Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

39 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

That's debatable.

I mean, true. He's a fucking moron. But it's not like we my father could attempt to get legal guardianship and force him to the doctor or something because "yes, judge, I'm aware that I'm tearing apart my esophagus and will likely get cancer in the immediate future, and I know I could get treatment but I don't really feel like it" seems pretty solid? 

 

39 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You can't care for him. 

What do you mean by this? I can't figure out the context. (I feel like I sound combative right now and I'm not trying to be, so apologies if that's coming through.)

 

I 100% have no intention of trying to take care of him in a nurse or parent way. I've told him I'll take him to the doctor and occasionally text him on nights when it sounds particularly bad to say "lmk if you want to go to the ER" but I'm not going out of my way to hold his hand. I'm bitching about it mostly because I'm frustrated and pissed off - yes, I feel bad for him for having this issue because it can't be pleasant to go through this every night for literal years, but it's also affecting me and my father and he doesn't give a shit. There's nowhere in the house you can go without hearing him, except the cellar/garage but I'm not gonna sit in a dank moldy buggy cellar for an hour every night while he does his thing. He's woken my father up before. Plus we've both expressed concern for him and he gets pissy about it. And when he eventually kicks it, we're the ones who will have to deal with it. (He won't even take 10 minutes to go to the bank and add a beneficiary to his account so we can use his money for funeral expenses and whatnot, because "I'll be dead so I don't give a shit.") So yeah, I'm worried about him but if this is the hill he wants to die on, so be it. I'm just pissed that he's making it our problem too with no recourse.

 

Also I'm low-key worried about him dying and there being an autopsy or investigation or whatever and people trying to point the finger at us for like, neglect or something. I know this is probably an anxiety thing more than anything and not realistic, because again how can you force a 28-year-old who's still able to move around on his own and make his own decisions and hold down a job to go to the doctor if he doesn't want to? He still sees his psychiatrist (I think every 6 months now) but it's been at least a year and a half since he's seen his (pediatric who never forced him to go elsewhere) GI doc, and hasn't seen a GP in much, much longer. Although for whatever reason, the GP he's been assigned but never seen keeps approving refills for whatever medications he's on through that office? An asthma pill at least. He did go to the ER least year because he felt awful and it turned out to be the fucking flu. So he's not 100% against doctors and whatever in general, he just apparently has no interest in treating the acid reflux. Even after seeing my mother go through chemo and all 3 of our grandparents die of various cancers with and without treatment, he's just super chill about "yeah I'm gonna get esophageal cancer and die from it." There was some recent-ish philosopher who died of it and my brother has decided he's going out like that guy, I guess? It's just stressful because I don't want to be held to some legal responsibility while he's 100% cognizant that he's both an asshole and killing himself slowly.

 

Also call me a bitch but I would almost enjoy being executor of his estate so when the collection agencies call I can be like "HAHA THERE'S NO MONEY FUCK OFF!" Won't volunteer for it of course, because my father can take responsibility for something for once in his life, but it would be cathartic. (otoh, if my brother dies before my father we all know I'll wind up doing all the legwork anyway.) 

 

(Definitely bringing this up with my therapist next week. I've talked about his medical issues and the fact that he has no fucks to give, but not about the fact that I worry about repercussions. That's a newer issue for me.)

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

What do you mean by this? I can't figure out the context. (I feel like I sound combative right now and I'm not trying to be, so apologies if that's coming through.)

No worries. I meant your care about him will never be a substitute for him caring about himself. My apologies for the vague nature of the statement.

 

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Also I'm low-key worried about him dying and there being an autopsy or investigation or whatever and people trying to point the finger at us for like, neglect or something. I know this is probably an anxiety thing more than anything and not realistic, because again how can you force a 28-year-old who's still able to move around on his own and make his own decisions and hold down a job to go to the doctor if he doesn't want to?

It is anxiety, but it's a perfectly valid anxiety for you to feel. You grew up with your mother teaching you everything is your fault, so of course there would be some fear that your brother's hypothetical death would be pinned on you.

8 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Definitely bringing this up with my therapist next week. I've talked about his medical issues and the fact that he has no fucks to give, but not about the fact that I worry about repercussions. That's a newer issue for me.

See above.

 

6 minutes ago, fleaball said:

But it's not like we my father could attempt to get legal guardianship and force him to the doctor or something because "yes, judge, I'm aware that I'm tearing apart my esophagus and will likely get cancer in the immediate future, and I know I could get treatment but I don't really feel like it" seems pretty solid? 

I wasn't speaking in a legal sense. There are no legal grounds for getting guardianship of him, true, but just because he can't be declared legally incompetent that doesn't mean he automatically gets a clean bill of mental health either.

 

7 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Also call me a bitch but I would almost enjoy being executor of his estate so when the collection agencies call I can be like "HAHA THERE'S NO MONEY FUCK OFF!"

Don't blame you at all for this one.

 

You're still awesome Flea.

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

No worries. I meant your care about him will never be a substitute for him caring about himself. My apologies for the vague nature of the statement.

No, it's cool. I figured that's what you were going for.

 

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

It is anxiety, but it's a perfectly valid anxiety for you to feel. You grew up with your mother teaching you everything is your fault, so of course there would be some fear that your brother's hypothetical death would be pinned on you.

See above.

Jesus, I didn't even make that connection. Thanks for pointing it out. Now I can get over the "fucking duh" moment before my therapist says the exact same thing next week.

 

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I wasn't speaking in a legal sense. There are no legal grounds for getting guardianship of him, true, but just because he can't be declared legally incompetent that doesn't mean he automatically gets a clean bill of mental health either.

My bad, yeah. In my head I meant "sound mind" = "legally competent" but should have been clearer. 

 

2 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

You're still awesome Flea.

Shhhh, if you keep saying that I might wind up believing it. 

[fleaball]

In other news, I just came across a reddit thread where people were discussing buying cheap fast food when you only have a few dollars left vs buying cheap food to make at home, and somebody commented about how they ate out a lot when they were younger because they had "kitchen anxiety caused by trauma at home" and someone else agreed and whoops I'm crying. Because on some level I figured I'm not the only one with this kind of issue but to see someone bring it up at all, but especially in a subreddit not dedicated to abuse/trauma/etc, is just like... holy shit, validation. 

[fleaball]

You know what’s awesome? When it’s 5am, you can’t sleep, and you have to get up at 8 for a doctor appointment that you totally could have cancelled but decided “eh, I may as well go in and ask some questions.” 

 

Starbucks here I come. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

Shhhh, if you keep saying that I might wind up believing it. 

 

That's the point  

 

Flea's awesome.

 

Remember, you grew up in the same house as your brother. You could have turned out like your brother. You didn't. Why? Because you CHOSE A BETTER PATH.

 

That's what makes you awesome.

[fleaball]

Kill me now. Got maybe 90 minutes of sleep. Currently in a Lyft because I was not walking a mile and a half plus dealing with the subway and certainly not driving myself. Except my driver apparently doesn’t believe in signaling when you’re changing lanes in traffic, and his GPS is sending us a completely ridiculous way into Boston. Argh. And after my appointment I can’t even go home because I’m dumb and scheduled a bra fitting appointment for 2pm D: I am cry. 

 

32 minutes ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

 

That's the point  

 

Flea's awesome.

 

Remember, you grew up in the same house as your brother. You could have turned out like your brother. You didn't. Why? Because you CHOSE A BETTER PATH.

 

That's what makes you awesome.

<3 <3

[Severine]

I would be blowing off that bra fitting like there's no tomorrow! Don't feel like you can't call them and say your plans have changed and you need to reschedule. The staff is paid to be at the store whether you show up or not, so it's not like you're impacting anyone adversely. I think doing a no-show would be a dick move, but calling to reschedule is 100% legit and a thing people do all the time for a thousand reasons. 90 minutes of sleep is a very good reason! Unless you've got a second wind by then and you feel like you're up for it, then bra fit away.

 

Your brother's situation is really messed up. Tank is right as usual - it's normal to have concern for him but you also need to try to let go of the idea that his fate is your responsibility. He's an adult, he knows his options, you've offered support, etc. You have created the conditions for him to have access to help. He needs to decide whether to take it or not.

 

Other thoughts behind a cut for mention of suicidal ideation.

 

Spoiler

So here's the other thing: your brother has a lot of semi-treated MH issues, as we all know, and while he might not be a genius he's not a moron either. He knows his health is at risk. He knows he's doing damage by not seeking treatment and he's explicitly deciding not to.  He even talks about dying from it and how he's okay with it. That means he has probably thought about it a lot, and there's a not-zero chance that the idea actually appeals to him. Like, his quality of life is not great, he seems miserable most of the time, he doesn't have hope for his future being better, etc.  He may see this as his way out without having to do anything drastic. He's framing it as "acceptance of the inevitable" or whatever but we all know it's only inevitable because he's CHOOSING to ignore it. It's a form of self-harm, in my opinion. It's incredibly damaging and upsetting to be around especially when you're in a position where you have to witness it and can't do anything about it. My advice is to focus on how to take care of yourself in this situation. Like, does he always do his gross throw-up ritual at the same time? Would that be a good time to take your laptop to Starbucks and catch up on forum shit, or go driving? And definitely use your therapist to help you square with the idea that this is not your responsibility.

 

[Severine]

11 hours ago, fleaball said:

I would almost enjoy being executor of his estate so when the collection agencies call I can be like "HAHA THERE'S NO MONEY FUCK OFF!"

 

FYI this made me cackle out loud. Like, a proper evil cackle, not normal laughing.

 

Also I agree with Tank that you don't need to worry about the issue of being blamed for anything, especially as he's under the (nominal, at least) care of medical professionals. If you're anxious about it you can ask your new GP next time you see her about situations where someone who is an independent adult would benefit from treatment but won't seek it. She can probably set your mind at ease.

[fleaball]

59 minutes ago, Severine said:

I would be blowing off that bra fitting like there's no tomorrow! Don't feel like you can't call them and say your plans have changed and you need to reschedule. The staff is paid to be at the store whether you show up or not, so it's not like you're impacting anyone adversely. I think doing a no-show would be a dick move, but calling to reschedule is 100% legit and a thing people do all the time for a thousand reasons. 90 minutes of sleep is a very good reason! Unless you've got a second wind by then and you feel like you're up for it, then bra fit away.

We talked about this but for everyone else’s benefit - I desperately need new bras and have been putting off going for months. I’m less concerned about the business if I cancel and more about screwing someone out of a commission. But I’ll live and just pass out immediately when I get home. Because this place is such a pain to get to and I know I won’t come out here if I’m not already in town for something. 

 

59 minutes ago, Severine said:

 

Your brother's situation is really messed up. Tank is right as usual - it's normal to have concern for him but you also need to try to let go of the idea that his fate is your responsibility. He's an adult, he knows his options, you've offered support, etc. You have created the conditions for him to have access to help. He needs to decide whether to take it or not.

 

Other thoughts behind a cut for mention of suicidal ideation.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

So here's the other thing: your brother has a lot of semi-treated MH issues, as we all know, and while he might not be a genius he's not a moron either. He knows his health is at risk. He knows he's doing damage by not seeking treatment and he's explicitly deciding not to.  He even talks about dying from it and how he's okay with it. That means he has probably thought about it a lot, and there's a not-zero chance that the idea actually appeals to him. Like, his quality of life is not great, he seems miserable most of the time, he doesn't have hope for his future being better, etc.  He may see this as his way out without having to do anything drastic. He's framing it as "acceptance of the inevitable" or whatever but we all know it's only inevitable because he's CHOOSING to ignore it. It's a form of self-harm, in my opinion. It's incredibly damaging and upsetting to be around especially when you're in a position where you have to witness it and can't do anything about it. My advice is to focus on how to take care of yourself in this situation. Like, does he always do his gross throw-up ritual at the same time? Would that be a good time to take your laptop to Starbucks and catch up on forum shit, or go driving? And definitely use your therapist to help you square with the idea that this is not your responsibility.

 

I think beyond the legal thing I’m not taking as much responsibility for him as I make it sound here? Because it’s honestly more “go to the doctor because I’m fucking tired of listening to you and don’t want to find your body somewhere in the house!” than “go to the doctor because I’m worried about you.” 

 

Also responding under a cut just in case. 

I definitely realize he’s killing himself in the slowest and probably most painful way possible. Tbh I’ve wondered “if this is clearly your endgame why not just get it over with some other way?” Of course I can’t just ask him that. Once upon a time he planned to do it by taking like all his medication and downing a bunch of liquor, but he claims it was a one-time thing brought on by a combination of new medication + feeling betrayed because his therapist was leaving the practice. I highly doubt that but it’s not like he’ll tell me otherwise. 

 

Unfortunately he typically starts around 11:30pm and goes for like a full hour, getting longer recently. There’s nowhere I can go at that time and driving at that hour isn’t very productive save for Fridays and Saturdays. I’ve thought about getting noise cancelling headphones to block him out but I’m on the fence. I already spend the time leading up to it dreading the entire production so I’m not sure just blocking it out would be that helpful. (It probably would and I’m probably making excuses but there’s just so much bullshit going on in my house that it seems insignificant to try to address this.

 

1 hour ago, Severine said:

 

FYI this made me cackle out loud. Like, a proper evil cackle, not normal laughing.

 

Also I agree with Tank that you don't need to worry about the issue of being blamed for anything, especially as he's under the (nominal, at least) care of medical professionals. If you're anxious about it you can ask your new GP next time you see her about situations where someone who is an independent adult would benefit from treatment but won't seek it. She can probably set your mind at ease.

Always glad to be of service!

 

GP appointment is on Monday so I’ll add it to the list of things to bring up. My father said he asked our old GP (who was not my brother’s doctor) but he never actually told me what she said since he’s physically incapable of finishing a thought. But I’m guessing if she’d said there was something that needed to be done, he would have brought it up long ago and probably made me do it. Also gonna ask my therapist next week anyway but given that she knows about the situation she probably would have told me if there were something I had to do about it. Meh. 

[fleaball]

Also I would like the world to know that my appointment was at 10am and I stressed the fuck out about getting here on time because traffic. 

 

It’s now 11:03 and my doctor just called in a guy who’s been sitting here since before I got here. I expected him to be late as hell which is why the bra appointment is at 2 even though it’s nearby, but I’m still pissed. I’m starving and I need another coffee. 

[Severine]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Also I would like the world to know that my appointment was at 10am and I stressed the fuck out about getting here on time because traffic. 

 

It’s now 11:03 and my doctor just called in a guy who’s been sitting here since before I got here. I expected him to be late as hell which is why the bra appointment is at 2 even though it’s nearby, but I’m still pissed. I’m starving and I need another coffee. 

 

This doctor sucks.

[Sylvaa]

*Puts on technical hat for a moment*

 

To be fair, even if your brother was at a point of being considered incapacitated (where he couldn't make his own care decisions), in a lot of places, he could still have some authority over his own health. So for example, even if a physician prescribed a course of action, as long as he was able to understand the options and risks, you can't make him follow it. 

 

If you are truly anxious about being held accountable for your brother should anything happen to him, you can call the office and speak to his doctor or nurse. They won't be able to comment on your brother's care, but you can totally say, "hey my brother needs to be seen for an appointment because he is throwing up regularly." You could specifically ask if they will document in his chart that this is a concern, however I don't believe they HAVE to do so. But as a SIBLING, you don't have a legal obligation to your brother (note: you can check with your specific state to confirm).

 

Do you have time to get more coffee while the therapist is in with the current patient? 

 

Also, we like when you wear bras  

[fleaball]

Oh my gawwwwwwwwwd this doctor. Knows his shit but is clearly also a professor somewhere because he launches into these huge long explanations of shit. Not necessarily condescending but is also undeterred when I indicate that I understand exactly what he’s talking about and I don’t need the long winded explanation. Argh. Will bitch later. Probably when I get home, but maybe if I get bored killing time before my bra thing. 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

*Puts on technical hat for a moment*

 

To be fair, even if your brother was at a point of being considered incapacitated (where he couldn't make his own care decisions), in a lot of places, he could still have some authority over his own health. So for example, even if a physician prescribed a course of action, as long as he was able to understand the options and risks, you can't make him follow it. 

Cool. I knew this but needed to said anyway. Like the more people that say it the better lol. 

 

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

 

If you are truly anxious about being held accountable for your brother should anything happen to him, you can call the office and speak to his doctor or nurse. They won't be able to comment on your brother's care, but you can totally say, "hey my brother needs to be seen for an appointment because he is throwing up regularly." You could specifically ask if they will document in his chart that this is a concern, however I don't believe they HAVE to do so. But as a SIBLING, you don't have a legal obligation to your brother (note: you can check with your specific state to confirm).

Tbh I think this is why I text him every so often about going to the doctor - so I can show someone “hey look, I tried!” I don’t even know who his GP is, and I’m pretty sure he said the GI office still calls trying to make an appointment so it’s on his record. I’ll poke around and see if I can find what the state says though. Thanks. 

 

1 hour ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Do you have time to get more coffee while the therapist is in with the current patient? 

 

Also, we like when you wear bras  

Problem was I had no idea how long it was going to take. But I was holding out for Starbucks after the appointment. Which I now have but don’t really have any interest in anymore, because that’s how my life works. 

 

Im glad someone likes it, because I haaaaaate them. Womp. 

[fleaball]

Flea has happy boobs. 

[fleaball]

Okay so first the important part: holy shit bras that fit well are incredible. I've been wearing bras that were 38GG that I bought a year ago January. Definitely not a 38 anymore so the underwire was completely murdering me and some of the wires in the side were popping out to the point that I'm pretty sure I've got permanent bruises. Surprisingly I only had to go up to 40GG but goddamn that 2 inches makes a difference. I've never referred to bras as comfortable but I wore one of the two new ones I got (RIP my budget) home from the store and it was bliss. Also I really wanted this one because it's super pretty, but it would probably look hella weird with the tank tops I wear. Boo. Anyway, small victory in that I've gained 40 pounds since I last bra shopped but only needed to go up one band size. 

 

And now on to the saga of the infuriating doctor guy. So yeah, this is the 3rd time I've seen him and he's been super late each time. Today he called me in an hour and a half after my appointment time. (Apparently he's having a house built and got held up early in the morning dealing with an emergency there, then hit traffic because he left later than usual, etc etc... dude just have your secretary call your patients and tell them all to show up 45 minutes later. Ugh.) 

 

Appointment was supposed to be a follow up, because 6 months ago I said I didn't want medication for IBS and wanted to see if diet/lifestyle changes helped it. Well they haven't, but I'm still not interested in the medication. I say something to that effect and explain that I can change my diet but it's been a struggle because depression, but there was a period of 2-3 over the summer where I ate better and felt a lot better as a result so I know that's an option. And me being me, I said something like "as you can see since my weight's gone up, I haven't been eating well." He would've clocked that my weight's gone up anyway, but I really need to stop helping people like that. >_> So then he maths it and my BMI is 41.4, which is morbidly obese (yay!) but he doesn't like that phrase and doesn't use it. Because obesity is a disease and as a founder of the Obesity Center at the hospital he likes to treat it as such and not put the blame/onus/whatever on people and lifestyle/diet/exercise because if it's a disease we should treat it with medication and whatnot. Okay... I'm mostly agreeing but I haven't really heard of medication for obesity beyond like, appetite suppressants and the things that make you shit violently every time you ingest any fat. But I don't get to ask about the drugs, of course, because then he launches into professor mode about it all. I've complained about this before and it's really annoying. He will not be deterred - it didn't matter that I was saying "yup, I know that/have read about that/etc" or literally finishing his sentences in an effort to get him to move the fuck along. Because it basically doubles the appointment time. But anyway.

 

So he launches into this speech about how he won't try to push me into the program because it's my decision and also people struggle with it because the rest of the world tells you it's your fault you're fat and you have to fix it yourself... BUT everything you know about losing weight is wrong. It doesn't matter how many calories you eat, it doesn't matter how much sleep you get or how much stress you're under or how much you exercise. Because your body just knows how much fat it wants on it and it's going to keep trying to maintain that level of fat. So people who lose signficant amounts of weight are always going to gain it back. And like... dude. It's taken me 30 years to get to 260, I promise you this is not where my body wants to be. Not at all. And I thought I read that the set point theory isn't accurate? But I didn't dare bring that up for fear of starting him on another tangent. He just keeps rolling on about how the traditional methods don't work because if you eat fewer calories or burn more with exercise, your body automatically adjusts to compensate and blah blah. (I know this is true to a point and is why people take breaks and readjust their calorie goals and whatnot, but he was making it sound like if I ate 2000 calories yesterday and 1700 today my body will immediately be like "JESUS FUCK WE'RE DOWN 300 CALORIES AND WE ARE AT DEFCON 5!!!!") And then entire time it was weird because it wasn't condescending necessarily, it didn't feel like he was like "you're too dumb to know this shit that I, a doctor, have to tell you." It was more like it was infantilizing, and just very basic explanations that he had to give, basically along the lines of "you're sick and this is why," but similar to "the stork brings mommy and daddy a new baby." I think he went on about it for 10 minutes. He also gave me a lecture at the very beginning about IBS. When I said I still didn't want to try medication "because IBS is just a catch-all diagnosis when you can't find anything else explicitly wrong, right? And medication is just trial and error?" he confirmed that IBS is indeed a catch-all but then went into a long spiel about how there are so many parts of the GI system affected by it and it presents so many ways in different people etc etc etc and I really just wanted to be like "YES. I KNOW. CAN WE MOVE ON?" 

 

I get that not everyone who walks into a doctor's office knows anything about what's going to happen. And not everyone goes home and does their own research after getting a diagnosis. And my science knowledge ended with AP Bio 13 years ago. But I don't get how you can have a patient who says "cool, I understand the main issue here but I have some questions. Also here's my plan for the thing and here are the mitigating factors [I explained the kitchen thing the first time I saw him and mentioned depression repeatedly today] and I'm confident in what's happening I swear to god I have 3 simple questions for you today" and just like, totally steamroll all of that not even necessarily because you have an agenda but because you apparently just like hearing yourself talk. I have another appointment scheduled in 6 months that I really only made just to have since it's impossible to get in with him. I'll likely cancel. 

 

I really should have cancelled this appointment. But I thought it would be better to ask my questions in person a) in case I needed clarification and b.) since he's pretty bad about responding to messages sent through the hospital portal thing. All I wanted to know was 1) given that IBS is basically the ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  of GI diagnoses, will I do any damage if I continue to eat like a teenage boy instead of fixing my diet (since other GI issues get worse if you eat the bad things); 2) I've been on antibiotics twice in 6 weeks, is it worth trying a probiotic to make my stomach hate me less since he scoffed at probiotics before (which he now denies); and 3) I'm definitely not in a place where I can come off my reflux medication right now, but last time he mentioned there's a proper way to do it so should I send him a message when I think I'm ready or make another appointment orrrr what? And I spent 45 minutes in his office to find out the answers I needed were no, maybe, and ehhhhhh well you're not in a position to come off it now so we're not going to talk about it. And it was so frustrating because I definitely lai:d out my questions with like "here's the context for why I'm asking and here's the specific thing I want to know" and I got bio lectures in response each time. Plus I was repeatedly reassured that's it my choice to join his obesity program or whatever but heyyyy let me tell you more about it anyway! (Apparently only like 20-25% of people have success with medication though anyway??)

 

I think I'm going to eventually cancel the follow up with him and ask my GP for a referral to someone else at the hospital if I need it. Dude only sees patients on Friday mornings now anyway so I can always claim I can't take Fridays off or something. But ugh. Hours of my life wasted today, and nearly zero sleep as a result. :/ Sure it was motivation for me to get new bras while I was in town but I was reaching the desperation point on that anyway so it would have happened eventually. 

 

In other news, my brother just informed me that his broken tooth, which broke last year while I was still in DC and should have been pulled then and which has had pieces continue to break off since, lost another piece today so that now everything about the gum is gone and basically just the roots are left, except this tooth was root canaled so they're just hollow. Or something. And he was like "what does one do when..." I don't fucking know, maybe one calls the fucking dentist?? Or takes the referral one got from the dentist last year to go to the tooth-pulling guy whose office is TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY FEET FROM OUR HOUSE and gets the rest of the damn tooth pulled? I warned him it's going to get infected as fuck if it isn't already and he needs to call the dentist before work tomorrow and talk to someone about it, and he just went "meh... maybe." I fucking swear to god if he dies of a fully preventable infection in his mouth I'm going to be pissed just because of the fucking idiocy of it all. Again, I'll drive him to the doctor or dentist or whatever if he wants to go, but I'm not going to stay on his case about it. If he wants to deal with the miserable consequences of an infection leading to his death, so be it. I'm tired of dealing with his shit. 

 

And now it's 9:30, which is a reasonable time to go to bed, so I'm going to try it. Of course I feel like I'm getting a second wind now, so this could suck. Cross your fingers, kids.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Fire that doctor. He's no help to you.

[fleaball]

Hello my name is Flea and I am here with your daily dose of irony.

 

While cleaning (!), my father found an evaluation from a week-long soccer camp I did in the summer between 9th and 10th grade. I'd been playing since 2nd grade, didn't make the high school team the first year, did this camp with a friend thinking we'd both try out again, and then decided not to afterwards - my friend and I were talking about it and realized we didn't really like most of the girls on the team, the coaches had been dicks during tryouts the first year, etc. (My mother was pissed about having spent the money on it. Whee.) Always thought I was pretty good at it, but I never practiced outside of actual scheduled practices and could not run to save my life. Maybe things would have been different if my parents gave a shit and encouraged me to work on my skills on my own.

 

Anyway, the irony. I was looking at the evaluation and the ranks are highest ability, excellent ability, average level, and needs work. Pretty much everything for me was average, but in the excellent category? Composure ("controls feelings and remains emotionally stable") and mental toughness ("receptive to constructive criticism"). ...did they give me someone else's evaluation by accident? I wonder if it's just because I really enjoyed soccer and wanted to keep going. Like, I sprained my ankle in a basketball game in March of 8th grade and my pediatrician sent me to some kind of specialist (idk why it wasn't a terrible sprain) and the soccer season started soon-ish and the lady said I probably wouldn't be able to play. And I started bawling immediately. It wasn't even a conscious thing, like she finished her sentence and the tears just formed on their own. Regardless, I feel like given my history it's super weird for those two categories to have been my highest rated.

[Jean]

I'm mainly here for the support (given the thoroughly awful circumstances, you seem to be doing great so keep at it).

 

I'd say it's not that weird : you're probably comparing yourself to a perfect you, which you can only fall short of. Given the life you've experienced (and are experiencing), composure and mental toughness are things you  have needed way more than most other people do so, even without really noticing, it's probable that you've developped them to very good levels, way above average (even though they can still fail you in your most dire moments but that's because they're really, really, really dire, not because you're not fit to tackle an emotionally normal life).

 

I don't know you, so I can't form any sort of decent evaluation, but I'd say those were earned more than ironic.

 

Good luck on your journey and best wishes.

[WhiteGhost]

Wait, what? Your father cleaned???

 

Not at all surprised you scored high on mental toughness. 

[fleaball]

29 minutes ago, WhiteGhost said:

Wait, what? Your father cleaned???

 

Not at all surprised you scored high on mental toughness. 

Right?! Except it’s not all that momentous because he tries to go through like 10 items per day. Usually winds up being old receipts and shit that should have been thrown away years ago rather than things that actually make a difference. Apparently my soccer thing was in the take out menu drawer? For 15 years? That tracks. 

 

I should have expected to be the only one surprised by that category, I guess. 

 

47 minutes ago, Jean said:

I'm mainly here for the support (given the thoroughly awful circumstances, you seem to be doing great so keep at it).

 

I'd say it's not that weird : you're probably comparing yourself to a perfect you, which you can only fall short of. Given the life you've experienced (and are experiencing), composure and mental toughness are things you  have needed way more than most other people do so, even without really noticing, it's probable that you've developped them to very good levels, way above average (even though they can still fail you in your most dire moments but that's because they're really, really, really dire, not because you're not fit to tackle an emotionally normal life).

 

I don't know you, so I can't form any sort of decent evaluation, but I'd say those were earned more than ironic.

 

Good luck on your journey and best wishes.

Thanks for the support!

[Severine]

Yeah the mental toughness doesn't surprise me at all. Honestly, in its own way, the fact that you're not surprised that we don't agree with your surprise is kind of a good sign? If you have a really clear picture of how other people perceive you (competent, resourceful, etc.) it might just be one step to seeing the same thing.

 

Also: I played soccer too. Halfback, woo! I could slide tackle with the best of them  >.>  I'm honestly surprised we've both never mentioned it before since it seems like you did it for a long time and I did too. I started in grade 6 and then quit the team in grade 11 because it was too much time and I cared way more about getting good grades so I could get scholarships than I cared about winning soccer games (in Canada you can't really get scholarships for sports skill, only academics, except that some academic scholarships want you to be "well rounded" and then it helps to play a sport).

 

I don't know why but my mental image of your father trying to clean 10 things a day is really amusing to me. Like I imagine him opening some drawer with like hundreds of slips of 16-year-old paper, and screwing up his willpower to look at 10 things and throw them in the garbage and then be all, "Phew, my work here is done" and then shutting the drawer. I shouldn't make fun, because of course it's always better to do something than nothing, and you need to build habits little bits at a time, and all that. But...STILL. It's like chipping away at a boulder with a pair of safety scissors.

[fleaball]

5 minutes ago, Severine said:

I don't know why but my mental image of your father trying to clean 10 things a day is really amusing to me. Like I imagine him opening some drawer with like hundreds of slips of 16-year-old paper, and screwing up his willpower to look at 10 things and throw them in the garbage and then be all, "Phew, my work here is done" and then shutting the drawer. I shouldn't make fun, because of course it's always better to do something than nothing, and you need to build habits little bits at a time, and all that. But...STILL. It's like chipping away at a boulder with a pair of safety scissors.

This is basically what he does though. Like there's shit all over the back porch, shit in the dining room, several boxes and bins we through all kinds of shit in when we had to scramble to clean for my mother to come home, surfaces covered in shit... and if you asked me I could look at any one of these places and pull out larger items that are clearly trash or clearly can be donated because we haven't used them in years or have an actual place they could go in the house. And he just gravitates to where there's paper to sort quickly. It's fucking stupid. I mean I understand it's a good starting point, but when your deal with yourself for a year has been "10 things a day" and you're still looking for the super easy wins but then also bitching that the house looks like shit and you can never get on top of it? Step up your game a bit.

 

8 minutes ago, Severine said:

Yeah the mental toughness doesn't surprise me at all. Honestly, in its own way, the fact that you're not surprised that we don't agree with your surprise is kind of a good sign? If you have a really clear picture of how other people perceive you (competent, resourceful, etc.) it might just be one step to seeing the same thing.

I mean at this point I think I just anticipate that if I say anything remotely negative about myself or downplay a positive thing that's been said, you'll all disagree with me. I'm not sure it's the same as internalizing that you're right though lol. But if it is, I'll take it. (Like, I see your logic but I'm not sure I'm at that point yet.)

 

9 minutes ago, Severine said:

Also: I played soccer too. Halfback, woo! I could slide tackle with the best of them  >.>  I'm honestly surprised we've both never mentioned it before since it seems like you did it for a long time and I did too. I started in grade 6 and then quit the team in grade 11 because it was too much time and I cared way more about getting good grades so I could get scholarships than I cared about winning soccer games (in Canada you can't really get scholarships for sports skill, only academics, except that some academic scholarships want you to be "well rounded" and then it helps to play a sport).

I was defense. Couldn't run to save my life but I could kick the ball pretty far down the field. Also lbr I was bigger than a lot of girls so I got in the way pretty well too. And had no fear of falling or getting hurt, which is hilarious now because when I think about doing another OCR I'm like "hmmm... that could go badly." Getting money for other things is a pretty good reasons to stop playing. 

[Severine]

21 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I mean at this point I think I just anticipate that if I say anything remotely negative about myself or downplay a positive thing that's been said, you'll all disagree with me.

 

Haha...fair. But clearly, this many people on the internet can't be wrong...

 

21 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Getting money for other things is a pretty good reasons to stop playing. 

 

Yeah though in case it wasn't obvious, it's not like living in Canada was the thing keeping me from a soccer scholarship    I was solid, and not afraid of absolutely anyone or anything, and my endurance was above average, but I didn't have, like...natural skill with footwork, or burst speed, or agility, or any of the other impressive things the actual great players had.

 

And the fact that you're saying OCRs make you nervous is kind of funny because didn't you basically do one with a busted ankle??