Dealing with unconscious stress?

[Siferiax]

I've been noticing this extremely weird pattern in my behavior.

I'm completely fine and feeling nice and what not.

Then suddenly out of nowhere I completely lose my temper.

Then I burst out crying.

I would say its a stressed out reaction. I feel really stressed when I lose my temper / am crying.

So I was thinking I'm stressing too much....... Only not consciously?!?!

Is this even possible???

It's just totally getting on my nerves as my "burst outs" seem to happen at the slighest nudge without me being on edge or anything before it.

Like just not too long ago, I was logging on to nerd fitness all happy and what not. Then my cat wants to play or whatever and scratches open my hand (on accident). I completely loose it.

Like screaming, throwing my iPod around loose it.

So I quickly put my poor cat in his room, to avoid further triggers.

And then I just kinda came down and cried.

I mainly cry because I'm completely frustrated that I can't keep my temper in check.

I must note that temper issue do run in my family... As in my dad's side of the family, pretty much all my aunts and uncles and my dad himself. Thanks to the awesome power of calm that is my mom, both me and my dad had calmed down and not having temper outburst fights for years.

Only now I seem to keep having these temper issues again. (anger management issues if you will, though I don't view them that way. I don't generally get angry, only these bursts of rage more or less)

So my question is, how can I deal with this?!

How can I deal with something I'm only aware of when it's too late?

I mean if this really is stress, then how come I don't notice it? How can I get myself to notice it?

This is really bothering me. Kind of embarrassed about it too. Cause you know, I can't keep myself under control.

(FYI, just a little extra background, I have a history of beating up bullies under the same fashion, temper out burst/rage, blind rage really, barely any memory and only aware of it after the fact.)

Oh and I've been to a psychologist in the past. She took this test of my personality and concluded I had a lot of anger/rage in me? Which is funny because "I feel like smashing things" answered with "often", wasn't totally obvious. Then again to be fair I did have a big stress/frustration/anger factor in my life at that moment. Soooo glad he's out of my life now. Anyway...

This is getting really long, I'm sorry. I'm just kinda... Spilling right now, because this is so very frustrating for me.

[RandomWanderer]

One word.... Meditation, specifically buddhist meditation on mindfulness of breath.

When you meditate you begin to see how the mental processes work. When you are mindful you will see where the anger, fear, frustration, and anxiety come from, how they arise in your mind and how they go away. This leads to a point where you don't need to be sitting on a cushion and you'll more easily see the mental processes in action during your every day activities.

The emotions without a doubt don't " come out of nowhere" you are just a normal human being like all of us in that you don't have mindfulness to see clearly.. The medicine for that is meditation.

Also, have you ever seen a (good) therapist? They may be helpful. I still see a therapist regularly going back years related to my emotional eating, depression, and my wife's death. It can be very helpful.

[Siferiax]

One word.... Meditation, specifically buddhist meditation on mindfulness of breath.

When you meditate you begin to see how the mental processes work. When you are mindful you will see where the anger, fear, frustration, and anxiety come from, how they arise in your mind and how they go away. This leads to a point where you don't need to be sitting on a cushion and you'll more easily see the mental processes in action.

The emotions without a doubt don't " come out of nowhere" you are just a normal human being like all of us in that you don't have mindfulness to see clearly.. The medicine for that is meditation.

Also, have you ever seen a good therapist? They may be helpful. I still see a therapist regularly going back years related to my emotional eating, depression, and my wife's death. It can be very helpful.

Thanks!!!

Not sure how to do the whole meditation part though?! When I focus on my breath I start hyperventilating.

Also not really a fan of therapists/doctors and all that sort.

The only thing I ever hear is "that's normal" or "it'll go away on its own".

And that's not based on just one experience, just consistently throughout my life.

Even when I tried to explain my OCD tendencies, it was considered normal.

Idk... I'm always conflicted between feeling very out of place and everyone saying I'm normal.

Then to be honest I'm super good at hiding everything from the outside world (to give an example, I was pulled apart at work, because I seemed so "happy" while there was a crisis. So I had to kinda convince them that really I did feel responsible and was stressed about it too)

Well I dunno. Mom always says I'm a drama queen. I'm always very conflicted about what's the truth... So I keep telling different stories, changing my reasoning half way through. I just don't know.

I guess I just don't have an answer yet as to who "me" really is.

Wow well using a lot of words!!! But eh, any help on the meditation would be great. I mean I've been looking into it, but can't really get it? After all starting to hyperventilate gets me the opposite of calm...

[RandomWanderer]

I'll send you a message when I'm out of work and we can talk about the meditation.

as far as the therapist thing.. notice I said (good) .... I had to search a bit before I found the one guy I've been seeing who has become more of a friend now then a therapist, I still pay him to sit around and bs about nothing much after all these years. There are a whole lot of useless ones out there.

You seem to have a feeling that you are " not normal"... I can understand that, I've always felt I was a bit " alien" compared with most people and my life experiences have done little else but confirm that haha. But you also don't want to be SEARCHING for all kinds of issues and differences that may not be there either.

[nightlight]

i second the meditation -- even though my practice isn't developed yet. just setting down with yourself and listening to your body is helpful, at least to me.

[Rostov]

I certainly think it's possible for someone not be aware of the amount of stress they're under until they snap. I've only got destructive (chucking things around, punching inanimate objects) in my temper once or twice in my life, but certainly I've found myself snapping at someone or generally making a mountain out of a molehill because of stress, and it taking the shock of finding myself doing that to realise how stressed I was. As I've got older I've got better at spotting the clues in my own behaviour (and better, sometimes seeing them coming) and taking a step back. Trying to retrace things isn't a bad idea, but only once you've completely calmed down and recovered your equilibrium.

A few years back, my office was surrounded by screaming teenagers over here for an English language course. They drove me mad, and I complained and complained to the organisers who did nothing. I threatened them with reporting them to occupational health more out of anger and spite than genuinely believing they were stressing me out rather than being merely annoying. But one Friday I started walking home, and I felt the stress roll out of me in waves as I left work behind me. There's an urban myth (maybe true, but please don't try it) that if you put a frog in a pan of water, you can gradually heat it up until it's too hot and the frog dies before it notices the temperature change. If you put a frog straight in to hot water, it'll jump straight out. But slowly crank up the heat, and it won't notice. Think it's a bit like that.

Can't comment on RandomWanderer's meditation suggestion, but it sounds worth a try. Where I can wholeheartedly agree with him is about therapy or counselling. There's still this terrible stigma attached to it, that it's a sign of weakness or self-indulgent narcissism or something like that. It really isn't - it's a temporary helping hand to help deal with stuff. I think it's completely normal and very common to have stress build up slowly over time and to not be fully aware of it, but destructive temper outbursts with no obvious trigger, or blackout rages.... they're not normal. Not unheard of, but not normal. You said you were "super good at hiding everything from the outside world", and I'm sure you are.... but that comes at a cost, and perhaps you're paying that cost when the anger breaks through. Things come out somewhere.

Makes me wonder whether what you need isn't a psychologist to work out what's "wrong" with you, but a counsellor you can just talk to honestly, and who can reflect back what he or she is hearing from you.

All the best with sorting this out, and kudos for your bravery in talking about it here.

[Raincloak]

I think you need to see a doctor. If this problem runs in your family, you could have some sort of biochemical imbalance that is causing it. Don't give me that "oh, I don't like doctors" business. Most people don't like going to the doctor, that doesn't make you special. If you'd rather suffer than address the problem, that's your choice, but don't avoid treatment just because you "don't like doctors."

Go to the doc, and if the doctor prescribes you some medication, don't refuse it just because you "don't like medicine." (No normal person likes medicine, that doesn't make you special either.) You're paying an expert for her advice, so discuss your concerns, ask a few questions, and then consider actually doing what she says. Just to see what happens. I mean, what if it works and you actually get better? How nice would that be?

As for the therapy thing: if you have a problem that is interfering with your life and it hasn't gotten better on its own, it might be time to hire a professional. Counseling does not have to be unpleasant and in fact, it shouldn't. Interview several counselors and don't hire one until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. I don't know how counseling works in your country, but in the USA there are several different styles, and you need to find a specialist in a style that suits you. A good therapist can help you identify your patterns and learn how to change them. Particularly if you have free health care, you should take advantage of this.

I suspect there is nothing wrong with your personality. Don't waste your time on a counselor who subjects you to "personality tests." Your problem is either one of habit or one of biology, and those can be fixed.

[MuayTyson]

Bingo Raincloak what I would say but you said it better.

I am very ADD meditation is difficult for me sitting meditation that is but Qi Gung(Chinese Energy work like moving meditation) works very well for me.

[RandomWanderer]

Bingo Raincloak what I would say but you said it better.

I am very ADD meditation is difficult for me sitting meditation that is but Qi Gung(Chinese Energy work like moving meditation) works very well for me.

unfortunately most people think that meditation has to be on a cushion sitting still, there is also walking meditation.. and btw Qi Gung is very good, glad to see it helps you, I do a type of QI Gung every week at kung fu which is circle walking.

As for the therapy thing: if you have a problem that is interfering with your life and it hasn't gotten better on its own, it might be time to hire a professional. Counseling does not have to be unpleasant and in fact, it shouldn't. Interview several counselors and don't hire one until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. I don't know how counseling works in your country, but in the USA there are several different styles, and you need to find a specialist in a style that suits you. A good therapist can help you identify your patterns and learn how to change them. Particularly if you have free health care, you should take advantage of this.

.

well said!

[Siferiax]

First off, thanks everyone for your helpful comments!!!

I'll send you a message when I'm out of work and we can talk about the meditation.

as far as the therapist thing.. notice I said (good) .... I had to search a bit before I found the one guy I've been seeing who has become more of a friend now then a therapist, I still pay him to sit around and bs about nothing much after all these years. There are a whole lot of useless ones out there.

You seem to have a feeling that you are " not normal"... I can understand that, I've always felt I was a bit " alien" compared with most people and my life experiences have done little else but confirm that haha. But you also don't want to be SEARCHING for all kinds of issues and differences that may not be there either.

Thanks, that would be great!

Yeah I guess you're right

Ah no, definitely not. I rather just be happy and normal

i second the meditation -- even though my practice isn't developed yet. just setting down with yourself and listening to your body is helpful, at least to me.

Thank you!

I certainly think it's possible for someone not be aware of the amount of stress they're under until they snap. I've only got destructive (chucking things around, punching inanimate objects) in my temper once or twice in my life, but certainly I've found myself snapping at someone or generally making a mountain out of a molehill because of stress, and it taking the shock of finding myself doing that to realise how stressed I was. As I've got older I've got better at spotting the clues in my own behaviour (and better, sometimes seeing them coming) and taking a step back. Trying to retrace things isn't a bad idea, but only once you've completely calmed down and recovered your equilibrium.

A few years back, my office was surrounded by screaming teenagers over here for an English language course. They drove me mad, and I complained and complained to the organisers who did nothing. I threatened them with reporting them to occupational health more out of anger and spite than genuinely believing they were stressing me out rather than being merely annoying. But one Friday I started walking home, and I felt the stress roll out of me in waves as I left work behind me. There's an urban myth (maybe true, but please don't try it) that if you put a frog in a pan of water, you can gradually heat it up until it's too hot and the frog dies before it notices the temperature change. If you put a frog straight in to hot water, it'll jump straight out. But slowly crank up the heat, and it won't notice. Think it's a bit like that.

Can't comment on RandomWanderer's meditation suggestion, but it sounds worth a try. Where I can wholeheartedly agree with him is about therapy or counselling. There's still this terrible stigma attached to it, that it's a sign of weakness or self-indulgent narcissism or something like that. It really isn't - it's a temporary helping hand to help deal with stuff. I think it's completely normal and very common to have stress build up slowly over time and to not be fully aware of it, but destructive temper outbursts with no obvious trigger, or blackout rages.... they're not normal. Not unheard of, but not normal. You said you were "super good at hiding everything from the outside world", and I'm sure you are.... but that comes at a cost, and perhaps you're paying that cost when the anger breaks through. Things come out somewhere.

Makes me wonder whether what you need isn't a psychologist to work out what's "wrong" with you, but a counsellor you can just talk to honestly, and who can reflect back what he or she is hearing from you.

All the best with sorting this out, and kudos for your bravery in talking about it here.

Thank you!

Haha yeah I know that myth I think it may be that. And indeed just little irritations could be getting to me.

Hmmm aren't really bothered by the stigma, more by the "it's not helping me" conviction. Then again, it's part of what you do with it, I guess.

And hiding things comes at a really high cost!! People have actually literally said to me "you're always happy, aren't you?". So whenever I'm down, nobody notices.

Bottling things up is very wrong, at least in my experience.

I think you need to see a doctor. If this problem runs in your family, you could have some sort of biochemical imbalance that is causing it. Don't give me that "oh, I don't like doctors" business. Most people don't like going to the doctor, that doesn't make you special. If you'd rather suffer than address the problem, that's your choice, but don't avoid treatment just because you "don't like doctors."

Go to the doc, and if the doctor prescribes you some medication, don't refuse it just because you "don't like medicine." (No normal person likes medicine, that doesn't make you special either.) You're paying an expert for her advice, so discuss your concerns, ask a few questions, and then consider actually doing what she says. Just to see what happens. I mean, what if it works and you actually get better? How nice would that be?

As for the therapy thing: if you have a problem that is interfering with your life and it hasn't gotten better on its own, it might be time to hire a professional. Counseling does not have to be unpleasant and in fact, it shouldn't. Interview several counselors and don't hire one until you find someone you feel comfortable talking to. I don't know how counseling works in your country, but in the USA there are several different styles, and you need to find a specialist in a style that suits you. A good therapist can help you identify your patterns and learn how to change them. Particularly if you have free health care, you should take advantage of this.

I suspect there is nothing wrong with your personality. Don't waste your time on a counselor who subjects you to "personality tests." Your problem is either one of habit or one of biology, and those can be fixed.

Thanks for your no bullshit reply

Just to counter a little, it's not that I don't like doctors, it's more my growing belief they can't help me?

I can think of more than 1 reason why, but mostly because as my mom always tells me "I can give you all the advice, but you will have to do it". I think therapy is a bit the same.

True to that. Meds I've gotten in the past generally have worked, though they weren't for "mental issues".

I do what the doctor says, pretty much.

To be honest, I don't know how it works in my country either, so that helps.

Finding someone I'm comfortable talking with, isn't so much the problem. It's someone who can punch through my answers.

To be honest anyone who asks me to assess whether it's okay to stop treatment, isn't the best match.

I would say "yes, I'm feeling good". And then after stopping end up right back where I started.

I don't have free health care unfortunately. Though I am paying for it monthly, might as well use it... that is, if it's even covered.

I'm not really in a position to say, I can't do it because of finances, because that's simply not true.

I suspect the same to be honest. I definitely need to crack open this health care system and find out how it works.

Though in my experience there's this whole "you come with your problem, we fix your problem, you'll be on your way".

I had this program, which would translate to "self-knowledge method". However it kept coming back to the problem I addressed at first, not whichever I may bump into along the way.

Unfortunately I'm not very assertive in face to face situations. (something I often mentally slap myself for later). People easily intimidate me haha.

Anyway, I'll go see what I can dig up

So thanks everyone for all your help!!! Definitely going to try and find some professional help!

[Eurydice]

To be honest anyone who asks me to assess whether it's okay to stop treatment, isn't the best match.

I would say "yes, I'm feeling good". And then after stopping end up right back where I started.

Nobody can make you stay in therapy. It's always going to be on you to put in the work and to figure out for yourself when the work is done. Saying "No, I don't think I'm okay to stop therapy yet" isn't any different from saying that you need therapy to begin with, and if you're there then you clearly managed that.

I'm glad you're getting therapy and I wish you the best of luck, but I have to tell you, it does sound like you've got your excuses all set up for why it's going to fail and it won't be your fault. If that happens, I am going to gently suggest that you find someone else to give your cat a good home. I promise you, your cat will continue to be a cat for as long as it lives, and it doesn't deserve an owner who's going to have screaming temper tantrums and lock it in the bedroom for doing cat things.

[Siferiax]

Nobody can make you stay in therapy. It's always going to be on you to put in the work and to figure out for yourself when the work is done. Saying "No, I don't think I'm okay to stop therapy yet" isn't any different from saying that you need therapy to begin with, and if you're there then you clearly managed that.

I'm glad you're getting therapy and I wish you the best of luck, but I have to tell you, it does sound like you've got your excuses all set up for why it's going to fail and it won't be your fault. If that happens, I am going to gently suggest that you find someone else to give your cat a good home. I promise you, your cat will continue to be a cat for as long as it lives, and it doesn't deserve an owner who's going to have screaming temper tantrums and lock it in the bedroom for doing cat things.

That's true. Hopefully meditation would enable me to be a better judge whether I'm done or not.

Nah, I got my excuses all set for sabotaging myself into failing is more what it is.

That's why I need long term therapy with a good therapist.

Please don't judge my cat care though. Pretty much all books on cat care that I have say it's not okay for a cat to attack its owner, playful or otherwise.

He needs to learn it's not okay to scratch me. He pretty much out of nowhere attacks me, it's not like I'm engaging in play.

So yeah I could go slapping him for doing that, or I could put him out of the room for 5 minutes, have him calm down and then let him come back in.

Also I don't have a screaming tantrum over it every single time. It's just what triggered me yesterday.

[Siferiax]

Found something called psychomotor therapy, which is like psychotherapy, but it's focused on not just talking, but moving.

Moving in the sense of sports, but also experiencing your body and practicing behavior.

Also found some place nearby that offers this. So I'm going to contact them, see if I can get sessions there

Edit: the site specifically mentioned impuls control / anger management issues.

[Crowbeak]

You might also consider yoga (slash pilates). Yoga was developed by monks who wanted to be able to meditate without their bodies wasting away. It helps develop strength, joint health, and flexibility, and you can meditate while you do it. You do want to take deep breaths, but you can concentrate more on form and still get your meditate on.

[cammocat@gmail.com]

Hey. I know where your coming from. Used to, and guess still am, in the same boat.

For me, what helped was having an outlet for that energy. Not necessarily "Let;'s get angry and scream and have real emotions!" but I found I had fewer meltdowns when I was doing something aggressive (roller derby, martial arts) or exhausting (running, aiming for 100 push ups a day). I find if I am not doing something physical, my temper seems to get out of control.

It's still not perfect - I sometimes work myself into rages that require an hour of dancing to Disney songs to dissipate, but it did help me. And if I could feel a meltdown coming on from stress, even though I felt fine I could sort of sense it, I knew that was time to go and wear myself out.

Again, only talking from my experience. I hope it helps.

[RescuedRuckus]

I agree to all the above with the meditation idea (prayer works too if you've got religious notions), as well as the seeing a therapist. One important part of unconscious stress is identifying the source(s). Another thing to consider is acupuncture. I used to get it for physical tourettes and it a) pretty much cured them and was always a big stress relief for me. Relaxes you so much it's ridiculous.

[Siferiax]

You might also consider yoga (slash pilates). Yoga was developed by monks who wanted to be able to meditate without their bodies wasting away. It helps develop strength, joint health, and flexibility, and you can meditate while you do it. You do want to take deep breaths, but you can concentrate more on form and still get your meditate on.

Hmmm that might be a good idea I'll be looking into that as well

Hey. I know where your coming from. Used to, and guess still am, in the same boat.

For me, what helped was having an outlet for that energy. Not necessarily "Let;'s get angry and scream and have real emotions!" but I found I had fewer meltdowns when I was doing something aggressive (roller derby, martial arts) or exhausting (running, aiming for 100 push ups a day). I find if I am not doing something physical, my temper seems to get out of control.

It's still not perfect - I sometimes work myself into rages that require an hour of dancing to Disney songs to dissipate, but it did help me. And if I could feel a meltdown coming on from stress, even though I felt fine I could sort of sense it, I knew that was time to go and wear myself out.

Again, only talking from my experience. I hope it helps.

I definitely agree with you. When I'm actually aware of my stress, being on edge and all that. I hop on my stationary bike and go all out on it, for as long as it takes to have me panting and no longer feeling stressed. It's probably something that gets me grounded again.

I agree to all the above with the meditation idea (prayer works too if you've got religious notions), as well as the seeing a therapist. One important part of unconscious stress is identifying the source(s). Another thing to consider is acupuncture. I used to get it for physical tourettes and it a) pretty much cured them and was always a big stress relief for me. Relaxes you so much it's ridiculous.

Hah, I will never consider acupuncture. I have a fear/phobia for needles... so I'll be all stressed about something that's suppose to relax me. Don't think that's such a good option.

~~~~

Little update. Haven't contacted the therapy yet, but have been doing some reflexion, see if I can find some stressors.

~ work. After months of quiet time everyone is suddenly demanding my time. It's hard to tell what has priority. (1 person going "people are waiting for this" and then another about the same thing "oh but this doesn't have priority".) I should probably just follow the guide of the person officially planning my activities, and redirect everyone there? I just feel responsible and I don't wanna be "that" person. I don't like bothering people/annoying them.

~ laundry. This requires a little longer to explain. I live by myself with my cat. This means I'm responsible for EVERYTHING. I come from a background where I was responsible for NOTHING. I have a full time job, I need to do groceries, I need to do laundry, I need to do cleaning, I need to do the dishes, I need to take care of my cat, I need to exercise, I need to cook, and I generally want to do something fun as well. I get overwhelmed over it. Sure I can do everything, but I'll have little time for myself.

I haven't found a working system for dealing with this yet.

My mom was really really sweet and offered to take over laundry. (now you see how I got to be responsible for nothing, mom doesn't want to burden me too much haha)

So my biggest problem is ironing. I just can't get to it.

Then yesterday I had to really draw the conclusion my dryer is broken.

So last night I was just overwhelmed and melted down, but just crying, no tantrums this time. Been whatsapping with my mom. Basically going to be taking all my laundry to my parents until my dryer is fixed and after that any backlog of laundry I get myself into.

Yes maybe I sound like a drama queen with the "I can't handle life on my own", but seriously. I get my 8 hours sleep at night. So I go to sleep at 9:15pm and get up at 5:15am.

To avoid starting the day stressing I take my time in the morning! I leave the house at around 6am. I'm at work about half an hour after leaving home. I work till around 3:30pm.

Sometimes shorter, sometimes longer. I do grocery shopping directly out of work, so I'll be home at 4:30~5pm. Then I have till 9:15pm to take care of the rest.

Then of course there's the weekends, turns out the last few weeks I didn't have much of those to "catch up" on chores and etc. 2 weekends away from home, then one weekend where I tried, but of course things get in the way. Then last weekend I had to shop for new clothes. And then I generally don't wanna do chores on weekends as I'm feeling entitled to relax a little. (as I do a lot during the week).

I know what doesn't work though, letting things pile up for the weekend to take care of it then.

So I need to find a balance in that. I keep adjusting my planning, to hopefully find what works.

I make a "Today I will..." list which seems to help.

Okay so maybe it wasn't a "little" update

The 18 min on my stationary bike yesterday did help though!

Could've gone longer if it wasn't for medical issues starting to be a problem, or rather the "cure" for them lol. (I have an inflammation of the fat tissue in my leg, or something like that. Basically should go away on its own, nothing them doctors could do besides giving me this sock thing to put on my foot/leg)

I'm also suspecting a serious sugar crash (low blood sugar) to be a stressor. Apparently a symptom is irritability, as well as heart palpitations, which I've had.

[Rostov]

~ work. After months of quiet time everyone is suddenly demanding my time. It's hard to tell what has priority. (1 person going "people are waiting for this" and then another about the same thing "oh but this doesn't have priority".) I should probably just follow the guide of the person officially planning my activities, and redirect everyone there? I just feel responsible and I don't wanna be "that" person. I don't like bothering people/annoying them.

Anyone who has line management responsibility for other staff is responsible for helping them set their priorities and explaining and defending their priorities to others. It's their job, and you shouldn't feel or be made to feel like you're bothering them by asking for guidance on priority setting, or getting involved to defend your priorities in case of problems or conflicts. I think a good manager shouldn't interfere or micromanage their staff or tell them exactly what to do in exactly what order (in most jobs, anyway), but they absolutely need to be there if people who report to them are unsure of their priorities, or are getting grief from others about those priorities - and that's especially true if those people giving the grief or saying that other things aren't a priority are more senior than you.

~ laundry. This requires a little longer to explain. I live by myself with my cat. This means I'm responsible for EVERYTHING. I come from a background where I was responsible for NOTHING. I have a full time job, I need to do groceries, I need to do laundry, I need to do cleaning, I need to do the dishes, I need to take care of my cat, I need to exercise, I need to cook, and I generally want to do something fun as well. I get overwhelmed over it. Sure I can do everything, but I'll have little time for myself.

I haven't found a working system for dealing with this yet.

I've got no answers for you here, but I do sympathise and empathise. But it's not uncommon to feel overwhelmed in the face of your own independence (or non-dependence). The author of the original blog where the 'clean all the things' meme came from clearly felt the same way. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

I think most people (myself included) are lucky enough to be gradually exposed to independence. First at university in halls (where you don't cook or clean) or shared accommodation (where you have rotas), then perhaps house sharing during their first job, and then perhaps moving in with a partner. Some people have probably never lived alone and had to do *everything* themselves. So it's not easy if you're having to do everything yourself, all at once. But be patient with yourself, and look for routines, short cuts, and multi-tasking opportunities - as I'm sure you already are. Best of luck with it.

[Siferiax]

Anyone who has line management responsibility for other staff is responsible for helping them set their priorities and explaining and defending their priorities to others. It's their job, and you shouldn't feel or be made to feel like you're bothering them by asking for guidance on priority setting, or getting involved to defend your priorities in case of problems or conflicts. I think a good manager shouldn't interfere or micromanage their staff or tell them exactly what to do in exactly what order (in most jobs, anyway), but they absolutely need to be there if people who report to them are unsure of their priorities, or are getting grief from others about those priorities - and that's especially true if those people giving the grief or saying that other things aren't a priority are more senior than you.

I'm in a little tricky situation work-wise. As I'm pretty much never dealing with my true direct manager I'm working at a client.

Also I feel I'm bothering people by not immediately taking action on their request. That's an authority problem.

You see I deal with 3 people. My teamlead, who's responsible for planning what project gets executed by who and when. He gives me a list of tasks and when I should be done with them.

There's the functional teamlead of the computersystem I work on, so in terms of hierarchy he has no say over me directly, but he's pretty much my senior. Then there's the other functional guy for this system. He's pretty much on the same level as me. I'm pretty much intimidated by the functional teamlead. He was the one saying something didn't have priority.

I'm basically getting requests that are part of projects and I get side things, I get things for projects that I'm currently not reserved for, but have worked on in the past.

Basically I should grow balls and tell them to go to my teamlead if they want me to do something. The only problem is that this whole work method is new. So everyone is getting used to that. Another difficulty is that I kinda do have time. This will probably change when I can get down to estimating a correct number of hours for my tasks.

tldr; I need to grow balls and say no.

I've got no answers for you here, but I do sympathise and empathise. But it's not uncommon to feel overwhelmed in the face of your own independence (or non-dependence). The author of the original blog where the 'clean all the things' meme came from clearly felt the same way. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html

I think most people (myself included) are lucky enough to be gradually exposed to independence. First at university in halls (where you don't cook or clean) or shared accommodation (where you have rotas), then perhaps house sharing during their first job, and then perhaps moving in with a partner. Some people have probably never lived alone and had to do *everything* themselves. So it's not easy if you're having to do everything yourself, all at once. But be patient with yourself, and look for routines, short cuts, and multi-tasking opportunities - as I'm sure you already are. Best of luck with it.

OH! I've read that post yes That graph indeed is exactly how I feel!

That's true. Until 2 years ago I had lived with my parents. Yes through college and everything.

Then I moved out to a 1 room apartment. I struggled with household then already. Moved back to my parents due to other issues with where I was living.

I moved back out in April this year (after nearly a year back at my parents, though most of it was waiting for my house to be finished building).

And I'm just really really terribly lazy. Partly due to not having many responsibilities growing up, partly due to my personality (the side I got from my dad. Funny enough I also have my mom's side which is the opposite of lazy. The moment I have momentum I go with that side, but getting started...)

My mom's very rigid on tidiness and cleaning. So when I have friends over, I'll be all "don't mind the mess" and they'll be all "omg your apartment is always so tidy".

There's a perception rift the size of the grand canyon

So I'm currently coming to terms with cleaning "less important areas" only once every 2 weeks, instead of every week. (I generally don't do it for weeks, it's more of a feeling thing haha)

It's a mindset thing I guess.

[Siferiax]

Guys, I still just wanted to leave an update on this. I actually haven't had any trouble anymore.

The incident I posted about was pretty much the last I had too.

So all's well and good. Stress factors have been taken care off.

Oh no, I didn't go into therapy. I had a doctor's appointment standing, then injured my ankle.... yeah....

Maybe I'm just a drama queen -shrug- I dunno.

[LRB]

Didn't read everything, but want to offer up the following thought:

I had similar issues. Went away with prozac (yes, treatment for depression). Check this out:

"while we often think of people with depression as being sullen or morose, both the depressed person and those he or she comes into contact with may notice one other emotion in the early stages of depression: anger.The depressed person may lash out at loved ones, or even strangers, and seem uncharacteristically consumed with rage. Anything may set off the outbursts, and even when it's not being expressed, anger might be occupying his or her thoughts" (http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/depression/questions/link-between-depression-and-anger.htm )

"It is more likely, however, for a person with a psychological predisposition toward anger to experience anger as a part of depression."

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/28037-can-depression-cause-anger/#ixzz28QZ647hW

TL;DR - consider whether the anger is a symptom of depression. I didn't think mine was, but it certainly responded to the same therapy that treated my depression.

[rtalencar]

Not exactly friendly, but I hit things.

I've been doing martial arts for years. I'll go to the dojo, punch my knuckles bloody, and then hit the wing chun dummy until my forearms are smashed. I also do a lot of grappling work with choke defenses when I'm pissed off. I'm not very good at meditating, but I feel like I do when I'm getting blood choked, I dunno.

It bothers my wife that my vents are so violent, but it keeps me calm.

[Siferiax]

Didn't read everything, but want to offer up the following thought:

I had similar issues. Went away with prozac (yes, treatment for depression). Check this out:

"while we often think of people with depression as being sullen or morose, both the depressed person and those he or she comes into contact with may notice one other emotion in the early stages of depression: anger.The depressed person may lash out at loved ones, or even strangers, and seem uncharacteristically consumed with rage. Anything may set off the outbursts, and even when it's not being expressed, anger might be occupying his or her thoughts" (http://health.howstuffworks.com/mental-health/depression/questions/link-between-depression-and-anger.htm )

"It is more likely, however, for a person with a psychological predisposition toward anger to experience anger as a part of depression."

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/28037-can-depression-cause-anger/#ixzz28QZ647hW

TL;DR - consider whether the anger is a symptom of depression. I didn't think mine was, but it certainly responded to the same therapy that treated my depression.

That's really interesting. I've had trouble with depression before, and I was also pretty aggressive during that time.

Who knows...

Thank you both for your comments

And rtalencar: yes, only I'm painphobic haha. So I've tried just punching something, but I'd be too afraid to hurt myself, so... didn't really help

[rtalencar]

yes, only I'm painphobic haha. So I've tried just punching something, but I'd be too afraid to hurt myself, so... didn't really help

Releasing aggression doesn't have to result in trauma as in my case. Some people take it out on weight lifting sessions, or crazy runs, or knitting, or whatever. My main point was to find something that you can throw yourself into with abandon and that truly lets you disconnect from everything else. For me that's fighting, for you it could be something totally different.

After fighting, everything else in your life got the volume turned down.

[walt_mink]

I had similar issues. Went away with prozac (yes, treatment for depression). Check this out:

+1 for me too. My dad also has anger issues and I do too. Prozac has been a real help in my life and I'm glad I found it.