Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Owlet]

Good luck with the shoe shopping! Bunions are not ideal. We should be like cats and not need shoes. 

[fleaball]

I hate wearing shoes tbh. Shoe shopping was a bust though. Hit two stores and found nothing. I guess I'll just buy a bunch of shoes from websites with good return policies. 

 

Grad photos are done. Roommate's gonna edit them a bit. My face is so fat ugh I am not pleased. 

 

Plumber guy called about ten minutes after we left the house, naturally. He figured out the problem. It IS a broken pipe but not necessarily caused by leaving water in it; apparently the pipe wasn't secured to anything and the vibration of the machine wrecked it? Because it's broken right behind the machine which is presumably not where it would have burst in the other case? Idk. Either way, he thinks he can have it fixed tonight if Home Depot has what he needs. So now I almost wish I hadn't gone and done laundry but at least it got me out of the house at a reasonable hour instead of me sitting around doing anything except writing my paper. (My one. Page. Paper. That I can't get myself to write.) 

 

But it's cool. It's only 5:10, I've crossed off several challenge goals as well as several things that were on the to-do list. Now I just need to remind myself that this doesn't have to be perfect. Good enough for a government agency to accept, yes, but it's a one-page "this is why I'm going to write you a fifty-page paper." I can do this. 

[Dagger]

31 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Good enough for a government agency to accept, yes, but it's a one-page "this is why I'm going to write you a fifty-page paper." I can do this. 

Yes, you can.

 

Also, way to go with the day, sister!

[fleaball]

Fuck meeeeeeeee. Sat down to start working on the thing, dude showed up to fix the pipe. For the hour or so he was working on it, I couldn't focus. I think because I was half expecting him to need me for something, or need something from me? And also a small part of me was expecting the entire house to blow up while he was soldering the pipe. (Fun fact: I frequently imagine ridiculous worst case scenarios like that. It's obnoxious.) He left over an hour ago but in that time I've lost all momentum. I have no desire to do anything remotely productive. My brain feels like a giant bowl of jello. I know I've already told several people I can't respond to your threads right now, but apparently it takes zero brainpower for me to word vomit in my own, vs trying to come up with coherent things to say in response to your posts.

 

I'm getting wiped out way too easily and too often. I know I'm not sleeping enough, I'm not eating foods that are good for me and that give me energy, and I'm not taking care of myself in general. And this is not being critical, this is just a statement of things I know would help me. At the same time, these habits aren't really any different from how I've been in the past. The only thing I can think of is that my anxiety is so consistently at a higher level that it's draining me a lot easier. If it's not a thing that absolutely must get done, I can't do it because there's just nothing left. To steal @Severine's awesome analogy, anxiety is taking up way too much fucking space in my backpack. And yes, sure, I feel better having gotten several things done today. (Even if shoe shopping was a bust I can officially cross off "go to that specific store where I think I can find what I need.") But the cost of actually doing those things is just... so high. The next two days are going to suck because I have class immediately following work. OH. RIGHT. FUCK THIS. I was looking at the roster for my classes on Blackboard and fuck meeeeeee the girl who kissed me at that club last year is in the one tomorrow night. I literally haven't seen her since then and ugh I also don't want to. I'm just gonna go ahead and pray this class doesn't require group work. There are a few people from my cohort in it but no one I'm super close with, so I might just... sort of avoid everyone altogether. Sit on the side of the room and just faceplant on my desk before class starts. I know avoiding her is not the most adult option but on the scale of things I have the energy to deal with, she doesn't even register. I also really just don't want to go to class in general.

 

Oh. Right. My mother called while I was on the way to the laundromat. She sounded like shit and I also feel bad because I was distracted half the time and now I feel... not guilty, but kind of just bad on behalf of both of us that I didn't take full advantage of and pay attention to the time we had together? It wasn't on purpose, but she caught me mid-thing and because of the mood I was in I wasn't capable of splitting my focus; all weekend I'd been zeroed in on the fact that I had to do laundry before work tomorrow so when I finally got there I couldn't break from it, mentally, if that makes sense. Like it didn't occur to me to take five minutes before going into the laundromat, because laundry. And I feel bad because all week I'd wanted to talk to her, just because, but didn't want to call and interrupt anything (and I'm glad I didn't because she's been sleeping a hell of a lot, apparently), and now it feels like I squandered the opportunity I had? Let me be clear I don't feel guilty about it or even regret necessarily. But it's a more neutral kind of, oh I'd do that over again if I could. I don't know if that makes sense but yeah.

 

Christ. 45 minutes ago this was supposed to be a quick post about how my brain was failing me. Now it's nearly 9pm and I'm no closer to this 1-page paper being done than I was 7 hours ago. I'm going to eat the not-junk food that I ordered (which actually looks kinda gross?), finish off a short fic to give my brain a break, and then attempt to get this paper at least mostly done no later than 10:30. I decided earlier that I'm just going to half-ass it. Because a) for the prof, it's just a draft and b.) my idea of half-assing an assignment clearly doesn't align with other peoples' because I always do unexpectedly well. As far as the agency goes... meh. If they get back to me and tell me it's shit I'll fix it. Even if I finish it tonight I may continue tweaking it at work tomorrow in anticipation of having to fix it for someone anyway. 

 

Okay. Off the internets, Flea.

[Owlet]

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

my idea of half-assing an assignment clearly doesn't align with other peoples' because I always do unexpectedly well.

Haha glad you worked that out at least. Go forth and half-ass that paper! 

[fleaball]

Welp. It's 10:08 and I haven't done shit. The food I ordered seemed to clear the brain fog a bit but it was also fucking disgusting and I regret everything. I mean I ate it because I was starving and it was late enough as it was, but... ugh. 

[fleaball]

It is 12:05 am. I have half a page. (And a page full of sources I've barely skimmed the abstracts of, but technically it is a preliminary bibliography.) What the everloving fuck is my problem?! I just want to sleeeeeeeep. Also I still really want to know how I'm supposed to pick my indicators of cultural competence in a given community when I don't even know what my data looks like? And really even if I hadn't wasted my weekend, I got this project on Wednesday and there's no realistic way I could have done enough research by now? So frustrated. Also surprised I can English right now. 

[Countess D'If]

I'm in kind of the same boat. I have about 3 more pages to read, but then I looked at the clock and I was like fuck it. I'm done. I'm going to bed

[fleaball]

13 minutes ago, Countess D'If said:

I'm in kind of the same boat. I have about 3 more pages to read, but then I looked at the clock and I was like fuck it. I'm done. I'm going to bed

I should have done that. Now it's 1:07 and I've got 2 pages of crap but it's only a draft so hey. Off to get 5 hours of sleep for my first day of school! Yay!

[Countess D'If]

Tatty bye!

[fleaball]

I'm so fucking tired oh my god. And I won't be home until 14 hours from now. It's gonna be a great day. 

 

In a vague sort of better news, I realized that while my paper thing might not win awards it's probably not as bad as I think. Mostly because I didn't include a lot of stuff I wanted to, but I don't think that stuff was actually necessary. So there's that. 

[fleaball]

lol nope. Get to work and submit the thing to the appropriate people (because I wasn't sending it at 1am), and in rereading the email I got on Friday I realize I totally left out an entire section that is apparently needed. Again, it's the indicators. I can come up with shit if necessary but I don't want to be locked into something I picked at random just because I was given zero time to actually do the thing. I'm so fucking mad that this professor took so long to get this shit started. Realistically, would I have gotten a jump on it over Christmas break? Not given the circumstances. But at least I would have had time to think about it instead of "yes please give us a comprehensive thing within 5 days of finding out what the project is even though you've got other shit going on."

 

The rush here is that it's got to be approved by the head of the agency, who gets kicked out of her job on Friday and hasn't been replaced yet (afaik). So this has to get on her desk immediately. Which, again, what the fuck guys.

[fleaball]

Wow. I just had to go fetch an order for my supervisor from a store that's maybe a quarter mile down the street. It took me twenty minutes, tops. But now that I'm back sitting at my computer I've already got the "nope, did too much today" feeling. It's only 12:45. Gonna be a real interesting day. I'm gonna pray my class gets out early tonight. I sometimes hate when that happens but I just need to pass out asap. Although this class looks like it's going to be a fun one. The syllabus is full of sarcasm and stupid jokes. (If anyone saw the fb status I made about taking this class because Advanced Bowling was full, it's the same guy.) (also if we're not FB friends and you want to be, /fleaball. No pressure.)

 

I'm suddenly extra concerned about the proposal. Because I'm waiting for feedback from the woman I sent it to, then at some point before or after that it goes to some committee or whatever, they send it back with comments/questions, THEN it goes to the director, as far as I understand it. And I don't have time to play that game. I'm reminding myself that a.) I didn't necessarily fuck it up in the first place and b.) there's no sense in getting worked up about changes and deadlines when I have no idea what they are to begin with. It's working to a small extent, but I'm trying to focus on knocking out some other small things (sending emails, doing tiny pieces of my only assignment at work) in order to both keep myself occupied and also for the satisfaction of crossing things off a list to feel like I've done something. 

 

Haven't gotten the results of the last CT scan yet. Probably won't til at least tomorrow. Presumably there's nothing on it but I'd like to know just because. 

[fleaball]

HAHAHAHA NOPE. Just checked online. There's a 3mm nodule on one of my lungs. The radiologist's report says to do another CT scan in 12 months "if there's tobacco use or malignancy history. Otherwise, this requires no additional followup." Pulmonologist says we'll discuss when I go back 2/16 but it's "not likely to be cancer." Can I just quit right now? 

[fleaball]

Uhhh, so in other news, I randomly just got a partial scholarship? Apparently there was money left over in the school or something so they went looking for students with great academic performance? (I'm sure there are people with higher GPAs but I'll take it. Maybe it's just because I got a merit award when I was initially accepted and they went to that list first?) It covers 3 of my 9 credits. If all of my classes were in my specific school at the university they'd cover 6 credits, but one of them isn't. Boo. If I had known I'd have planned my classes better but as it is there's nothing in my school that I can replace the other one with. (There is one, technically, and I would like the skills that it offers, but in terms of actual career relevance I'm better off where I am. Booooo.) Jesus look at me complaining that I'm getting free money. I wonder if it will reduce the financial aid I got? Hmm.

 

Maybe the universe feels bad about all this shit it's dumping on me all at once. Relatedly, I'm already over the lung thing. Maybe not over so much as just choosing not to dedicate mental space to it right now?

 

istg the next time people ask how my challenge threads get so long I'm just going to send them here. Of the 15 posts on this page, 10 are from me. Currently wondering how many of you see me in your notifications and just go "jesus Christ, again?"

[Sylvaa]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

HAHAHAHA NOPE. Just checked online. There's a 3mm nodule on one of my lungs. The radiologist's report says to do another CT scan in 12 months "if there's tobacco use or malignancy history. Otherwise, this requires no additional followup." Pulmonologist says we'll discuss when I go back 2/16 but it's "not likely to be cancer." Can I just quit right now? 

 

Ugh. Just Ugh. I will love you anyway, lumpy lung and all!

 

[Dagger]

16 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Currently wondering how many of you see me in your notifications and just go "jesus Christ, again?"

Nope. Especially not since it randomly decides to not give me notifications for five posts and then pretends those never happened so I have to remember to scroll to see if I'm in the right place...

 

Also, sorry about the lung. Happy about the scholarship. Nice for something good to come.

[Severine]

I'm with Sylvaa: Ugh flea. Just ugh. Why, why do you get shit on all at once like this? 

 

So I know you said you're not worrying about the lung thing right now but if you're anything like me it's because your brain has short circuited and you'll get around to worrying about it eventually. Maybe at 4AM when we're not around. So allow me to front-load that sucker with the following: people have lumps all over the place for all sorts of reasons that don't do anything bad. My mother has nodules on her thyroid. Benign. I have enlarged lymph nodes in my neck. Totally harmless (and yes, it was so fun figuring that out, not like I assumed I was dying the whole time...haha...nope of course not) and the list goes on and on. Doctors are super careful about this stuff because in the US they're terrified of being sued for missing something so they often err on the side of over-testing if you have insurance to pay for it. So if the multiple doctors aren't worried, you should listen to them. They probably wouldn't even have ever found this thing if it weren't for your reflux issues, which is almost certainly what's causing the pain, and you'd have gone happily through your entire life without even knowing. So report any symptoms that change, but otherwise do not let this hang out in your brain. Lung cancer in non-smokers is very rare (like 10% of all lung cancers) and you don't have other risk factors like working in mines or whatever. Plus you're young, etc. The list of reasons that it's incredibly unlikely is long. And the fact that the recommendation doesn't even include follow-up *unless* you're a smoker or have previous cancer history is really telling. If they were on the fence, they'd recommend follow-up.

 

Also, congrats on the scholarship! You deserve some good bloody news.

 

You're awesome. Keep on flea-ing. 

 

I haven't used Facebook since 2007 but you guys allllmost tempted me back with your coolness. Almost.

 

[Severine]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Currently wondering how many of you see me in your notifications and just go "jesus Christ, again?"

 

Oh, and not me. I really like reading your posts.

 

I don't do friendship-as-charity. If I am friends with someone (online or IRL) it is because I think they're interesting, and knowing them adds something to my life.

[fleaball]

Yeah my roommate already gave me the lecture. =P I'm tempted to google what can cause nodules on a lung purely out of curiosity but I also have no desire to go down that fucking rabbit hole. I'm sure I'll freak out at some point regardless, but I think I'm sort of solid in it right now? Lung cancer is thankfully not one of the many my family has had (my grandfather had it but he died in the 60s after years of working with asbestos and other fun stuff so that doesn't count). I do have 22 years' worth of secondhand smoke exposure (thanks mom) but if my mother doesn't actually have lung cancer after almost 40 years of 1-2 packs a day, it would be ridiculous for me to get it. I did smoke a bit when I was in Morocco (drunk and out with dude you're crushing hard on? Baaaad life choice) but over the very brief period i didn't even go through an entire pack. There was also hookah a few times in Jordan but again, negligible in the big picture. So yeah. Not too many risk factors come to mind and I should be fine. (I did google the symptoms last week and I don't have any anyway so that helps.) 

 

The interesting thing is that it's not in a place where I have chest pain. It's in the upper portion of the lower lobe in my right lung. iirc from high school anatomy, stuff is labeled from the doctor's perspective, so when they say right they mean my left side. Which is not where anything hurts. ( @Sylvaa you're the medical person. Did I pull this out of my ass?) 

 

Anyway. Meh. 

 

I'm going to be extra about having to drop that shitty class last semester because if I hadn't I'd be getting more scholarshup money rn. Ah well.  I'm sure it will all work out in the end. 

[fleaball]

8 minutes ago, Severine said:

 

Oh, and not me. I really like reading your posts.

 

I don't do friendship-as-charity. If I am friends with someone (online or IRL) it is because I think they're interesting, and knowing them adds something to my life.

Haha I was mostly teasing, but this is good to know.  

[Severine]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'm tempted to google what can cause nodules on a lung purely out of curiosity but I also have no desire to go down that fucking rabbit hole.

 

Yeah, dude. Please for the love of all that is good and righteous, do not do this thing.

[fleaball]

8 minutes ago, Severine said:

 

Yeah, dude. Please for the love of all that is good and righteous, do not do this thing.

I'm self aware enough not to do the thing. I promise. 

[Sylvaa]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Yeah my roommate already gave me the lecture. =P I'm tempted to google what can cause nodules on a lung purely out of curiosity but I also have no desire to go down that fucking rabbit hole. I'm sure I'll freak out at some point regardless, but I think I'm sort of solid in it right now? Lung cancer is thankfully not one of the many my family has had (my grandfather had it but he died in the 60s after years of working with asbestos and other fun stuff so that doesn't count). I do have 22 years' worth of secondhand smoke exposure (thanks mom) but if my mother doesn't actually have lung cancer after almost 40 years of 1-2 packs a day, it would be ridiculous for me to get it. I did smoke a bit when I was in Morocco (drunk and out with dude you're crushing hard on? Baaaad life choice) but over the very brief period i didn't even go through an entire pack. There was also hookah a few times in Jordan but again, negligible in the big picture. So yeah. Not too many risk factors come to mind and I should be fine. (I did google the symptoms last week and I don't have any anyway so that helps.) 

 

The interesting thing is that it's not in a place where I have chest pain. It's in the upper portion of the lower lobe in my right lung. iirc from high school anatomy, stuff is labeled from the doctor's perspective, so when they say right they mean my left side. Which is not where anything hurts. ( @Sylvaa you're the medical person. Did I pull this out of my ass?) 

 

Sorry, you did indeed pull it out of your butt. The right lung is stage right. 

 

FWIW, 3mm is tiny. So from that perspective there is even less of a chance of it being cancerous, because usually cancerous nodules are much much larger. So your doc saying to have a repeat scan next year is totally normal. Also, nodules can occur after previous illnesses, so it could just be a remnant of the Great Sickness of 2015 (is that the right year?)

[fleaball]

2 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Sorry, you did indeed pull it out of your butt. The right lung is stage right. 

 

FWIW, 3mm is tiny. So from that perspective there is even less of a chance of it being cancerous, because usually cancerous nodules are much much larger. So your doc saying to have a repeat scan next year is totally normal. Also, nodules can occur after previous illnesses, so it could just be a remnant of the Great Sickness of 2015 (is that the right year?)

Oh. I got it backwards. The trouble I was remembering from class was looking at a diagram like this and the sides were opposite. Derp. 

 

 

The tumor my mother has on her lung is 2mm but it was caused by the pancreatic cancer to that's irrelevant. Except for the size thing. I'm just being argumentative now, still not actually concerned. But yeah you did get the year right. I wonder if that's what she's going to tell me it could be. I actually have any illness-related issues with my lungs (although did apparently have trouble breathing because most nights they put a mask over my face for like 20 minutes and my oxygen was low so jk maybe) but there was the time that they gave me 9L of fluid that just hung out in my lungs for a bit so they had to give me a diuretic. Eeeenteresting. Medical things are fascinating except for the part where they're also complicated and kind of gross.