Depression

[Glacier]

My diagnoses are chronic major depression and borderline personality disorder. I struggle with conversations, even online, and have been suicidal... a lot.

I never knew what good mental health would even look like, or how it would feel, until recently. I'm not out of the darkness yet, but I think I've figured out my way. Habit training (I love the term "self-directed neuroplasticity") and better nutrition (I absolutely cannot tolerate artificial coloring, among other things...) and the book "The Mood Cure" by Julia Ross have gotten me pretty close to where I want to be. Now I just need to learn how to make some friends, and I'll be set :\

[Amdhiel]

 Now I just need to learn how to make some friends, and I'll be set :\

 

Making friends and having a social life. Good goals! I have the same one and I know we can both do it.

[Candace Koller]

My diagnoses are chronic major depression and borderline personality disorder. I struggle with conversations, even online, and have been suicidal... a lot.

Now I just need to learn how to make some friends, and I'll be set :\

 

I know the feeling. My childhood was full of isolation and I never really picked up any social skills. I've improved a lot as I have gotten older but yet I still have trouble making conversation. I feel like I never know what to say.

[Stonie]

Wow, this thread, you guys... The catalyst that has started to drag me out of my "zombie" state (that's the easiest way of explaining how I've felt the last 5-6 years) was probably NF. The lure of real life stats coupled with tiny, weeny steps that I could dictate myself made me realise that I didn't have to mope through the rest of my timespan without actually enjoying life. I should get to enjoy life too, right? 

 

I related way too much to those comics and the Depression Quest, but while I would have cried and denied it a year ago, now I can step back and see when I'm sinking back into a spiral of doom and gloom and I can be more aware of what I need to do to when I don't feel like doing anything. One thing that made me realise just how far off the path I was were journals and drawing from when I was still a teenager. They made me sad to see and they were mine. Most of those years I don't even remember, nor any of the drawings, or writings that I did. There is a blank in my memory where most of year 11 and 12 of high school should be because I just didn't care, didn't try, didn't sleep, didn't want to think. People just thought I had an odd taste of style and didn't go out in the sun much. (Both true, but for different reasons now!) I didn't care what I did with my life, and I sure as hell didn't truly believe I would even make it past 20 years old. That's not normal! Every year I get older and go "Wait, what?!" Like it's some sort of mistake. 

 

There is still a small part of me that thinks "oh, your case doesn't count, you didn't go to a shrink and you don't even take meds, so it can't be that bad, stop talking." but that's that depression parasite talking again, right? I've dragged myself out of this by my toenails, but with no small amount of help from the community here. 

[Candace Koller]

Everyone counts and depression can definitely have you in denial sometimes. I hate it when outside people try to tell me my case is not a real case or I don't have real problems and yet I find myself saying the same thing to me all the time. It's kind of hypocritical when I think about it.

I'll find myself talking bad about me in ways I would tear someone apart for if I saw them saying it to someone I loved. I think a lot of people can be kind to others much more easily than to themselves.

My goal has been for a long time now to defeat "the girl in the mirror" who still bears the scars. Maybe instead I should be loving her.

[Amdhiel]

Wow, this thread, you guys... The catalyst that has started to drag me out of my "zombie" state (that's the easiest way of explaining how I've felt the last 5-6 years) was probably NF. The lure of real life stats coupled with tiny, weeny steps that I could dictate myself made me realise that I didn't have to mope through the rest of my timespan without actually enjoying life. I should get to enjoy life too, right? 

 

I related way too much to those comics and the Depression Quest, but while I would have cried and denied it a year ago, now I can step back and see when I'm sinking back into a spiral of doom and gloom and I can be more aware of what I need to do to when I don't feel like doing anything. One thing that made me realise just how far off the path I was were journals and drawing from when I was still a teenager. They made me sad to see and they were mine. Most of those years I don't even remember, nor any of the drawings, or writings that I did. There is a blank in my memory where most of year 11 and 12 of high school should be because I just didn't care, didn't try, didn't sleep, didn't want to think. People just thought I had an odd taste of style and didn't go out in the sun much. (Both true, but for different reasons now!) I didn't care what I did with my life, and I sure as hell didn't truly believe I would even make it past 20 years old. That's not normal! Every year I get older and go "Wait, what?!" Like it's some sort of mistake. 

 

There is still a small part of me that thinks "oh, your case doesn't count, you didn't go to a shrink and you don't even take meds, so it can't be that bad, stop talking." but that's that depression parasite talking again, right? I've dragged myself out of this by my toenails, but with no small amount of help from the community here. 

 

Just because you don't go a doctor doesn't make your depression any less real. Some people need the doctors and drugs and other people don't. It just like everything else, the type and amount of support each person needs is very different. IMO, the worst part of depression is the self-inflicted isolation that is typical symptom. I don't know if having people who care about me would have made things any different, but it might have made it easier.

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

There is still a small part of me that thinks "oh, your case doesn't count, you didn't go to a shrink and you don't even take meds, so it can't be that bad, stop talking." but that's that depression parasite talking again, right? I've dragged myself out of this by my toenails, but with no small amount of help from the community here. 

 

Yes! That is the depression parasite. It doesn't matter if you're not seeing a shrink or taking meds. It doesn't matter if there are lots of other people in the world whose lives are much harder--they are completely irrelevant to your situation. It doesn't matter if everyone else can't think of a reason you would be depressed. If something is impacting the quality of your life, whether it seems like it should or not, then it is COMPLETELY relevant and worth tending to.

[Machete]

Well the SAM-e and Zinc don't seem to be working. I was appalled by the degree of indifference that I was exhibiting, and the general sense of helplessness over everything. Personal hygiene has been neglected, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in about a week.

 

One good thing about self-loathing is that every time you look at a mirror or speak, you see and hear the person you hate and know for a fact that his life is equally as shitty as yours. And he deserves every second of it.

[Amdhiel]

Well the SAM-e and Zinc don't seem to be working. I was appalled by the degree of indifference that I was exhibiting, and the general sense of helplessness over everything. Personal hygiene has been neglected, and I haven't had a decent night's sleep in about a week.

 

One good thing about self-loathing is that every time you look at a mirror or speak, you see and hear the person you hate and know for a fact that his life is equally as shitty as yours. And he deserves every second of it.

 

Uhhh... that's totally the depression talking. You don't deserve a shitty life. No one deserves a shitty life. Are you set on only using over the counter options, or do you have access to other options?

[Hit]

 

 

One good thing about self-loathing is that every time you look at a mirror or speak, you see and hear the person you hate and know for a fact that his life is equally as shitty as yours. And he deserves every second of it.

 

that actually sounds horrible. really, really horrible

[Lalie Fanyarendil]

I'm also disagreeing. It sure as hell seems accurate and appropriate to hate the person in the mirror, but it was never even a semi-satisfying kind of hate. Because I could never punish her/me enough for existing. She/I didn't deserve to suck up everybody's clean air and space. There was no way to make her life be as shitty as she deserved. Killing her wouldn't even be enough because somebody would have to clean up a mess and fill out paperwork with the police. Her existence was such an epitome of pointlessness that even trying to extricate it from society would just cause undeserved stress for the people around her. The self-loathing was no good because it was so pointless. I could never hurt her enough, so it was a waste of energy that could be better spent on almost anything else.

 

And I'm gonna stop there. It's been awhile (thank goodness!) since I've felt like that, but I still remember it clearly. Realizing the futility of my mental circle helped get me to ask for help more loudly, but it wasn't easy and that won't be helpful for everybody, or even very many.

[redwoodfog]

<3 to everyone.

 

I have been depressed and am basically having a constant existential crisis. It's so hard to keep healthy habits at times like this, though I know it's probably one of the most important things I can be doing.

[Amdhiel]

Everyone needs one...

 

[Fearkiller]

Everyone needs one...

 

To you too!

 

http://thenicestplaceontheinter.net/

[Candace Koller]

I definitely understand the self loathing. For years I tried to defeat the girl in the mirror who bore all the scars, shame, problems, weaknesses, that I saw in myself. I felt like if I hated her enough then I could destroy her and I wouldn't have to be her anymore. What I discovered was that I can never hate myself into a version I could love. And while I definitely can't say I'm currently following this, if I were able to love her I could help repair the damage she has suffered instead of trying to push her under and destroy what is me, whether I like admitting it is me or not. While I cannot yet feel the meaning of this, in my head I know everyone deserves happiness. Even the girl in the mirror. And one day I hope I can stop self loathing. I hope that day is not one marked by an early grave or a grave at the end of a long, self hate filled life.

[Glacier]

Well the SAM-e and Zinc don't seem to be working.

You might like The Mood Cure. Julia Ross gives info about when and why to try a particular supplement, figuring out dosage, troubleshooting, all that... I know SAM-e is in there.

<3 to everyone.

 

I have been depressed and am basically having a constant existential crisis. It's so hard to keep healthy habits at times like this, though I know it's probably one of the most important things I can be doing.

Yeeees... It's hard to care for your self when you're not quite sure what your self is... Or something... That sounded way better in my head.

::hugs:: everybody!

[Machete]

[Stonie]

 

That is a great representation of my happy and depressed side trying to be friends. Half of me is all sunshine and daisies and the other half just wants to sit in the dark rocking and sucking her thumb. 

[Hong WeiLoh]

If depression were that hawt, she wouldn't be so unbearable, at least for me.

[Candace Koller]

If depression were that hawt, she wouldn't be so unbearable, at least for me.

 

But you can't screw depression, it only screws you over

[Hong WeiLoh]

*shrug* Story of my love-life anyway... (bringing things back on-topic lol)

[Machete]

If depression were that hawt, she wouldn't be so unbearable, at least for me.

 

Maybe she is. People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves. (Palahniuk)

[redwoodfog]

Aaaah. Struggling. I am feeling really guilty about the way depression effects my pup. There are so many times when I'm sitting in front of the computer spacing out or on the couch and I glance over and he's just staring at me with this kind of bored, sad expression (I miiiight be projecting.) Logically I know I am a decent dog parent... we go to puppy socials and obedience class, I take him places, we work on training and I play with him when I can. But I just feel bad that he has to deal with my moping, and I worry that he'll feel sad by proxy. I feel like he deserves a happy-go-lucky person. Now that I type this out, it sounds like typical depressed-person logic, but still, man. (The irony is that after telling myself what a lousy dog owner I am, I am no more likely to get up and play with him and 10x more likely to just sink further into the couch.)

[redwoodfog]

 People fall so in love with their pain, they can’t leave it behind. The same as the stories they tell. We trap ourselves. (Palahniuk)

 

This is so true. On a very deep level, I identify as a depressed/anxious person. Every day I wake up and start up the story, framing everything that happens through the lens of my particular pain, and reacting accordingly. Locking the cycle in place. Hmm.

[Hit]

Redwoodfrog - this song was written for people just like you. Well sorta like you, but with cats.