Renate

We've almost begun with the astronomical Autumn, heading into the final quarter of 2024! Last challenge I finally felt ready to be a Rebel again, but it has been a Happening, and emotionally things went from break-through to break-through due to therapy! My last battle log was here:

Honestly, I'm sure all of that wholesomeness, in the way that she presents it, comes from a place of being very much not air-headed, I hope my weird sentence structure at times did not make it sound that way. I do wish I could be more light-hearted consistently like her. Anyway, nice to meet you (again?) sylph!! Will you be joining us for the next challenge? I'm thinking we might be able to offer each other some support in some goals if you'd like it Have a great hump day everyone!!

I've gone back to these yoga videos since I was a teen. With this video, I can give the disclaimer that sometimes the man's voice telling Aruna what to do triggers some rebellion within me. I don't know if that is normal or I am a product of modern feminism, and an engineer mother, but it is what it is 😊

While agree with @sylph that Adrienne isn't for those with zero-floof-tolerance, I do feel like she leans towards the more grounded mindfulness and kindess cues than most air-headed (sorry ) yoginis Now, I know my current thread is very ✨spiritual ✨ I also thought so when I would even avoid Blogilates for the overly delulu / bubbly attitude 😂 Now I low-key want to challenge myself to a daily 30-day challenge to see how it goes 🤔

Haha thanks 😅 Sometimes the way you see celebrities talk with their therapists in movies or Lucifer talking with Linda Thank you dearest Scaly 🥺

What a useless day. I was on the train until late in the evening yesterday, because I had an appointment with the municipality lady at 11 today and I didn't want to leave my fam too early, but aforementioned municipality lady didn't show up. So I could have spend more time with my family and seen my sis off to school this mornig. But I'm happy with the time to myself. Instead I saw some other lady from the municipality and she did not know what to do with me at all, just listened, but I had less odd looks on me than usual. This is good. Either I'm having less and less ticks which make people around me feel uncomfortable and on edge, or less and less paranoic anxious thoughts that oeople think that I'm looking or acting weird, or both. In any case, good signs!! I do not resent anyone, especially not the municipality lady not showing up, and I would have been fine just going home and not being "soothed" by auto-pilot by seeing some random person I had no appointment with! But I suppose it's common policy so people do not feel ignored by the gvt. I think it's good. Just not something I need as a former semi-public employee myself with full understanding how things go sometimes. Anyway I went to my appointment with the GP's psychologist, which was an appointment that was there just in case I still hadn't started with therapy that takes on my types of cases all the time and can offer me PTSD treatment. But we caught up. And I could have some closure to my talks with her, as I continue with my mental health team. And I can call her whenever I need, and see someone in person, if I need that at all. I miss hugs and cuddles sometimes, but in person therapy isn't what I need right now. It's good that it's there, if I need it, and I'm grateful for that. I didn't stock up on snacks, and was irrationally worried about that, thinking I had therapy at 2 PM but it seems I didn't. Then a call with a friend got postponed. And I was done. I made a plan for the rest of the day when I called said friend. It did not get done. I just philosophised with some people in some Discord or another, killing time, hoping I would somehow gain the spoons to do what I wanted to do by meaningless banter instead of just laying for a nap as I had succesfully done before. Or chatting meaningfully with people close to me. I guess I'm still afraid of being myself. Of moving on. What if it's all a sham, yet again. Anyway, when I finally gave up on trying to make my more practical tasks work, I fianlly turned to my more self-development ones, and I hadn't done my daily verse at all with reflections so I did. Then I visited @Elastigirl's Bible Memory Treasure Quest thread and @MezzothePatient had shared an amazing video on the book of Proverbs!! (Sorry for the tag in my chaos of a challenge thread, Mezzo, but have to give credit where credit is due, it's been drilled into me by my old very smart but also very pedantic Academic Writing professor...) The personification of Proverbs as a wise woman was super helpful! I always loved the simplicity and depth of sayings that come from the Bible. I plan to devote more time to those along side my Holy Bibe app studies. While listening to the video I was also doing other things and auto-play brought me this video that is also by the Bible Project's YT channel on Christian wisdom for seeking pace, which was also very educational! And also super duper relevant for me right now. I shall use my thread to comment my personal thougths and experiences in a bit of a wilde (with an e) way, as I allow myself to be center of the Universe here, haha

thank you for this ❤️ ✨ You've got this, Jean! I believe in you!

I just realised I did not respond to the content of your message as an input of a theme to follow, haha, I'm so sorry. My mind is all over the place as you can see, maybe. As Elastigirl I thank you for the ideas! I get a lot out of Proverbs right now and really appreciated the video on it and the Good life. I believe that may align best with what I need right now, facilitated by my Holy Bible app to help me to keep learning how to pray And Elastigirl your Bible reading plan is in Proverbs right now!! I think there's a winner idea and somewhere to start which is most important, anyway 😌 Thank you dears so much I feel like that might happen naturally as well which would be lovely, to hear how everyone applies scripture and what means a lot to them ❤️ Thank you for that suggestion, lovely! Ahhh I'm so hyped that we are getting the ball rolling already

This is so beautiful, and I will have to watch this biopic ❤️ Thank you, Mezzo This will sound silly but there are a few hymns sung in Sister Act that have stuck with me through the years, as I've grown up, though I've never gone to Church regularly Lecrae was recommended me years ago when I first started on my journey to connect with my higher self or the higher power: I really appreciate the Art of Manliness! I used to read a lot from him, but I'm slightly wary of his Mormon background, on the one hand, while on the other I have only heard healthy approaches to life from Brett McKay... I guess I can apprach his articles as I like to approach everything, nowadays, with an open mind and heart and let my intiution guide me.

Wow, I really feel this. It really ties into not giving in to fears, and surrendering your worries to God, for me, as I think I have not listened to His guidance many times out of fear. The desire for comfort, for earthly/illusionary safety. It made me become a version of myself I would have rather never seen myself be. Yet ever since I started following my intuition, and having faith that as long as I walk on the Path (I don't know if this is the right word, in christian context, but it is the word that came to me from my context, sorry if it is confusing!)... all will be right, things have been better and better. ❤️ Very relatable, haha, though I find a large amount of people think I'm weird either way, when I do things with morale or ethics... Either they (of this group) do not believe I have pure motivations until they do, and then find me silly, naive, easily manipulatable. This idea gets affirmed if they succeed because I do not care about something, or not if I have a plan B, C, D until Z for the things I do care about. If I have a particular strength in a certain area, many will simply scoff and find me a goody-two-shoes, only because they would never do something like I do if they had my strength in that area. I gave up.😅 I hope I don't sound arrogant now, either, I know how insufferable I can be, it's just... Tiring sometimes, to explain myself, and I'm realising more and more that I should just work hard in silence most of the time, and open up only when it's safe. Let others think what they think and perhaps that's allowing me to show a little more quirk when it's for the higher good and mention Christ's name. Can I steal this? So simple but effective!!

❤️ Thank you both for sharing!! Sorry for the radio silence! I'm a bit slow with starting the ol' journalling engine back up, or rather, my journalling energy is very much slurped up by my newly started therapy path. Its been nice. This morning's verse was Ephesians 5:1 Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children, and live in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us, a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. I'll spoiler my personal thoughts and prayers because they contain some perhaps TMI mention of sexuality: Moreover, I've been doing better with praising God and Christ for all that I do in their name, as when I was doing things "in the name of the higher purpose of being kind for my own self-respect, for my own heart, for my own version of beign the change I want to see in the world", even when I wasn't cosnciously following the path of Christ, I didn't really share too much. Sometimes, rarely, when it wasn't too much sounding self-righteous, I'd tell people who felt silly for being kind to others who aren't kind to them, I'd say: "Why need someone to be kind in return, why need acknowledgement for it? Sometimes we lose ourselves in pride or seeking external validation, but kindness is something you should do for yourself, for being the person you wish to be." But! In several places, such as colossians 3:17, we are called to do all that we do in the name of Jesus, and give thanks to God: "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Maybe I'm reading into it wrong, but I have been interpreting these things as verbalising that I'm acting in the name of/as a servant of God. I will still try to temper any over-piousness, because deeds speak louder than words, and I truly think someone finding out I am Christian only after they see what I am capable of and what fruits I have in my life, is stronger, anyway... But I'm not going to hide it anymore. I follow the Light, I follow the way of Christ, and that is just as valid to name as any greedy motivation to the deed of others even if some might find it "boring" ❤️

Blahh how is it that it´s already a week since my last update! Therapy was really tough, but, I do feel like I am having growing pains rather than just struggling pains. (Maybe I just was over-exerted from journalling for therapy so I wanted to do other things than just write about what's going on?) I really feel like I'm not just learning new hacks but also learning old ways I dealt with my brain as a kid! I didn't always struggle to focus, I used to be a straight A student before I decided to "rebel against the system" when I fell in love with a man whose mom was a cocaine addict and got him when she was a teenager... Totally different worlds... But why do I always want to save the world by depressing myself about my lucky privilege? It's time to turn that around, no more guilt, but no arrogance, either I should have just let my mother talk into the wind, nodded and waved when she was airing her megalomania; she merely needed a listener and yet I engaged with her. Well how was I supposed to know she was having daily nervous breakdowns for which I should not be taking any responsibility? Now I know Result-oriented thinking requires for you to keep your eye on what you wish to achieve depending on what is possible without spending too much time on the negativity around you I know that now Talk less of what your genuine thoughts are, when on enemy grounds, unless the situation calls for it, do more of what you love I know that now. During the session with the psycho-somatic nurse this morning I suddenly was "trusted upon" with this vision of myself where I am not bothered by anyone's energy because I'm so certain about what my own energy is, again, not in an arrogant way. With my guards up, but observing Also, this is my new favourite speaker I'm a bit scared for the resuming of my PTSD therapy next week because it's supposed to be syncing up the child with in me and helping her mature into the adult I should be But I can do this. Eating well isn't too easy; I'm erratic with it because I have no mental space to think about it, but I do eat all at random I am stretching more, slowly caring for myself again My abdominal muscles all work well, I checked doing some pilates like exercises. All is well. OR will be. ❤️

An assortment of videos I've found useful in the past days! Sorry, two of them are in Dutch! I really love the way in which Morgan Foley spreads awareness about autism ❤️ And I really relate to what she says: "If I really was mean and unapproachable, I would have no problem with people thinking that I am, but I am not!" However, I don't relate to not understanding facial expressions: I don't really have autism, too much, I think. Just a lot of symptoms, (generational) trauma in general, disassociation, emotional dysregulation. I get facial expressions, I get cues in hints, but because of my life, I just expect people to get angry and my brain jumbles. Or I've met and talked to and empathised with so many different people, from so many different cultures and social standings, that I have too big of a reference or framework to pick from when I'm anxious and so stuck in my head that I do not follow my intuition. Sigh it is what it is. We carry on! I had a big eureka/cathartic response during therapy yesterday, i.e. Monday 12th of August, coincedentally exactly relating to communication trauma. I took my meds again today, and I had an appointment this afternoon with the GP (not my GP but one who isn't on vacation) about my blood pressure, because mefen can mess with it, and to talk about the research into a hormonal disbalance. I managed to secure a research into it, even though the GP gave a lot of (gentle) push-back, saying it doesn't say anything, because hormonal levels vary constantly I told him I understand his stance but that I hope he can understand mine that it will give me reassurance if I also have this data point, and thanked for his insight because if the result is "undesirable" I will remember his words that I shouldn't give too much weight to this type of research. He also asked me if the nurse has a studies he can quote for him to read. I'll do him a favour and ask for it as I love knowledge exchange! Anyway I've been trying to write a good, structured update all day so I'm going to press "Submit reply" and try again tomorrow morning, haha

Thought this might excite you wonderful (Fitness) nerds here as well; the Bible app has been posting video bits on the Daily Verses by Olympic Athletes This Teaching Clip made me think of you. Watch Psalm 105:1 by Athletes in Action: https://www.bible.com/en/videos/46554?orientation=portrait&utm_content=STORY_CLIP&utm_medium=SHARE&utm_source=YVAPP

OMG excellent critical thinking and problem-solving Love the mind set of still going to the gym in jeans/street pants... Did you do the kick-ups and wall tuck slides at the gym, or at home? #andnofuckswheregiventhatday 😎

Well, I'm not doing so well with updating my thread. I feel like I could do all the morning stuff a lot quicker than I am doing them right now, but analysing the situation, that's probably because I invested way too much time in partying and socialising before I had my home base ready. It's a mess and totally not set up to work efficiently for the accommodations my brain needs. We live and we learn, though! Knowingly incompetent is more frustrating, but result-wise, a more effective way to be than unknowingly incompetent. Today didn't go so swell, one of my worse days on average, so now it's time to focus on the now, and the doing of my own things... (➕A.) And no, I'm not just saying that because I lost the long message I'd typed venting here, as well, that was clearly just a sign from the Universe... I'm currently standing with a curcuma-yellow clay mask on my ass, so the grooming bit is going well (➕B.) Break-outs are about as worse as they were as when I was a teen, and I care again, nowadays... In consultation with my psycho-somatic therapist, I'm also getting myself checked for a hormonal disbalance soon. I have a history of PCOS in my family, even though my period is fairly right on the dot. (➕B.) So I'm not too worried but it would be helpful if I do have it, because it would give a name to my bullshit. Now I cannot fool myself that it's not because of my sob story that my emotional regulation (and hormones) are off like some women describe menopause or very PMS-related depression hahaha (why am I laughing) My nails need to be groomed today (➖B.) but I also need to get my place semi-orderly for a visit from a friend tomorrow. Moreover I have a fuckton of administration to catch up on, and to apply an idea I have for my CV. We shall see what takes precedence in my head, it's like Russian Roulette atm! Which will hopefully change with continued tea, exercise, meditation and nutrition. Oh, another win for (➕B.) I broke the sleeplessness cycle the other day!! Woooo I've been more in tune with my family, and sister and I keep sending each other love which I shall count a win for (➕C.) Honour your elders, or something similar. They have good sides too, and me leaving and giving us both the space to process our pasts, led to what I hoped in 2021. She was too scared to open up to others and depended on me for her everything, easy right... She gave birth to me so I owed her my time, energy, sanity... I did my best, honestly, but our values are very dissimilar. Now she is left with the ones that she matches well with, and invests time in them, and gets energy from them, and feels motivated to be her best self with, rather than spending loads of time in people she can keep a safe distance from, because she feels better them and only acts like their "Mother Theresa"..., like my grandfather does. But they still suck. Towards me. Because they don't get what I have done for them by spending a year away from my loved ones, my dear baby sister, who I cared for since a wee one. Not really. But that's ok. I hope that now that my sister and mother are finally taken care of, I can get past surviving and thrive for myself, finally, soon... But good things take time ❤️ I've been slacking a little with the Big Thing (reading my holy bible app chapters and reflecting/praying/praising/being devoted and grateful) related to (➖ C.) , so-called because of my job interview. beginning of heavy therapy, and related struggle with sleep, and the confrontation of my weak, sensitive little self with the fact that I, "The Excellent Promising Daughter" cannot get a job and stay there, and have to ask for social security funds now, which I'm also doing very chaotically and almost failing at.... But still not dropping it entirely, and sometimes I find myself thinking of verses on the go, in difficult situations (➕ C.) (likely not the literal text, because I am still working on recovering my memory). Life is Good ❤️ And as long as I stay kind, not nice, I'm not passively turning the other cheek.. I dust myself off and leave when I'm not in Right Company. ✨💪 (Get it? Like Right Thought, Right Livelihood, etc...) Cinema therapy wise... (➕B.) I watched a video analysis on Anastasia by Cinema Therapy, a youtube channel that was the actual inspiration for this goal ... And I'm analysing the show Psych who shows how a character with superb observational skills, who has to pretend to be psychic to be believed, looks at a room. I retried a lot of my child-like awareness and analytical abilities watching the show Burnt Notice as a teen, while recovering from Big Depression no. 1... (And learnt how to be Alert, not Anxious or Self-Conscious)... Psych is a lot more light-hearted, and available on Netflix so win-win!!

Definitely! 15 minutes of running is... acceptable Thank you, dear Waanie!! ALSO wow very hyped to see you talk about cadence? How did you measure it! Wow, I've only seen runners talk about distance managed within a certain time ! 🤩 I only read about it a couple of years ago (but my physiotherapist said I need to do a number of boring exercises to strengthen my knees and ankles if I want to run safely... Boo! ) EDIT: Never mind, I read like a cavewoman. You had a running analysis done when you got your new shoes, cool! And congrats, lots of happy kilometers

We all love a non-challenge! Although I must say I do not envy the meditation difficulty level. I am happy to hear mint tea helped with the results of the in-flight coffee, those can be very unsettling especially when you needed it to boost your energy All the well wishes, I've missed reading your challenges so much, and I can't wait to catch up on ALL the lore while you're taking a break from the pen and paper x 😄 (Thank you for the handy-dandy overview in your signature!!) How have you been, otherwise?

Thank you dear Jean and also for the recommendation? A while ago I had a lot of fun going through the AI chess lessons of Dr. Wolf, but I got a little rigid with the attacks and defences and was completely thrown off my game when someone did something unexpected 😂 No worries, lovely, I do that all the time and I haven't been active exactly x Super happy to have you! And really looking forward to the new memorisation quest

Hi Hatter!! Yeah sorry it's not a very reader-friendly challenge 😅 I did my best! Thank youuu 💪

🥺 You're a great dog mom, you know that? I recently (May) became one and I never knew what puppy eyes meant before that. But then he got a terrible tummy ache for 3 days because I gave him some of the food I was enjoying, and then I remembered my stern voice, lol. Beautiful painting, which has only improved since last time I visited! 😍 Don't make me explain how, I just know because you practice so much, but I don't do analyses very well. It just looks a little more realistic every time but you still retain your style (emphasising the cuteness of animals for example) Doing great, girl! I guess many of us are having sabbaticals... I feel like the wounds left by the years long high anxiety of the pandemic are only just now really healing, in a way... but that's my personal experience, anyway Hugs and see ya around!

Hello hello lovelies, is there still a bible memorisation quest somewhere on the forums? I've been using the Holy Bible app with its prompts for reflections for a fair while now, and daily for a couple of weeks almost... So I was wondering if there is any interest to start another similar quest like this one? I'd offer my services as a QM, however, I'm not very experienced, and have my own peculiar interpretation of the Bible verses on top of some commentaries, so I'd be quite passive about it, and more facilitating, inquisitive, etc. Looking forward to your replies!!

God it's nice to be back and read about your handstand shenanigans again, and I'm so so sorry about your grandma. She seems like an absolute darling, compared to the way I saw my gran deteriorate ❤️ Sweet school children, and having a method for self-defence, I hope, the knives against her perceived danger... My gran would intentionally do dangerous things to get people's attention, blame her diabetes on my mom whenever something happened she didn't like, act erratic when talking to my mother (and forgetting her daughter's name and identity), but perfectly sane and pleasant around me and around my aunt... Things have gotten considerably easier in the family since she passed away, - which is a can of worms to process on its own - and may she RIP. Also, the way you empathise with your gran about getting angry in the mornings is so sweet I guess it's the overall picture, though... I think you're finding a good balance between helping her where she needs it, and respecting her for the things she is capable of doing, and the things that any human could do wrong. Keep on keeping on, dearest Hatter, and you know where to find me if you need to talk or bullshit around about whatever I am capable of smiling again! lol

I've been spending my mornings on my spiritual practice for the past months, after being angry for a lot of the time. And about since 2-3 weeks I have been focusing on the Christian wisdom part of it solely. A friend of my mother's shared the new church in Bulgaria she has been following for quite some years, now, after she had some life events happen that really messed with her sense of meaning in the world. Of course, I've had quite a few of those early on, so I was already looking at quite a young age. And the first time things clicked and started going well, was also when I came in touch with the Bible in a way that made sense to me. And here it is happening again. The only matter is to not stray back off the path again, which should be fine. No more will I give my energy to people who do not give back to the people around them for the right reasons. Not that that means a lot or as much as it did back when I wasn't burnt out and awkward... But I'm getting back to that point, slowly but surely... So, watch out, world ❤️ I'm following the Light, I cannot in any other Way, no matter how hard I have tried, for the sake of my dear mother and family... And right now that means I need to get off my butt and exercise. But I'm trying to find the right moment to journal, as well. There was this awesome lady who is a great writer and avid lego builder who always did her Miracle Morning journalling, in the mornings, and reflected on the day before in them... So let's try that on for size... Stand on the shoulders of giants, and all that. Cinema Therapy As no one has the time to teach a 30 year old woman how to human in a healthy way, the way her parent did not, and I don't have the means to afford a life coach right now. I've been coming across and pushing myself to finish, shows who show different family dynamics, not just in an entertaining way but with actual lessons and some reality TV and really focusing on body language and who people click with, and how they figure out they click with them. Yesterday I finished the show Mind your Manners, and the lady is both my role model and how I used to be between 2017-2019 in an infant hostess stage... Minus the freely mentioning sexy jokes, as I was still recovering from a long series of slut shaming.... 🙈 My fwb was half-Chinese, you see, and I'd always been fascinated by Asian culture. The lessons and insights some of her students got were also like... Life changing. The last episode. "You don't really fit in anywhere. So as a big fuck you, you just decided to be as different as possible." That was me between age 17 and 19. Then at 19 I started working out and eating healthy and I found back my Western-Eastern European balance again. It got lost a few times down the line, but the self-knowledge is there. I'm hyped and want to rewatch it again, any way! I'm also at season 7 of (the U.S.) Shameless, which is one big gold mine of making sense of my life. My mom can be all high and mighty she wants, but her actions, the drama we have experienced, they are not the type the rich and high educated experience. She put us through shit very similar to the stuff portrayed in the show, except I didn't have the street wisdom you get as a kid in the ghetto. Just the flair of a daddy's princess and the idealism and naivety of a neurodivergent girl 😏 Lol Cannot wait to stop feeling the need to express these things because nobody gives a fuck, but ever since the pandemic... they just flow out. I felt like I'm in a simulation and nothing matters anyway 🤔 Learning How To Stick to the Relevant, the Now / Cultivating a Filter Again I got out of that state of mind the first time around by holding days of Vows of Silence, where I endeavoured to not speak, write, or even think thoughts that weren't in the now, *DIRECTLY* relevant for the now... I tried to do it the other day but it didn't work out the way I hoped. Perhaps it was too close to the therapy sessions that uncanned some worms very deliberately by people trained in, well, uncanning. Let's see if we can, for the rest of today! 💪

Hey Waanie! Nice to see you're still up at it 💪 Did you end up finding a program? I'm on the lookout as well, but I'm likely going to tweak something on my own because I don't have the brain power to move towards the gym at the moment. 🤗 Definitely keep listening to your body 💓 This is very relatable, and I'm glad you're feeling active again. We do what we can at any given moment, but sometimes it's nice when things click and we do as we see ourselves or want to be (again) 💪💪