LGBTQA and Ally Safe Space

[Hit]

 

 

If someone is inclined to do that sort of thing, they don't need to be prompted. It's a "solution" akin to a drug addiction. Asking the question is not damaging in itself.

 

either my comment went way over your head or you're being purposefully obtuse. ill give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

yes people with gender dysphoria are inclined to do "that sort of thing". 41% of trans people commit suicide or attempt to, and self-help platitudes dont keep people alive. thats the point im making. "how can i fix feeling like shit today" is a question that leads to problematic behaviour because trans people are often at high risk of those behaviours. as a question it offers no support or empathy to the person, instead it distances them, diminishes their experiences and overall comes off as combative. 

 

gender dysphoria is a very real problem that is confusing and scary to deal with. it's not fixed in a day, over the internet, with the bare minimum of involvement. stop being that guy already and listen to people.

[Artinum]

I'm guessing you've had some personal issues in this area.

 

How should I approach this issue? In order to listen, I must first get people to talk.

[Ahyar Dreamspark]

"What can you do, today, to feel better?"

 

Since pessimism is in my nature, I've re-phrased the question as a negative: "What can I do (or not do), today, to feel less shitty?" It can indeed lead to bad decisions and self-destructive behaviors (exhibit A: my previous little problem with alcohol) but it can also lead to positive changes when I think of it as a series of small actions and decisions I can take that will have a positive effect in the long-run. Things like working out regularly, eating a healthy diet, etc. Basically, things that will make my upper body bigger and my ass smaller. If I skip the gym or eat junk food, I feel shitty, so I stopped doing those things.

 

It's definitely a double-edged sword. Last year getting drunk every night used to make me feel better, and now not having alcohol makes me feel better. The difficult part was to stop looking at the short-term and instead look at the long-term, which can be freaking brutal when the long-term is filled with the despair that gender dysphoria brings. So how did I manage it? Vanity. I at least want to look as good as possible while I'm sad ;P

 

Shit...I should totally apply the above long-term logic to my next challenge. Maybe I'd win for a change.

 

I realize that not everyone will see the "what can you do today" question the same way I do, but I figured I'd share anyway. Aaaand I should probably go back to working on my thesis, because if it's not done ASAP I'll feel really shitty.

[Tkal]

I'm guessing you've had some personal issues in this area.

From what I see hitlionsoul is mainly citing statistics showing that trans-population is more incline to self-destructive behavior than the rest. The personal experience is not strictly involved, unless the "personal issues" you mention is having gender dysphoria

The issue is not easy to approach, first because the average dysphoric person don't want to talk about it. It is like having an open wound. I, the wounded, want to keep it under bandages until healed. I know that time to time the bandages need to be removed and changed, but there are doctors for that (and I hope they will threat me gently). You, the person asking, are like some scientist who want to study the healing process, so keep the wound visible in order to monitor the changes. I know the science is "for the greater good", but this does not make it easier nor less painful for me.

 

How should I approach this issue? In order to listen, I must first get people to talk.

My answer: slowly, gently and with as much care as possible, since it is like walking on eggs. Even when you had plenty of practice it still takes nothing to break one. As hitlionsoul mentioned, trans people are much more prone than the rest of the population to self-harm behaviors. A person that says, even in good faith, "do what you can to feel better now" is giving you a nudge in a direction you are already inclined to take. For most trans people "feeling better now" translate into self harm because there isn't anything quick.

I think that in the gender dysphoria case what is more important is a medium/long term plan because the bad days are numerous and there is no quick fix, only painful and expensive hard work. You (person with dysphoria) can only ignore the bad days, get in your room, cry all your tears and hope that tomorrow it will be better, knowing that maybe tomorrow it will still be awful, but in one week/month/year it will definitively get better. The long term plan does not make you feel better today, while you would like to. So there should be no more "what can I do today to feel better" but "what can I do today to stay on track".

In the end it isn't so different from the big stories we read in the blog. I like Joe's because the "after" picture is not showing a super-hero body, but something battered, with the extra skin hanging there, almost empty. There are two great quotes too

“Don’t sacrifice what you really want for what you want right now.â€

“I may not be there yet, but I’m one step closer than I was yesterday.â€

Coming back to this case, for Twilight it worked this time. It could have worked on today's Naxius too, not on last year's Naxius. I could say that it would have been dangerous for the Tkal of 15 years ago, now it is simply counterproductive.

[Candace Koller]

You, the person asking, are like some scientist who want to study the healing process, so keep the wound visible in order to monitor the changes. I know the science is "for the greater good", but this does not make it easier nor less painful for me.

 

My answer: slowly, gently and with as much care as possible, since it is like walking on eggs. Even when you had plenty of practice it still takes nothing to break one. As hitlionsoul mentioned, trans people are much more prone than the rest of the population to self-harm behaviors. A person that says, even in good faith, "do what you can to feel better now" is giving you a nudge in a direction you are already inclined to take. For most trans people "feeling better now" translate into self harm because there isn't anything quick.

I think that in the gender dysphoria case what is more important is a medium/long term plan because the bad days are numerous and there is no quick fix, only painful and expensive hard work. You (person with dysphoria) can only ignore the bad days, get in your room, cry all your tears and hope that tomorrow it will be better, knowing that maybe tomorrow it will still be awful, but in one week/month/year it will definitively get better. The long term plan does not make you feel better today, while you would like to. So there should be no more "what can I do today to feel better" but "what can I do today to stay on track".

 

I can relate to this in regards to my depression and I agree that asking "what can you do to feel better today" can be very dangerous in certain situations. For me, sometimes the answer is death and really doesn't need a push in that direction. I understand the intent is well but sometimes there is really nothing to be done "today" but something that you must be constantly doing to hopefully maybe eventually feel better, and even then there is no guarantee it will work.

 

I know for me personally I would react a lot better to someone asking if there is anything I need from them, though in a forum like this I'm not so sure that could be a very useful question. While I'm not saying this was the intention behind the question, I honestly don't believe it was, some people ask "what can you do to feel better" accusingly, saying why aren't you doing anything to get better. Even if the person asking means well, when in a bad state it is very easy to take it as someone telling you that what you are already doing is not good enough.

[Twilight]

The issue is not easy to approach, first because the average dysphoric person don't want to talk about it. It is like having an open wound. I, the wounded, want to keep it under bandages until healed. I know that time to time the bandages need to be removed and changed, but there are doctors for that (and I hope they will threat me gently). You, the person asking, are like some scientist who want to study the healing process, so keep the wound visible in order to monitor the changes. I know the science is "for the greater good", but this does not make it easier nor less painful for me.

 

So there should be no more "what can I do today to feel better" but "what can I do today to stay on track".

 

I really like that analogy.

 

For me, asking what I personally can do today to feel better is not helpful because I'm already doing all I can to fight against a culture that's decided that there are only two options for gender, that gender is inherently tied to sex, that the roles for a person born with one anatomy are inherently one way while the roles for a person with another kind of anatomy are another way ... all that kind of stuff. Every day I fight against it, and some days I just get too tired. I'm pretty lucky that when I have suffered from depression, I've been able to get help. I'm lucky that I have a great support system, and know myself well enough to identify if I might be falling into depression again. I'm lucky that I don't suffer body dysphoria daily. I don't have nearly as much to deal with as others do.

 

What would be more helpful for me than "what can you do to make yourself feel better today?" is something like "what can I do to help dismantle the boxes our society forces people to live in?" but the answer to that is to do what I do: fight it every day. Learn, share when you have the strength, and fight.

[Bekah]

I really like that analogy.

 

For me, asking what I personally can do today to feel better is not helpful because I'm already doing all I can to fight against a culture that's decided that there are only two options for gender, that gender is inherently tied to sex, that the roles for a person born with one anatomy are inherently one way while the roles for a person with another kind of anatomy are another way ... all that kind of stuff. Every day I fight against it, and some days I just get too tired. I'm pretty lucky that when I have suffered from depression, I've been able to get help. I'm lucky that I have a great support system, and know myself well enough to identify if I might be falling into depression again. I'm lucky that I don't suffer body dysphoria daily. I don't have nearly as much to deal with as others do.

 

What would be more helpful for me than "what can you do to make yourself feel better today?" is something like "what can I do to help dismantle the boxes our society forces people to live in?" but the answer to that is to do what I do: fight it every day. Learn, share when you have the strength, and fight.

*hugs*

[Candace Koller]

Glad to hear you have a good support system, Twilight. I don't know how people can manage life without one.

 

I'm realizing recently that the trouble I'm having with coming to terms with my gender identity confusion might be in large part due to fear. There are very few things I feel uncomfortable talking with my husband about, but this is one of them. Long ago in our relationship I made the comment that I would still love him if he were not a man and he told me he wasn't sure he could really say the same for me. I'm relatively certain he meant in the manner of specifically becoming a man but the part of me that isn't sure is really loud and prevents me from feeling comfortable discussing any of this with him and I feel like I can't make any real progress because of that fear. It feels like going back in the closet all over again.

[Twilight]

I hope you can figure out a way to talk to him about it. Your spouse should be the one you can share anything with. It's upsetting when that's not possible.

[shaeon]

I appreciate everyone sharing regarding the "what can you do today to feel better" comment. It gives me things to think about. It's a good thing to take in a perspective that I don't have personal experience with. Thanks everyone for sharing. 

[OtakuBosatsu]

Hi, nothing much to add to the discussion - just wanted to let everyone know I'm lurking here. I like to think of myself as an ally but I do come from a macho culture that, on the one hand tolerates LGBT folks and on the other hand - well, let's just say we still have a long way to go, so I have lots to learn and understand. Just wanted to put that in here.

[Eleanorsbee]

Heh ... I am so freaking vanilla, I had to google what LGBTQA meant

[kaelvan]

Heh ... I am so freaking vanilla, I had to google what LGBTQA meant

Yeah the name is just getting longer and longer by the day. Bet quit few people have had to look it up. So don't worry.

[shaeon]

Yeah the name is just getting longer and longer by the day. Bet quit few people have had to look it up. So don't worry.

 

Right, and there are a few different versions of the alphabet soup now. Seriously, don't feel bad. I'm a lesbian and I still have to look up LGBTQIAQ to remember what every letter means.

[kaelvan]

Right, and there are a few different versions of the alphabet soup now. Seriously, don't feel bad. I'm a lesbian and I still have to look up LGBTQIAQ to remember what every letter means.

I just had to look up that version of the alphabet soup. 

[kalefice]

Hello all! I'm queer (and a bit androgynous ) and it's just great that there is a thread for this on this site! I just moved to the Tampa area 2 weeks ago to live with my twin brother (who does not yet know I'm queer, but I can't imagine it's too hard to guess), and I could definitely use a bit of an outlet with fellow LGBTQ people.  

[fleaball]

Hello all! I'm queer (and a bit androgynous ) and it's just great that there is a thread for this on this site! I just moved to the Tampa area 2 weeks ago to live with my twin brother (who does not yet know I'm queer, but I can't imagine it's too hard to guess), and I could definitely use a bit of an outlet with fellow LGBTQ people.  

Welcome to the party!

[SevenofSeven]

Welcome Kalefice.

[Bekah]

Hello all! I'm queer (and a bit androgynous ) and it's just great that there is a thread for this on this site! I just moved to the Tampa area 2 weeks ago to live with my twin brother (who does not yet know I'm queer, but I can't imagine it's too hard to guess), and I could definitely use a bit of an outlet with fellow LGBTQ people.  

 

 

Heyyyyy Welcome to the party! I'm not far from you, in Bradenton. 

[Vella]

Nice to have you, Kalefice!

Take a seat, have a beverage.

[kaelvan]

Hello all! I'm queer (and a bit androgynous ) and it's just great that there is a thread for this on this site! I just moved to the Tampa area 2 weeks ago to live with my twin brother (who does not yet know I'm queer, but I can't imagine it's too hard to guess), and I could definitely use a bit of an outlet with fellow LGBTQ people.  

Welcome to the wolf pack

[K-Prime]

Heyo! Just wanted to step in and say hi. I'm a queer girl living in Vancouver, Canada with my partner of 3 years and our two dogs (basset hound and pitbull/Rhodesian ridgeback X). I was already digging on NF, but I absolutely love that this thread is here. 

I also love the crush potential between Agent Simmons and Bobbi Morse on the new Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Anyone else pick up on that?

[SevenofSeven]

Hi K-Prime, welcome.

[Vella]

Welcome, K-Prime

[K-Prime]

Thanks gang!