Hulkine and the final touch

[Arkania]

1 hour ago, Tobbe said:

 

I have a slow cooker, so that's no problem  Red lentils usually cooks in about 20 minutes in a regular pot.

 

I was wondering about the light colored squarish pieces in there, but I guess that's some really roughly chopped onion . I'd probably skip the chickpeas, but adding some greens is never a bad thing, so I might put some spinach in there! I was also curious about the light color of the dish. The dish in the photo on chefkoch.de is much more red in color. But it can be really difficult to get accurate colors of food on camera, so it might just be the lightening that is playing a trick  

 

I was really impressed with the automatic translation, so just for fun I wanted to compare it with Google's translation

 

 

German must be easy to machine translate because Google did a pretty good job too 

 

I think german and englisch are ok (most of the time, with easy texts) but I like DeepL more. Two guys from Cologne developed this algorythm and even in more complicated texts it's a lot better than google.

 

The big pieces in there is the mangold.
The photo was taken in front of the window, here is another pic of it:

[Tobbe]

6 minutes ago, Arkania said:

I think german and englisch are ok (most of the time, with easy texts) but I like DeepL more. Two guys from Cologne developed this algorythm and even in more complicated texts it's a lot better than google.

 

Interesting. I had never heard of DeepL before 

 

6 minutes ago, Arkania said:

The big pieces in there is the mangold.

 

Ahh, the bottom part of it  Had to google for a photo. I remembered wrong how it looked. Thought it was more like spinach with just a little red in the leaves  

 

6 minutes ago, Arkania said:

. 
The photo was taken in front of the window, here is another pic of it:

 

I like how creamy it looks 

[Arkania]

Things I like about my body:

1. I am relatively strong for a woman and also look like that

2. I like how my eyes look

3. I like my fine limbed-fingers (and also my horny skin on my hands from bouldering because that says I can boulder)

4. I like that my body is in a real good shape although I smoke(d) and did some other stuff to my body that was not the healthiest idea).

(I just can think about things I don't like at the moment... )

5. ........ hm. that's it. Oh, ok, I like my belly

[Tobbe]

3 minutes ago, Arkania said:

and also my horny skin on my hands

 

Had to take a double take on that one!  (my dirty mind just saw "horny hands" )

I think you mean you like the calluses on your hands   

[Tobbe]

5 minutes ago, Arkania said:

I just can think about things I don't like at the moment...

 

I know! It's too bad that it's so much easier to come up with negative points  But that's why it's important to spend time and actually think of a list like this! 

[Arkania]

33 minutes ago, Tobbe said:

 

Had to take a double take on that one!  (my dirty mind just saw "horny hands" )

I think you mean you like the calluses on your hands   

 

Sorry, ment horny hands

(No, didn't )

 

[Arkania]

Again some food photos of the last days

 

26/9

Some bread and scrambled eggs, nut pastry, again bread, tomatos with feta, Soy yoghurt with granola

 

27/9

plums and veggies with one egg

 

29/9

Barbecue for two people.... as I said, I can't prepare for just 2 people Pimentos de padron filled with emmentaler cheese, pork steak, water buffalo entrecôte, water buffalo chipolata and water buffalo merguez, chicken and veggies on a stick

 

 

30/9

Alpro cherry soy yoghurt (nope, nopenopenope, tastes like hubba bubba....), zwieback with avocado, tomato, feta

 

1/10

And bought some peanut butter 2x1kg

 

2/10

some toast with weight watchers butter and zucchini/champignons/spring onion, the big load of roasted veg. With pb sauce and tahini sauce and sunflower seeds.

 

 

3/10

Ono (protein noats with chocolate-coconut drink) with apple and banana and crunchy pb; sweet potato fries with dijonaise and chicorée with cheese, whole grain toast with avocado and tomato

 

4/10 - so far

ono (protein noats berry with almond milk) with banana, plums and crunchy pb

[Mad Hatter]

Your fries look super crispy and nice, how do you make them?

[Arkania]

53 minutes ago, Mad Hatter said:

Your fries look super crispy and nice, how do you make them?

 

I buy them in the store and put them in the oven

Ingredients are not that good, but sometimes this is ok:

86% sweet potatoes, 8% batter (rice flour, corn flour, modified potato starch, potato dextrin, salt, raising agents: diphosphates, sodium carbonates; stabiliser: xanthan gum; spice extracts), 6% sunflower oil.

[Mad Hatter]

Haha I was hoping for a magic recipe. 

[Tobbe]

8 hours ago, Arkania said:

Again some food photos of the last days

 

Yay! Love it

 

8 hours ago, Arkania said:

Barbecue for two people...

 

That bbq looks awesome! Looks like you'd have food for an extra guest  Now you just make me want to come visit even more!  I've never tried buffalo meat (only buffalo mozzarella, which I love!) And cheese filled pimientos de padron! What a great idea. I love cheese filled jalapeños, so I bet these would be awesome too 

 

9 hours ago, Arkania said:

bought some peanut butter 2x1kg

 

Go big or go home?  

 

9 hours ago, Arkania said:

zwieback with avocado, tomato, feta

 

Had to google zweiback... https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rusk

 

9 hours ago, Arkania said:

chicorée with cheese

 

Google to the rescue again  https://www.cooksinfo.com/belgian-endive

 

9 hours ago, Arkania said:

ono (protein noats berry with almond milk) with banana, plums and crunchy pb

 

Love the color of the noats! Looks really tasty with the toppings  

[Tobbe]

5 hours ago, Arkania said:

I buy them in the store and put them in the oven

Ingredients are not that good, but sometimes this is ok:

 

At least they didn't put sugar on them (I've seen it happen!)

[Arkania]

4/10 rest of the day

as I mentioned: The chickpea wrap from Madeleine Olivia (sort of)

 

as a snack a banana with some peanut butter and choc spread

 

Another recipe I tried out, very ugly but tastes amazing! One pot pasta with red wine-cream-reduction, mushrooms and parmesan.

 

5/10

Another avocado-tomato-feta rusk (translator says, zwieback is also american english but not that common :D )

 

The same wraps as on 4/10 but this time with mango chutney (that chutney was not good), hand for scale (and maaan, I can't wrap wraps properly....)

 

Lentil soup with leek and sausage.

 

6/10

 

the same lentil soup, this time with potato bread (and not that ugly anymore)

[Tobbe]

1 hour ago, Arkania said:

6/10

 

the same lentil soup, this time with potato bread (and not that ugly anymore)

 

This looks very tasty!  Did you bake the bread yourself? 

[Arkania]

1 hour ago, Tobbe said:

 

This looks very tasty!  Did you bake the bread yourself? 

No, I went to the farmer's shop and they told me: Heeey, we have some bread left for only 1€ and I didn't want them to throw it away, so I bought half the size of a wheel

[Arkania]

I chatted with a friend of mine (psychologist, but for kids) about stress, because today I have sort of noises in the ears that remind me of my hearing loss (I didn't have hearing loss but a lot of reverbs in my hearing when there were noises) in 2015. That was because of stress. Then I had a breakdown with panic attacks, breath problems, chest pain etc in April this year. A mental breakdown in August last year. The same in 2014 (do you ever have felt world-weariness/weltschmerz? Not good!), then the hearing loss in 2015.

I am scared because the interval between collapses is getting shorter and shorter and the downtime is getting longer.

I think this is because of my job (I am not sure because I don't have "real" stress, conscious stress. It seems to be unconscious. And so I don't know what it causes and I can't change a thing.

While I thought about this I remembered, that I had similar problems in school, when I had some problems there. She (the friend) thought, it may be Somatization.

I don't know what to do with this.

Yes, I can live with the somatization thing. But: If I don't know (just assume that it's the job) what causes this stress, how can I change something?

Because: It's not that my job is bad. My colleagues are mostly great, no mobbing, the job is ok but not really my thing anymore.

But I need it. Until debt is payed. So minimum one year from now on.

But this job caused stress back in 2015. And 2014. And 2010. Struggling.

 

Then I thought a bit further.

The therapists (2) I visited told me: Everything is ok with you, you can do this by yourself!

My friend told me I function to well. And I do "too much". But I can't do nothing. I did some workouts this week, because I can't not do them, then I will get fat again (...)! And all the other things I do are normal or even "just a bit" for me. That's nothing that can't be done by "normal" people.

I can't afford to get sick again and can't go to work then. Or to change my job. Or to quit. Not until my debts are fully paid (yeah, I have a insurance that will pay if I get unemployed...).

Someone told me, I should keep a diary/journal of things I do. And that this is a lot. I don't think so. But maybe I should do it. And show it to someone who is has an objextice (sort of..) view on that. Don't know who this might be. Because you can't give people a lot of text everyday and and expect them to evaluate it without payment.+

I am a bit sad today. Just cried a little because I don't know what I should change

[Jean]

Hey,

 

Not much I can do, so here's a cat hugging a teddy cat :

 

 

If your job seems to weigh on you, then yes, searching for another one might not be a bad idea. You don't have to quit your job now, or even within the year, and you're already tanking through it, so you can take the time to try and find what you'd really want to do. Because a job's a job but passions can pay debts too.

 

Anyway, I'd say you're holding too tight a ship. You don't seem to be letting yourself breathing room for being a human, failing and not having the world falling under because of it. Looks like you 'have' to feel good. You 'can't afford' to quit the battlefield and go for a resting shift, you just 'have' to hold on...

 

Well, sure, you can but it's your right too not to be fine. You may appear strong and happy and in control everytime but you still have a right to let go. Crying is a good thing, sometimes, too.

 

So, I'd say, start by giving yourself some space tomorrow. Relax and let things flow.

 

And if you want to write your journal here, I'll be happy to read it and comment on it. I'm sure I'm not the only one, too.

 

 

Another one for good measure ?

 

Take care.

[Tobbe]

36 minutes ago, Arkania said:

I think this is because of my job

 

36 minutes ago, Arkania said:

It's not that my job is bad. My colleagues are mostly great, no mobbing, the job is ok but not really my thing anymore.

But I need it. Until debt is payed. So minimum one year from now on. 

 

You don't need this job. You need a job. You need a job to pay your bills and your debt. But it doesn't matter what job it is, does it?

 

39 minutes ago, Arkania said:

how can I change something? 

 

You can try to find another place to work .

 

I think/know you have awesome plans for the future where you can and will work less, but keep your current income. And I'm sure you'll get there. But for now you need to find something that is good enough for another year or two. Could you change position/work responsibilities at your current job? Otherwise I still think you could try to find another job that will pay your bills for now. Changing jobs can be scary, but it might be the only way for you to find out if your current job is what is causing you all stress and anxiety.

 

Please take care of yourself. Stress should be taken seriously!

 

*hugs*

[Arkania]

41 minutes ago, Jean said:

If your job seems to weigh on you, then yes, searching for another one might not be a bad idea. You don't have to quit your job now, or even within the year, and you're already tanking through it, so you can take the time to try and find what you'd really want to do. Because a job's a job but passions can pay debts too.

 

I think this is part of the problem. 

The "find out what you'd really want to do".

Because I am thinking of that and making plans.

Maybe I should "accept my fate/destiny" until I am done with the debt. And to be honest: Sure I can pay my debt with having another job. But this job is payed really (!) good (for german standards), so I would be dumb to not keep until I am done with the debts. And as I saif, it's not really bad. But not the thing I want to do my whole life. I thought I accepted that (until next year) but this seems (uncosious) not to be like that. I would love to silence these physical problems until next year but I can't. It worked for some time now but I am no sure if it works until next year. On the other hand I am sort of paralyzed to do something regarding my "alternative plans" because after work I am so exhausted that I just want to surf (what is also not a good thing do do for relaxation...). And most of my environment (?) is asking me, why I have such problems with a great job, a great life etc.. That doesn't help...

Anyway, I'd say you're holding too tight a ship. You don't seem to be letting yourself breathing room for being a human, failing and not having the world falling under because of it. Looks like you 'have' to feel good. You 'can't afford' to quit the battlefield and go for a resting shift, you just 'have' to hold on...

 

Quote

 

Well, sure, you can but it's your right too not to be fine. You may appear strong and happy and in control everytime but you still have a right to let go. Crying is a good thing, sometimes, too.

 

So, I'd say, start by giving yourself some space tomorrow. Relax and let things flow.

 

And if you want to write your journal here, I'll be happy to read it and comment on it. I'm sure I'm not the only one, too.

 

 

 

 

That's the thing. I NEED to be strong and happy because I would be ungrateful if I don't. Bacause of good job, nice life etc..

Oh, I think crying helps and releases all the bad things sometime. So it is ok for me (but not in public ).

But, if I don't have control over my life, what do I have control over? Nothing. This I can't accept.

 

Next problem: How do I relax? It is nearly impossible to do "nothing", because you can't do nothing.

 

And thanks for your offer, I may copy my journal here even if I am scared that you (or someone else) might say: "What's your problem? This is not a lotta stuff you are doing!"

 

I think the biggest problem of all are my expectations of myself. (Maybe that is because of things that happen in the past. But I can't change the past so I have to think about changing this in the future).

 

 

And also thanks for the GIFs

[Arkania]

Sorry, I have to answer you tomorrow @Tobbe

But just for now: I just don't know what I WANT to do! What I would like to do for a living.

That's the next problem

[Jean]

21 minutes ago, Arkania said:

That's the thing. I NEED to be strong and happy because I would be ungrateful if I don't. Bacause of good job, nice life etc..

 

Well, yeah... but no. We all have our challenges and we all crave different things. A 'good job', 'nice life' 'etc' can be a burden if it isn't what you long for. There's nothing ungrateful in going for what makes your boat float disregarding whatever 'should' do the trick. Life is not an academic lab, praxis doesn't adapt to fit the theories. You can only be happy if you go for what, in your experience, makes you happy. Even more, if there's a place for you where you would be happy and you're not there, someone could very well be there and think she'd be better off in a different job (which would be the one you are currently doing). If everyone sticks to their guilt not to seem ungrateful, and don't show how they really feel, we can very well build a system where everybody is unhappy, and everybody appears like they're doing great.

 

 

13 minutes ago, Arkania said:

But just for now: I just don't know what I WANT to do! What I would like to do for a living.

 

Yeah, that's a common issue. It's hard to do it while already being occupied and preoccupied otherwise but finding what we really like is a fun quest. Any hobby, passion, thing you do that makes you smile or feel useful that you'd not consider doing for a living because it's a silly idea ?

[Arkania]

9 hours ago, Tobbe said:

 

 

You don't need this job. You need a job. You need a job to pay your bills and your debt. But it doesn't matter what job it is, does it?

 

 

You can try to find another place to work .

 

I think/know you have awesome plans for the future where you can and will work less, but keep your current income. And I'm sure you'll get there. But for now you need to find something that is good enough for another year or two. Could you change position/work responsibilities at your current job? Otherwise I still think you could try to find another job that will pay your bills for now. Changing jobs can be scary, but it might be the only way for you to find out if your current job is what is causing you all stress and anxiety.

 

Please take care of yourself. Stress should be taken seriously!

 

*hugs*

 

Let's get this straight: There are still 20k € of debt. I have an income of around 2800 (net/after taxes etc; as you know I am working 80%) and 1000 of this I put in the debt every month. Besides that I save 50€ a week.

When I go back to fulltime in June 2019, it will be around 3500€ net. So another maybe 500€ a month to put in there. Also I get a bonus in April that may not be good that year but could be around 5k-10k€.

I am planning to be done with the debt end of 2019 latest.

BUT: I work in a large group, that's why I get that much money.

Sure, I could try to find a job that would be paid as good at the one now but the chance to find one like that are low

So best would be: I can take it another year. In this year I try to figure out, what I really (!) want to do and prepare this alternative.

Problem: This job exhausts me. My energylevel for other things is really low.

But I can't stand this debt any longer.

 

My development dialogue is at the end of this month and I will talk to my new boss regarding my actual job. Unfortunately we are "in contingency" right now so no internal jobs are advertised reight now until the end of the year.

 

CHanging jobs: What if the actual job was not the problem? Then I would be very angry to have changed such a good job (income, work time etc) to a worse one

 

8 hours ago, Jean said:

Yeah, that's a common issue. It's hard to do it while already being occupied and preoccupied otherwise but finding what we really like is a fun quest. Any hobby, passion, thing you do that makes you smile or feel useful that you'd not consider doing for a living because it's a silly idea ?

 

If you would have asked this 15 years ago I would have said: Drawing.

But not anymore, maybe because I can't draw anymore in terms of skills

I like a lot of things but I am not sure if there is one (or more) thing(s) I like that much to do it for a living.

[Jean]

40 minutes ago, Arkania said:

So best would be: I can take it another year. In this year I try to figure out, what I really (!) want to do and prepare this alternative.

Problem: This job exhausts me. My energylevel for other things is really low.

But I can't stand this debt any longer.

 

That'd be the best solution, yes, IF you can hold... Building a hobby, that can turn into a living if things go well (think drawing e-comics for example, everybody has started doing it on top of another existing job) may help you feel like you are taking time for yourself and make the whole situation more endurable.

 

Walking and running is great to let the mind flow and get new ideas (or organize the ideas we already have). I'm feeling something similar with my cool-down routine. I don't know if you do it but if you are already taking that time for yourself, maybe there'd be a way to tweak it to make it also thoughts organizative by itself ?

 

EDIT: On a side note, we have roughly the same debt and the same deadline. You seem to be putting a huge effort in it, congrats!

[Tobbe]

23 minutes ago, Arkania said:

So best would be: I can take it another year.

 

Are you sure? Even if you manage to "take it", how will you feel after one year of "taking it"? Is is really worth it? As you said, every time you get to a point where you feel really bad it takes longer and longer to get back to a more happy place.

 

25 minutes ago, Arkania said:

But I can't stand this debt any longer.

 

Why can't you stand it? Is it the feeling of being in dept itself, or is it because of who you are in dept towards?

Reason I'm asking is because if it is the latter you could take a loan and pay off your current dept, and instead "just" be in dept to some bank or whatever. Maybe that wouldn't feel as bad?

 

27 minutes ago, Arkania said:

CHanging jobs: What if the actual job was not the problem? Then I would be very angry to have changed such a good job (income, work time etc) to a worse one

 

Then you can most likely go back to your current job. At least if your boss thinks you're doing a good job. At my last employer we had people leave for a few month, then realize that the grass wasn't greener on the other side, so they came back. Nothing wrong with that.

 

I changed jobs not too long ago, and it was super scary. Doing it I even took a pretty big hit to my salary. But, just like you, the job I had was draining my energy. From the outside I bet it looks like I'm doing the exact same thing on this new job, as I did on my last. So even though I didn't really change what I do, I changed the surroundings, and that made all the difference! Just like you, I were at a place in my life where I felt that something, anything, had to change, because I wasn't happy. Changing job was nothing I did without losing a lot of sleep, worrying, thinking... Now, obviously, I think it was absolutely the right thing to do! But I wouldn't had known if I hadn't taken the chance.

[Arkania]

I shifted some credits in one from my bank, so that's not the thing.

I am not sure why I am so scared about that. Because, what's the worst that could happen?
-> I can't pay for it anymore.

a) Because I lost my job -> I have an insurance for it, that then will pay

b) Because I have a job where I earn so little that I can't pay the installment anymore -> I can reduce it because I know someone at the bank, maybe I can even stop paying for a few months. And after that there is the possibility to declare personal bankruptcy (this has some bad consequences for a long time but one can go through this).

 

Both, a) and b) will take more time to be debt free then but: People are buying houses for hundred thousands of dollar/euro, pay it of for decades and can sleep good with it and live their dream....

Maybe it is the thing that I then failed to follow through with something that I've fucked up in the first place. (I was always the kid that loved one day playing soccer the other day soccer was boring and drawing was super fun etc, I never really have sticked to something (except my business career sort of, but that is "something with future, a decent job. You are crazy to wanna be an artist! You can't earn money with that and... what will the people think??".....)

 

I am not "free" with this debt. I don't feel free. Maybe it's because it was not just student debts etc but also consumer debt (man, how could I have been this stupid...?!)

 

But let's say, I will pay the "normal" installment of ~560€ a month (the 440€ I pay extra as an special repayment), With one month a year off (the bank offers that).

Then I will be debt free in 36 months (end of 2021). Wow. This is a very long time.

But I could save this money. For e.g. building a business, put it in ETFs for more money, maybe to a short sabbatical to get everything out of my mind and reset or just save it to to repay the loan prematurely in one installment at the end.

Maybe I will look for another job the next days.... even if I don't know what I could do or what I am good at

 

Thank you both!