Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

In unrelated news, research prof said a week ago that she would send me something that night. Emailed her Friday since I hadn't gotten anything. Still no response on either front. Whee. 

[Dagger]

42 minutes ago, fleaball said:

In unrelated news, research prof said a week ago that she would send me something that night. Emailed her Friday since I hadn't gotten anything. Still no response on either front. Whee. 

Easy money at least... >_>

[Owlet]

I reported a guy in my office to HR on tuesday because he said some extremely racist things while praising Trump. Never mind that our company has people from all over the world - most of whom are smarter and more talented than he is. HR might find they are earning their paycheck soon too! Good luck with the rib cage thing, hope it's nothing serious/long-lasting! 

[NeverThatBored]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

In unrelated news, research prof said a week ago that she would send me something that night. Emailed her Friday since I hadn't gotten anything. Still no response on either front. Whee. 

 

You should seriously keep a log of this stuff in case someone ever questions you, because this is ridiculous. 

 

Like... "XX Day - prof said she'd send work the next day. Did not receive anything and sent reminder on XX. Still did not receive anything." and "Scheduled meeting with prof on XX. Prof did not show up. Rescheduled for XX. Asked to confirm meeting time that morning and prof said she was overbooked and moved meeting to XX." 

[fleaball]

1 hour ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

You should seriously keep a log of this stuff in case someone ever questions you, because this is ridiculous. 

 

Like... "XX Day - prof said she'd send work the next day. Did not receive anything and sent reminder on XX. Still did not receive anything." and "Scheduled meeting with prof on XX. Prof did not show up. Rescheduled for XX. Asked to confirm meeting time that morning and prof said she was overbooked and moved meeting to XX." 

Oh yeah. I save every email I send/receive. she doesn't seem to be concerned about my taking too long with the first assignment so I'm not worried about backlash, but still. 

[fleaball]

Despite the bullshit of the past 24 hours, it feels like it was so long ago. I really need to write in my journal about it because I have ~thoughts~ (that really aren't different from what everyone and their mom is saying but that I need to get out anyway) but ugh my brain is melted. I've not been able to focus on anything at all today, partly because of election drama and partly because I can't remember the last time I got a solid night of sleep and it's catching up with me. So of course I'm 800% unable to focus on my paper idea thing I'm supposed to be writing. 1-2 paragraphs about what my final paper is going to be, plus preliminary sources. Not terribly involved and not for a grade, but frustrating as fuck because I'm not finding research on what I want. Which, it occurs to me now, makes sense and I should have seen coming but ugh. So I'm going to download a shit ton of articles and just read them on the bus tomorrow and pull something out of my ass before/after therapy so I can go to bed soon. Because there's no point in forcing it now. Blehhhh.

[Owlet]

Hope you're feeling better today <3 

[fleaball]

51 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Hope you're feeling better today <3 

Yeah, mostly. The unfortunate thing is my Facebook is an echo chamber of angry people. So it's constantly upsetting when I check it by accident. And my class today spent the entire time talking about the election which, ugh. 

 

Oh good, my Uber driver is lecturing me about which side of the street he picked me up on. Sir I didn't tell you to make an illegal turn. That was all you. 

 

Anyway. Went to student health today and missed the first half hour of class to get a chest X-ray because of the weird crackly whatever. Turns out there's no sign of infection or fracture so it could just be a weird strained muscle like my friend said. So I'm off to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for prednisone to add to my regime. Joy. The doctor lady said to make sure to use a backup for birth control and I was lol nah. 

[Owlet]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Yeah, mostly. The unfortunate thing is my Facebook is an echo chamber of angry people. So it's constantly upsetting when I check it by accident. And my class today spent the entire time talking about the election which, ugh. 

Ugh I can't even imagine. It's bad enough here. 

 

5 minutes ago, fleaball said:

 

Anyway. Went to student health today and missed the first half hour of class to get a chest X-ray because of the weird crackly whatever. Turns out there's no sign of infection or fracture so it could just be a weird strained muscle like my friend said. So I'm off to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for prednisone to add to my regime. Joy. The doctor lady said to make sure to use a backup for birth control and I was lol nah. 

I guess that's good? Every time I go to the pharmacy they ask if I have a loyalty card and I say no thanks. Starting to think I really should've got one at the start of this year lol. 

[fleaball]

Lol yeah like I'm glad nothing bad is going on in my chest (although there was something about degeneration in my spine?) but I would also like a solid answer? But my destiny is apparently to never get answers for what ails me. I get loyalty cards for everything because I'm cheap and want to pretend I'll save money even if I never go back to that store again. 

[fleaball]

Blurp. Weird rib thing feels like it's getting worse (still doesn't hurt). I'm looking forward to not wearing a bra all weekend, since that seems to help. 

 

Tons of students showed up to counterprotest WBC. Which is great on one hand but otoh ugh stop giving them the attention they so desperately want. 

 

Aaaaand the friend from Richmond who always turns my bad days into competitions just asked if she can come up next weekend to get away from her mother who now lives with her permanently. I can't say no. Blarrrrrgh. Luckily she says it's so she can focus on her homework so maybe we can just ignore each other most of the time. Now I have to hardcore clean the house next week booo. 

[Countess D'If]

Give me her number. I'll tell her to piss right the hell off, it's finals coming up and ain't nobody got time for that

[fleaball]

13 hours ago, Countess D'If said:

Give me her number. I'll tell her to piss right the hell off, it's finals coming up and ain't nobody got time for that

Nah. I've invited myself to her house to escape before so I have to return the favor. She said she needs to get away to focus on her homework (she works part time and is doing an online degree, but her mom just retired and decided that all her free time needs to be spent doing stuff for her mom) so hopefully we can just sit around and ignore each other in favor of homework. 

[fleaball]

I'm watching Love Actually and god I hate Alan Rickman's character ugh. 

 

Weird rib thing feels different than it did before and even though I'm not having trouble breathing and don't otherwise feel bad I've convinced myself I'm dying.  I have a follow up appointment on Monday but ugh. This is like the one aspect of my anxiety that will not fuck off. I either completely dismiss injuries/illnesses (like last year) or focus on them entirely too much and assume they will kill me. Lately it's been more the latter than the former. 

 

 

I almost came out to my mother last night. Tbh I'd been expecting to do it in some kind of fight over the election, like "of course I'm freaking out, I'm queer and we're all screwed." And then we were talking about the election and hey it turns out she's also pissed about it and I don't actually have to defend myself for any reason. I almost did it anyway because I'd been so keyed up about it but 

ugh we don't actually talk about any personal things ever and I just really didn't want to. I did realize halfway through the two hour conversation that I wasn't censoring myself the way I usually do; instead of avoiding all things queer-related (because she HAS made really shitty ignorant comments in the past so I avoid anything even tangentially related lest I take off on her some day) I kept actually using the word "queer" while bitching about Trump and Pence and all that. Who knows if she picked up on it. She certainly didn't say anything. And then of course because I'm a terrible person I was actually disappointed that there was no blowout argument because for so long part of me has expected a terrible reaction to my coming out that would end with them never talking to me again so for better or worse I wouldn't actually have to deal with this relationship anymore. 

 

I thought about doing it today, whether via text or calling or asking both my parents to get on Skype, because even though I still don't actually want to tell them I was so ramped up for it and almost want to get it over and done with. I would have just said something like "well I had no plans to tell you until it couldn't be avoided but if I'm going to spend the next 4 years protesting and fighting for it then you should probably know I'm queer." (I can't remember if I ever actually came out to my brother and suddenly i wonder if my mother would ask him about if she picked up on what I was saying yesterday. Huh.) But I didn't follow through with telling them since I convinced myself that I'm dying and hey wouldn't it be awkward if I came out and they hung up on me and then tomorrow they won't answer the phone when I call to tell them I'm in the hospital. That's like the beginning of a bad indie movie. 

 

So there's that. My therapist is going to earn her paycheck next week. I just had to get it out now.

 

Spent my day watching TV, reading a few fanfics that weren't actually half as good as their summaries made them sound, then watched 10 Things I Hate about You followed by Love Actually. Decided both movies need more queer characters. Asked for movie recs with queer women on Facebook and got several (high five @Countess D'If) but ofc most aren't on Netflix and I was too lazy to turn on my computer and check Amazon. So now I have a fun list for tomorrow. 

 

I just realized I've entirely failed at being human today. It took me 3.5 hours to actually get out of bed this morning, I barely ate anything, and I've only had ONE 750mL bottle of water instead of my usual minimum of five. Blerrrrrrrrgh. Bedtime now, if this headache means anything. Sleep is good. 

 

Eta: wrote this post entirely on my phone, which likes to do weird things like duplicate words or add words that have no reason to be there. Apologies if I didn't catch it all bc it's annoying as fuck to notice after the fact. 

[fleaball]

Today in anxiety-related bullshit: turned on the heat for all of ten minutes. Realized we don't have CO detectors. Immediately turned off the heat, ordered monitors to be delivered tomorrow, and opened several windows. Will be tossing an extra blanket on my bed and sleeping with the window open tonight. I'm tired and vaguely headachey which is probably just because it's past my damn bedtime but nope, must continue panicking. 

[fleaball]

I called the fucking fire department. And there's nothing going on. Literally nothing registering. I feel like a fucking tool. 

[fleaball]

1:08 am. Heat is off and my window is open and it's supposed to be 37 degrees when I wake up. (Freezing is 32 for those of you from places where temperatures actually make sense.) I wonder if I'll even get to sleep tonight. I'd consider skipping class but I have an appointment at student health right before it so that would be useless. Ugh. Fuck my entire life. 

[Owlet]

I don't entirely understand what's going on but it sounds like you're really cold? Buu. Hope things improve soon!

[fleaball]

6 hours ago, Owlet said:

I don't entirely understand what's going on but it sounds like you're really cold? Buu. Hope things improve soon!

House was cold so I turned on the heat for the first time since March. It was on for about 10 minutes before I decided it was giving me carbon monoxide poisoning, and then I shut it off and spent an hour and a half thinking I was going to die in my sleep. So I called the fire department to come check bc we don't have CO monitors in the house and then made a fool of myself.  And then even though they said it was safe I couldn't trust it bc I was so worked up so I turned it off again and slept with a window open so I didn't die. 

[NeverThatBored]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

House was cold so I turned on the heat for the first time since March. It was on for about 10 minutes before I decided it was giving me carbon monoxide poisoning, and then I shut it off and spent an hour and a half thinking I was going to die in my sleep. So I called the fire department to come check bc we don't have CO monitors in the house and then made a fool of myself.  And then even though they said it was safe I couldn't trust it bc I was so worked up so I turned it off again and slept with a window open so I didn't die. 

 

Ohhhhh, now I get it. I was confused about why the window was open. 

[fleaball]

5 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Ohhhhh, now I get it. I was confused about why the window was open. 

You mean you all can't keep track of my anxious rambling and half-formed thoughts posted on the internet with zero context?

[fleaball]

Fuck my entire life I left my water bottle at home. Fuck Mondays. 

[NeverThatBored]

16 minutes ago, fleaball said:

You mean you all can't keep track of my anxious rambling and half-formed thoughts posted on the internet with zero context?

 

I refuse to admit defeat. 

[fleaball]

Roommate is not impressed with my calling the fire department. Or with the fact that I'm still sick. Fucks given: 0. 

 

I'm so fucking tired and I don't want to be here. There's no work for me to do. I want nothing more than to go home and sleep but I also kinda need money. Don't get me wrong I'm cool with getting paid to do my homework and/or read fanfic, but I would be more comfortable doing either of those things at home in my PJs. Le sigh. 

 

I don't know when I'm ever going to be able to start doing any kind of physical activity. Like, it was a year ago today (day-wise, not date-wise) that I wound up in the hospital with whatever the fuck that was, and it took forever to get back to normal. Finally buy new running shoes and sprain my ankle; fuck up said ankle again when I finally get brace enough to try running again. Start YAYOG to prep for Spartan and then fuck up my shoulder, which STILL isn't 100% although I feel like if I could do GMB it might get better. And now whatever this plague is is fucking up my lungs and/or ribs. Like honestly what do I do with that? (I have another appointment tonight. Haven't finished the prednisone yet but with only one dose left I don't feel that much better so hopefully I get the pulmonology referral they mentioned last week because what the fuck.) I know if I want to lose weight I can and should focus on food first but that's really not where I want to be right now. Ugggggh. 

 

Whatever. I got a fancy new notebook from an event I wasn't even at last week, so now I'm going to use it to explore things to talk about with my therapist. (How is this different from my actual journal? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )

[NeverThatBored]

11 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I don't know when I'm ever going to be able to start doing any kind of physical activity.

 

I think there are things you can do. Maybe not while you're actively sick, but in general. Maybe not as much as you'd like, but enough to start a habit. You can do a 5 minute workout and get plenty sweaty. That's short enough that you can do it every day. You can walk. Or try something like the NF angry birds workout, which you can do spread throughout the day/week. 

 

GMB (flexibility at least) is a flexible enough program that you could do that and avoid any body parts that are injured. 

 

The circumstances are making this 1000% harder for you, but there are ways that you can work around it instead of waiting for each thing to heal before you start something.