Fearkiller Posted August 5, 2016 Report Share Posted August 5, 2016 Not so sure if it's actually a good joke, but anyhow. A farmer is in court, suing the trucking company whose truck injured him in an accident. He is on the stand, and the company's lawyer is questioning him, trying to disprove the merit of his claim. "Mister Brown," the lawyer says, "did you not tell the responding officer, after the crash, that you were -and I quote- fine?" "Well," says the farmer, "you see, I was driving my mule to town..." "Sir, please answer the question. Did you or did you not say you were fine?" "Well now, you have to understand, I was driving my mule..." "Sir! Stop avoiding the question. Remember, you are under oath! Did you not tell the officer you were fine?" The farmer turn to the judge and says, "Your honor, I am trying to answer the nice man's question, but he wont let me." The judge says "I'll allow it, but it better be relevant." The farmer thanks him and begin, "Well, you see, I was driving my truck to town, with my trailer hitched to the back and my mule in the trailer. As we cross an intersection, this big truck blows past the stop sign and smashes into us. The truck splits in two, I'm thrown into one ditch on the side of the road, the mule is thrown into the other, and the truck just keeps going." "Now I'm in bad shape. My arm is broke, my leg is broke, half my ribs are broke. But my mule is in worse shape, from what I can hear. She's screaming and thrashing and making a pitiful racket." "I hear tires come to a stop on the gravel, a door close and footsteps crunching across the road to the other ditch. I hear the mule screaming for a minute more and then a shot rang out, and it went quiet. The footsteps then start to come my way. I look up to see a state trooper putting his gun back in his holster." He says to me, "sir, I am terribly sorry. Your mule was gravely injured, she was in terrible pain, and I had no choice but to put her down. ...How are you?" 5 Quote "There is beauty in hardship / There are poems in grief" -Assemblage 23, Damaged | STR:2.25 | DEX:2.25 | STA:2 | CON:1.25 | CHA:3.25 | WIS:7 | A place I will collect my woots - if I remember Challenges | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 15.1 | 15.2 | Milythaels' HOoRAY for which I am grateful | Today, right now, I am alive. And that is good. It is amazing the power of those small gestures of love and kindness have on our lives. <3 - Liberator "I myself am made entirely of flaws, stiched together with good intentions." - Augusten Burroughs, Magical thinking:True stories "Pick up the pieces and keep going, one painfully slow step at a time." - Hiraedd the twice-risen, hamadryad. "Spread love and understanding. Use force if necessary." - Leon Trotsky "Let me think about the people I care about the most, and when they fail or disappoint me, I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them. Let me extend that generosity to myself." zefrank1, An Invocation for Beginnings "I don't feel guilty for wanting. That's like being mad because you have to breathe or pee. It just is." Someone in Reddit "If you do strange things, strange things will happen!" "That's it! Now go make something beautiful." -Jake Parker Link to comment
Mark D Posted August 8, 2016 Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 13 hours ago, RandMart said: One the first things Eve said to Adam:"Does this leaf make me look fat?" **** After laughing, and saying "Good one, Dad" D'Kid then turned all Spock on me and "Logically, that doesn't make sense. Being the first of her kind, Eve had no frame of reference to acceptable standards of female shape and size" "But you laughed, right?" "Yeah" "OK, so let's leave it at that; can we?" And the first thing Adam said to Eve: "Stand back, I don't know HOW big it's gonna get" (Told to me by a one-time Seminary student who decided not to enter the priesthood.) 3 Quote My character: https://www.nerdfitness.com/character/58572/ Current Challenge:http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/83683-mark-d-walks-up-to-a-barbell/ Previous Challenges: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted August 8, 2016 Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 What did the pirate say at his eightieth birthday party? "I'm eighty!" 2 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
Artinum Posted August 8, 2016 Report Share Posted August 8, 2016 2 hours ago, Tomu-san said: What did the pirate say at his eightieth birthday party? "I'm eighty!" That took me a moment. At first I thought maybe the joke was just that he said the obvious and his pirateyness was irrelevant, but it really is a pun. Why don't pirates take aspirin? Because their parrots eat 'em all. 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Artinum Posted August 9, 2016 Report Share Posted August 9, 2016 16 hours ago, RandMart said: "After such a long career in the Adult Film Industry, you've become something of an icon. Was it difficult to retire?" "No. It wasn't hard at all" Couldn't stick it out any longer... 1 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Guzzi Posted August 28, 2016 Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 On 9 August 2016 at 6:58 PM, Artinum said: Couldn't stick it out any longer... It was a bit of a bummer though... 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted August 28, 2016 Report Share Posted August 28, 2016 On 8 August 2016 at 7:03 PM, Artinum said: That took me a moment. At first I thought maybe the joke was just that he said the obvious and his pirateyness was irrelevant, but it really is a pun. Why don't pirates take aspirin? Because their parrots eat 'em all. Im glad you posted that, I was stuck. Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Butternut Posted August 29, 2016 Report Share Posted August 29, 2016 On 8/8/2016 at 11:18 AM, Tomu-san said: What did the pirate say at his eightieth birthday party? "I'm eighty!" Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ARRRRRRR!!! 3 Quote "One should eat to live, not live to eat." -Molaire- "People always forget their hangover" -My dear ol' dad "People are born to live, while some are born to evolve." Link to comment
Luds Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 "You need to stop masturbating," "Why Doc?" "Because I'm trying to examine you!" 2 Quote Remember that sensory deprivation causes hallucinations Link to comment
AmyUncharted Posted October 4, 2016 Report Share Posted October 4, 2016 What do you see when you look down a mole hole? Molasses... get it? (mole asses) 3 Quote Battle Log My Character and Epic Quests Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 Q. What's red and bad for your teeth? A. a brick. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What do you call a belt made of watches? A. A waist of time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear about the two guys that stole a calendar? They each got six months ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. What's blue and smells like red paint? A. Blue paint! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Q. How does a train eat? A. It goes chew chew. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Don't you think that the guy who invented knock knock jokes should get a no-bell prize? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two peanuts walk walk into a bar, one was a-salted. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If anyone knows a good fish pun then let minnow. 4 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 On 09/08/2016 at 2:29 AM, RandMart said: "After such a long career in the Adult Film Industry, you've become something of an icon. Was it difficult to retire?" "No. It wasn't hard at all" I just read this out to Colin and do you know what he said...? "Is that by Randmart?" Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 5, 2016 Report Share Posted October 5, 2016 Couldn't help it, sorry! 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Luds Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says to the other, “WOOOOOOO. WEEEEEEEEEEOOOOO. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”The second whale says, “Shut up Frank, you’re drunk.” 3 Quote Remember that sensory deprivation causes hallucinations Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked. 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Artinum Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 A man walks into a bar. THUD. A duck walks into a bar. QUACK. 2 Quote What happens when you play Final Fantasy VII with everyone called Cloud? It gets quite confusing... https://ff7crowdofclouds.wordpress.com/ Link to comment
Mark D Posted October 6, 2016 Report Share Posted October 6, 2016 A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we don't serve your kind here" The mushroom replies "Why not? I'm a fun guy!" A string walks into a bar with his friends, the bartender says the string can't be there. They all go outside, his friends unravel him a little, then tie a knot in him. They then go back in. The bartender says "Didn't I just kick you guys out?" the string replies "I'm afraid not." A duck walks into a bar and says "You got any grapes?" The bartender says No. The duck comes back the next day and asks "You have any grapes?" and the bartender answers "No". This goes on for about a week, the bartender finally gets tired of it and says "If you come in here again asking for grapes I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!" The next day the duck comes in and says "You got any nails?" The bartender says "What? No!" and the duck replies "Good, you got any grapes?" An old man comes into a bar and orders three pints of Guiness. He takes them to a table and sits there, drinking from one, then the next, until they're all gone. Then he leaves. This happens every night for about a month, and the bartender finally asks him about it. The man replies "Ah Laddie, me brothers and I are three triplets born in Ireland, and every night after work we'd go out for a pint before going home. Well, one brother moved to Australian, I came to America, and one stayed in Ireland. This is my way of sharing a pint with my brothers." So this goes on for another couple months, until one day he comes in and orders only two pints. The bartender says "I'm so sorry, did something happen to one of your brothers?" The man replies "Oh no, my brothers are fine, but my doctor told me I have to quit drinking." 5 Quote My character: https://www.nerdfitness.com/character/58572/ Current Challenge:http://rebellion.nerdfitness.com/index.php?/topic/83683-mark-d-walks-up-to-a-barbell/ Previous Challenges: 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1 Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 7, 2016 Report Share Posted October 7, 2016 18 hours ago, RandMart said: I think I posted that way back, but the "Search" isn't finding it Eh? You mean it has ever worked??? It's never bloody worked for me. *grumpy face* Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Tomu-san Posted October 11, 2016 Report Share Posted October 11, 2016 What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin pi. 4 Quote Tomu-san - Level 3 HalfOgre Ranger [ STR 2 | DEX 2 | STA 3 | CON 8 | WIS 6 | CHA 2 ] Spoiler "A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." - Robert Heinlein, Time Enough for Love "I came here to drink milk and kick ass. And I've just finished my milk." - Maurice Moss Link to comment
turboseize Posted October 12, 2016 Report Share Posted October 12, 2016 Spoiler A nun is shopping groceries at a farmers' market. "A gherkin, please" she says. The farmer answers "just take two, so you can eat one!" Quote Rowing, rucking, running, lifting heavy stuff. Why not do it all? Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 19, 2016 Report Share Posted October 19, 2016 What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common? There's no ball room. 2 Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Guzzi Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 I thought this was hilarious, I showed it to Colin and got a blank face and the words "I don't get it". Some people! Quote Make Life Rue The Day Turning back the clock Recipe book 14 Life is far too short to take seriously Link to comment
Maj. Bloodnok Posted October 31, 2016 Report Share Posted October 31, 2016 He actually wrote some good satires. My favorite is 'The Spectacles', in which the main character is tricked into proposing marriage to his own great-grandmother. He does not recognize the poor dear because he's extremely myopic and too vain to wear spectacles.... 1 Quote "If you get into trouble, you can always eat something, blow something up, or throw penguins." - Jim Henson Link to comment
Luds Posted November 1, 2016 Report Share Posted November 1, 2016 What do you do if an idiot throws a grenade at you? -- Pull the pin and throw it back at him. 5 Quote Remember that sensory deprivation causes hallucinations Link to comment
insanity Posted November 1, 2016 Report Share Posted November 1, 2016 On 10/19/2016 at 4:23 PM, Guzzi said: What do skinny jeans and cheap hotels have in common? There's no ball room. Or cheaply built castles... Quote "Insanity - you make my world a better place man, you really do! That shit is awesome! :D" - Guzzi- My first challenge My battle Log: Insanity: Warrior Monk Honorary Ranger dubbed by DarK_RaideR, 1000 Pound club (875 of 1000) Link to comment
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