Depression

[Varelse]

Hey, some of us are thinking about a possitive group for the next challenge. We are discussing it here. And, of course, you're welcome if you want to join us or give us any idea.

[blkhole24601]

Depression completely debilitates me, which is why my attempts to get back into fitness the past couple of years have often failed. And my appetite does weird things when I get into my depressive swings: I either eat not at all or eat way too much, and too much junk. How do I get out of the funk? I don't know. Taking a day off work sometimes helps, but I feel bad for it until someone pointed out to me that if someone with a more socially accepted disease or disability called in sick because of it, no one would blink an eye, so why should I feel guilty for calling in sick when I'm having a particularly bad depressive episode? 

 

Back when I was on meds... I can't say I noticed any weight fluctuation, but then, I wasn't noticing much of anything at the time, hence my need for the meds. I might have lost weight because I wasn't eating, but then I might've stayed the same because I also went on BCP at the same time and that tends to cause weight gain so everything might have evened out. Problem with the meds for me was that while they were enough to get me out of bed and going to work, they exacerbated my anxiety, so I eventually weened myself off from them once I got to a better place mentally. 

 

And the positivity group sounds awesome; I'll look into it!!

[Candace Koller]

I'm the same, wild weight fluctuations. Sometimes I don't eat for days and sometimes I eat everything. If it makes you feel better I can't hold a job because of my depression so you are doing really good that you are still able to work.

[cracked_belle]

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 15, but there's not much they'll do for a kid other than children's therapy.  though once I turned 18, I started my first medication.
 
around age 20, it was changed to bipolar.
 
throughout it all, I've also been diagnosed with the following: obsessive-compulsive disorder, borderline personality disorder, anxiety disorder, and adult attention deficit disorder.
 
I have a cocktail of medications that I take, three times a day.  it sucks.
 
two months ago, my depression became stronger than it had been since I was in high school.  I was near suicidal.  I talked to my psychiatrist (who I've been seeing on and off since I was in high school), and we're changing my meds again.  I go back to him in two weeks for a follow-up.
 
I'm better, but I'm still not where I need to be.
 
I fight this by keeping busy.  I don't cancel plans with my friends -- just explain to them that I'm in a bad state, so I'm shitty company.  I keep busy at work and in the evenings.  the less time I have to Feel, the less time I spend noticing my Depression.
 
I also write a lot.  I have a blog, and I journal about my emotions and issues there.
 
and for anyone who struggles with depression and feels guilty about it, remember this:
asking someone with depression "what do you have to be sad about?" is just as ridiculous as asking someone with asthma "why ado you have trouble breathing? there's so much air here."

[redwoodfog]

I've been dealing with depression/anxiety since I was a kid. During my teens it was awful...like, hell. The past several years it has waxed and waned, but has never been as bad as it was before. I think because of this, I have gotten into a state of accepting certain things as facts of life, when really they are symptoms of depression. Constant low energy, irritability, lack of pleasure in things I have enjoyed at one point in time, zero to low motivation. Some days, things that should be simple like taking a shower seem like monumental tasks. And instead of thinking "man, I am dealing with depression" I deride myself with "geez, you're such a lazy bum, you can't even do a simple thing like get in the shower."

 

I have recently bailed on 2 challenges on this site, and after scolding myself thoroughly for my laziness, lack of motivation, disorganization, etc etc, I realized that the challenges are just too much right now. Even if I make modest goals, I feel completely overwhelmed and hit a wall almost immediately.

 

I'm an emotional eater. Food is my main coping mechanism. I'm starting to wonder if I'm barking up the wrong tree by trying so hard to 'pull myself up by my bootstraps' and lose weight/get in shape while ignoring the root issue. Anyone relate?

[Candace Koller]

Definitely. I have gone so long feeling awful that a lot of times I can't even remember that you're not supposed to. Like I forgot that life isn't supposed to suck and I'm not supposed to feel miserable. And that can make it next to impossible to get help. I'm very bad about talking down about myself and being too hard on myself and I never want to "make excuses" like saying my depression is wearing on me and that's why I can't get something done. Instead I always make it my fault. Logically I can see it's all bullshit and it's a terrible way to live but it feels impossible to escape. The hardest thing sometimes is to know I need help and can't do it alone. It definitely feels like I should be able to do it alone especially when depression is getting in the way of tasks that are so simple. Sometimes feelings are stupid. I need to learn better when to ignore them (like negative self talk) and when to pay attention to them so I know something is wrong that needs to be fixed.

[cracked_belle]

21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations Of Depression

[redwoodfog]

21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations Of Depression

 

SO GOOD. I had not seen Hyperbole and a Half's comics on depression. They are amazing.

[redwoodfog]

Definitely. I have gone so long feeling awful that a lot of times I can't even remember that you're not supposed to. Like I forgot that life isn't supposed to suck and I'm not supposed to feel miserable. And that can make it next to impossible to get help. I'm very bad about talking down about myself and being too hard on myself and I never want to "make excuses" like saying my depression is wearing on me and that's why I can't get something done. Instead I always make it my fault.

 

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Finding the balance between taking responsibility for my life and choices, and not being an asshole to myself... especially when I know it's likely that depression is playing a role in the things I'm on my case about.

[ErikDawnbringer]

I call my little voices the Imp - it's a concept from Poe, the Imp of the Perverse. It's the little voice that tells you to do it, even when you know it's wrong, even when you know you shouldn't.

 

My Imp has had more control over me than I realised.

 

Alright, sometime a reason really is genuine. Sometimmes there are days when I genuinely cannot get out the house, or whatever. But a lot of the time they're excuses masquerading as reasons - it's the Imp in my ear, telling me not to bother. The same way it tells me nobody cares. The same way it tells me nobody would notice if I died.

 

The Imp is NOT the boss of me, dammit*.

 

*Note to self: write that in big letters and stick it on the door.

 

Personally I don't feel like it's the little imp.  I feel like the little imp, and it's an ogre that's shouting inside my head.  Luckily my meds muffle it somewhat.

[cracked_belle]

SO GOOD. I had not seen Hyperbole and a Half's comics on depression. They are amazing.

I am in friend-love with Allie Brosh.  I even purchased her book, lol.

[Disil]

We lost another good one today. Stay strong folks and use every helping hand you can get.

[Becoming-Bane]

I have been battling depression for years. I have debilitating Attention Deficit Disorder to the point where I can hardly ever finish(or sometimes even start) any task. It started in high school with my grades starting to slip and i began to feel unintelligent and people were calling me lazy because I wouldnt be able to do my homework because i would have so much going on in my head. its like a crowded carnival going in my brain all the time. The feelings of being useless set in quickly and things got pretty dark on and off but i pushed through it the best I could. I got diagnosed with my A.D.D in what should have been my senior year (if i hadnt failed which didnt help my depression). Because of my low grades and my inability to function well enough to do chores and such I was kicked out of my moms house, and I went to live with my dad. Living with my dad was fine for a year or two but because I had trouble keeping my room clean he also kicked me out. So for two years I was living out of my car and crashing at friends houses. It was a very dark time for me. Since then I have bounced from one house to another and from job to job not being able to hold anything down. My current situation is the best I have been in for a long time, but i still battle with depression on and off. When it gets really bad I find that listening to my favorite music and writing helps. I keep a journal and if that doesnt work I write songs, poems, and stories. Thats ususally helps me a lot.

[Becoming-Bane]

It also doesnt help that I gained 100 pounds and can hardly get myself moving to work out.

[Teros]

It also doesnt help that I gained 100 pounds and can hardly get myself moving to work out.

Baby steps.  I was 360 when I got here. I lost 60 pounds over a year.

 

Reflecting on this:

 

This is 1 year's worth of encouraging comments said to me in my 6-week challenges. I copy/pasted them into a word doc, then printed them out and made a collage with them.

 

I call depression my Dark Passenger.

This, this right here; I took a picture of and got through 3/4 of a spartan race, despite being 300 pounds last sunday

I kept it in my shirt pocket the whole time.

[Sachiko*Kawaii]

I've learned when you identify the things that your battling, the greater the chance you have overcoming them. If you can identify and visually see your enemy, it heightens your odds of overcoming them even more greater. Toby Allen has developed some good visual examples to bring awareness and possible aid to those who struggle with mental illness with this same philosophy. http://zestydoesthings.tumblr.com/

 

[Becoming-Bane]

I've learned when you identify the things that your battling, the greater the chance you have overcoming them. If you can identify and visually see your enemy, it heightens your odds of overcoming them even more greater. Toby Allen has developed some good visual examples to bring awareness and possible aid to those who struggle with mental illness with this same philosophy. http://zestydoesthings.tumblr.com/

 

I love Toby's work. I have asked him to do one on a.d.d and he said he would eventually do one.

[Dilnad]

I went through some rough times a few years back and had to deal with a bout of depression. This is in no way a cure but I really found some joy(it's actually a pun you'll get later if you read it) in reading Way Of The Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman. Best book I've ever read unfortunately i don't presently have a copy or I'd offer it to you. It's one of those books you pass along after reading it.

[blkhole24601]

I'll check out that book, actually, if there's an audio copy at my local library. Another book I'd recommend is Feeling Good by David Burns, which I found to be immensely more helpful in taking practical steps to getting better than a therapist (who recommended the book to me, actually) or meds did. I still refer to it every so often when I'm headed down a depressive spiral.

[Fearkiller]

I want to stress the point that taboos, like depression, need to be talked about. It is very important.

And like many important things, it is hard. At least to me, opening up and asking for help is hard.

I could guess for many others too.

 

But as when more and more people know about things, take contact with them, and are aware of their feelings

towards hard and *hushhush* subjects, it is for the good. Maybe they then know when, and how to

reach out for another human being to offer to others and ask help for themselves, and have the courage to do so.

[Candace Koller]

I spent so much time thinking I was alone in my depression growing up that I never tried to get help because I thought no one could possibly understand. I thought "normal" people never had these feelings and I was weak for them. When I found out I wasn't alone it made things so much easier. Now instead of hiding things like I always used to I write a blog about my experiences to help break the silence and get rid of the stigmas and taboos so other people know they are not alone too. I can't change the world but I can be the change I want to see and hopefully let people who suffer know they are not broken and alone. We can better help each other when we understand each other and no one will understand anyone if we all keep silent.

[WillToPower]

SO GOOD. I had not seen Hyperbole and a Half's comics on depression. They are amazing

I actually just read Allie Brosh's book yesterday. It hit me hard, right in the reality; "Motivation", "Depression" (parts 1 and 2), "This is why I'll never be an adult", "Thoughts and feelings", and "Identity" (parts 1 and 2) - that is to say, all of the "serious" stories - all felt a little too close to home, too much like a reality check.

 

21 Comics That Capture The Frustrations Of Depression

More than a few of these comics hit the nail on the head. The only ones that I can't relate to are the ones that talk about a constant anhedonia or about not being able to get out of bed.

 

[i have not perfected the use of quotes, so I don't know how to actually make my quotes display who said them, nor can I make them contain links]

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, a friend of mine reblogged this online comic on her Tumblr and I almost started crying there and then in my kitchen, while doing the dishes.

https://medium.com/the-nib/i-want-to-live-6a40fbc76ef4

 

I don't know whether or not I have depression, but the question has come up several times during my time with Nerd Fitness.

There are so many things that suggest that I might be depressed, while others suggest that I might not be.

 

The thing that could potentially make or break a diagnosis of depression is the fact that I have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, a possible co-morbid condition. In my case, its most significant manifestation since my diagnosis is problems with motivation and procrastination. I struggle with what feels like an inability to bridge the gap between thought and action, as if there were a wall between ambition (desire) and motivation (willpower); I most often use an electrical wiring analogy, because a nervous system analogy might not be the most appropriate. Another fact that might not help is the fact that I stopped taking Adderall a few weeks ago, which has made my ADHD symptoms come back in full force.

 

If it were just a lack of willpower, I wouldn't be posting on this thread. The problem that I'm noticing is that this lack of motivation is accompanied by an all-encompassing feeling of apathy, indifference, or ennui. There is very little that actually matters at this point; even when I like doing the thing, would like to try doing the thing, or feel like I should do the thing, I can't make myself care about it. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm wavers for pretty much everything - I went to see an advisor at my university, who helped me plan some goals and try to get back into the good habits that I've lost. Re-printing the pages that made up the binder I used to keep track of the various things I did and need to do shouldn't be difficult, but I can't be bothered to do it.

 

That being said, I won't act as if I'm experiencing a complete anhedonia. I often find that I enjoy myself in the presence of others and become enthusiastic about things that I decide to do, which often relate to my interests or to further social interaction. The high never lasts long, which means that these ideas never become more than thoughts that cross my mind on a regular basis. I actually figured out an analogy for it at work: I could compare myself to the moon, which emits no light of its own, reflecting the light of the sun or to water being heated, only to return to its initial temperature.

 

My history suggests that depression is a possibility:

• I have been seeing psychologists near-consistently for six years, which initially resulted from being put on suicide watch during my first month of university.
• I have had two major breakdowns, both of which led to others intervening and all but forcing me to seek professional help, since the start of my university career.
• Along with a previously mentioned history with suicidal ideation, I have also dealt with self-harm in the form of cutting. I only cut for a one-month period, over a year ago, but the urge still remains. I still own a blade, which I bought in January, thinking that I would start using it again; it's still in the package. However, I won't credit that to getting over it - I think that the only reason that I haven't started cutting again is because I just can't be bothered to do so.

There are three major factors that limit the possibility:

• My negative feelings are not constant: I can still enjoy myself, even if that enjoyment is temporary.
• I have very high energy levels: I am able to get up early, either for work or for leisure, and be fairly energetic without needing caffeine.
• I've been seeing psychologists for six years, none of whom have even brought up the possibility that I might be dealing with depression.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I apologize for the length of this post. I'm cutting myself off here.

Apparently I managed to struggle both with being too distracted to put anything into it and being so focussed on it that I put too much into it.

[Becoming-Bane]

I actually just read Allie Brosh's book yesterday. It hit me hard, right in the reality; "Motivation", "Depression" (parts 1 and 2), "This is why I'll never be an adult", "Thoughts and feelings", and "Identity" (parts 1 and 2) - that is to say, all of the "serious" stories - all felt a little too close to home, too much like a reality check.

 More than a few of these comics hit the nail on the head. The only ones that I can't relate to are the ones that talk about a constant anhedonia or about not being able to get out of bed.

 

[i have not perfected the use of quotes, so I don't know how to actually make my quotes display who said them, nor can I make them contain links]

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Last night, a friend of mine reblogged this online comic on her Tumblr and I almost started crying there and then in my kitchen, while doing the dishes.

https://medium.com/the-nib/i-want-to-live-6a40fbc76ef4

 

I don't know whether or not I have depression, but the question has come up several times during my time with Nerd Fitness.

There are so many things that suggest that I might be depressed, while others suggest that I might not be. The thing that could potentially make or break a diagnosis of depression is the fact that I have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, a possible co-morbid condition. In my case, its most significant manifestation since my diagnosis is problems with motivation and procrastination. I struggle with what feels like an inability to bridge the gap between thought and action, as if there were a wall between ambition (desire) and motivation (willpower); I most often use an electrical wiring analogy, because a nervous system analogy might not be the most appropriate. Another fact that might not help is the fact that I stopped taking Adderall a few weeks ago, which has made my ADHD symptoms come back in full force. If it were just a lack of willpower, I wouldn't be posting on this thread. The problem that I'm noticing is that this lack of motivation is accompanied by an all-encompassing feeling of apathy, indifference, or ennui. There is very little that actually matters at this point; even when I like doing the thing, would like to try doing the thing, or feel like I should do the thing, I can't make myself care about it. Unfortunately, my enthusiasm wavers for pretty much everything - I went to see an advisor at my university, who helped me plan some goals and try to get back into the good habits that I've lost. Re-printing the pages that made up the binder I used to keep track of the various things I did and need to do shouldn't be difficult, but I can't be bothered to do it. That being said, I won't act as if I'm experiencing a complete anhedonia. I often find that I enjoy myself in the presence of others and become enthusiastic about things that I decide to do, which often relate to my interests or to further social interaction. The high never lasts long, which means that these ideas never become more than thoughts that cross my mind on a regular basis. I actually figured out an analogy for it at work: I could compare myself to the moon, which emits no light of its own, reflecting the light of the sun or to water being heated, only to return to its initial temperature. My history suggests that depression is a possibility:

• I have been seeing psychologists near-consistently for six years, which initially resulted from being put on suicide watch during my first month of university.
• I have had two major breakdowns, both of which led to others intervening and all but forcing me to seek professional help, since the start of my university career.
• Along with a previously mentioned history with suicidal ideation, I have also dealt with self-harm in the form of cutting. I only cut for a one-month period, over a year ago, but the urge still remains. I still own a blade, which I bought in January, thinking that I would start using it again; it's still in the package. However, I won't credit that to getting over it - I think that the only reason that I haven't started cutting again is because I just can't be bothered to do so.

There are three major factors that limit the possibility:

• My negative feelings are not constant: I can still enjoy myself, even if that enjoyment is temporary.
• I have very high energy levels: I am able to get up early, either for work or for leisure, and be fairly energetic without needing caffeine.
• I've been seeing psychologists for six years, none of whom have even brought up the possibility that I might be dealing with depression.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I apologize for the length of this post. I'm cutting myself off here.Apparently I managed to struggle both with being too distracted to put anything into it and being so focussed on it that I put too much into it.

I relate to this way too much.

[cracked_belle]

I love Cracked.com. they post amazing content, and in a very respectable manner.

here's a great article, for example:  "5 Facts Everyone Gets Wrong About Depression".

 

david Wong, a kickass motherfucker, also wrote a piece about how the funny people are often the saddest, in a nod to Robin Williams's suicide.

[Candace Koller]

I love a lot of the stuff by John Cheese. He tends to get into the grit.