Young children and body image

[spezzy]

So I know this could probably go into the parenting forum, but I'd like to hear people's thoughts even if you're not parents.

 

My cousin posted the following on facebook last night:

 

"Just had to talk to my daughter about loving herself and being proud and happy about the way she is after she told me she wants her legs to be thinner.  This truly breaks my heart."

 

So I know, you're sitting here thinking... ok, a lot of girls talk to their moms about wanting their legs to be thinner, right?  

 

Here's the kicker: she's SIX.  (And for the record, she's TINY, super active, and not even the slightest bit of overweight)

 

I'm beyond heartbroken, and as I was looking at the post and I realized I have no idea what to even say.  No advice other than what she's already done - teach the girl to be proud and happy with who she is.  (And she's very lucky to have an amazing, strong and confident mother who I'm sure is handling it 100% correctly, but it really got me thinking.)

 

And on top of all of this, I've also heard reports from some people saying that by 10 or 11, they were admitted into hospitals with eating disorders.  And this doesn't just apply to girls... many have been boys.

 

When did we get to the point where young kids were so concerned with how they looked?

 

How would you instill confidence in a young child to ensure they do not grow up hating themselves and thinking they need to look like the girls and boys on those thinspo and ana pages?

[spezzy]

and to reply to my own topic, I saw this the other day and thought it was good:

http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/parenting-and-families/when-your-mother-says-shes-fat-20130604-2nnxq.html

[Thrillho]

My middle daughter has been called 'fat' by the boys and girls in her class. It started when she was six, and she is now seven.  Here's a picture of my fat little daughter.

 

 

Yes, that's her with a TRIATHLON MEDAL... and a victory hot dog.  Just visible in the background in the purple dress is her little sister, who has also been called fat by a couple boys in her KINDERGARTEN CLASS.

 

What the hell, world?

 

All three of my kids know their parents are fat.  We hold no illusions about this.  I've had a lot of success losing a LOT of weight, but I'm still pretty heavy all over, and my wife is festively plump and always has been (quick aside: and she's hawt).  We've had a lot of talks over the last year about body image, and pretty much since they were born about nutrition.  My youngest had a lot of food issues, sensory issues, tactile issues, and she would only eat rice for almost a year.  Rice, and gummi vitamins (thank you so much, gummi vitamins).  Me and my wife believe in talking to our kids and treating them intellectually as though they were grownups, so since they were 3 or 4 we've talked about macronutrients, protein, carbs, fat, vitamins and minerals, and balanced diets.  As they get older and they start to realize they have tummies and mommy and daddy jiggle, the talks became about fitness and body type.  We've spent a lot of time telling them that, with their diets (healthy and balances and full of veggies), their bodies are, right now, doing what they are supposed to do. 

 

The biggest message is: When you're older, you can change your body any way you want.  Right now, at your age, activity level is important, but you're going to have a little fat because people are SUPPOSED to have body fat.  It's NECESSARY.  It's BIOLOGICALLY IMPERATIVE.  Uncle Simon has 2% body fat, and he always will... that's just the sort of person he is.  Some people will almost always be plump.  When you're older, you can decide what you want to look like, and you can make it happen... but for right now, you're five / six / seven, and you're doing absolutely fine.

 

The next message is: people will ALWAYS call other people fat.  Do you know how we just got cable? Do you see all the commercials? Do you see how everyone is really, REALLY skinny? That's called 'cultural programming', and it's stupid.

 

This last part ties into the toy-gender discussion.  My girls love tools, truck and trains, toys you can only get in the Boy part of the store. 

 

I may have gone off-topic here, but yes, I absolutely understand where you're coming from!

[Guzzi]

Wow!

This sucks It's so true that our culture teaches our young girls to value beauty and our ability to attract men (find a husband??) over all of our abilities. You may be successful, intelligent, talented, but are you pretty? Are you thin?

I don't really have any advice to offer, but I wanted to say how happy it makes me to hear that there are parents out there who DO teach their children to value themselves on their achievements rather than their dress size.

Ps. Woot woot on the kiddie triathlon!!!

[Thrillho]

 It's so true that our culture teaches our young girls to value beauty and our ability to attract men (find a husband??)

I just had to share one thing:

 

My youngest told me last weekend that the first thing she has to do when she's a grownup is get a husband, so he can teach her how to drive.

 

... uhm, ok, dear, let me explain a few things to you...

[TheHalfie]

Absolutely, 100% breaks my heart. Wanting to lose weight because the weight s going to affect your time on this planet is so different from wanting to lose weight because Katy Perry is skinny, Micha Barton is skinny... 

 

Besides, if you don't love yourself and love who you are this second, body and all, how will you ever get up the courage it takes to make the difficult changes you need to make? 

 

I'm so thankful my parents put me in martial arts as a little girl. Your whole body is covered, and the focus is on what you can do and what you're learning to do, not on how you look doing it. 

[Guzzi]

I just had to share one thing:

My youngest told me last weekend that the first thing she has to do when she's a grownup is get a husband, so he can teach her how to drive.

Baaahaaa! Love it!!!!

[CrimsonTide2006]

It is sad...society has made EVERYTHING about "what you look like"...instead of education,work, morals, values..etc. 

 

 It is clear that the bullies have been allowed to bully people this way, otherwise their parents would do something about it. 

[I-Jo]

I was working out at the park one night... and this van pulled up with a two teenage boys a young boy and the youngest sister- who was a bit of a chunky monkey but I wouldn't have called her fat.

 

The two youngest started playing- they were probably in their like early teens- maybe 9/10 and 11/12ish?

 

And she was mildly curios as to what I was doing- I had the TRX set up and I was running through intervals.

And she asked me what I was doing.

"working out"

 

Little Girl: Oh- I need to loose some weight too

 

"oh honey I"m not trying to lose weight- trying to get harder stronger faster"

 

Little Girl: Oh I drink milk so I can be strong....

 

It was a very sad moment.  not only did she have NO clue that milk didnt' make her strong.  But she only associated working out with losing weight.  It was really sad and depressing- I wanted to give her a hug and tell her she shouldn't worry about losing weight but just be active and strong and fit. 

 

Our society is seriously fucked up.  It's really REALLY depressing.

[Zorch]

I think it's all about the feedback that kids get from their environment - parents, peers, and (unfortunately) the media.

 

#1.  We know the media sucks - I'd try to limit media exposure - though unfortunately they'll get some exposure through their friends.

 

#2. I think what Thrillho discussed is directionally the right thing to do - make the focus with kids about building healthy habits - teach them to eat well, be active, etc. - because it will make them strong and healthy, and try and keep the conversation mostly away from "fat", etc.

 

#3 Peers and "fat" teasing.  This happens.  I think one important thing to teach, particularly as kids get over is that "fat", "stupid", or other type of labels/teasing that get applied can really be lumped into an overall category of bullying, and aren't truly accurate assessments.  Very often it's not really an assessment of the person, so much as someone putting others down to make themselves feel better.  I don't have kids myself so I haven't had to approach this topic, but I think this is how I'd approach it - that a certain person really is just being mean/picking on you, and it's not really about the words they chose, so much as they're just being a bully.

 

It really is unfortunate.  My belief is that having supportive friends and family is the single most important thing for kids.  If I had children, I would definitely be on the lookout for any potentially toxic relationships my child had with friends/classmates, and if I had evidence of said toxic relationships existing, first address the issue with teachers and/or other parents.  While the media sucks, negative interactions/judgement from those you consider "friends" hurts far more, and can be a source of real, lasting psychological damage.

[Guest Dirty Deads]

I think it's hard for a parent to admit or even know if their child is gaining a little too much weight. Yes you're suppose to have body fat, but most parents aren't aware of how much their kid has or should have. This is where I think girls "benefit" for lack of a better term. Girls get body issues young and, if fostered, it can e turned toward a very healthy life. Guys, we are often given whatever food we want and even force fed as kids. I know I'm not the only one who's family would force food down your throat because "you're a growing boy". Then, when you get chubby you're "husky" and "healthy", all the while being told it'll turn into muscle and that women love big men. Maybe it was just me,  I can't believe it was.

[Krisis]

 

This last part ties into the toy-gender discussion.  My girls love tools, truck and trains, toys you can only get in the Boy part of the store. 

 

I may have gone off-topic here, but yes, I absolutely understand where you're coming from!

 

Ha!  My five year old son LOVES My Little Pony (it's his favorite show), kittens, ponies, and the colors pink and purple.  Try finding any of that stuff for boys.  Gymboree has an adorable girl's pony clothing line right now and he is devastated that they only have skulls and guitars for the boys.  Lamesaurus. 

 

I have tried to be careful around my son and not project any of my body image issues onto him.  It helps that he's mildly autistic and 100% clueless regarding bodies and body types and everything.  I'm also grateful that I am obese sometimes because Toby never yells across the grocery store "HEY MOM LOOK AT THAT FAT LADY!"  He's used to me and thinks I'm normal.  Maybe that's not a good thing in the long run but in the short run it sure is.  

[pink]

Body image stuff is everywhere. My daughter is 16 years old, 5' 3", weighs approximately 140-150lbs and she has to fight against the fat shaming society - even though she knows she isn't fat. She is bombarded with ideas that skinny = ideal and even though she is more than intelligent enough to reject those stereotypes, it gets to the best of us at times. It's hard as I have yo-yoed in my weight, but I explain that you should feel happy whatever size you are and it's okay to be skinny, slim, toned, curvy, or even fat. She has friends that are smaller than her and some that are bigger, fortunately she's not in the popular crowd where they all seem to be vastly underweight and it's well known that many of the girls struggle with eating issues/ disorders. I find it appalling that women are always judged on appearance and think that this is still a vastly feminist issue - try reading a newspaper or magazine where the woman's age, or her figure isn't mentioned in some way, it's hard to do and the main reason why I don't buy them. However there are a lot of women standing up and pointing out that there is a problem with this fat shaming society and I see the backlash against it in interviews (Jennifer Lawrence, J.K. Rolling) on YouTube (Laci Green) and on Tumblr everywhere. Sure there are plenty of people that use fat as a negative, but there are plenty of people that are sexist, racist and homophobic too and I take just as little notice of them. 

 

On a side note about gender stereotypes, I think you have to do what works for you. When my son was younger he played with 'girls toys' because he liked pretending to do the washing and cooking etc. so he had a play kitchen and copied his older sister with a matching pushchair and doll. He also used to wear pink clothes and on occasion typically girls items, but as he's gotten older he's ditched these things in favour of xbox and sports. If you and your son don't mind that his clothing choice is stereotypically feminine then you could give him the choice to wear them, even if it's only a t-shirt. Who says that boys can't wear pink anyway! http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2337814/The-death-gender-neutral-clothing-New-book-details-history-blue-pink-gender-synonymous.html

[Thrillho]

My son won't go NEAR pink.  If we're at the pool and he forgot his goggles, he refuses to use his sisters' goggles, because they have a bit of pink in them. He, unfortunately, soaked up a lot of bullsh*t opinions VERY easily from his friends (and lately he's been referring to a lot of things he doesn't like as gay, which has been a whole nother kettle of stupid).

[CrisciMalosh]

My almost 3 year old loves the color pink, and my little pony... his brother tells him that's girl stuff, and Kevin says, "So. I like girls. Girls like this."

[CalvinHobbes]

When I worked at Children's Hospital Boston I was on a unit that admitted kids with anorexia, specifically the ones with medical issues related to anorexia. We had numerous boys and girls, I probably had 1-2 every week.

 

We had a boy who was EIGHT. He apparently had a little chub (when he was six and right before a growth spurt, go figure) and got bullied in school, resulting in him stopping eating. It broke my heart. Both of his parents were fit, healthy people. 

 

It was extremely upsetting to work with someone with anorexia/bulimia at such a young age every day. 

 

 

My almost 3 year old loves the color pink, and my little pony... his brother tells him that's girl stuff, and Kevin says, "So. I like girls. Girls like this."

 

 

I love this. I hope he keeps this attitude his entire life. 

[Erick the Red]

We have two little girls.  They have made comments like this before.

 

It is hard because as they grow out of clothes, it is really easy for them to blame fat legs instead of the fact that they are growing up.

 

It is easy for kids to call each other fat, or stupid, or whatever.  Most of the time they don't even mean it literally ("That stupid bike!") they are just looking for a strong word to use. 

 

We try to calmly tell them that they are not fat, and not over-react when it comes up.

[Zorch]

We had a boy who was EIGHT. He apparently had a little chub (when he was six and right before a growth spurt, go figure) and got bullied in school, resulting in him stopping eating. It broke my heart. Both of his parents were fit, healthy people. 

 

It was extremely upsetting to work with someone with anorexia/bulimia at such a young age every day. 

 

This is why I think a lot of it really falls on parents to keep an eye on what's going on with their kids' relationships, and address potentially toxic situations at the source - the parents of other kids, and teaches who have the ability to nip this kind of teasing in the bud.

 

Unfortunately other parents and teachers aren't always cooperative("not my kid" syndrome), but any increase in the number of parents teaching their kids the importance of not bullying - and standing up and helping others who may be on the receiving end of bullying - would go a long way towards improving the problem.

[CrisciMalosh]

My damn mother in law.... sigh.

 

I have had a huge struggle with my 4.5 year old son and his body image... He was in the 75% for weight before his tonsillectomy (but 95% height, so totally not worried there, he's a strong tall guy). He lost 10% of his body weight post surgery from not eating (which is a worry). His grandmother calls him her "chubby honey"

 

HE'S NOT FUCKING CHUBBY!!!  He has a flat stomach, muscular arms and legs. He was a little pudgy as a baby (but even then not even in the overweight category) and he has round cheeks. HE'S A KID! Now he is obsessing about his healthy eating and doesn't want to gain any weight back. ACK!

 

When did it become so common for people to comment on weight to 4 year olds?!?! He shouldn't even know the word diet, let alone ask me to put him on one! Let kids be kids!

 

 

Our country needs to make a turn around. This is sick.

[Krisis]

I've ordered him a couple of MLP shirts on Redbubble because they're pretty neutral gendered :-)  It's just sad that my mom was like "you can't let him watch that show! He'll be too girly!"  Gah. 

 

So here is my complaint.  Toby has always been extremely thin.  I don't know where he gets it cuz it's NOT FROM ME or his dad, but he's a tiny, tiny kid.  He's super tall for his age group and he never ever stops moving so he's always burning calories.  So he's on medication for ADHD, right?  And he's weighing in at 40 lbs but for the first time ever he's behaving in school and not about to be kicked out and it's like a miracle.  And the doctor literally threatened me.  "If you don't get him to be 43 lbs by next month, I'm taking him off the medication." 

 

It's not like he doesn't eat.  He eats, he just burns everything off.  So I stuffed him full of high calorie crap (ice cream, cookies, whole milk) for a month. And I wonder how many other parents are in the same boat - they're desperate to keep their child on the medication that is literally saving them, but having to feed them crap in order to keep them on it.  It made me so mad. 

[CrisciMalosh]

See, I refused the meds for my son. If his teachers cannot deal with who he is, how he is, then they have no business being teachers. Of course, our case of autism is pretty damn mild, so he isn't too much of a handful.

[Krisis]

It was our idea to medicate him.  We have literally tried everything else and he was out of control.  Not so much from the autism as from the ADHD.  But it was bad.  

[Krisis]

Heh, not that we can tell when he's on a sugar high as he acts insane all the time anyway!  No, but that's pretty much what we did for the last few months.  Lunch was chicken nuggets and French fries from fast food places, because that's the only thing he is 100% guaranteed to eat.  (seriously, of the things you listed, he will sometimes eat peanut butter and sometimes noodles if we sit with him and plead and beg and sometimes glare.)  Then he has a 32 oz. water bottle we fill up with whole milk and I think that's what helped the most.  He drinks 1-2 full bottles a day.  And then we did PediaSure shakes at night to help fill him up.  

 

It worked, because he got up to 43 lbs and the doctor was thrilled.  Then I had a scare 3 weeks ago when he dropped back down to 39 lbs and I started shoving everything in sight down his throat again.  Now he's up to 41 lbs again and I don't have to be quite so panicky.  But dang, I sure wish I had this kid's metabolism!  

 

Sorry to detract from the thread a little bit.  But I do wonder how many parents are threatened by their child's health care providers to the point where they are desperately feeding their children Little Debbie's 9 times a day.  My mom and grandma are always yelling at me because Toby is so thin.  It's not my fault he's thin!  I'm sorry thinness doesn't run in our family, guys, but there's nothing I can do but keep feeding him as much good food as possible and try to keep him away from doughnuts.  (My mom suggested I feed him nothing but Krispy Kreme for a few days.  It's nice to know I come from such healthy roots.)

[CrisciMalosh]

My mother in law constantly chews me out because she thinks that it is mean of me to force my kids to eat their veggies. But seriously, you have to set limitations. If I did not make it a requirement that they eat their veggies before they get second helpings of meat, they would never eat them, and end up an utter food mess like their father. 

 

Back to the original topic... I just read about a new mommy/kid exercise routine based on insanity. INSANITY. For kids? It has some sort of tag line about losing weight with mommy, and looking good. For kids? Do we really need to give young children a work out for a bikini body? (Don't even get me started on the sexualized fashions for young girls these days...)

[girljen]

 

Back to the original topic... I just read about a new mommy/kid exercise routine based on insanity. INSANITY. For kids? It has some sort of tag line about losing weight with mommy, and looking good. For kids? Do we really need to give young children a work out for a bikini body? (Don't even get me started on the sexualized fashions for young girls these days...)

 

OMFG.  My daughter is six years old.  She's in the 88th percentile for height and 91st percentile for weight, which means she's the size of an average eight-year-old.  WHERE THE HELL ARE THE PLAY CLOTHES, SRSLY!  Girl clothes are so impractical!  I shop for my daughter's clothes when she's not there, so I can sneak over to the boys' section and get some decent shorts instead of skirts, and muscle shirts instead of spaghetti strap tanks.

 

The kid has talked to me about body image a few times.  She asks if I want to lose weight (nope), if I want a bikini body ("Any body with a bikini on it is a bikini body!"), and if I want to get rid of my stretch marks (no, I am indifferent to them).