Fear of Ridicule + Rejection

[Namednoname]

I've begun to notice how badly I fear being ridiculed for saying something recently. It seems irrational, but when speaking to people I've only just met, I feel really cagey and hesitant to be honest. And of course as a result this properly hampers my ability to actually make new friends as I'm not really allowing myself to become close to anyone new. An example is, I just started a new job yesterday night. And even though everyone was really nice and cool, I felt so anxious. And when speaking I couldn't really get my words out. I was being really hesitant to speak and when asked a question, didn't really say the full truth like I want to.

It's really frustrating because all I want to do, is to make friends with these guys and have a laugh. But somethings stopping me from just being 'Authentic'. And looking back on it today, It just seems like I'm paralyzingly scared of being made fun of. Or rejected/blanked, whatever. Speaking on these forums I find easy because, If I do get ridiculed, I'm not too fussed, it's easy to ignore. In real life though, If it happens, its inescapable, so I feel more anxious about it.

Soo, anyone else have any experience and/or any tips on how to actually deal with this? I know this is irrational, but I'm just trying to wrap my head around this so I can try and get over this fear.

[littlemiss_g]

I was the same for many, many years. In the end, the only way I managed to overcome it was by putting myself in situations where I had no choice (or by being put in them, as with a trip I made to the Spanish affiliate orf my company where I didn't know anyone.)

But in the meantime, I think you will find that people don't mind you being quiet and reserved at first, as long as you're not actively antisocial. I have started three jobs (including my current one) like that, and have always ended up being good friends with my co-workers.

[Evicious]

It's not only natural to be a little on the quiet side when starting in a new workplace, it's also usually considered a good thing: quieter people are often received better by their coworkers than more outspoken individuals are, because they are perceived as more willing to learn, observant of social considerations, and people anticipate them being easier to get along with than someone who comes in the first day trying to make some kind of statement. Also, so long as you aren't being rude in your communications with them (example: You feel so uncomfortable when someone talks to you that all you can do is stare, stare, and stare some more before finally giving up and just walking away - this is always perceived as antisocial, no matter how genuinely frightened you may have been to do anything differently) they will continue to try to draw you out a little more each day. People are always curious about "the new guy/girl", and appearing shy is at worst going to have people saying, "Oh, but they're so shy!" usually followed with a lot of pondering about you, your life, etc. So honestly, there is no pressure for you to make any kind of impression outside of what you're comfortable doing and saying right now.

LOL That paragraph is jumbled-sounding, even to me. Here's the squirrel's dinner: Change your focus from what others think of you, to what you think of them. Make a point of watching them at work: figure out who the "good" ones are vs. the not-so-good ones, and make a point to follow the formers' example.

If Joe Schmo over there seems popular, ask yourself why; is it because he's the guy who's always there to help when someone needs him? Or maybe he's got a killer sense of humor and he keeps the mood light in an otherwise dull occupation? Also, pay attention to people's work spaces - even if it's just a locker, or perhaps just their car - take a peek and see how they go about their business. You can learn alot about people from the way they keep their space, and the same goes for you. If Sally Secretary has your favorite sport's teams logos displayed everywhere, chances are good you two have a topic you can discuss without worrying about judgement from each other. Pete Down The Street's cubicle always smells like your favorite takeout Chinese and the unused logo'd napkins are still hanging around on the desk? Guess who's a safe bet for a casual lunch instead of eating alone in the cafeteria again.

You are going to be you, regardless of how others may think of you - you can hide, you can disguise, and you can do an amazing job of doing either one or both.... but at the end of the day, your quirks and preferences and dislikes and all the other foibles people could possibly pick out and pick on are still going to be there.... and so are theirs.

[Namednoname]

Cheers for your advice

I'm starting to think it might be a trust issue, after some thinking, I started to realise how hard I find it making new friends. I've got a great group of friends that I'm always confident and happy around, to the point where I'm probably the most confident out of them all. But as soon as I'm around people who are new to me or those who I don't know very well, I become really shy and cagey. (Unless inebriated :/) Inside I want to speak to them but I feel really anxious and I fear I end up coming across rude and disinterested (making it even harder to make new friends) I mean every single friend I have I either grew up with or went to school with. I literally haven't made a single friend since I went to college a few years ago.

I got bullied pretty much all the way through school until one day I decided not to take any more shit from anyone. Maybe the distrust comes from then?

Lol, some pretty deep stuff huh. Sorry for rambling on, but I just feel that If I can understand why I feel like I do, I can make a guided effort to fix it. So any advice and thoughts would be welcome!

But I do hope I can figure it out, and I really don't want to hide or disguise who I am, which is why this bugged me so much. Just everyti me I spoke to someone, I felt anxious and when anyone asked me about myself, my automatic response was to deflect the question or make some vague/elusive response. Instead of just being straight forward and saying exactly what I want.

Luckily, working a night job means I'm not going to get fired for being unsociable, but it really doesn't make me happy being so distanced and disconnected, it's the total opposite of what I want. Anyways... I have another shift starting in half an hour, tonight I'm gonna make an effort to trust people and be honest / authentic with them and see how it works out.

[Evicious]

Hey, whoa ho ho, hold on one second... Ok, let's make something very clear here: trust is something to be earned, not just given away in the hopes people will merit it. Obviously, you have to start somewhere with someone, and also (obviously) that initial start itself might not even pan out like you'd hoped. And let me just say right now that we're very proud of you for stepping out and making the effort in spite of your fears. That being said, if you come back disappointed for whatever reason, know that we're going to pat you on the back, say "There, there", offer you a hot beverage, and send you back out to try again.

The reason I'm jumping up and down on this point is because it seems like, for you, and from what you've shared about yourself thus far, trust is a very valuable commodity in your life. I mean, sure it is for everyone, but some people can spend it and not have the investment turn out like they'd hoped, and they can move on after a moment or two of high emotion and trust again. If you're not that kind of person, then I strongly advise you be a bit more cautious.

[Zorch]

I was the same for many, many years. In the end, the only way I managed to overcome it was by putting myself in situations where I had no choice (or by being put in them, as with a trip I made to the Spanish affiliate orf my company where I didn't know anyone.)

Agree - I was the same(and still am, albeit to a lesser degree). Part of getting over it is simply getting used to the situation - forcing yourself to be out there and part of the group. Even moreso, try and put yourself in situation where the most likely outcome is something positive - building that positive association goes a long way toward diminishing the fear/anxiety.

But in the meantime, I think you will find that people don't mind you being quiet and reserved at first, as long as you're not actively antisocial. I have started three jobs (including my current one) like that, and have always ended up being good friends with my co-workers.

Also agree with this - just be sure to be present - you don't have to dominate the conversations, but make a point to go to group functions and introduce yourself. "Hi! I'm (name here)" isn't going to get you ridicule, and can lead to nice conversations where you can meet new people. At least for me, the very first few words of a conversation are the hardest part - once it gets going I relax and can be myself. Sometimes I rehearse the first sentence or two of a conversation in my head so that I'm comfortable with the introduction/opening line. But once I get going, I'm just fine.

[sumdawgtwigg]

I deal with the same problem. The only thing that really works for me is to put myself in positions where I have to speak with them. Just keep trying. Eventually it will become easier to speak to these people.

[Namednoname]

Just got back in from my shift. I can honestly say I felt more comfortable tonight. I wouldn't go as far to say I was confident and there were times I felt a bit awkward. But I felt at ease with it all. And cause I wasn't stressing myself out with it all, I found it easier to speak to people because I wasn't 'up in my head'. And don't get me wrong, I'm not planning on trusting anyone outright unless I feel I can honestly trust them completely. But my problem was more that, I tend to distance myself from new people. Because I get anxious, I avoid conversations or add as little to the conversation as possible. Which was upsetting me because I wanted to open up and have a proper conversation. I don't have anything I feel embarrassed of. I guess, lately I've got to the point of total acceptance of my flaws, my past, my present circumstance. And this is what made me step back and question why I was getting anxious.

But yeah, I feel like tonight was a success in terms of battling these fears. I opened up more and had some proper conversations. I feel a hell of a lot happier for it. Yesterday after my shift, I got home really p***** off and angry at myself for being awkward. Tonight I got home, relaxed and happy with the way things went.

Hopefully, fingers crossed, I can keep this up. And over time maybe I'll become more confident too. Seriously though, thanks for the support. This is why I rejoined Nerd Fitness

I deal with the same problem. The only thing that really works for me is to put myself in positions where I have to speak with them. Just keep trying. Eventually it will become easier to speak to these people.

This is precisely what I'm planning on doing. Currently I got work and after the christmas break, when my MMA gym reopens. I'll make a bigger effort to speak to people more. As I've managed to avoid much conversation so far by training harder instead of speaking lol.

Right, I'm off to bed, I've been up 20 hours straight and gotta get up again in 3 hours lol. Thanks all

[Baelasar]

I'm hearing 2 different messages: immediate trust and filtering issues. It sounds like in the past, you might have opened up too soon or in trying to create a safe environment for others you revealed too much too soon. This sharing can be offputting and scary to others. Polite conversations and short interactions give people a chance to see who they want to spend more time getting to know. Have some ready practiced questions which don't end in a yes or no answer i.e. instead of "Did you have a nice Christmas/vacation?" try- "What was the best part of your Christmas/vacation?", "Do you work out?" - "What's your favorite type of workout?". Ask questions which involve interactions and not mono-syllabic answers.

Don't be afraid to open up and share- just know when its appropriate. At work you want to maintain a professional working relationship. You spend a majority of time with your co-workers but these relationships need to be fostered slowly. College was a different setting.

Most people consider me an outgoing person but few realise it takes me a really long time to get to know other people. I prefer to stay on the sidelines and watch other interactions. I have an off beat sense of humor- very dry and alot of peolple don't get it. I'm never going to be the center of the crowd which is fine with me. Plus it allows me to do my own thing.

[Namednoname]

I'm hearing 2 different messages: immediate trust and filtering issues. It sounds like in the past, you might have opened up too soon or in trying to create a safe environment for others you revealed too much too soon. This sharing can be offputting and scary to others. Polite conversations and short interactions give people a chance to see who they want to spend more time getting to know. Have some ready practiced questions which don't end in a yes or no answer i.e. instead of "Did you have a nice Christmas/vacation?" try- "What was the best part of your Christmas/vacation?", "Do you work out?" - "What's your favorite type of workout?". Ask questions which involve interactions and not mono-syllabic answers.

Don't be afraid to open up and share- just know when its appropriate. At work you want to maintain a professional working relationship. You spend a majority of time with your co-workers but these relationships need to be fostered slowly. College was a different setting.

Most people consider me an outgoing person but few realise it takes me a really long time to get to know other people. I prefer to stay on the sidelines and watch other interactions. I have an off beat sense of humor- very dry and alot of peolple don't get it. I'm never going to be the center of the crowd which is fine with me. Plus it allows me to do my own thing.

I'm not even totally sure what it is. But whenever I meet someone new I feel really anxious and my mind goes totally blank. When asked questions about myself , I barely answer and sorta, deflect the question most of the time. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it feels totally unnatural to me. Then on the flip side, when with friends, I'm the one igniting conversations and keeping it flowing, I always try and cheer people up and get a few laughs or whatever. I'm really bubbly and confident. Then with new people, I'm the polar opposite.

But thankfully, at work at least this seems to have stopped. I just feel so much more relaxed at work and for the most part, actually enjoy being there and speaking to people. I wouldn't say I'm as confident as what I would be with my friends. But that's a given, time will tell whether I end up being as confident with my work colleagues as I am with my friends.

I dunno, but it seems the key was taking the pressure off myself. I was really pressuring myself to socialize with them and be funny or w/e. But as soon as I stopped that, I was more confident and engaged in some proper conversations. Rather then awkwardly bouncing between questions, with periods of silence in between.

I guess time will tell if part of it was the pressure I was putting on myself.

[jehan60188]

The only reason you worry about whether or not others respect you is because you don't respect yourself. Climb a mountain, punch out a bear, publish a book, get an advanced degree.

Then you won't be worried about other laughing at you because, hey- you punched out a bear, what have those losers done with their life?!

[sumdawgtwigg]

The only reason you worry about whether or not others respect you is because you don't respect yourself. Climb a mountain, punch out a bear, publish a book, get an advanced degree.

Then you won't be worried about other laughing at you because, hey- you punched out a bear, what have those losers done with their life?!

Punching out bears does wonders for your self esteem!

[Namednoname]

The only reason you worry about whether or not others respect you is because you don't respect yourself. Climb a mountain, punch out a bear, publish a book, get an advanced degree.

Then you won't be worried about other laughing at you because, hey- you punched out a bear, what have those losers done with their life?!

 

Haha, maybe this is part of it as well. Before I got this job, I hadn't worked or done much for a long time, so I was pretty self conscious of this as It feels like I've pretty much wasted the last 3/4 years since I flunked out of college. 

 

But the good thing is, I've pretty much achieved more in the past month then I have in the past 3 or 4 years lol. I have a job, I started MMA and begun losing weight. I've finally launched a blog after thinking about it for years. And I'm honestly starting to feel more comfortable and confident around people. 

 

But yeah, thanks for the tip! *Notes down 'Punch out a bear' onto bucket list*

[Nucleus]

My heart goes out to you right now, because I've been there. I'm sure many people reading have.

 

I agree with most of what's said and with your own attitude towards things. It's not about setting out to impress people, it's about a) knowing who you are and being comfortable with that person, b ) Having a genuine interest in other people and in the world and c) practice in speaking the language of social interaction.

 

Which, surprisingly, isn't English. I mean, it's partly English, but also where to look, when to/not to smile, what to ask, what not to ask, when to push and when to give space, when to be quiet and so forth. You only learn by doing and being better at that does take a lot of the mystery and anxiety out of socialising.

 

One thing struck a chord because I used to feel like nobody else did this - I used to lie or be evasive about stupid little inconsequential things. I think it was because I was anxious and insecure and just wanted to make the conversation as easy and short as possible. But it causes more problems and it was an all round bad habit. If someone used to challenge or make fun of anything I said, I'd go quiet or evade them, or think "why did I say that?". Now 95% of the time what I say is true to my own beliefs and is want to say, so I know how to defend it and I don't care if people make fun of me for it. The other 5%? Shit happens. A laugh or an apology will patch up most things.

[Siferiax]

I always have difficulty expressing what I like, because I like non-standard things.

For example I write and I watch anime. Anime is not mainstream, especially in my country.

Though in my experience, when I hesitantly admitted to watching it?

They asked "Isn't that...?" with the added stereotype. They were curious to know more.

Even more so when writing. They were all like "Really?! What do you write?"

Actually they were very interested when I mentioned I was making a costume for cosplaying.

I'm not sure about cultures and all that, but over here there's... well there's ridicule all over the place.

Mocking each other is kind of like the standard. I personally hate it, but I slowly learn to deal with it.

Generally when people joke around at your expense, they don't mean anything bad by it. They're just trying to have fun.

In fact, the coworker who ridicules the most and really spares no one. Was also the coworker who stayed when things were really screwed up and I was stressed out and working over time. He couldn't help, or do anything, but he stayed nonetheless.

I would say don't be afraid to speak up if you don't like something, but that's useless advice. I wouldn't myself.

I had it once where a coworker just joked too much. Like kept going. And I was just on the verge of tears and totally done.

The problem was he couldn't see me as there was a big cabinet between us. Anyway, I went completely silent. COMPLETELY.

Even after he walked over a little worried about why I wasn't replying. He actually apologized, but I just stayed dead silent.

I couldn't talk, even if I wanted to. But he knew he had gone too far. So yeah, he hasn't done it again so far.

A new situation is always scary, but try to assume the best. Maybe they're all just as quirky and nervous as you are

[Namednoname]

My heart goes out to you right now, because I've been there. I'm sure many people reading have.

 

I agree with most of what's said and with your own attitude towards things. It's not about setting out to impress people, it's about a) knowing who you are and being comfortable with that person, b ) Having a genuine interest in other people and in the world and c) practice in speaking the language of social interaction.

 

Which, surprisingly, isn't English. I mean, it's partly English, but also where to look, when to/not to smile, what to ask, what not to ask, when to push and when to give space, when to be quiet and so forth. You only learn by doing and being better at that does take a lot of the mystery and anxiety out of socialising.

 

One thing struck a chord because I used to feel like nobody else did this - I used to lie or be evasive about stupid little inconsequential things. I think it was because I was anxious and insecure and just wanted to make the conversation as easy and short as possible. But it causes more problems and it was an all round bad habit. If someone used to challenge or make fun of anything I said, I'd go quiet or evade them, or think "why did I say that?". Now 95% of the time what I say is true to my own beliefs and is want to say, so I know how to defend it and I don't care if people make fun of me for it. The other 5%? Shit happens. A laugh or an apology will patch up most things.

 

This really, really sums it up perfectly! I have been feeling a lot better at work recently however. I've just relaxed alot more. I wouldn't say I'm exactly the life of the party just yet. But it's a definite improvement. I just don't really care for impressing anyone anymore. It was just p***ing me off. And I got to the point that I decided, I'd rather not try and be content with that, rather then try too hard, and get upset when I still feel anxious or w/e. But yeah,  Overtime, hopefully I'll just get to the point where I am totally secure with who I am and what I'm doing. Deep down, I know I'm going to reach my goals and turn my life about. But I guess, until I can prove that to others with results, It's having an effect on me being outwardly confident about it.

 

I always have difficulty expressing what I like, because I like non-standard things.

For example I write and I watch anime. Anime is not mainstream, especially in my country.

Though in my experience, when I hesitantly admitted to watching it?

They asked "Isn't that...?" with the added stereotype. They were curious to know more.

Even more so when writing. They were all like "Really?! What do you write?"

Actually they were very interested when I mentioned I was making a costume for cosplaying.

I'm not sure about cultures and all that, but over here there's... well there's ridicule all over the place.

Mocking each other is kind of like the standard. I personally hate it, but I slowly learn to deal with it.

Generally when people joke around at your expense, they don't mean anything bad by it. They're just trying to have fun.

In fact, the coworker who ridicules the most and really spares no one. Was also the coworker who stayed when things were really screwed up and I was stressed out and working over time. He couldn't help, or do anything, but he stayed nonetheless.

I would say don't be afraid to speak up if you don't like something, but that's useless advice. I wouldn't myself.

I had it once where a coworker just joked too much. Like kept going. And I was just on the verge of tears and totally done.

The problem was he couldn't see me as there was a big cabinet between us. Anyway, I went completely silent. COMPLETELY.

Even after he walked over a little worried about why I wasn't replying. He actually apologized, but I just stayed dead silent.

I couldn't talk, even if I wanted to. But he knew he had gone too far. So yeah, he hasn't done it again so far.

A new situation is always scary, but try to assume the best. Maybe they're all just as quirky and nervous as you are

 

There definitely is ridicule over here. It seems to be that, with most people, anything they don't know or understand, they'll try and mock it in some way or another. I find it really quite sad that there are so many closed minded people around. But I guess you just have to find those few that are open minded! Luckily these forums are great in terms of open mindedness. And I actually used to know someone who was really into Anime. And I remember him saying he had exactly the same problem as you do.  He has an Afro Samurai tattoo on his arm and people would always ask him where it was from. And when he answered, saying it was from his favorite Anime show, people would switch off and become pretty confrontational about it and try to mock him for it. His usual response was to just shrug it off. But he said it does p*** him off that people do that.

[DrewKorpal]

I've been on both sides of this issue in that as a young child, I was very socially awkward and hesitant. And then I went through a late-teen period of being far too foreward and forceful... wearing my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. Over time, I learned to embrace the concept of quiet, polite confidence. The goal is to be aware of and considerate to everyone around you, while silently projecting an aura that says, "I'm an alpha. I don't need to control you because I have total control of, and confidence in, myself."

If you can do this, honestly and without judgement, others will feel that confidence and respond. For those who might feel a bit threatened by your "power", they'll be relaxed by how considerate you are of them and what they have to say. But you have to be honest about it. No one likes a phoney.

 

The thing is, most everyone else is actually feeling the same way, to one degree or another.

 

Also, the fact that you're a bit more reserved around brand new people is fine, and perfectly natural. I mean, think about the folks you've met over the years who, in ten minutes or less, have inundated you with their life's history and their world view on every current buzz topic... You probably wanted to run away. ;-)

 

Take a deep breath, release your inhibitions and preconceptions, be kind and patient, and no one will ever be able to fault you for how you behave. You can do it!

[DrewKorpal]

Hmmm... also an anime fan here. And a role-player (d&d, white wolf games, etc.). I have friends in almost every possible demographic... race, sex, orientation, identity, nationality, religion... I accept them all. If you're kind to me, I will be kind to you... and try to learn from you as well.

 

I'm totally imperfect... why shouldn't everybody else be?

 

Judge not, and all that.

[Croman Red]

Here's my two bits, for what it's worth...

There seems to be two points worth addressing here.  The first is your confidence in a new situation with new people.  It looks like you've received a lot of sound advice on this topic which will assist you with this part of your situation.  Just remember that no matter what you try it is unlikely to result in anything worse than an embarrassing story that your co-workers will tell about you.  Which is part of building up a common history with them and being brought into the pack.  And pack status is usually flexible over time.  The "cherry" becomes "one of the guys", and then becomes one of the "old-timers".  You'll find your place.

 

The other point is that in office politics there are some back-stabbers out there, so it's worth minimizing your exposure until you've acquired a fair sense of where everyone is coming from.  I tend to be "frank" and "outspoken".  I try to be tactful, but there is always a point when I have to point out that someone has had a rectal-cranial inversion for so long that they have become a methane breather.  Fortunately I'm relatively bullet-proof, but I would advise you and everyone else not to draw fire in the first place.  Try to remember that you're working for this place to pay the rent.  Your personal value is something you develop as a result of your personal interactions with the people you choose to hang with during your free time.

[jehan60188]

Are you going to a NYE party tonight?  You should find one, or just grab some friends and go out somewhere.

Either way, dress up a little.  I've got a "casual 3-piece" that I'm wearing without a jacket and with a bow tie.  Whenever I wear bow ties, someone inevitably tries to imply/make me feel like/call me a nerd; usually with a scoff followed by "why do you wear bow ties?"

I just smile and reply "because you can't"  (haters gonna hate)

That usually gets rid of him.

 

The point of this story is that most people out there are nice.  Then there are mean people who try to bring others down a peg so that they won't be alone.

Have the confidence to know that most people won't ridicule you, and the confidence to not care about those that try to ridicule you.

 

As a semi-related subject- I've actually encountered a lot of people who don't run/bike/workout/lift weights/exercise in general because they are afraid that others will laugh.  Most of the time when I'm at the gym, I'm too busy making sure I'm keeping my core tight to make fun of someone else!

[Namednoname]

Are you going to a NYE party tonight?  You should find one, or just grab some friends and go out somewhere.

 

Hells yeah! Here's the thing, I'm confident on alcohol, I don't have a problem.

 

BUT, and its a big BUT, Due to this, I was pretty much dependent on alcohol for confidence since leaving high school. And obviously having a dependency screwed me up. I was drinking way too much and way too often. Eventually it got out of control and I screwed up college, messed up a lot of relationships and gained a lot of weight. But over the past year I've got a handle on it and I know I can't rely on alcohol like that anymore. Now I rarely drink, and If I do, I don't go nuts. I totally avoid relying on confidence, And I'm much, much happier like this. 

 

But seriously, all this help has been awesome! And has definitely given me more confidence, knowing that I'm not alone in this.