Unmotivated and overweight

[shortstuff]

So I still live at home with my parents. For as long as I can remeber my mum has always been overweight (not to be mean or anything, but anyone can see this just by looking at her, and going on the photos on todays article, I would put her BF % at 30+%). She says she should lose weight, but doesn't do anything about it, and on the rare occasion she does, it doesn't last very long. For example, a couple of weeks ago, my sister was home, and somehow got her motivated enough to do something about it. The plan was that for the first week, my mum would write down everything she eat, and email it to my sister, so that my sister could see what she was eating. The plan was also for mum to start walking. From there, they "planed" on working out how to cut the food. The first week went ok, when mum wrote everything down, she wrote EVERYTHING down, when she didn't, well, she didn't write anything done. She did write down what she eat for most of the 7 days, I will give her that. Now this is where it all goes wrong. She gave up. I guess my sister and I could have done more, but in saying that we can't lose the weight for her.

I don't know if it's important or not, but she told my sister and I that she was 106kg (or 233 pounds), we also worked out that her bmi was about 46 from memory. She doesn't go out of her way to exercise, and the only kind of exercise she gets, would be from clearning, geting a load of wood for the fire, the occasional sheep work (which is spent in the ute as much as possible), and a little bit of gardening. I think it is safe to say that most of her time is spent inside on her laptop, playing games on facebook. She also is 50 years old, and has bad shoulders.

How does one motivate someone that is overweight, has a bit to lose, not only knows that they should lose weight, but says that they want to, but does nothing about it? I want to be able to help her, but more importantly I want to motivate her, becuase I feel like if she doesn't have the motivation, than she just won't do it.

Sorry if it's a bit long

[TheSavageBean]

Motivation is internal, she has to find it herself. All you can do is leave information lying around the house, you can't make her read it, nor can you make her follow it.

[Siferiax]

Here's an article from Steve about just this www.nerdfitness.com/blog/2011/03/s29/the-captain-america-guide-to-leadership-and-inspiration/

[leadchipmunk]

The best motivation is inspiration. You and your sister need to prove what a good diet and exercise can do. If your mom is really interested in losing weight, then she'll notice and be motivated to do it. If she doesn't want to get healthier, then, well, you'll get what you have been getting.

[Georges]

One thing that Steve didn't address in the Captain America article was the idea that it is a bit hard to measure how much (or little) someone other than yourself wants to change. The only ways to measure it are through what someone says and what someone does. In this case, the measures are conflicting - she says she wants change, but her actions do not promote that change.

Your mum says she knows she should lose weight and she says she wants to. Is she saying this because it is true, or because it is what you want to hear? It is easy to agree or say placating things to try to end an uncomfortable conversation.

The other measure is just as dodgy: what she does. It's easy to look at someone making no changes and say that they are not motivated, but are there other reasons she's not making changes? Is she afraid to change, or convinced that she will fail, or just uncertain on what she should change?

I think the only one with answers to this is your mum.

[cline]

I grew up with two parents who smoked in the house all the time. Even after both kids were diagnosed with asthma (including a trip to the hospital for my brother). We begged, we pleaded, we got sick... nothing. They wouldn't even smoke outside. I spent less and less time at home as I got older.

They'd both smoked since teens. Then, one day, when they were both in their 50's, they woke up and quit cold turkey. I'm fairly certain something happened. Maybe a health scare? They won't talk about it. But it happened and they quit and they've never gone back to smoking (not even once!). I'll never know. I know they have a lifetime of health problems now.

Guess my point is - they weren't even motivated for their kids. We used to say "but you'll get cancer and die" and they told us to be quiet and ignored us. Motivation comes from within and sometimes requires a serious awakening in order to see it.

[Tola Seng]

shortstuff, I can tell you really love your mom and want the best for her - that's commendable.

As been stated, the best, lasting motivation comes from within, not fro without. Your sister was able to motivate her, but it only lasted a week. Your best bet is to "practice what you preach." Lead by showing - lead by being an example. Love your mom for who is she now - no matter what shape she is in. Realize, that maybe at one point you were struggling with some issues and that you just weren't "ready" to "fix" it. Everyone has internal struggles that only "they" must overcome.

As Morpheus said to Neo - "I can only show you the door. You have to walk through yourself."

You can only show your mom the way. She has to go through it herself.

Good luck! It will happen.

[shortstuff]

We aren't trying to help her becuase we think she needs to lose weight, but because she wants to lose the weight- something that we don't pressure her into saying, or at lest I don't think we are - up until this year, we never really talked about losing weight or getting fit, but mum has been saying she wants to lose some weight before that. But now I can see that you all are right. So thank you for making me see that. I mean just reading over what I have written so far, has made me realised that while she may say she wants to lose weight, she can't really care that much or wanted to lose some weight that badly or she would have done something about it.

[cline]

Yup. You got it. How many of us have been there? Yup.

[Georges]

It's not just the question of whether she really wants to, though. If she is motivated but feels that change isn't possible, she would also have the kind of results you described. Figuring out whether it's fear or lack of motivation that's holding her back might take some serious touchy-feely, tearsy inward looking, either on her own, or with counseling. That looked facetious when I re-read it, but seriously, taking care of ourselves (or not) is usually rooted in some of our hardest-to-acknowledge psychiatric... stuff.

She may have already decided that she can't, and that there is no point in trying. It's a misconception a lot of people have, and I think it's culturally reinforced (at least here in the USA) by all the adverts for quick fixes that start out talking about how no one can succeed... without their product.

One thing that might be helpful if this is the case is a support group of people who are just starting, and who are starting at a similar level. As inspiring as I find the stories that Steve has highlighted (Spezzy, Saint, etc.), I also find them less accessible than say,

, or that clip about

. Why? Probably because I can't yet picture myself at the "starting points" the the NerdFitness examples had.

Anyway, I don't want you to give up hope. Whether she is motivated or not now, she may be motivated in the future. Even if all you can do is love her until then, that's important.

[tigersheart]

We aren't trying to help her becuase we think she needs to lose weight, but because she wants to lose the weight- something that we don't pressure her into saying, or at lest I don't think we are

You may not be pressuring her at all, but sometimes people will still say what 'they' think you want to hear, even if you do not ask the question, or make the statement. She knows she is over weight, so she may feel that her children 'want'

Plain and simple, you CAN'T motivate her. The only thing you can truly do is help inspire that motivation within her.

The other posts have some great ideas for inspiration, but everyone's trigger is different, so until she is truly ready, it will be an uphill battle.

[Raincloak]

If you demonstrate good habits, your mother may start to copy you. Or ... she may not. It's really up to her, not you.

One of the major things people learn when they grow up is that they are not responsible for the wellbeing of their parents. (At least not mostly. When they get really old, you may be obligated to nurse them.) But you can't make your mother lose weight, eat right, or exercise. She couldn't make you do that, and you're the daughter.

I wouldn't recommend your mother start by "cutting down her food," though. In fact, if dieting is really hard for her, don't push her to do it at all. Some people just have a really hard time with food, and she needs to change one bit at a time.

I would suggest you start going for walks, and inviting her to join you. (If you have a dog, this is a perfect opportunity to exercise it.) Go slow at first and begin with just a few blocks at a time, so she can keep up. Try to get her to walk at least four times a week.

If she complains that her feet or back hurt, she may need to get better walking shoes (a good running store can fit her for these) and possibly orthotics or supportive insoles. She should speak to her doctor if she has any concerns. As she loses weight, there will be less stress on her body and the walks will get easier.

Gradually lengthen the distance, but do not force her to increase the speed until she feels ready. As she gets stronger, try getting her to walk up a few stairs here and there -- like when you're at the mall, walk up the escalator instead of just standing on it. Just a few stairs at a time. Don't push your mother to run, she is heavy and old and that's a recipe for injury, which will just send her back to the couch.

If she complains she's bored, try to engage her in conversation on your walks, or get her a radio or an iPod. Don't give her a smartphone, as she'll have to stop walking to fiddle with it every few steps.

If you know any tempting vegetable recipes, cook them. She can taste them for herself and see how nice real food can be. Same goes for meat, fish, eggs, etc. Don't pressure her to eat them, just cook them and eat them yourself. She will try them when she wants. Do not buy junk food (eg, white starches and sugars), and do not bring it into the house. If she buys the stuff herself, you can't stop her, but don't try to lecture her -- just avoid adding to the problem. Set a good example by eating good food yourself. If you don't know how to cook, now's a really good time to learn, because this is a key to taking care of your OWN body.