apologise or something. Have you asked him what's wrong?

 

I have. He asked me to leave him alone.

 

 

Did you sleep with or cock-block him with the female roommate?

No... If they want to have sex, I'd totally support it. They both are so stressed out they need some relieve.

[Br0din]

Its sad, but sometimes people grow apart.  I suspect something did happen and you missed it or didnt think anything of it and he won't tell you.  

 

I would take the be nice, be ready to listen when he is ready (if ever) to tell you, and be ready to move on plan.  

 

My best buddy in College and I are estranged and I have no idea why, it sucks, but what can I do?  He blocked every type of communication I've tried to send him.   

[Phytomancer]

Its sad, but sometimes people grow apart.  I suspect something did happen and you missed it or didnt think anything of it and he won't tell you.  

 

I would take the be nice, be ready to listen when he is ready (if ever) to tell you, and be ready to move on plan.  

 

My best buddy in College and I are estranged and I have no idea why, it sucks, but what can I do?  He blocked every type of communication I've tried to send him.   

 

Thanks. That's very possible. We're moving out in a few months, and this place belonged to him for the past 9 years. Maybe it takes some emotional tolls on him, and he relates me to living here somehow?

 

I guess I'd be okay with drifting apart slowly. For now, I'll keep hanging out with him only when invited.

[TMedina]

I don't know you or the roomie, but sometimes things just have to be brought to a head.

 

"Dude, you're being pissy.  If it's something I did, grow a pair and tell me.  If not, stop being an ass."

 

Fair warning - I also subscribe to the notion of not picking fights you aren't prepared to, well, fight.  

[Phytomancer]

I don't know you or the roomie, but sometimes things just have to be brought to a head.

Thanks for the advice.

 

Also, I can't do that... I-- I translated this into an American slang and the sentence takes a whole new meaning.

 

Is there somebody under 18? Can I explain it here?

[TMedina]

I have to admit, I don't react well to passive-aggressiveness, so take my advice with a dash of salt.

 

Slice of lime, optional.