Advice for new dad?

[Skip66]

So I'm sitting in the hospital trying not to be too bored while waiting for the induction drugs to kick in. It still hasn't quite hit me yet that I'll be a parent soon. Although I'm sure it will set in in the next couple weeks when I'm a walking zombie from lack of sleep.

Anyways, any advice for a soon-to-be new dad?

[ceethegreat]

Sorry, non parent here with no advice to offer... but congratulations!

[Niwa]

I'm not a parent either, but I can tell you how awesome my dad was with me! He was always honest with me and always encouraged me to be open with him. I never felt ashamed of telling him how I felt, because I knew that even thought he was my dad and had to be a parent, he wouldn't judge me. I think the best thing you can do is always show your love, and always be supportive, even if they do something you don't agree with. 

 

Is it a boy or a girl you're having?

[ArmoredGallant]

I'm a father of two little girls. I'm also one of those guys who was rarely around babies until I had some myself, so some of this may be common sense to people who know things about babies (I knew very little). Anyway, here's some stuff I've learned and worked well for us:

 

1st off; Most babies cry because they need something. Common sense, I know, but let me explain further.
Some new parents don't realize this: babies are not intelligent in any way or form. They pretty much record everything, but don't really process it until later. The ONLY thing they know is how to cry - they don't even really know how to eat at first and it can take a couple of days before they become even decent at that - and that's also their ONLY way to communicate. They aren't trying to manipulate you or anything like that, they just need something. I say this because I once actually heard a mother ask if her 2-day old baby was trying to manipulate her.

Sometimes when they are tired they will actually just need to cry it out. This is okay, let them do it for a few minutes before rushing to them because crying is the only way they have to burn off excess energy. My 2nd daughter, for instance, about half the time will cry for about 5 minutes before conking out. You'll likely learn their different cries anyway, a certain kind will be for hunger, etc.

To summarize, nap/sleep times aside, if they cry then they need something. If it's time to sleep, let them wait at least five minutes (if not ten) and they will likely just conk out. 

 

2nd thing; babies do far better breastfed than bottle fed. Even if you use a breast pump, the baby's interaction with the breast itself is far better. One, they will get the milk out far better than any pump can, and two, their little mouths stimulate things on the mother's body so that they get what they need. For instance, if the baby is sick the mother's body will detect it through their saliva and supply them with the correct antibodies to help them recover. Formula is isn't very healthy for them and breast milk is incredibly healthy for them (studies have proven babies breastfed for at least a year develop far better than babies who aren't). If possible, go for breastfeeding and fight the urge to go the easier route of formula if possible.

 

3rd thing; at about two weeks (we started at 2 for our first and 3 for our second), it's a good idea to put them on a loose schedule. My newest baby started off eating nearly every 1-2 hours, but was not eating well so she'd get hungry more quickly while often falling asleep in the middle of feeding and then not sleeping for long because of that. Now she eats about every 2.5-3 hours and stays awake for an hour after eating, then she conks out for an hour and conks right out (at night she actually goes about 4 hours and sleeps great). Some people are very much against scheduling, but personal experience (as well as everyone I know who's done it) has had great results from it. 

 

Keep in mind this is just advice, stuff I've learned from books, friends, family, and experience. You'll find your own things that work with your new little one and fact is that every baby is different so what works for one doesn't help the other (my first loved being swaddled, my second hates it) so be flexible. I hope this helped and congratulations on your new child!

[notcreative]

Being a new parent can be pretty difficult; it was for me and my husband.  So my biggest piece of advice is for you and your wife to be kind to one another and realize that you're both doing the best you can.  And also remember that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.  Breast feed, bottle feed, put your kids on a schedule or don't, but make the decision that is right for you and things will work out for the best.

 

And congratulations on the new baby!

[wildross]

Congratulations!

 

Great thoughts and comments above.  Some things to think about for down the road a bit.

 

Best piece of advice we ever got "Don't laugh at something/encourage something that is cute now that won't be cute at age blah".  While I agree babies are not "intelligent" in the normal sense, they begin to be trained immediately (like with the example about crying).  (Oh and no baby ever died of crying.)  A bit of thought into how you react to life's normal activities makes a big difference.  Every interaction you have with your child will train them in some way.  They are sponges and soak up all kinds of cues.  (Is diaper changing time a happy time, or a lets get it over with time.  Ditto for meals, getting dressed, going to bed, etc, etc).

 

Children are infinitely entertaining and challenging.  And remember, generations of humans have been raised without the benefit of the latest fashion, behavioural study, parenting guide, etc.  Kids can survive and thrive in almost any situation where they are loved and cherished.  The rest is just details.

[geegeemcgee]

Formula fed babies are FINE. If she had her heart set on breastfeeding and finds for whatever reason it just isn't working for her, chances are she's already feeling guilty enough about it. Don't feed that fire with statistics about breastfeed vs breast pumps vs formula feeding. Just be lovingly supportive of whatever decision she needs to make. 

For a new father, my advice is go with your gut. Get to know your baby's cries and you'll pretty quickly figure out what they're trying to communicate. Tired cries are different from hungry cries, which sound different from gassy cries which differ from general discomfort cries. You'll figure these out pretty quickly I imagine, especially the gassy cry. 

Also, give yourself time to really enjoy and bond with your newborn while they're between feeds and snoozes. They're alert for a small window between each sleep cycle, which is a great opportunity to do cute stuff like sticking you tongue out at him until he copies. Even from a few weeks old, babies can start to mimic facial expressions and it is so darn cute! Build those memories. My son's father still waffles on about those moments which are a real source of pride for him. Plus our son (who's now four) never gets tired of listening to his Dad reminisce about the time they spent together while he was a baby. Those small moments are the gifts that keep on giving.

I absolutely agree with Notcreative. Be kind to one another, be supportive and base your decisions on what works for you as a family. 

 

[Pyth]

I second the getting to know the crys part. My daughter had distinct crys that ment different things. A hungry cry, scared cry, sleepy cry all sound just a bit different and if you learn to tell them apart your life will go much easier.

 

Also, don't sleep the baby in the bed with you. This is a bad habit that is very easy to get in to, and can be extremely hard to break. For both baby and parents. You can easily end up with a two year old that won't sleep in his/her own bed.

[Waldo]

Formula fed babies are FINE. If she had her heart set on breastfeeding and finds for whatever reason it just isn't working for her, chances are she's already feeling guilty enough about it. Don't feed that fire with statistics about breastfeed vs breast pumps vs formula feeding. Just be lovingly supportive of whatever decision she needs to make.

This.

Speaking from experience, there's nothing worse than new mom, tired as can be, absolutely devastated because she can't get her baby to latch on, crying about being such a failure, baby crying for hours due to hunger. The reaction against formula/bottles has gone way, way, way too far. After she finally gave up on breastfeeding, we did the pump thing for a few months then switched to formula, he started solid foods early anyway (though always homemade, we tried the jarred stuff once, kiddo didn't care for it, we tried it and thought it tasted nasty too, we got ice cube trays specifically made for baby food (easy to pop out) and made batches of stuff and froze it, thawing cubes as needed).

As far as advice...schedules are your friend. Sleeping, napping, eating, etc... all are much easier on a regular day to day schedule.

Also third the cries part. There are very much some cries to worry about, that need immediate attention, and some cries that you can just ignore (baby needs to cry a bit to fall asleep for example).

[vic-torus]

I can't improve on any of the great advice given above, so I'll just add- get your rest when you can! The universe will be a far friendlier place for it. Congratulations!

[ArmoredGallant]

I just want to make it clear that I did not mean that parents who feed their babies formula are bad or anything, just that there's a massive amount of information (seriously, Google it) stating/proving that babies who are breastfed are healthier. Some mothers have their own reasons why they don't breastfeed, and that's their choice. All I meant was that it is healthier for babies to be breastfed. They get sick less, their brains develop better, and so on. Even the best formula is not as healthy for them, plus they've never recalled breast milk.

Anyway, I was just giving some advice, stuff I've learned (as stated above) from friends, family, books, and, biggest of all, personal experience. It's just advice, I'm just explaining what worked for my children as well as most other parents I've seen who've done similar things.

 

Actually this was a good thing to see firsthand: when it comes to parenting some people have very different opinions. 

[alienjenn]

do what you can... wash the dishes... the laundry... pick stuff up... if she isn't one of those who freak out... change diapers... take the baby for a walk so she can nap... do everything you can around the house... because that will help her feel less overwhelmed...

 

better yet.... do things without being asked.... listen to her... if she says "oh I wish I had time to do the dishes" surprise her by doing the dishes... the things she "wishes she had time to do" are really the things she wants you to do

[alienjenn]

yes... I meant that to apply to actual things that you can do...

 

and if it is "I wish I had more time to hang out with you"... find a sitter

[Evicious]

Training With a Newborn

http://rosstraining.com/blog/2009/02/17/training-with-a-newborn/

 

I regularly receive questions from new parents who are wondering how they can continue exercising while caring for their child (or children). I won’t claim to be the authority on the subject, but I do have two young children. My son will be 3 in May, and my daughter is just shy of 8 months.

 

I honestly cannot remember the last time I had a full 8 hours of sleep. It’s been years. Dealing with limited sleep is something that I’m quite familiar with. For several months after the birth of each child, we went through our share of sleepless nights. It’s amazing that there were times when my wife and I were excited to get 4 hours of sleep. As a man, I have no business complaining however, as I’m not the one who was up every few hours nursing the baby!

 

Currently, my daughter is beginning to sleep much better, although teething may have her up once or twice during the night. I average somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night, which usually comes in three hour blocks. When my daughter wakes up, I wake up, which usually means that I’m up for a while before falling back to sleep.

 

Functioning with 5 or 6 hours of sleep is all that I know. I don’t know what I’d do with 8 hours of sleep. My wife and I chuckle when a friend or family member (without kids) will gripe about feeling tired after not getting their full 8 hours of sleep. Inside my head, I’m usually thinking to myself,†You have NO idea what tired is!â€

There have been days when I’ve worked late, am up with one of the kids in the middle of the night, and then up early the next morning, which means a total of just a few hours of sleep. No, it isn’t fun, but it comes with the territory as a new parent. My children come first. Taking care of them is at the top of the priority list. If that means feeling a little tired the next day, so be it.

 

On the flip side, having a child doesn’t mean that your life ends. Yes, your life will change, but it is supposed to be for the better! There is no reason to fall apart physically and mentally. Considering that my daughter is getting close to sleeping through the night, I figured I should share a few thoughts while the subject is still fresh in my mind. Below are a few tips that have worked for me.

 

Morning Workouts

Personally, I find that morning workouts are best. I’ll wake up before the kids, which makes for an ideal training time. The way I look at it, if I’m going to be tired, I may as well get a workout in early on, as I’m going to feel tired regardless. Oddly enough, I find that morning workouts tend to wake me up. It may take a few minutes to get the blood flowing, but once I hit the zone, I forget about feeling tired and my adrenaline takes over. I then feel much better throughout the day. I rarely notice myself feeling tired afterward.

 

If I skip a morning workout, it throws a wrench in my plans. I always find myself busy with work during the day (and often into the evening), which makes it more and more difficult to find time for my own training. By training early in the morning, there is absolutely nothing (later in the day) that can disrupt my workout.

 

Morning workouts may take some getting used to, but eventually become just another part of the daily routine. I consider the morning workout similar to how I did my roadwork back in my days as an active fighter. Whenever I’d begin training for a new fight, it would take a few days to get used to the early morning runs. Within a week, it was just another part of the day. I didn’t think twice about it. I could wake up without the alarm clock. As poet John Dryden once said,

“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.â€

 

Make Time

Morning workouts work for me. That doesn’t mean they will work for you. You need to find something that jives with your own schedule. Be prepared to actively MAKE time to train however. Don’t expect extra time to fall out of the sky. As a father, husband, and business owner, I always have a full plate. I try to make the most out of each minute. For me, it means waking up earlier than I would otherwise. For you, perhaps it means going to bed later. Ultimately, the time is there. You just need to look for it.

 

Life’s Tough, Deal With It

Life’s tough, so let’s not pretend otherwise. Dealing with less than optimal sleep conditions isn’t always going to be fun. There will be days when you are tired and cranky. That’s life. I don’t feel bad for you. I’ve been there myself.

 

The fitness community as a whole needs to stop making bullsh*t promises. Nothing worth having comes easy. A ten minute workout is better than nothing, but let’s not pretend that it will create the next Spartan warrior. Training is like most things in life. You get what you put into it. There is no easy way. Hard and consistent work is the only legitimate training secret. Unfortunately, most people don’t want anything to do with it.

 

So no, I can’t promise that you’ll wake up feeling chipper after you’ve been up half the night. There is a good chance that you’ll wake up feeling miserable. Take comfort in knowing that you aren’t the only one. I’ve been in that same boat many mornings. I don’t cry myself back to sleep however. I wake up, play some loud, obnoxious music on the headphones, and begin training.

 

Strength

When I’m tired, I find that I perform better when targeting strength. I can always put out some quality strength work. I rarely find myself as eager to perform lengthy conditioning workouts. From a conditioning standpoint, I’ll do better with abbreviated methods (ex. a short finisher after my main workout).

 

Bodyweight Exercise

Bodyweight exercise comes in handy if you train at home. Yes it’s effective, but perhaps more importantly it is quiet! You can work very hard with your child sleeping in the next room. An added bonus is that the gym is never closed. You can train at any time. This isn’t to say that you should abandon free weights, but rather a reminder that there are other options available if necessary. Personally, I often mix free weights with bodyweight exercise. If for some reason I have no equipment available however, I can always find a way to complete a quality full body workout.

 

Better Than Nothing

Get over the fact that you may not have a full hour or two blocked off for uninterrupted training. There will be times when parent duty kicks in and training is interrupted. It’s not the end of the world. A few sets of anything throughout the day is better than nothing. I can always manage to find time for a mini-workout at some point during the day. A few favorites of mine include the ab wheel, handstand pushups, pull-ups, a variety of isometrics, etc.

 

I certainly prefer an uninterrupted workout, but if for some reason it doesn’t happen, I can always find a way to accumulate a decent workload throughout the course of the day. For example, just recently I decided to do 50 bodyweight squats each time that I let my dogs out. I racked up 250 squats in what amounted to just a few minutes spread throughout the course of the day. Clearly, this isn’t the most significant accomplishment in the world, but it is better than nothing.

 

Goals

I find it particularly useful to have goals in mind. If I’m tired, I’m not in the mood to improvise. I need to have an idea of what I’m trying to accomplish. I’m not looking to solve any complex algorithms first thing in the morning. I need to be focused on something specific.

 

Keep It Fun

I work almost every day of the year. When I’m up early in the morning, I don’t want to view my training with a job-like mentality. Yes, I work hard, but the work needs to be something that I enjoy. Training needs to be fun, particularly when it is something that I’m doing without a full night’s sleep. Enjoying the work allows me to look forward to training. It’s one of my favorite parts of the day. If I dreaded the training, I doubt I would do it.

 

Nutrition

I strongly believe that clean eating contributes to my ability to recover from less than optimal sleep conditions. I don’t believe in micro-managing the eating process, but I do believe in clean eating. My nutritional strategy is very simple. I eat real food (ex. fruits, veggies, fish, meat, etc.) when I’m hungry, and I don’t eat any artificial and/or processed junk. That’s it. I have better things to do with my time than counting how much of this or that nutrient has been consumed in this or that meal. My ancestors did pretty well without calculating zones and nutrient ratios on the abacus, so I see no reason to change. I never get sick, recover quickly from training, and feel good throughout the day. If it isn’t broken, I see no reason to fix it. Find what works for you. That’s the best nutritional advice I ever heard, so now I’m giving it to you.

 

Don’t Believe Everything That You Hear

I’ve had many people tell me that it is absolutely essential to receive 8 or 9 hours of sleep each night. I respond by sharing my story, and it’s as if they do not believe it could be true. How could I be doing something that is not reflected in the peer reviewed study that they read in a recent journal! It can’t be!

 

Well guess what, it is. I’m all for science, but at times I prefer falling back on the most basic definition. Merriam-Webster defines science as the state of knowing. I know what my body needs to function. When I read a study that suggests otherwise, my first thought is that they sure as hell didn’t study me. I continue to make gains, so I know that I’m doing something right.

 

And please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not suggesting that my way is the only way. I’ve found what works for me. You need to find what works for you. You also need to realize that the body is much more capable than many believe. I’ve hit PR’s in the gym on mornings that followed sleepless nights. I’m not suggesting that you stay up all night before attempting your next PR, but at the same time, don’t be so quick to doubt your abilities.

 

I’m not perfect and I have bad days just like anyone. I always wake up and try however. And when I compare this approach to other options, it’s always an easy decision for me to make.

 

A Small Sacrifice

Parenthood is the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t have words for how amazing it is to be a father to my children. Losing a few hours of sleep is nothing to me. I’d give up on sleep entirely if I had to for my kids.

 

To those who struggle with less than optimal sleep conditions, keep in mind that it does get better. My son has been sleeping through the night for almost 2 years now. My daughter isn’t far off from doing the same. Yes, the early months can be tough when dealing with limited sleep, but remember that it will get better. Also, keep in mind that it really isn’t that bad. There are far worse circumstances in the world. Take a look through the news and it won’t be difficult to find far worse scenarios. You’ll realize that losing a few hours of sleep really isn’t a big deal.

 

If losing a few hours of sleep is your biggest problem, you really don’t have a problem. Get up and get busy and you’ll feel much better afterward (not to mention feeling better about yourself).

 

Ross

[JediNickD]

So my biggest piece of advice is for you and your wife to be kind to one another and realize that you're both doing the best you can.  And also remember that whatever decision you make will be the right one for you.  

 

 

Big second on that advice.  You and your wife (or what have you) are a team tackling one of life's greatest joys and difficulties: creating and nurturing new life!  Learn what works best for you as a team.  Most importantly, talk about everything that is going on with the baby.  Use journals if you need to.  They come in handy when you have to tag-in and out throughout the day and night.  Double team tasks when you are both available, because it allows you two to work together and talk about how you do things. 

 

When you are alone with the baby, make sure you use the opportunity to get to know the baby.  Learn the different cries, facial expressions, how they like to be held, etc. 

 

Every baby is different so you can read a number of books and get advice from a number of people.  You'll see a wide range of opinions and options.  Do what you and your wife are comfortable with.

 

Here are five things I can pick out above all the advice out there as things you must do as parents: 

 

1) Babies need to sleep on their backside to avoid SIDS.  Why chance it?

 

2) When you change a diaper, the best location is on the floor, because they can't fall off the floor. 

 

3) If using a changing table, then always keep one hand on the baby.

 

4) Always have spare diapers, wipes, towels, and clothes on hand.  Sometimes even a spare shirt for yourself. 

 

5) Take pictures constantly.  You'll thank me later, because it is so hard to get good ones.

 

Enjoy!

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Congrats, my only advice is to enjoy it because time flies.

 

The lack of sleep thing is only temporary.

 

And I don't know if you are a runner or not, but my daughter loved(s) going out for a run in her jogging stroller, it would give my wife some free time by herself and allow my daughter to get a nap in the fresh air, also it made my daughter think that running is fun and is super excited about her upcoming race (she's 4.5); so I plan on pushing her sister (born 2/7/13) and hopefully having the same thing happen

[slugg77]

Congratulations have already been said, but can't be said enough.  My kids are 6 and 2, and I can't believe how fast the time has gone.  Remember to talk to the baby as much as you can, it really gets funny when they are a bit older and start to mimic.  

[Skip66]

I think the best thing you can do is always show your love, and always be supportive, even if they do something you don't agree with.

Is it a boy or a girl you're having?

I couldn't agree with you more. I didn't personally experience this, but I've had friends who did. It's definitely something I aspire to be.

We didn't find out before, but turns out we had a little girl, who's sleeping on my chest as I type this

[Terinatum]

Hey Skip66 and Wife,

Congratulations! Parenthood will be amazing.

Once their basic needs are fulfilled you can stand back and watch them learn and grow. All the advice above is great. Be willing to question everything, repeatedly if necessary, except what feels right in your heart. Not sure what your expectations are for the baby, yourself, or your wife, but chances are you'll want to be accepting of the fact that optimum performances are not a normal outcome. Kids have a job to do: Learn and Express. And just as importantly, parents have the same job. Mistakes are good, consequences will need to happen, and failure probably can't define anything as temporary as a day or an event.

My biggest advice... self-compassion. It is what we survive on and it's crucial to teach your children through your words and your actions. Good luck and let us know how you are.

[BarefootViking]

Biggest advice is don't try so hard to "not be your parents/father/mother" that you actually wind up turning into them without realizing it.  Sounds crazy but I see it happen all the time.

[Frost of the Gloaming]

Enjoy it, it goes by fast

[Grayfang]

Just remember- kids are pretty resilient; it's pretty hard to scar them for life if you're actively trying to be a good parent. Go with what feels right and natural for you and do your best to ignore the other people who gasp in horror when you mention you are or aren't doing _______.

And as someone who observes the effects of overly-involved parents- give them space, frustrate them, and allow them to fail (unless of course that's not your thing, in which case refer to the first advice. I'll try to keep my mouth shut....

[chris_de_maas]

Just wanted to drop an extra "Congratulations to you both!!"

I hope it is all going well and that both you wife and baby are doing well. Congrats once again

[Skip66]

do what you can... wash the dishes... the laundry... pick stuff up... if she isn't one of those who freak out... change diapers... take the baby for a walk so she can nap... do everything you can around the house... because that will help her feel less overwhelmed...

Not to go off on a tangent, but this is a struggle in our relationship. Our roles are basically reversed in that she makes more money, so feels like she can come home, sit on the couch, watch tv and play on her phone. Meanwhile, if we have a home-cooked meal, I cook it (she doesn't know how to cook), I do the majority of house cleaning (she hates cleaning), the only thing that's close to an even split is laundry.

I'm not trying to keep track of what she does or doesn't do, but it's frustrating when 1) she expects me to do more because I make less money (yes, she has literally said that) and 2) she hears or reads stuff like this and expects me to take on even more so she can "relax after a long days work".

That being said I've been to quite a bit of the baby stuff cuz for the first 24 hours after birth she was basically on bed rest due to a large amount of blood and when our baby was only three days old, she received a call that one of her best friends passed away.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can change so I don't feel like I'm carrying all the weight in the relationship?

[Flex Luthor]

"The fitness community as a whole needs to stop making bullsh*t promises. Nothing worth having comes easy. A ten minute workout is better than nothing, but let’s not pretend that it will create the next Spartan warrior. Training is like most things in life. You get what you put into it. There is no easy way. Hard and consistent work is the only legitimate training secret. Unfortunately, most people don’t want anything to do with it."

 

I love you for this Evicious. Literally.

 

Anyway to the new Dad, love and support is great, so is discipline. I don't have kids of my own but I've been teaching martial arts for the past 3 years and believe me when I say I know what a nightmare lack of discipline can be. On the flip side, those kids that do have discipline are 99% of the time better off. All I mean by discipline is that when you tell your child something, mean it. Make them do things they are supposed to do. Give them a consequence if they do not comply. It's not for me to say what your kids need to/don't need to do or how to give them consequences, that's your job. Your life, however, will be much easier if you define those things and follow through, trust me.