LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[ColoQ]

On 4/3/2016 at 6:21 AM, Ravis said:

Lots of catching up to do on this thread, but I love most of the stuff I've seen so far!

Suggestion: treat it like an eternally logged chatroom. trying to read all the pages may be a bit much. maybe just read the recent couple-o-pages.

Also, Hi!

[namelesswonder]

I'm gonna start an epic read-through soon since I just got here (to this thread).

 

Hi, I'm a married bisexual woman in a hetero relationship. I only kind of accepted that I'm bi last year and told my husband (who is very supportive). All in all, it changes nothing in my life except that I'm allowing myself to feel curious/attracted (and I'm strictly monogamous so really nothing will ever change). I'll probably stay closeted to everyone except maybe very close girl friends if I ever have some of those again. I've become especially sensitive to very hetero off-hand remarks about attractiveness, attraction, media etc. It's frustrating at times and I wish i was better at explaining things without outing myself.

 

Oh and I wanna clarify my identity because while I really don't care to use ANY terms to describe my identity other than "woman/lady", I feel it's important for the context of the thread: Starting in middle school, I started wondering if I was bi. Ultimately I decided I must not be because I wasn't crushing on girls. I was "curious" though. I've been known to zone out and find myself ogling ladies. I didn't experience sexual attraction until around 17 yrs old, I guess. And can I be honest here? Dicks scared me! Maybe it's from the anti-depressants I was on when I was younger, but I've never had much of a sex drive. Some of my revulsion is probably due to a level of asexuality. I think the terms biromantic graysexual or pan-asexual would be accurate. I prefer "bisexual" because it's simpler what "what I grew up with". Pansexual is a pretty new term to me and I just don't feel like it fits, even though I certainly don't feel like I'd prefer any particular gender/genital configuration over the other. I'd be just as infrequently aroused or as frequently grossed out as I am currently :P.

[SolitaryOrchid]

Welcome, new people! I'm with ColoQ on this one. Reading the entire thread is quite a task. But if you're up for it and have the time then by all means go for it.

 

This makes me happy. I hope they get enough money for the house. And I hope eventually they can buy the whole damn block.

[namelesswonder]

^Oh my gosh, a whole PQUILTBAG (the p is silent) block would be wonderful. Such a beacon of hope. And her hair is awesome!

[SolitaryOrchid]

Once LGBT+ owns the whole block they should have a Pride parade down the street every month or so.

[Ravis]

1 hour ago, namelesswonder said:

^Oh my gosh, a whole PQUILTBAG (the p is silent) block would be wonderful. Such a beacon of hope. And her hair is awesome!

 

I read this a "bacon of hope."
 

 

Also, I love Avery's shirt!

[Nater]

Anyone from NC? 

 

My wife and I have a cabin rented in Black Mountain in October. Neither one of us are big fans of the recent legislation signed by your Governor. It was a mistake when Mike Pence signed a similar bill here and we are all glad that Indiana changed its mind. However, we do want my wife's grandmother to spend time with our son as she is aging. It is important that they can bond as family.

 

I know the Asheville area is a lot different than other parts of the state. Can anyone recommend some good restaurants or other businesses to show our support to?  We both feel like boycotting the trip all together isn't good for our son and isn't fair to a business who is open and affirming to everyone.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

[SolitaryOrchid]

My husband dropped a bomb on me. After two years of assuring me I had his full support he tells me he doesn't want me to get on T. Things were finally coming together where I would be able to start in August. I guess he got cold feet once it became a reality. I'm devastated right now. I don't know what to do and I feel completely hopeless. I can't lose my husband. But I can't take living this lie anymore.

[namelesswonder]

 

My husband dropped a bomb on me. After two years of assuring me I had his full support he tells me he doesn't want me to get on T. Things were finally coming together where I would be able to start in August. I guess he got cold feet once it became a reality. I'm devastated right now. I don't know what to do and I feel completely hopeless. I can't lose my husband. But I can't take living this lie anymore.

 

Oh yikes, SolitaryOrchid. I can only imagine how that feels. I am hoping that it's nothing more than "pre-wedding" jitters (in the sense that it's feels real all of a sudden) and that he's really okay with it, the gravity of it all is just striking all at once. I don't know your full story/situation, but it definitely sounds like you need a support network right now. Any therapists or friends you can reach out to? I hope someone here can provide better insight than I possibly could.

 

I did glance at your linked journal and *hugs if they are welcome*. No matter what anyone else says or thinks, your identity is worth fighting for and worth having. If you had never been married, I imagine you would still be working towards transition.

[SolitaryOrchid]

 

Any therapists or friends you can reach out to?

 

I'm seeing my therapist today but it's only for group therapy so I may/may not get a chance to speak since the group is quite large and often they don't get to everyone who wants to work on something. As far as friends go, the only people I was out to I had a falling out with and have been excommunicated. I've had trouble with agoraphobia so my social life has suffered drastically from that and I really don't have any friends. It's unfortunate, I could really use some irl contact with supportive people but this damn state is so conservative that it's very difficult to find supportive friends. Hugs appreciated and accepted. I could use them.

[Jett]

 

I'm seeing my therapist today but it's only for group therapy so I may/may not get a chance to speak since the group is quite large and often they don't get to everyone who wants to work on something.

I really hope you had the chance to reach out to your therapist and talk to them, even if just for a few minutes off to the side. IRL support means a lot, I know.

 

Online support may not be as helpful, but my inbox is open if you want. And if things get too overwhelming, there's a transgender-specific suicide hotline that could help talk you through what you're feeling. http://www.translifeline.org/

 

Hopefully this is something that you and your husband can talk through and compromise on. And by compromise, I mean talk to him about what, specifically, he is afraid of. Is it that your pheromones and general appearance will change, and he's worried he won't find you attractive anymore? Is he worried that your HRT will eventually reveal your transgender status to friends and family, and he's afraid of the backlash? Etc... There are probably things that you guys can do together to assuage his fears. Just because he freaked out once and said he didn't want you to do it doesn't mean he won't change his mind. Does he understand that physical changes will be slow on HRT? You're not going to switch body types overnight; he'll have time to get used to it...

 

I really hope that the two of you can pull through this. He clearly loves you, and I dearly hope that in the end, he'll get over it and remember that your happiness is the important factor. His fear and disagreement might seem like an insurmountable cliff now, but it's more like a thorny labyrinth. There's a way through. Hang in there.

[SolitaryOrchid]

Thanks J. I did manage to speak with my therapist today. It helped a little.

 

My husband's main concern is that I'll become a different person and no amount of research I've done so far has been enough to convince him I won't. He's also very concerned about our families as they are both very abusive and religious and will not be accepting at all. There is genuine risk of physical violence and that scares him. I know appearance wise he would not enjoy the changes but as far as I know that is the least of his concerns but honestly, he went this long telling me things that weren't reality so I don't know if I really have an accurate base to judge from anymore. That's really what floors me is that we've gone two years with this being a non-issue and him assuring me that he was completely on board and supported me in whatever I needed to do. This is so far out of nowhere it has me seeing stars and I was completely blindsided. We have much to work on together and I can only hope for the best right now. But this turn of events has me very fearful for the future. Fearful that neither of us will be happy with whatever decision gets made.

[Fearkiller]

On 21.4.2016 at 6:26 AM, SolitaryOrchid said:

Thanks J. I did manage to speak with my therapist today. It helped a little.

 

My husband's main concern is that I'll become a different person and no amount of research I've done so far has been enough to convince him I won't. He's also very concerned about our families as they are both very abusive and religious and will not be accepting at all. There is genuine risk of physical violence and that scares him. I know appearance wise he would not enjoy the changes but as far as I know that is the least of his concerns but honestly, he went this long telling me things that weren't reality so I don't know if I really have an accurate base to judge from anymore. That's really what floors me is that we've gone two years with this being a non-issue and him assuring me that he was completely on board and supported me in whatever I needed to do. This is so far out of nowhere it has me seeing stars and I was completely blindsided. We have much to work on together and I can only hope for the best right now. But this turn of events has me very fearful for the future. Fearful that neither of us will be happy with whatever decision gets made.

A long, warm hug.

 

Quote

 .. they are both very abusive and religious and will not be accepting at all.

There is genuine risk of physical violence and that scares him.

 

If you get any funny vibes.. Your husband and you need to walk out. Leave. Burn the bridges.

Family or no family, you don't owe them shit. Nothing!

People can be so fucked up inside, and you wouldn't ever see on the outside.

 

If it happens even once, it can, and will happen again.

So many stories of abusive relationships, which go on for years,

because "I won't do it ever again, I'm sorry" "Oh, he'll change, he loves me"

Chilling. I won't probably ever grasp the dynamic that works on, and it is real inside,

but outside looking  in, it looks absolutely murderous.

 

So, please..? *concerned..* Leave, for yourselves?

[SolitaryOrchid]

If they become violent it will be over. We'll never have contact again. I'm hoping it doesn't come to that. I would feel terrible if my husband lost his family because of me. They're bigots and awful people but family is still family.

[namelesswonder]

I don't see it as losing his family because of you... They chose to hold onto their backwards ideals. They choose to behave badly towards you. And the two of you, together, can choose to cut off ties. We are all responsible for our own actions, not anyone else's.

[shaar]

On 4/8/2016 at 10:26 PM, Nater said:

Anyone from NC? 

 

My wife and I have a cabin rented in Black Mountain in October. Neither one of us are big fans of the recent legislation signed by your Governor. It was a mistake when Mike Pence signed a similar bill here and we are all glad that Indiana changed its mind. However, we do want my wife's grandmother to spend time with our son as she is aging. It is important that they can bond as family.

 

I know the Asheville area is a lot different than other parts of the state. Can anyone recommend some good restaurants or other businesses to show our support to?  We both feel like boycotting the trip all together isn't good for our son and isn't fair to a business who is open and affirming to everyone.

 

Thanks in advance.

 

 

/me casts thread resurrection 3

 

Nater, if you're still considering Black Mountain and Asheville, PM me if you'd like to talk further about the area.  I'm in eastern/coastal NC and we travel to Asheville as much as humanly possible; I'd live there if I could!  It really is a refreshingly welcoming area of NC, the mountains are gorgeous, and the acceptance and kindness of people there always makes my heart happy!   Asheville citizens - and a lot of us in NC - don't stand for or deserve that hateful bill.  

[Ravis]

Hey y'all,

Checking in to see how everyone is doing after this weekend. Secondary trauma is a real thing. If you need anything, I'm here for you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Jett]

Thanks. I'm still trying to process it. I haven't been able to watch the news feeds yet.

[kylesolo]

I had a rough go the day I found out - it's easy to be sad about so many things. I went to the vigil in Seattle, which was awesome.

 

After I got home, though, I got angry. I'm just sick of so many things... I've forced myself to watch the news and read the stories and read the memes and look at the victim's snapchat story and read about all of the victims. So many times when there's a shooting I find myself saying that it's terrible and we need to do something, but I don't really engage. I want to stop that. I want to stop feeling so complacent. I'm sick of love in name only and right now I want my anger to burn like a fire - and I also want to think about why I'm angry and what I'm angry at and I want it to inspire me to do something.

 

And it's been hard hearing people say stuff, because I just want to be silent... it's so easy to be silent. It's so easy to go on with the charade that we will overcome one day and to ignore everything that's happened this year. But I don't want to be silent. And I don't know how not to be silent.

 

Needless to say, I've been listening to a lot of folk music and reading about Arm the Homeless and thinking and thinking and thinking.

 

Thank you for your posts.

[Ravis]

Sunday, Sunday I was paralyzed. This could have been me. This could have been my friends. This could have been Cobalt or Town or any number of gay bars in DC. I couldn't move for two days. Then I got angry. So angry my body was shaking. I have never been this mad before.

Angry I can deal with. I can focus that energy into something: calling my elected officials and telling them I'm against anti-LBGT legistration, that I'm for background checks on gun purchases, to tell my straight friends to donate blood because I can't.

As powerless as we feel, we are the exact opposite.

We are strong. We are powerful. And I love every single one of you.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Igaduma]

what bothers me more than the shooting itself (it doesn't "touch" me more than other shootings just because they happen to be gay) is that gay men can't give blood.

[Waldgeist]

I wasn't really frightened, because here in Germany mass shootings are very rare and we are (I'm sorry to say that) kind of numbed about them happening in the states regularly. But I was really angry these last days about two things. One was the comments of people downplaying the attack because of the sexualities of the victims, justifiying or even congratulating the attacker. Second thing is that so many people are treating this as an attack against the open western society, which it isn't. This so called open society is still full of homophobia and discrimination which fuels the hatred that caused this suffering. It also makes me very sad, that most majority people just can't or don't want to see that.

[Igaduma]

1 hour ago, High Lord of the Sith said:

This so called open society is still full of homophobia and discrimination which fuels the hatred that caused this suffering. It also makes me very sad, that most majority people just can't or don't want to see that.

 

Up to a point I agree with you but you have to admit that you'd rather be gay in Germany than in Uganda...

Is it perfect?  No.  But it could be worse.  Much much worse.

[SolitaryOrchid]

Most of my facebook feed is extremely conservative people I grew up with and a lot of them are very "this is terrorism, stop making it about gay people!" which makes it very difficult to have an intelligent discussion about hatred and bigotry. I'm also seeing a lot of people who have latched on to the media calling it the worst mass shooting in American history and saying " no it's not, look at this thing that was worse!" which also makes it next to impossible to have an intelligent conversation about gun problems. And really? A tragedy just took place and people are screaming it's not the worst? That's the takeaway? How does that help anyone right now? My heart grieves and I am angered by all of this.

[Waldgeist]

40 minutes ago, Igaduma said:

p to a point I agree with you but you have to admit that you'd rather be gay in Germany than in Uganda...

Is it perfect?  No.  But it could be worse.  Much much worse.

 

That is the same argument people make, when they somehow declare that homeless/poor people in rich countries are still way better off than in Africa etc. I just don't get that.  It doesn't matter where you starve, you suffer anyway... And you can't rank the pain of different people, because you haven't lived their lifes. Yes, maybe I would be already dead in a country with less or no gay rights, but that could be a blessing compared to a lifetime of living in an officially accepting but actually discriminating society.