Milythael vs. Lukup - Demon Slaying

[milythael]

Steve's written an article on not letting negative thought derail your fitness plans. You might like to have a stickybeak.

I've been quoting this and forwarding it to people all day. I want this blog post as a 4 foot poster for my wall at work. Thank you for pointing us at it.

[Thilde]

It is SUCH a great article, so glad others are talking about it!! I found it this morning and it was just the thing I needed. Keep going Lukup and mily, you're inspiring a lot of people!

[milythael]

I'm having a brutally rough morning. My mood is low and my attitude is lower. I've been berating myself all morning and I really need to stop. I missed my affirmations yesterday too.

7/12 M vs 1/10 L

[milythael]

200 times, at my desk in the morning, "I approve of myself." This is the most powerful, effective affirmation I know. I need to make sure I do it more often. And believe me, when I started this morning, I did not. I might be saying this one a few hundred more times today.

[milythael]

It does not change my score for the day, but I did a much better job of controlling my negative attitude for the rest of the day. Every time I turned even a little negative, I repeated my affirmation (I approve of myself.) 25-50 times. It is amazing how quickly that can be effective.

[Lukup]

SambieWlks I just noticed your race. Nice. XD

As far as yesterday and today, no negative comments about myself yet. I've come borderline but no.

[milythael]

Milythael 7 successful days of 12

Lukup 3 successful days of 12

[Lukup]

Another self-insult-less day, but I wouldn't call it a good self-emotional day.

[milythael]

Yesterday was a very positive day for me. I almost forgot my affirmations, but I did 200 x "I approve of myself" just before bed.

[milythael]

Milythael 8 successful days of 13

Lukup 4 successful days of 13

[milythael]

It wasn't such a very long time ago that simple chores, feeding myself, hygiene, laundry, going to work, were minor miracles every time they happened. Simply breathing and existing were more effort than I wanted to expend. Now, mere months later, I care not only that I eat, but what I eat. I care to challenge myself daily to push limits and boundaries I never before imagined possible. Not just life, but quality of life matters to me.

At first, back in February, I made the switch from actively wishing to die - literally on every fallen star - to no longer desiring death, but not particularly caring to live either. Meditation and exercises to cope with fear got me over that first major hurdle. My life transitioned from one of despondency and despair to a particularly zen state of just being. But, even this was perilously close to where I had been.

A bad day - of which I had many thanks to the aftermath of depression - was enough to push me back towards old habits, back into the old spiral of doom. My dark and careless moods hurt more than just myself. Friends suffered at the hands of my demons, and not just mildly. A conversation with me on the wrong day could tip the scales of others and send them into their own depressions.

I had not yet dealt with the root causes of my depression. I had merely minimized their external effects. I still hated myself, just not enough to want to get away. I still had a lifetime of mental habits to unlearn.

I am not certain when I had my first genuinely happy day. Probably sometime in April or May. It was an ephemeral event, but noteworthy for its prolonged absence from my life.

At the beginning of June, an online friend told me about book she had been wanting to read, "You Can Heal Your Life." Her description resonated with me, and I bought it for my Kindle that night, and started reading. Ever since my breakdown, reading has become a challenge. It took me a few weeks to finish reading the book, but along the way, I began practicing some of the affirmations it contained. "I approve of myself," in particular, became my mantra, my chant, spoken or thought almost every spare moment for the next month. I didn't bother to count them. I just repeated it over and over and over and over. Constantly, in my head, the words replayed themselves.

At first, it all felt like a lie. I hadn't approved of myself for forty years, why would I start now? None of the reasons for my self loathing were gone. It was like carrying a sled loaded with the boulders of every self doubt, every disgust, every dismissal, all piled up to become a burden even Atlas could not budge. But, I was finally determined to change my life. I knew I could not carry on as I had been. Rather than believe, I said. Rather than accept, I thought, and repeated, and uttered, and chanted.

Slowly, over the course of weeks, the mental habits of a lifetime began to change. I stopped feeling sick to be repeating something I didn't believe. I stopped getting angry at my failings. I stopped blaming myself for every wrong thing I had ever done and would ever do. Through constant repetition, I had finally changed the channels of my mental conversation, and I was digging new chautauquas of thought.

Today, I look forward to life. I look forward to what I can achieve. I still have work to do. My mental conversation can turn dark, and the habits of a lifetime require diligence to suppress. The diligence is worth it. The outcome in my life is clear, but even more exciting and worthwhile is the effect my story and my struggle is having on other people's lives. It is humbling and incredibly heartening to inspire others. The struggle is long and arduous, but you can never estimate the value of the lives you will touch.

Keep shining. You are someone's Polaris and without you, they may be forever lost in the dark.

[milythael]

200 times before bed, "I approve of myself." It really felt like it helped me get to sleep. I felt more content and peaceful than I usually am in bed.

Milythael - 9 successful days of 14

Lukup - 4 successful days of 14

Keep up the hard work, Lukup. Even your missed days sound like their are better than before.

[milythael]

200 times on the way to work yesterday, "I approve of myself." I did more at lunch and also did an uncounted number (probably 200+ based on experience) of "I am strong."

10/15 M vs 4/14 L

[milythael]

200 times, just before bed, "I am loved." It helped me fall asleep peacefully.

11/16 M vs 4/14 L

[Choppins]

Just wanted to say I think you guys are great for the brutal honesty in this challenge thread - putting yourself out there is great, one the clearest displays of awesomeness I've seen on this forum! This is a difficult area for you both, along with many other people (hey, probably everybody to some extent, including myself) and the way you're handling it is nothing short of inspirational.

I think you both deserve to approve of yourselves today, tomorrow and every day that you are so much as slightly conscious of the fact that you are taking steps to address things in your life that you want to fix.

Lukup - you smashed a chair assissted chin up the other day and I see from your challenge you're trying to go without pop for the 6 weeks. These sort of achievements and commitments are awesome - nobody is perfect and everyone has relapses, but they aren't a transition back to an old way of life, they're blips in your new and better one. Keep it up!

Milythael - your commitment and performance with changing your diet and sleeping habits is amazing. These are possibly the two biggest areas of anyone's lifestyle that they usually do nothing about. Exercises are looking good too and I love the way you are tracking everything - good and bad - and learning from it. That's the way to do things!

So both you guys - keep at it! You're both doing really well and this thread is really inspiring. Congratulations!

[Lukup]

Thanks!

[Lukup]

11/16 M - 6/17 L

[milythael]

11/16 M - 6/17 L

Woot! Two more successful days. Way to go, Lukup.

[milythael]

Yesterday before bed, 200 x "I approve of myself." I don't like leaving this until before I go to sleep because it could be too easy to forget, but it really helps me get to sleep.

This morning, on the way to work, 200 x "I cook well."

12/17 M - 6/17 L

[Lukup]

I cook rare.

[milythael]

When I woke up the first time this morning, I had some feeling of non-specific depression. Since I got to work, my mood has plummeted. Right now, I feel like I'm back in kill all the things. Is this diet? Is it physical mood swings? I don't like it. I'm not enjoying it. I want it to stop. I'm keeping my self talk positive, but right now, it is a real struggle.

[milythael]

Despite the downturn in my mood, I kept the dialogue positive. As the day progressed, my mood improved. This counts as a victory.

13/18 M vs 6/17 L

[milythael]

Per feedback from Lukup

13/18 M vs 6/19 L

[milythael]

Friday night, I said "I am competent." 200 times before bed. On Saturday, I kept up positive self-talk all day but failed to do an affirmation. On Sunday, I did "I am comfortable with change." 200 times while rebooting my computer. I had negative self-talk several times on Sunday and had a really bad day. I was down, tired, and not dealing with people well at all.

Per feedback from Lukup, he didn't comply Saturday because he didn't record it and can't remember, and Sunday he said something negative about himself.

14/21 M vs 6/21 L

[milythael]

At my desk, 200 x "I'm awesome." It has been a rough day. Negative thoughts keep starting, but I keep shutting them down. So far, so good, but it is a struggle.