Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

Roommate's already pissed. There's not much we can do til Saturday at least bc K won't be around. But yeah, we need to have a conversation. Roommate is apologizing for everything even though it's not her fault bc K is her friend and she said it was okay for K to crash here. Which is dumb because this is so not on her. But whatever. Adventures in adulting right?

[Owlet]

Welll.. your room mate could've been a bit firmer in saying no to all this. but mostly I'm with @Dagger on this one - K is a bitch. I too am raging on your behalf. Drunk/hungover stranger men stumbling around while trying to shower.. shit that actually sounds kind of familiar. Even the British part. That explains why I'm raging lol. Good luck with the 'conversation' and good luck to your therapist =P 

[fleaball]

New plan: everyone hop on a plane and show up unannounced at my house. Some of us can pretend to have an orgy and anyone not interested can do something else annoying while K is home. 

[Owlet]

Keen lol

[fleaball]

So I've been overruled. I was telling my therapist the story and her immediate reaction is "wow, what a bitch!" I didn't argue semantics bc I wanted to get to other stuff. But that happened.

 

In other news, she's impressed with me and apparently if I didn't want to go back anymore I could be fine on my own. Last week when we were covering everything that had happened in the two weeks since I'd seen her she was making suggestions or saying things and I'd be like "yeah I said that on NF actually, and that I blah blah blah." It happened a lot. She said that tonight when we were talking about more of that and the mantra I'm using and one or two other things. That I'm aware enough now and calling myself out for things and whatever. She's not going to kick me out and especially not now with my mother and everything else, and there are still a million things I want to work on with her, but it's good to know I could survive on my own, at least if the current shitstorm weren't a thing. 

 

This is a weird feeling. Because yes I feel like I'm not as much of a mess as I was when I first started seeing her, but I still feel like a super hot mess. I do feel proud of myself sometimes when I have certain realizations but it's interesting bc it feels like there's so much left to do. Idk what I'm trying to say here anymore tbh. Brain is jello. I got really anxious in the middle of the day for no readily apparent reason and it drained me. And now I've hit the point where I will cry about things not related to my mother. Apparently being so emotional about her has unlocked whatever was holding me back and I'm going to cry a lot more freely right now. Joy.  

[Owlet]

3 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Idk what I'm trying to say here anymore tbh. Brain is jello.

That's ok, I think I get it. Although I can't put it into words right now either. But I agree that you're doing better these days, even in the short while I've known you (in the forum sense). So, yay  

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

That's ok, I think I get it. Although I can't put it into words right now either. But I agree that you're doing better these days, even in the short while I've known you (in the forum sense). So, yay  

Aw shucks. Thanks dude. That's so good to hear. 

[fleaball]

 

So my mother called and asked how my CT scan went and on autopilot I told her. I shouldn't have. And then she told my father immediately, which, what the fuck. So now she's worried about that despite my repeating what literally everyone has told me since then because I am honestly not concerned about it at all after the initial freakout. (Which was less "I have cancer" and more "adding another thing to the shit pile.")

 

Anyway. Then she says "okay, so now that we've covered you, let me tell you about my issues." Went for her second chemo treatment today. Couldn't actually do it because she was dehydrated. Spent the first week after the first treatment vomiting all the time and apparently the second week has just been dry heaving. They gave her fluid, did an ultrasound of her gallbladder and liver to see if it was something with them and that all came back fine. I think she might be going back tomorrow for more tests? (Apparently she's not the first person to react like that. I didn't tell her this but when I was researching it I found an article from when this treatment was first approved in ~2011 and it said that while it is very effective it's also pretty harsh. But it's a mix of 3 chemicals and the first time they only gave her 2 bc the 3rd is the worst, and today I guess they were saying it's a good thing that they didn't give her the other given the way she was reacting.)

 

Thing #1 that scares me: she's supposed to have it every 2 weeks; they rescheduled for next week because they said "they can't let her go that long without another treatment." Okay, great. Not encouraging. 

 

Thing #2 that's really fucking scary: when I was home she fought me on coming home for spring break and was resistant to the idea and finally left it at "we'll see." Tonight she asked if I was still planning on it. I said I was waiting on it making that decision because she'd said we'll see and then she sort of hesitated. It might sound like I'm reading into this but I'm terrified. This woman does not ask for anything from anyone. She doesn't ask for help. If she's currently fishing for me to come home I don't know what that fucking means. Later I said something and she was like "yeah why don't you come home for spring break then" and I don't remember what the context was but it was something where she was able to sort of pass it off as a joke. Oh. She said she'd have to ask whether she could fly or take the train down for graduation because of the blood clots. I said they livestream it so even if she can't come (not ideal) she'll still be able to see it. And she said i'd have to come home in March so I could show her. But there was an edge to it. 

 

And of course I was losing the battle of not crying so she was like "maybe in the future I should rethink what I tell you. You don't need the day to day stuff." Also there's a women's march in Boston on Saturday as well and BPD were ordered to come in even if it's their day off. She tells me my father told them he'd be there but if something happened at home, he had priorities. I don't know if that was supposed to make me feel better like "look at Dad stepping up" or if she's trying to drop hints about it or what. 

 

I'm not going to jump on a plane first thing in the morning. But I'm scared as fuck. This feeds exactly into my family's pattern of not making it past the first treatment. Which means nothing because every case is different but it's not helping how I look at it right now. Fuck, and I had just gotten to a point where I was sort of okay with what was happening. I knew she was having trouble with the chemo but I figured that was standard. God dammit. 

[Owlet]

Ugh to all of that  Don't really know what to say sorry. I hope you get some clarification soon, it sucks not being totally sure what is going on. Got all my fingers crossed for you guys that her treatment goes better next week. HUGS

[Countess D'If]

Oh, sweetheart. I'm so sorry. I have nothing helpful to say except I love you. 

[Dagger]

9 hours ago, Owlet said:

That's ok, I think I get it. Although I can't put it into words right now either. But I agree that you're doing better these days, even in the short while I've known you (in the forum sense). So, yay  

I can only second this. I don't remember when I started reading your battle log, sometime this fall. And there is a big difference in how well you handle things, seriously.

 

And as to the call with your mom. I'm sorry. There really isn't anything else to say. I'm here for you. I love you.

[NeverThatBored]

I'm so sorry. This is a terrible thing. I'm here if you need to talk or anything else. 

[Sylvaa]

10 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm not going to jump on a plane first thing in the morning. But I'm scared as fuck. This feeds exactly into my family's pattern of not making it past the first treatment. Which means nothing because every case is different but it's not helping how I look at it right now. Fuck, and I had just gotten to a point where I was sort of okay with what was happening. I knew she was having trouble with the chemo but I figured that was standard. God dammit. 

 

Ugh! So first of all, having trouble with chemo is pretty standard (I know that is only so helpful). So you weren't wrong in your thoughts there. 

 

And now virtual hugs and warm thoughts coming your way. 

 

[fleaball]

Thanks guys. I'm a little better now having slept and whatnot.

 

I was going to say something else but I can't figure out what I'm trying to say and anyway I have to go finish two assignments that are now overdue so I'm gonna get on that before I shut down.

[fleaball]

So my mother has been admitted to the hospital until at least Sunday. Apparently something in her liver is blocked which is causing the vomiting/dry heaving and they're going to put a stent in? I assume it's a bile duct. AND she wasn't going to tell me this until Monday when she was out of the hospital. And she heard me trying not to cry and said "I wish I hadn't told you, I knew it would upset you."  The only reason she did call is that she had to point out the irony that she's in the hospital now because last night she'd said she wished they would just admit her only because it's annoying to go back and forth every day. I've asked her before to keep me updated and every time she does I tell her I'm glad she did and I say thank you. I don't know why she thinks it's a good thing not to tell me. Especially because right now her phone is dying and she forgot her charger, which my father won't be bringing her til tomorrow or Sunday. What if I called her and got no answer and called my father only to find out she's in the hospital again? Did no one think I might flip the fuck out? Part of me wonders if it's because I keep crying when she tells me what's wrong but I can't help it. I've always felt really awful anytime anyone is hurting (physical, emotional, whatever) and now that whatever fucking switch has been flipped to make me cry on a dime it's like an automatic thing. I try so hard not to because I don't want her to hear it but I just can't. And if that's going to mean that I stop getting updates I'm going to be so pissed. 

 

Taking this experience further into Lifetime movie territory, my godmother is the nurse in charge of her floor. They used to be best friends but haven't seen each other in at least 10-15 years. I know she came to my 13th birthday party but I can't remember seeing her after that. So hey, "surprise, haven't seen you in forever and look now we're being reunited because I'm dying." 

[Owlet]

I can only assume it's because she thinks telling you causes more upset than not telling you. Which, as you pointed out, can go bad wrong if you just try calling or something. Have you told her that you get more anxious when you don't know what's going on/suspect they're not telling you everything, since that makes you assume the worst? Guessing you have but I'm clutching at straws now. I mean, I kind of get why she's doing it - she tells you something, realises it upset you, and immediately thinks 'I upset my daughter, booo, I don't want to do that again.' without thinking about what will happen if she doesn't keep you informed. It's sucky, I really hope she gets over it for your sake  

 

More kittens

[fleaball]

On 1/18/2017 at 9:29 PM, fleaball said:

In other news, my obnoxious friend in Richmond asked for my address earlier. Before I could ask why she said never mind, she got it from her GPS. She's sending me a present. "Because reasons." Not to be ungrateful but she knows I don't like surprises and we've had several conversations before about how I hate getting presents because I feel awkward af? Even at birthdays/Christmas/other traditional times that people give you gifts. So I'm actually pissed because this is like, expressly a thing I Do Not Want. 

I just got a text that the post office wants me to reschedule delivery. Guess who's literally never home when they come by? With the potential exception of Saturdays, when we've gotten mail anywhere between 11a-7p, but never the same time two weeks in a row. Her response was that I can pick it up at the post office too. I told her thanks for thinking of me but I hate surprises, I hate gifts, and I'm stretched way too thin as it is to try to get to a post office on top of everything else. And I feel like I'm being guilt tripped in response but I don't know if I'm just being too sensitive. Jesus Christ.

[fleaball]

3 minutes ago, Owlet said:

I can only assume it's because she thinks telling you causes more upset than not telling you. Which, as you pointed out, can go bad wrong if you just try calling or something. Have you told her that you get more anxious when you don't know what's going on/suspect they're not telling you everything, since that makes you assume the worst? Guessing you have but I'm clutching at straws now. I mean, I kind of get why she's doing it - she tells you something, realises it upset you, and immediately thinks 'I upset my daughter, booo, I don't want to do that again.' without thinking about what will happen if she doesn't keep you informed. It's sucky, I really hope she gets over it for your sake  

 

More kittens

She saw me get super pissed when she dropped that her mother had been diagnosed with cancer in May and no one told me even that much until September of that year. Even when I was home over Christmas I definitely said I would rather know than wonder. She said something about not being able to keep anything from me or my brother since neither of us was surprised when she told us about her own cancer. And even last night she said she'd told me what she did because she didn't want to be accused of hiding anything. (Apparently her brother thinks she hid stuff about my grandmother. Idk details.) And I agreed and said yes, please don't hide anything. I also tried explaining that last night I had just gotten home from therapy when she called and as such was primed for crying anyway and also about the magic switch my therapist had been waiting to flip itself even before this since we'd been steadily getting into more and more emotional/locked up shit. I don't think she bought it. Today she was like "you haven't been crying all day have you?" And no, I definitely hadn't. So I don't know what to do about any of this. When I was home I tried not to cry where anyone would notice; when it happened the day before I left she was trying to shush me but also said she was surprised it hadn't happened before. So I can't tell if it's a bad thing when I cry because oh no I'm upset, or if I'm supposed to be crying more often for whatever reason, or what. 

 

I'm sure I'll be crying tomorrow too. We're going to get the photos printed that we took last week (I'm so glad roommate offered to come with because crying looking at pictures of myself in the middle of a store would be awkward af). And while part of me wants to cry because I look so gross in those photos, what will really do it is the reality of why we're printing them. Ugh.

[Owlet]

Ugh, well that is confusing as fuck then isn't it. I guess all you can really do is keep being open and honest with her about all this stuff and hope she will do the same. Hugs and good luck with the photo printing <3 

[NeverThatBored]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

So I can't tell if it's a bad thing when I cry because oh no I'm upset, or if I'm supposed to be crying more often for whatever reason, or what. 

 

It's ok to cry. It's ok if you don't feel like crying. I'm sure she doesn't want you to be upset, but also knows that there's not really any way to avoid that right now. 

[Dagger]

11 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

It's ok to cry. It's ok if you don't feel like crying. I'm sure she doesn't want you to be upset, but also knows that there's not really any way to avoid that right now. 

I agree with this.

 

[Countess D'If]

16 hours ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

It's ok to cry. It's ok if you don't feel like crying. I'm sure she doesn't want you to be upset, but also knows that there's not really any way to avoid that right now. 

Absolutely

[fleaball]

Continuing the theme, I've definitely already cried today. Went to get breakfast with roommate before getting the photos done and wound up crying a bit while we were talking about it. Then later she went to the gym and I came home, and she texts me "warning, super sappy shit incoming." I thought it was going to be a cheesy text from her bf or something. Nope, it was a long series of messages about how well I'm handling everything and she's genuinely impressed because she's pretty sure she'd just run away from it all and she doesn't even have that good a relationship with her mother. Which is kind of a crazy thing to me because a.) I feel like a hot mess and b.) she always seems to have her shit together. I did kinda want to hit her because she was telling me I should go home for a weekend just to spend time with my mother and while I see her point I also... don't want to. She was like "remember when you were in the hospital and you didn't want her to come down and she did anyway? That's what you're gonna have to do." I get it. If I want to go home I'll go home. But a huge part of me doesn't want to because I don't want to see her getting worse. Maybe that's a cowardly thing, I don't know. When my first grandmother died, I'd seen her 3-4 weeks before and she was still in good shape; when I got to the hospital the night before she died, she looked awful and part of me wishes I hadn't gone that night because she was already too far gone to register my presence anyway and now I'm just stuck with the memory of her in terrible condition. I already explained that I couldn't say goodbye to my grandfather after he took a turn. And my other grandmother we basically just watched waste away over the course of 6 weeks. I suppose it wasn't as much of a shock with her and I was able to visit her more often than the others, but it still sucked to walk into her room every time. I don't know if I can do that with my mother. She hasn't been able to keep food down for 2 weeks so I don't know what kind of weight loss that entails. Even if the surgery helps she's not going to magically gain it all back. I don't know if I can handle it. On the other hand, roommate probably has a point. After my grandmother died I felt awful for not trying to come home more or calling her or sending cards every so often. In my defense I'd been told she'd be fine and probably had 5 more years. (In retrospect my mother thinks she misunderstood that one, but it's also a moot point because it was a UTI that ultimately did her in and not the cancer.)

 

I asked if I should go home now while she's in the hospital and she said no. I guess at this point my biggest hangup is figuring out when to go. She was fishing for me to go home for spring break. President's day is 4 weeks from now and I'd sort of been thinking about it anyway, but now it feels like it's too far away. At the same time I don't want to drop everything and go like I'm freaking out and overreacting. It's not the cost of going home that's an issue. It's just the timing and the do-I-or-don't-I.

 

Hahahahaha. My father just called to update me since for whatever reason she wasn't planning on telling him we talked yesterday. But when I saw his name on the screen my heart sank. Christ this is going to be a fun few months. 

 

Anyway. I know this is shitty and no one can make the decision for me and whatnot. Rawr. 

 

In other news, K left the house this morning and came back with her British dudes. I jumped in the shower before any weird shit went down and roommate came back because she was like "what the actual fuck." After I got out of the shower K went in and when I went down to let roommate in the two of them were just sitting on the couch downstairs in the dark? I don't even know anymore. 

 

And in other annoying things, the gift my friend sent showed up today. I totally forgot about it and vaguely freaked out when I saw an Amazon package with my name on it. For some reason she sent me a small Grumpy Cat plush with a birthday hat on it and Anna Kendrick's book. Again, I appreciate the thought and the trying to distract me but what the fuck?

[fleaball]

Roommate just sent me a screenshot of K's Facebook. She posted an article about Trump meeting Teresa May next week and wrote "this is what a feminist looks like." I'm fucking done. 

[NeverThatBored]

4 hours ago, fleaball said:

Roommate just sent me a screenshot of K's Facebook. She posted an article about Trump meeting Teresa May next week and wrote "this is what a feminist looks like." I'm fucking done. 

 

Kick her out!