Osu

[Kishi]

14 hours ago, Urgan said:

This might be relevant to your interests, if only for your amusement. 

 

It is! It's actually really refreshing to see some honest self-reflection and critique about what people's true reasons for study are versus what the propaganda says. And it's interesting to see the shift in the reasons that people take martial arts, that it's not just a self-defense thing anymore but rather that people want to have fun. It actually goes a long way toward explaining why we have such a hard time in Karate as well, although I don't know how we'd fix something like that.

 

Hey, @Machete! Get a load of this!

 

*

 

Hoookay. So even though I've posted since Sunday, I haven't actually updated my training since... like, Friday? When I said I was going to work on abz and wheelz (that's what the kids call leg training. I get it, and also, I don't).

 

And that's precisely what I did. Leg work and ab work. I seem to recall doing some shadowboxing as well? Not sure if I actually did or not; I've reset myself back to a minute per day to make this stupid-easy to do and cut out my excuses, which makes it blur into the other training in recollection.

 

Saturday, we had the demo. The demo went well! We actually had a shopper join us, and there was a lot of engagement. Of course we had some dude with a full cup talking about how guns were better, which I mean, dude, we know, but all weapons have their ranges and if you're close enough the knife works against a gun. It was actually handy to have one of the Krav people who comes to practice with us talk about it with the dude, and he left with a thoughtful expression on his face. Another shopper came up to us and said she wouldn't join us but she "was seriously digging the vibe, man." Which, I mean. I'll take that. We're happy stabby folk.

 

After it was done, I bought a kubotan and a tactical pen from the place, because I wanted to offer patronage to the store - one, because kubotan are useful and street-legal, and two because I thought it would be good politics to make things solid between us and the store so that they don't feel like we're just wasting space.

 

I went back to the dojo afterward and trained for a bit. We had some more students show up, including a gent who owns one of the local Tapout gyms. He's about 250 lbs and solid muscle; dude played football in college and never fell out of shape. I think he's a big part of the reason we've taken to pressure testing this stuff like we have, which makes me happy. About partway through, though, class ground down into a lecture about the realities of self-defense. One of our students is also the head of the NCSU Aikido club, and she got a look on her face when Biggie told her that aikido doesn't work. She was not ready to hear that. Oh well.

 

Left class early to go get cleaned up for a gaming night. It was a friend's birthday, so we went and played lots of board games. It was cool, though, because her husband runs a Wado-ryu Karate dojo, so we get to compare notes about training and such like that whilst eating lots of decadent vegetarian food. Lots of board games, too. Wound up playing Abyss and Meeple Circus, both of which were incredibly fun even if I didn't win either one.

 

Sunday, went out and boxed. Gassed for the first time in a long time - just got to be too much and couldn't catch my breath. I'm not sure if it's just a sign that my conditioning has bottomed out or if it's the weather exacerbating some long-dormant asthma or what, but having to tap out in front of the coach and a young man was really embarrassing. Nobody judged me for it except me, and Coach was actually super-positive about it, saying that I was one of the hardest workers he knows and that he really respected me for being honest with my limits and communicating that.

 

That didn't stop me from judging myself, though. So I've got a hair to start skipping as much rope as my body will let me, because that's the simplest and smallest step I can think to take right now, given my longer term goals of getting back to Simple and getting ridiculous on bodyweight feats. I think it'll work. The goal is to get to 15 minutes four days a week, because Coach will have us skipping lots of rope on Sunday and I don't need to do more on top of that. Once I get there, well, I'll reassess and take the next steps as necessary.

 

I thought I'd have enough time to get home, eat something, and get back for BJJ, but what wound up happening was that Coach wanted to stay back and hang for a while, and there was no way to manage both food and BJJ. I chose food, and then did my upper body work. Checked out the Blood Moon. It was pretty great.

 

Monday was a rest day.

 

Tuesday, we got out to Karate in the garage. Lots of pad and bag work. Afterward, K-sensei had us working on some throws and clinch work. I'm not sure if he's trying to make up for us not being able to judo at the same time or what, but he had a crash mat and padded floors, so it wasn't bad. Asthma didn't flare up, which seems to cement my initial suspicion about conditioning. After that, S&S and a couple rounds of skipping rope afterward, 60 seconds of work and 30 seconds of rest.

 

Wednesday was a rest day. I took a long lunch to go visit a friend I hadn't seen in a while, then decided to say screw it to the salt mines and went to visit my sci-fi watching friend. We watched some more Expanse. It remains good. It's getting better, actually. Drank beer strong enough to make my face heat up; haven't done that in a while.

 

Looking at my training long term, I have a real itch to get back to grappling. I don't really seem to have a way to make Saturday reliably happen - someone always wants my time on Saturday, and even on the one day that I actually have time, when I make it out, everyone's gone to shiai. The only realistic way I see to do that going forward is to take Thursdays for BJJ. K-sensei will understand; he won't be thrilled about it, but I'm at a point in my training where shadowboxing and bagwork are about as useful as spending time under the watchful gaze of my teacher. He says I've got another 2-3 years before he's comfy testing me for the black; one day on the mats isn't going to make a difference there, but 2-3 days shadowboxing and hitting the heavy bag might.

 

So, I guess that makes me a mixed martial artist then. Because Tuesday I have kickboxing, Thursday BJJ, Saturday judo and kali, and Sunday boxing. That's... wow. Never thought I'd have the opportunity for that.

 

Anyway. Tonight is BJJ and handstands and another couple rounds of skipping rope. So far, the problem bits of me, the things I'm afraid of hurting, seem to be okay. Left elbow's a bit twingy secondary to adding some weight on to the TGUs; I need to listen to that.

 

Otherwise, though... I think I'm good.

[Urgan]

9 minutes ago, Kishi said:

It is! It's actually really refreshing to see some honest self-reflection and critique about what people's true reasons for study are versus what the propaganda says. And it's interesting to see the shift in the reasons that people take martial arts, that it's not just a self-defense thing anymore but rather that people want to have fun. It actually goes a long way toward explaining why we have such a hard time in Karate as well, although I don't know how we'd fix something like that.

 

10 minutes ago, Kishi said:

About partway through, though, class ground down into a lecture about the realities of self-defense. One of our students is also the head of the NCSU Aikido club, and she got a look on her face when Biggie told her that aikido doesn't work. She was not ready to hear that. Oh well.

 

Step one might be don't alienate the people you already have....if that's a commonly held attitude in the dojo then that's going to do nothing to help attendance--most ESPECIALLY if you have any interest in getting other martial artists to train with you. Speaking purely for myself, I might very well quit if I were confronted like that. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

21 minutes ago, Kishi said:

So, I guess that makes me a mixed martial artist then. Because Tuesday I have kickboxing, Thursday BJJ, Saturday judo and kali, and Sunday boxing. That's... wow. Never thought I'd have the opportunity for that.

Kinda like a Ranger of Monks?

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

[sarakingdom]

1 minute ago, Urgan said:

 

 

Step one might be don't alienate the people you already have....if that's a commonly held attitude in the dojo then that's going to do nothing to help attendance--most ESPECIALLY if you have any interest in getting other martial artists to train with you. Speaking purely for myself, I might very well quit if I were confronted like that. 

 

It would be a toxic-masculinity red flag to me, for sure. That's one of those shorthands for "I'm soaked in a bunch of locker room macho opinions", and also "I don't care about the training needs of smaller, shorter, more female bodies". I'd nope out of there and find people who weren't assholes to train with. There are plenty of dudes who don't need to knee-jerk shit on people to feel like men, and they're 1000% better and safer for women to be around.

[Urgan]

2 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

 

It would be a toxic-masculinity red flag to me, for sure. That's one of those shorthands for "I'm soaked in a bunch of locker room macho opinions", and also "I don't care about the training needs of smaller, shorter, more female bodies". I'd nope out of there and find people who weren't assholes to train with. There are plenty of dudes who don't need to knee-jerk shit on people to feel like men, and they're 1000% better and safer for women to be around.

 

I agree that it's full-cup-ism and a sign of someone who is so self-assured he is in no position to be open to have his mind changed while simultaneously demanding that 100% of the other person or else be potentially Made an Example Of--hypocrisy at its finest. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman doling out the treatment, it's equally harmful, but in this type of situation there DEFINITELY is an air of physical intimidation being attempted with a side of Appeal to Authority, depending on if he is his own Authority or he's citing someone else. No one dojo is so precious.

[Machete]

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

18 hours ago, Urgan said:

This might be relevant to your interests, if only for your amusement. 

 

It is! It's actually really refreshing to see some honest self-reflection and critique about what people's true reasons for study are versus what the propaganda says. And it's interesting to see the shift in the reasons that people take martial arts, that it's not just a self-defense thing anymore but rather that people want to have fun. It actually goes a long way toward explaining why we have such a hard time in Karate as well, although I don't know how we'd fix something like that.

 

Hey, @Machete! Get a load of this!

 

Very interesting. It reminds me of this article written by one of the instructors I used to train with in NC. Even the BJJ/MMA zealots have ineffective techniques/concepts; that's just the nature of the game. When someone asks me for "self-defense" I recommend a victim-prevention seminar first, then handgun courses, then basic combatives, then martial arts continuing education (both armed and unarmed). I think the mere idea of self-defense (disaster prepping included) is just another grind that we like to use to distract ourselves from the apparent meaninglessness of existence. (Sorry, new meds.)

 

2 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

 

It would be a toxic-masculinity red flag to me, for sure. That's one of those shorthands for "I'm soaked in a bunch of locker room macho opinions", and also "I don't care about the training needs of smaller, shorter, more female bodies". I'd nope out of there and find people who weren't assholes to train with. There are plenty of dudes who don't need to knee-jerk shit on people to feel like men, and they're 1000% better and safer for women to be around.

 

I like to shit on all the cage fighter wannabes at my gym. Mostly because it's funny, but also because when I was their age I was too busy hustling for cash to pay for training rather than talking about my plans to be then next UFC champ (but to be fair I didn't have a MySpace account then). I think females can definitely smell the dick-swinging air, even if it appears to be a welcoming environment. That's probably why we have like a 10:1 male to female ratio. If I weren't so socially awkward I could probably get more of them in there; I imagine a 5'2 Asian dude with an ever-present smile wouldn't be intimidating at all.

[Kishi]

4 hours ago, Urgan said:

 

 

Step one might be don't alienate the people you already have....if that's a commonly held attitude in the dojo then that's going to do nothing to help attendance--most ESPECIALLY if you have any interest in getting other martial artists to train with you. Speaking purely for myself, I might very well quit if I were confronted like that. 

 

4 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

 

It would be a toxic-masculinity red flag to me, for sure. That's one of those shorthands for "I'm soaked in a bunch of locker room macho opinions", and also "I don't care about the training needs of smaller, shorter, more female bodies". I'd nope out of there and find people who weren't assholes to train with. There are plenty of dudes who don't need to knee-jerk shit on people to feel like men, and they're 1000% better and safer for women to be around.

 

4 hours ago, Urgan said:

 

I agree that it's full-cup-ism and a sign of someone who is so self-assured he is in no position to be open to have his mind changed while simultaneously demanding that 100% of the other person or else be potentially Made an Example Of--hypocrisy at its finest. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman doling out the treatment, it's equally harmful, but in this type of situation there DEFINITELY is an air of physical intimidation being attempted with a side of Appeal to Authority, depending on if he is his own Authority or he's citing someone else. No one dojo is so precious.

 

I see. I think I need to clarify some things.

 

So, to paint the picture properly for you: when I got there, class had been going for a while. We worked on transitions in cuts - lots of flow work type stuff. Afterward, we all congregated down at one end of the mat. I don't remember what the exact impetus of this conversation was, but somehow Manong and Biggie got to talking about the proper escalation of force, and what legally constitutes self-defense versus assault and battery. Biggie got to talking about what the expectation is for cops and the proper use of force, and how once upon a time cops were taking lots of martial arts training, and how that's tapered off with the increase of criminal's rights and the advent of tasers. He's had to explore this a very great deal as his degree is in criminal justice, and he's trained cops before at his school and continues to do so.

 

When he started talking, my boxing coach decided he wanted to chime in, because he moonlights as a bouncer in addition to his Krav training, which is also heavily colored by law enforcement personnel telling them what's appropriate and what isn't. And what followed was this very in-depth lecture between the two of them over what constitutes assault, what constitutes battery, where the line is, what's appropriate, what's not.

 

Manong for his part basically facilitated the talk, which basically meant it was three teachers and three students. None of us were particularly cornered or called out. Mostly it was just Coach talking about what he's done to people and Biggie being like, "Yeah, that was probably good," or "No, you need to be careful about this." Afterward, Manong got up and played around with some movement mechanics and moved Biggie around like he was a child. And Biggie was like, "Yes. See. This is why we need to be here. Because this? This works. Y'know, it's not like other arts. TKD? Meh. Probably doesn't work. Aikido? Doesn't work." Just this throwaway line. Not even looking at her, not standing over her, not talking down to her, nothing.  I look over to the aikidoka, and she just smirks and flicks her wrists. And I think to myself, Oh. You didn't want to hear that.

 

And, I mean. When I compare his conduct to the conduct of the other assholes who we've had to shut down in this place, I just don't see active toxicity or a full cup. There was a bigger guy who came through once, tipped the scales at 350 and didn't want to listen to anything we had to say, even to the point of insulting K-sensei. K-sensei put him down, and he left. There was another gent who came through the kali class and you might remember, he was the one who wanted to teach whom we managed to disabuse of that notion quickly. That man had a full cup and couldn't be trained for nothing; he always wanted to bring it back to tomahawks and had a really inflated sense of what he brought to the table.

 

As for this gentleman? Well. He's blunt, doesn't really have a lot of tact, and is very, very confident. But he's also always the first one to admit it when he's had a bad idea in training, he's always cracking jokes on himself, and he's hungry to learn. He presents with a very wide knowledge base, and of course he lets that inform what he does, but even when we're doing our flowiest shit, he never complains and never asks questions in bad faith.

 

So I can understand why you'd be angry - I was trying to hit the notable parts of the week as I was posting during the work day (shhhhh) and that part stuck out to me given the context of the data I was presented with earlier. But if you're gonna be angry at anyone, it should be me, because I didn't give you the fullest picture of what happened.

 

If you're still angry because of his pedagogical preferences, well, I guess we can have that fight again. I'm not sure I understand why we would, but I solemnly swear that my confusion is in good faith.

 

7 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Kinda like a Ranger of Monks?

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

 

I mean, I've joked in the past that Monks are happy Rangers. As opposed to rage-lifting in the boxes, I mean.

 

4 hours ago, Machete said:

Very interesting. It reminds me of this article written by one of the instructors I used to train with in NC. Even the BJJ/MMA zealots have ineffective techniques/concepts; that's just the nature of the game. When someone asks me for "self-defense" I recommend a victim-prevention seminar first, then handgun courses, then basic combatives, then martial arts continuing education (both armed and unarmed). I think the mere idea of self-defense (disaster prepping included) is just another grind that we like to use to distract ourselves from the apparent meaninglessness of existence. (Sorry, new meds.)

 

Well yeah, I mean. Gaps in the game is the whole premise of MMA. Nobody's playing with a complete set, but even like this guy says, even if he goes to traditional arts, he doesn't necessarily take their techniques so much as he takes their perspectives and their mindset. His technical bases are still in things that demand a certain amount of non-compliant training. So.

 

 

[sarakingdom]

7 hours ago, Machete said:

I like to shit on all the cage fighter wannabes at my gym.

 

You're doing the Lord's work.

[Kishi]

UGH God it's Friday. What a week. My sleep hygiene's rekt and I am feeling it. Most specifically in my sense of compassion fatigue for the people I'm supposed to serve, but also just with life in general. Feeling spread pretty thin. I don't even get a Ring of Power in the bargain. Phooey.

 

So, Thursday. Told K-sensei I was going to go roll with the mat savages. He wasn't impressed; he thought I was going off to engage in novelty and that I'd only been a few times to train with him in the past month and there was no way I'd progress at this rate. Piqued my sense of outrage, but also my sense of guilt. So I guess I have to find a way to balance this on top of everything else. Nevermind of course that he's trying to get us to do judo on his mats to help make up for the time we aren't spending there, so it's not like we're doing pure striking work anyway. I guess the delays are okay when he says they are? Whatever. I'm too tired to argue.

 

I'll probably wind up doing BJJ after boxing on Sunday anyway just to keep the peace, which will mean packing a meal because if the Boxing Coach is gonna insist on gassing us every time, I need to get something in me to keep me coherent on the mats. Because, man, I'm itching to get something in and Saturday's too hit-and-miss for it to be reliable. And I gotta do something to make the money I'm paying there worth something.

 

Still. Getting really tired of this sense that everyone and their grandma is trying to grind me down.

 

All that being said. BJJ was a lot of fun. The instructor was super low-key, and the time flew by. Got to do some newaza with them afterward, and the change in rulesets was an adjustment. In Judo rules, when you roll on the mats, you can win either with pins or with subs. In BJJ, apparently it's subs only, which means there's no penalty for being in pin for a while. I was able to roll really well - couldn't land pins or subs, but did try to apply the couple things we'd practiced and made a fight of it. There was the instructor and a blue belt there, and I could feel the difference in their techniques - one is fluid, the other is solid. I'll leave it to you to guess which is which.

 

Anyway. My days are finishing up at about 23:00 as opposed to a reasonable time, and I've been trying to allow myself time to consume content when the fact is, I need to be focused on making dinner and going to bed. I've not been good about that. Instead, I feel this need to consume content and be informed about things, but I get sucked down that rabbit hole pretty hard and I haven't got to bed until between 02:00 and 03:00. This has to stop. It's not healthy, and it's not doing me any good at all.

 

I've got to find a way to break this cycle up. It all started with this stupid school drama. Prior to that, I had time to get home, get food ready to cook, and then go away for a bit. But now it's broken, and K-sensei wants to start earlier, and I get out of work late and just on and on and on.

 

So. I have to get out of work earlier.

 

Which means getting to work earlier.

 

Which means getting to bed earlier. "The solution to the problem is to *solve* the problem." Great.

 

I reckon, the key to this is using training in the morning as an incentive to be up early, because I think a large part of my problem is taking time between class and dinner to do extra work. If I got that shit done early enough in the morning, it would be done and out of the way, and then I could focus on getting down and even have the flexibility to veg if I wanted to.

 

Still means getting up early at some point. Oh well. Saturday and Sunday are as good days as any to put this to practice.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

Compassion fatigue sucks when you are in the helping professions. It sounds like there is a lot of low-key toxicity in your dojo. I'm not referencing the recent Aikido discussion, but the way the leaders/teachers/senseis interact with each other and with you. K-Sensei's double standard (delays are ok on his terms but not yours) does not sound particularly healthy. I ask you to note your reaction and look at what you wrote as if it was written by someone else. K-Sensei said something dismissive of Kishi and employed a double standard, and then Kishi got upset but then felt guilty. What does that look like to you?

 

I also ask you to read the last few pages and see where you have defended the dojo's leadership after someone has pointed out they were not necessarily acting in the healthiest of ways.

[Mistr]

My sympathy on running yourself ragged. I know that rat race of working too hard and wanting to take time to relax, which makes you stay up too late and...

 

Biting the bullet to break the cycle is the way to go. I think you have good ideas on what to change to fix it.

 

@Tanktimus the Encourager is right. Take a look at which martial arts classes have been fun and which ones are less satisfying. That argument about cross-training versus focusing on one art will always be there. Each teacher is going to want you to choose their art to focus on. You might even take a week off from all of them to clean up your life and pay attention to which you miss the most.

[Urgan]

I'm not surprised you feel worn thin when on top of everything else that's been going on you plan to add more stuff into your routine lol. You know the deal, I just have to point out the obvious because It's What I Do. And extend from @Tanktimus the Encourager's point on toxicity, I wonder how much your cross training might be feeding biases people are having an increasingly difficult time hiding about the other arts even under the same affiliation. Nevermind that guy with dumb opinions, I mean do you think you may be feeling pressure from everyone to go 110% with their class in part because it would serve their interests to monopolize your energy? All subconscious in many ways, I assume no evil intent.

[Kishi]

On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 7:26 PM, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

Compassion fatigue sucks when you are in the helping professions. It sounds like there is a lot of low-key toxicity in your dojo. I'm not referencing the recent Aikido discussion, but the way the leaders/teachers/senseis interact with each other and with you. K-Sensei's double standard (delays are ok on his terms but not yours) does not sound particularly healthy. I ask you to note your reaction and look at what you wrote as if it was written by someone else. K-Sensei said something dismissive of Kishi and employed a double standard, and then Kishi got upset but then felt guilty. What does that look like to you?

 

I also ask you to read the last few pages and see where you have defended the dojo's leadership after someone has pointed out they were not necessarily acting in the healthiest of ways.

 

On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 8:43 PM, Mistr said:

My sympathy on running yourself ragged. I know that rat race of working too hard and wanting to take time to relax, which makes you stay up too late and...

 

Biting the bullet to break the cycle is the way to go. I think you have good ideas on what to change to fix it.

 

@Tanktimus the Encourager is right. Take a look at which martial arts classes have been fun and which ones are less satisfying. That argument about cross-training versus focusing on one art will always be there. Each teacher is going to want you to choose their art to focus on. You might even take a week off from all of them to clean up your life and pay attention to which you miss the most.

 

I'mma address both of these in the general update, but I did want to quote you two just to say that I took the advice to heart and I want to thank you both for caring enough to give it.

 

On ‎1‎/‎25‎/‎2019 at 9:02 PM, Urgan said:

I'm not surprised you feel worn thin when on top of everything else that's been going on you plan to add more stuff into your routine lol. You know the deal, I just have to point out the obvious because It's What I Do. And extend from @Tanktimus the Encourager's point on toxicity, I wonder how much your cross training might be feeding biases people are having an increasingly difficult time hiding about the other arts even under the same affiliation. Nevermind that guy with dumb opinions, I mean do you think you may be feeling pressure from everyone to go 110% with their class in part because it would serve their interests to monopolize your energy? All subconscious in many ways, I assume no evil intent.

 

I think you're right. Manong wants me all in because he wants to expand his method of teaching kali and wants me to get to teaching. K-sensei wants me all in due to time invested and a desire to make me an expert in something before I'm too old to make something of myself. J-sensei, man, I dunno what he wants, but judo is a cult and once you're on the mats it's expected that you sacrifice your firstborn on an altar to Kano-o-sensei (who will not approve of it). The only two coaches I study under now who are willing to let things be would be the boxing coach and the BJJ coach.

 

It's... cultural systemic stuff. They learned to think the way they do, so they bring that with them in everything they do. They don't mean to, but that doesn't make what they do right.

 

*

 

So. Friday wound up being relatively quiet. There wasn't anything to go to except a publicist meeting which I didn't know about until the last minute. We discussed ownership stakes and afterward I made arrangements to teach some stuff to one of the other guys there. On a Tuesday night. No karate. Ugh.

 

The meeting finished and it was too late to go the gym. So I elected to practice gymnastic stuff at home. It was real eye-opener in some ways - I figured that I could do full deck squats if I had a weight to counterbalance me and pull me into position. It's not exactly the same stimulus as working with assistance in the mats, but it's exciting to see that I have an alternative on days when I really can't make it to the gym, as opposed to regressing or skipping around.

 

I also found out that I'd been missing something in my side lever training, and that I need to regress that a bit, back to the over-arches. Apparently I wasn't arching enough and it weakened my obliques; when I went back to do it that night I couldn't complete them as prescribed and in fact burned myself out on them. Which is... satisfying? Like I'd been a little suspicious of how easy I'd found them to be, so finding out that I'd missed something made what I was doing make a lot more sense. Like finding weakness ahead of time. Is good.

 

Saturday, I got up and went to go do D&D. Game was good. My character's recovering from having run into the setting's equivalent of Akuma; he's about to set out on a Warrior's Journey a-la Street Fighter. Or something. Anyway, the party's getting ready to engage in some constructive B&E to see what's going on with a ruler whom we suspect is under mind-control.

 

After that, I went home and found a bunch of messages from K-sensei essentially castigating me for missing class on Thursday night. I told him when I skipped that I'd done so because I had given my word when I saw the BJJ coach that I would come on Thursday to check this out. K-sensei proceeded to chew me out, saying that was a lame excuse, and I shouldn't have done that, and it was "my fault" and accusing me of not wanting to study karate anymore, but he couldn't blame me for wanting to study more stuff because I was wasting $100/month to study "goofy knife shit." He said I needed to really learn to assert myself and get good at something because I'm getting older and I won't want to go as hard when I'm in my forties, and that I shouldn't be one of those people who's done 10 different martial arts and wasn't an expert in anything.

 

So, I did something that I don't think any of you have seen me to do no matter how exasperated or frustrated we get with one another: I lost my temper.

 

Here's what I told him:

 

Spoiler

Well, gosh. I'm sorry that you've misunderstood this. I thought the ten years I've invested training under you would be enough social capital for you to be okay with me going off to check out something different on a one-off. If I'd know this would freak you out so much, I wouldn't have given my word in the first place.

 

As to why I did? It wasn't some lame thing. I did it because when I ran into him on Sunday night, I felt like I had to do so to show that there wasn't any bad blood in terms of our program there getting replaced with his. So yeah, I guess I'm at fault for trying to be a good guy. Sue me.

 

You want me to learn to assert myself? Okay. I'm doing something Tuesday night for that publicist company I'm trying to help get off the ground. I have to actually train someone on how to do something, that was the only night he could give me, and I think it's more important for me to be there. So I will not make it that night. See what a good student I am?

 

And for the record, sir, I'm a damn good karateka. Every person I ever spar with freaks out over how good my movement is, whether it's boxers or judoka or BJJka or even the Krav folk I've had run-ins with. The only person I now who seems to think I'm not enough is you. For fuck's sake. I know people who train for five or six years and get cleared to teach and to take responsibility, and you'll barely let me hold pads for [Student] whenever he comes around. You say it'll be 2-3 more years before you're comfy with me testing, but we both know that 3.5 years from now, there still going to be this One Thing, some way I hold my offhand or a narrowness in my stance or somefuckingthing or other and because I wasn't absolutely perfect, I won't be enough.

 

You and I both know that I'm never going to be good enough for you, so don't be surprised if I decide I want to try something different. Again, I'm sorry that it came on one of your nights. I'm sorry for this whole fucking month. I've been running myself ragged trying to make everyone happy, and boy if that hasn't just blown up in my face.

 

But if 10 fucking years isn't enough to prove to you who I am, then frankly I don't know what to tell you.

 

If you don't want to read the spoiler, basically I got mad and called him out on his toxic perfectionism.

 

I haven't heard anything back from him yet. I don't know what's going on, but it feels like I've broken something in the teacher-student relationship. Justifiably so, but broken nevertheless. I don't know where it goes from here. I don't know if I want to go back. I don't know if he'd have me come back. I don't know where else I'd go where I could continue to practice. It's not about having a blackbelt - I don't care; my caring for it has been ground out of me. But what I do - my movement, how I think about things - isn't terribly common in teaching around here and I don't know where else I'd go.

 

Just. I dunno.

 

Sunday rolled around. I got up early enough in the morning to be convinced that I need to be a morning person. I did my upper body work, and got more detailed in my notes so that I know where I'm failing out on reps so I can track progress. Brother's game didn't stream again today, but in an exciting turn it looks like he's been tapped to DM for the game that he was originally playing. Poor guy; he never seems to get the chance to play, but he seems to be excited about this opportunity and I hope it turns out well for him.

 

Boxing happened; we focused on tie-ups and in-fighting. BJJ afterward was pretty solid; we had people showing up and asking questions which is a good sign for the dojo as a whole. Went over scissor and pendulum sweeps, and managed to armbar myself in practice (be careful, y'all, I have the deadly). But I also managed to use the sweeps in randori. Also, our entrance work was great; it turns out that the BJJ coach is a highly-ranked judoka, so that informs his rolling. So the BJJ helps the judo helps the karate helps the boxing, and the Kali helps by giving me an eye toward seeing how it all connects.

 

Anyway. I got to bed earlier, but still relatively late. Today's a rest day and there will probably be gaming. Goal is to get down to bed early enough tonight to be up early tomorrow so I can get S&S and skipping rope in.

 

But, uh, yeah. I need a weekend from my weekend.

[Urgan]

12 minutes ago, Kishi said:

Manong wants me all in because he wants to expand his method of teaching kali and wants me to get to teaching. K-sensei wants me all in due to time invested and a desire to make me an expert in something before I'm too old to make something of myself. J-sensei, man, I dunno what he wants, but judo is a cult and once you're on the mats it's expected that you sacrifice your firstborn on an altar to Kano-o-sensei (who will not approve of it). The only two coaches I study under now who are willing to let things be would be the boxing coach and the BJJ coach.

 

It's... cultural systemic stuff. They learned to think the way they do, so they bring that with them in everything they do. They don't mean to, but that doesn't make what they do right.

 

12 minutes ago, Kishi said:

After that, I went home and found a bunch of messages from K-sensei essentially castigating me for missing class on Thursday night. I told him when I skipped that I'd done so because I had given my word when I saw the BJJ coach that I would come on Thursday to check this out. K-sensei proceeded to chew me out, saying that was a lame excuse, and I shouldn't have done that, and it was "my fault" and accusing me of not wanting to study karate anymore, but he couldn't blame me for wanting to study more stuff because I was wasting $100/month to study "goofy knife shit." He said I needed to really learn to assert myself and get good at something because I'm getting older and I won't want to go as hard when I'm in my forties, and that I shouldn't be one of those people who's done 10 different martial arts and wasn't an expert in anything.

 

...bulls-eye. Just. Painfully.

 

And...he didn't. Oh no, he just didn't. 

 

13 minutes ago, Kishi said:

I haven't heard anything back from him yet. I don't know what's going on, but it feels like I've broken something in the teacher-student relationship. Justifiably so, but broken nevertheless. I don't know where it goes from here. I don't know if I want to go back. I don't know if he'd have me come back. I don't know where else I'd go where I could continue to practice. It's not about having a blackbelt - I don't care; my caring for it has been ground out of me. But what I do - my movement, how I think about things - isn't terribly common in teaching around here and I don't know where else I'd go.

 

YOU'VE broken the relationship. Huh. Well ain't that a kick in the head.

 

I'm going to out on yet another limb (I could set up a shingle there...) and say this relationship was rotten a while back and you were dragged to the brink by the combined shenanigans of everyone else and forced to take the bandage off. We joke about Waifu, but I think there is actually something legit about how K-Sensei interacts with other humans re:martial arts that needs to be set back on its heels just like you did. I don't think you need to go anywhere. You punched in a way his manipulative (I mean, emotional blackmail much?) self wasn't expecting, no doubt. If he's an individual you want to be training under right now, he'll think about it, get back to you proper, and act like a grown man. Any other way and well, you've got quite a lot to do in the meantime. That is a lot of years to cut a thing off, I couldn't suggest proactively doing so unless that's what your heart is telling you when there's an opportunity for reconciliation with better terms at hand, but really it's all down to how he reacts. Blend, and wait. Out of your hands for now, man, don't you think?

[sarakingdom]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

If you don't want to read the spoiler, basically I got mad and called him out on his toxic perfectionism. 

 

I did read it, and you're totally right. And, honestly, the way this dude treats Waifu was clue enough that he was toxic about his martial arts, and is probably cruising for a divorce.

 

42 minutes ago, Urgan said:

And...he didn't. Oh no, he just didn't. 

 

Right? When you have one student... how stupid can you be?

 

Seriously, though, you may love to train with him, but as a person, he's no loss to you. Nothing I've seen about him looks like he's a particularly good person. Sure, his karate is good, but what's the cost of spending so much of your life with a person like that? Character counts, too.

 

42 minutes ago, Urgan said:

We joke about Waifu, but I think there is actually something legit about how K-Sensei interacts with other humans re:martial arts that needs to be set back on its heels just like you did.

 

Honestly, I don't joke about Waifu. I get how she's super frustrating in class, but I think she's tragic. I've seen a lot - a lot - of wives and girlfriends who are unwillingly participating in their partner's obsession for the sake of the relationship and just miserable at it being taken for granted that they will give and give, and I can't get over the self-centeredness it takes for their partners to expect their wives to devote the time they have after taking care of the family and the house to servicing someone else's interests. It's a bad marriage. Straight up, it's a picture of a bad marriage. It's not funny, and of course the dude is toxically entitled.

 

Be kind to her, Kishi. You just train with the guy. She lives with him and deals with a marriage that's already fundamentally broken.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, Kishi said:

I've broken something in the teacher-student relationship.

He broke the realationship a long time ago. You just finally stood up for yourself. I say no matter how he reacts, don't go back to him. It's past time you found yourself a new teacher. And I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself.

[Renate]

This is one wholesome thread. Thanks for not holding this conversation in private, guys. It made my day seeing all this support and back and forth. 

 

I got out of lurker mode to say this because it is getting weird how hard I am hitting the like buttons, yet staying silent.

[Urgan]

12 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

Right? When you have one student... how stupid can you be?

 

Talk about sawing off the last limb of the tree holding him up.

 

12 minutes ago, sarakingdom said:

Honestly, I don't joke about Waifu. I get how she's super frustrating in class, but I think she's tragic. I've seen a lot - a lot - of wives and girlfriends who are unwillingly participating in their partner's obsession for the sake of the relationship and just miserable at it being taken for granted that they will give and give, and I can't get over the self-centeredness it takes for their partners to expect their wives to devote the time they have after taking care of the family and the house to servicing someone else's interests. It's a bad marriage. Straight up, it's a picture of a bad marriage. It's not funny, and of course the dude is toxically entitled.

 

Whoa. That was the whole point of mentioning her at all--this casts her situation in a new light when there was a great deal of grey area previously. It's readily apparent now that this catch-22 of dysfunction is not simply her being unable to say "no" in a clear voice and him just obliviously proceeding as if silence is consent--no doubt there is a large measure of arm-twisting exactly like the above going on behind closed doors. Which, however boneheaded you may think it makes me, I did not consider until just now as I was typing out my thoughts. I at least did not imagine it was as nakedly exploitative as Kishi detailed. She's probably completely miserable and feels trapped.

[sarakingdom]

1 hour ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

He broke the realationship a long time ago. You just finally stood up for yourself. I say no matter how he reacts, don't go back to him. It's past time you found yourself a new teacher. And I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself.

 

All of this. If he's the only karate teacher for you, fair enough, but otherwise don't go back. There's this issue in martial arts culture where "dedication" becomes the way teachers walk all over their students and students learn not to spot mistreatment, because that sort of submission to their teacher's interests is treated like a traditional virtue to be aspired to, while overlooking that the teachers are by and large Western dudes who just aren't so steeped in that culture that the social contract is going to be intact. And this dude, man.

 

59 minutes ago, Urgan said:

Talk about sawing off the last limb of the tree holding him up. 

 

Honestly, having just one student has always been a red flag for me. There's something very wrong with a teacher who can't keep a few students, and it's not that he's too hardcore for the lame posers. It's like the line about "if you meet an asshole in the morning, he's the asshole, but if you meet assholes all day...".  This guy is the teacher who's meeting bad students all day, and that really makes it look like the problem is not with them. I've always kinda worried about Kishi there, because it doesn't look healthy from the outside, even before the Waifu stuff, which sort of compounds the problem.

 

1 hour ago, Urgan said:

It's readily apparent now that this catch-22 of dysfunction is not simply her being unable to say "no" in a clear voice and him just obliviously proceeding as if silence is consent--no doubt there is a large measure of arm-twisting exactly like the above going on behind closed doors. Which, however boneheaded you may think it makes me, I did not consider until just now as I was typing out my thoughts. I at least did not imagine it was as nakedly exploitative as Kishi detailed. She's probably completely miserable and feels trapped. 

 

Yeah, there are guys who do that to their wives naively or out of lack of social skills, and their wives just don't have the heart to kick an enthusiastic puppy. But combined with the total lack of students other than Kishi and his wife, that's not what this has quite looked like to me. This looks like a dude who wants disciples and can't get them on his own merits, so hangs on very, very tightly to the people he's got. I've never doubted there's a lot of arm-twisting and guilting going on, and she's got major concerns about the health or viability of her marriage if she doesn't do it. Every description of her sounds like a totally miserable woman in a bad relationship with a really self-centered guy.

[Kishi]

2 hours ago, Urgan said:

I'm going to out on yet another limb (I could set up a shingle there...) and say this relationship was rotten a while back and you were dragged to the brink by the combined shenanigans of everyone else and forced to take the bandage off. We joke about Waifu, but I think there is actually something legit about how K-Sensei interacts with other humans re:martial arts that needs to be set back on its heels just like you did. I don't think you need to go anywhere. You punched in a way his manipulative (I mean, emotional blackmail much?) self wasn't expecting, no doubt. If he's an individual you want to be training under right now, he'll think about it, get back to you proper, and act like a grown man. Any other way and well, you've got quite a lot to do in the meantime. That is a lot of years to cut a thing off, I couldn't suggest proactively doing so unless that's what your heart is telling you when there's an opportunity for reconciliation with better terms at hand, but really it's all down to how he reacts. Blend, and wait. Out of your hands for now, man, don't you think?

 

2 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

He broke the realationship a long time ago. You just finally stood up for yourself. I say no matter how he reacts, don't go back to him. It's past time you found yourself a new teacher. And I'm really proud of you for sticking up for yourself.

 

You're both probably right that there's been something wrong for a while. I dunno, I guess I just got used to it as the way things are.

 

Anyway, for all that I've been talking on Messenger today I still haven't seen that he's responded yet. So I dunno. Gotta be careful about this, because he and I also work together in the same building, so if this is a break up then it needs to be... managed.

 

I'm looking at other schools in the neighborhood since I don't want to just give up Karate, and it looks like there are some kyokushin schools that have sprung up around here since I looked last. I like the look of this one. It's... harder, physically, and it loans itself to a lot of infighting, not long-range or shifty type stuff like what I'm used to, but if this is a martial break, then I'm confident that the boxing practice could keep me sharp on that.

 

The alternative is the Krav school that we went and did blade work with. They'd probably let me keep my kickboxing and I'd probably get a purer sort of practice than I have before... but I'd also have to confront a lot of my own toxicities re: RBSD systems and I've heard some mixed reviews about how they comport themselves there. So. I dunno.

 

2 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

I did read it, and you're totally right. And, honestly, the way this dude treats Waifu was clue enough that he was toxic about his martial arts, and is probably cruising for a divorce.

...

Be kind to her, Kishi. You just train with the guy. She lives with him and deals with a marriage that's already fundamentally broken.

 

Yeah. There's probably a lot of emotional arm-twisting going on in the background there.

 

I do try to be kind to her. I've not been as much as I could be, and I probably need to be better to her than I have been. I will be, if it works out and I wind up staying.

 

2 hours ago, analoggirl said:

This is one wholesome thread. Thanks for not holding this conversation in private, guys. It made my day seeing all this support and back and forth. 

 

I got out of lurker mode to say this because it is getting weird how hard I am hitting the like buttons, yet staying silent.

 

Thanks! I don't like to keep things behind closed doors, but I have a tendency to overshare as a result. But yeah. This is a good community, and we can be here for each other. I'm glad you got to see something of what we do around here.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

2 hours ago, Kishi said:

It's... harder, physically, and it loans itself to a lot of infighting, not long-range or shifty type stuff like what I'm used to, but if this is a martial break, then I'm confident that the boxing practice could keep me sharp on that.

 

One way to think about going somewhere else is that it would get you to look at things in a different way, it might help you shore up some weaknesses you have, and probably correct some of K-Sensei's weaknesses he taught into you.

[sarakingdom]

7 hours ago, Kishi said:

before I'm too old to make something of myself.

 

Sorry, I keep coming back to this. I just can't work out what he's thinking. There's not a ton of upward mobility in the martial arts world, you know? What exactly is he hoping you'll make of yourself? That you'll blow away the MMA world and be crowned the karate king? That there's a Chuck Norris-shaped hole waiting for you? Or maybe that you're gonna really live the dream and have a dojo consisting of a single student and a reluctant, cranky waifu of your very own? What on earth does he consider "making something of yourself"?

 

Cuz I'm gonna put this out there, but I think you've got the martial arts pretty well covered, and maybe you'd be doing more to make something of yourself if you focus on buying a house and getting married and being well-respected by your peers in the martial arts community before your 40s, and focus less on this loner's dreams of some sort of second-hand glory. (Does he want you to cure cancer with the power of your karate? What kind of glory even is there? I don't get it.)

[Urgan]

2 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

 

Sorry, I keep coming back to this. I just can't work out what he's thinking. There's not a ton of upward mobility in the martial arts world, you know? What exactly is he hoping you'll make of yourself? That you'll blow away the MMA world and be crowned the karate king? That there's a Chuck Norris-shaped hole waiting for you? Or maybe that you're gonna really live the dream and have a dojo consisting of a single student and a reluctant, cranky waifu of your very own? What on earth does he consider "making something of yourself"?

 

Cuz I'm gonna put this out there, but I think you've got the martial arts pretty well covered, and maybe you'd be doing more to make something of yourself if you focus on buying a house and getting married and being well-respected by your peers in the martial arts community before your 40s, and focus less on this loner's dreams of some sort of second-hand glory. (Does he want you to cure cancer with the power of your karate? What kind of glory even is there? I don't get it.)

 

Anti-non-karate bias wrapped up in the robes of self righteous puffery? 

 

Flailing casting-about for hooks into Kishi's emotions like a drowning man ready to sink others in his fit of panic?

 

Por que no los dos? 

 

It's worth forgiving him, makes working with him at actual Work later easier irrespective of whether you return to train with him. Sad he feels like resorting to this stuff is all he's got and he senses, rightly or wrongly, that he stands to lose even more. Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. Plus it's a demonstration that having it out with the man the right way is worth it.

[ReturnOfTheDad]

Wow, just getting caught up on all this. Man, I am so sorry to hear you have had all this drama. I’ve been training on and off for about 30 years and unfortunately have found myself caught up in similar situations a few times. You are right to stand up for yourself and it sounds like you have a healthy perspective on what the martial arts are. 

 

I know for me it came to a point where I needed a reality check. I have had a chance to train with and train law enforcement, military, and private security, and the funny thing is that people who do this for a living DONT USE MARTIAL ARTS ON A DAILY BASIS, and if they do they typically come out of real life dangerous situations much better if they have been doing a sport martial art that has trained them in a more contemporary sport/fitness and occupationally focused environment. That’s just real stories from friends and family that have been confronted with real violence for their job, which was nothing like what any of my ‘sensei’s had tried to sell me. That was a tough pill for me to swallow, because I had invested a lot of time and energy with teachers just like your sensei. 

 

The next check for for me was why was I doing it? The toxic senseis actively avoided competitions so there was never an objective measure other than what they deemed was “good enough”, which to feed their own self image was never enough. So it became about pleasing them, which just added fuel to a very unhealthy fire. Long story short, those teachers that really cared about students typically had quite a few because it was about attraction rather than promotion. People felt like they didn’t just become better martial artists, but better people under their instruction.

 

Finally it came down to my enjoyement of it. I do martial arts because I enjoy them and the people I do them with. I am a grown person with a job, friends, family, and responsibilities. I live in a safe area and take precautions to keep myself and my family safe, so really I do martial arts because it is something that enriches my life through physical exercise, mental sharpening, enjoyable social interaction, and emotional mindfulness. Consequently (when I can) I do Kali because it’s great for dexterity and not bad to know my way around a blade, I do boxing because it’s a great workout and it instills good timing, and mental fortitude of  hitting and getting hit at close range, and I do grappling because it gives me much healthier body movement, muscular endurance and I LOVE the people and team/competition environment. I know some people that  do just one of those and some people who get a lot out of tai chi, aikido, karate, etc. that live satisfying and happy lives. Some are very talented and well recognized for their arts, but it doesn’t take over their lives the way your sensei is pushing for.

 

It is so unfortunate that some teachers get so tied up in their own reality of whatever visions of martial art grandeur that they imagine for themselves that they abuse talented and loyal students. I have yet to see a teacher like your sensei end up anywhere but divorced, alone, and ultimately working a day job that has absolutely nothing to do with martial arts. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it over and over again. Reality always wins.

 

I think this experience is going to make you an even better teacher yourself one day. It looks like your Manong already sees that in you and these other Coaches do too. When it comes down to it, I’m sure the right art(s) and schedule with much more positive and caring people will fall into place for you. It is rough feeling though to have your sensei act like that, but the upside is that as a person it sounds like he’s taught you all he can and there are other teachers and coaches in your life ready to take you further in your path.

 

On the arts you mentioned kyokushin at a good school is LEGIT. If I could still do kickboxing (herniated L4 & L5) that would be top of my list. Effective and traditional, got to love it. I have also run the RBSD and Krav circuit and unfortunately I have yet to find a decent school that wasn’t effective primarily because they supplemented heavily with Muay Thai and BJJ classes. Most RBSD schools are unfortunately more of the same of what you experienced with your current sensei. Between Kali, Kyokushin, Boxing, and BJJ (especially with coach who has a background in Judo) you have your bases well covered. For me, as life has progressed and schedules have changed, sometimes I focus on one art for a time then switch to another. These days it’s about living life for me and I find it much better when I surround myself with positive and supportive people like you and the fine folks here.

 

Hope this resolves for you soon and with a clear path to peace of mind my friend.

[Kishi]

14 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

One way to think about going somewhere else is that it would get you to look at things in a different way, it might help you shore up some weaknesses you have, and probably correct some of K-Sensei's weaknesses he taught into you.

 

Shoring up the game, yeah. I can jab cross and throw from far away, but my close game is garbage. Wouldn't be bad to learn how to do all that.

 

14 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Sorry, I keep coming back to this. I just can't work out what he's thinking. There's not a ton of upward mobility in the martial arts world, you know? What exactly is he hoping you'll make of yourself? That you'll blow away the MMA world and be crowned the karate king? That there's a Chuck Norris-shaped hole waiting for you? Or maybe that you're gonna really live the dream and have a dojo consisting of a single student and a reluctant, cranky waifu of your very own? What on earth does he consider "making something of yourself"?

 

Well, his exact words were, "you can do more than one martial art, but for godsake pick one and get good at it. You aren't going to want to go hard when you're 40 and the class ceiling gets lower for you."

 

I might have been reading more into it than I should have given my emotions around it, but the endgame as he sees it is a little difficult to articulate. The best way I know to describe it is to say that he wants me to be the kind of fighter who has a "game," that is, someone who has strong technique and understands how to manufacture the circumstances of a given bout to get myself to the point where I can execute those techniques.

 

So, like. It's not enough to just have a strong right cross. Because you can throw it, and it can get blocked pretty easy, because it's just one punch. So you learn to throw it in combination and get a half-beat or so ahead of the other guy. You don't worry about throwing fast because very often that leads to cutting off one technique to rush to the next - cutting off the jab to get to the cross - but you do worry about throwing hard and having something to go to next, and having an endpoint in mind. So, I'm not going to throw a hard cross - I'm going to throw jab-cross-roundhouse-cross, hopefully in a pattern of high-low-high-low to get ahead of the defense and land that one solid shot. All the other things leading to that cross are supplemental; they're good if they land, but they're not ends in and of themselves.

 

And you know, the concurrent understanding of body mechanics and presenting a look to the opponent to bait a certain response, etc. etc.

 

So it's this very... heavily idealized version of what a Shotokan karateka is supposed to look like when he throws down in the real world.

 

14 hours ago, sarakingdom said:

Cuz I'm gonna put this out there, but I think you've got the martial arts pretty well covered, and maybe you'd be doing more to make something of yourself if you focus on buying a house and getting married and being well-respected by your peers in the martial arts community before your 40s, and focus less on this loner's dreams of some sort of second-hand glory. (Does he want you to cure cancer with the power of your karate? What kind of glory even is there? I don't get it.)

 

I mean, I'm just gonna put out there that the only time I feel guilty for missing a class is when it's one of his. I've always thought it was because of the time investment, and while I do think that's part of it, I can't help but wonder if a large part of that is what he's been putting (probably all of) us through whenever this happens.

 

12 hours ago, Urgan said:

It's worth forgiving him, makes working with him at actual Work later easier irrespective of whether you return to train with him. Sad he feels like resorting to this stuff is all he's got and he senses, rightly or wrongly, that he stands to lose even more. Perhaps it's a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. Plus it's a demonstration that having it out with the man the right way is worth it.

 

Yeah, I mean. He's not toxic all the time. He's a genuinely witty, thoughtful man and he's taught me so much good. That's part of what makes this hard to navigate, because I truly am grateful to him. I wouldn't have the grown-up job I have now if it weren't for him keeping tabs on when it opened up, and I wouldn't be so effective in my arts if it wasn't for his training.

 

So, yeah. Like I said. This is something that has to be managed.

 

11 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

I know for me it came to a point where I needed a reality check. I have had a chance to train with and train law enforcement, military, and private security, and the funny thing is that people who do this for a living DONT USE MARTIAL ARTS ON A DAILY BASIS, and if they do they typically come out of real life dangerous situations much better if they have been doing a sport martial art that has trained them in a more contemporary sport/fitness and occupationally focused environment. That’s just real stories from friends and family that have been confronted with real violence for their job, which was nothing like what any of my ‘sensei’s had tried to sell me. That was a tough pill for me to swallow, because I had invested a lot of time and energy with teachers just like your sensei. 

 

Yeah, man. It's like I keep telling people around here: train to live, don't live to train. There's life to live off the mats. Maybe it's time I took my own advice.

 

11 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

The next check for for me was why was I doing it? The toxic senseis actively avoided competitions so there was never an objective measure other than what they deemed was “good enough”, which to feed their own self image was never enough. So it became about pleasing them, which just added fuel to a very unhealthy fire. Long story short, those teachers that really cared about students typically had quite a few because it was about attraction rather than promotion. People felt like they didn’t just become better martial artists, but better people under their instruction.

 

Well, the reason that K-sensei doesn't engage in competition is because his interpretation of Shotokan looks more like K1 or kickboxing rather than the traditional. So it's not like we can just go out, sign up for tourney, and rub shoulders with the community.

 

FWIW, though, we used to do that kind of thing. There's a kajukenbo school over in Carborro that used to open itself up for throwdowns, so you'd see people from all kinds of backgrounds getting together to just beat on each other. We did that. We could make trouble for them. And we used to go to other schools to study with them and compare notes. But eventually we just kind of dropped out of contact with them, and I'm under the impression that some egos got in the way. I'm sure that the fact that we used to beat them pretty soundly didn't do us any favors - soft polite ego is still ego and all that.

 

But that doesn't change the fact that he's not a terribly attractive teacher, and I wonder now how much of that is tied to obscurity versus toxicity.

 

11 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

Finally it came down to my enjoyement of it. I do martial arts because I enjoy them and the people I do them with. I am a grown person with a job, friends, family, and responsibilities. I live in a safe area and take precautions to keep myself and my family safe, so really I do martial arts because it is something that enriches my life through physical exercise, mental sharpening, enjoyable social interaction, and emotional mindfulness. Consequently (when I can) I do Kali because it’s great for dexterity and not bad to know my way around a blade, I do boxing because it’s a great workout and it instills good timing, and mental fortitude of  hitting and getting hit at close range, and I do grappling because it gives me much healthier body movement, muscular endurance and I LOVE the people and team/competition environment. I know some people that  do just one of those and some people who get a lot out of tai chi, aikido, karate, etc. that live satisfying and happy lives. Some are very talented and well recognized for their arts, but it doesn’t take over their lives the way your sensei is pushing for.

 

Well, I do enjoy the training. K-sensei accused me of being "done" with karate. I don't feel that way at all, but I might be done with him, or with this obsession with it. At this point, it's down to refinement and habit, and whether I ever get a blackbelt or not, that's just how it's going to be.

 

11 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

It is so unfortunate that some teachers get so tied up in their own reality of whatever visions of martial art grandeur that they imagine for themselves that they abuse talented and loyal students. I have yet to see a teacher like your sensei end up anywhere but divorced, alone, and ultimately working a day job that has absolutely nothing to do with martial arts. Unfortunately, I’ve seen it over and over again. Reality always wins.

 

Yeah. Like. If the day ever comes that I teach - because, man, I genuinely think that'd be my best life - I'll never show belts. I'll never put my students in a gi or give them an obi unless it's for judo or BJJ. I'll just tell them it's kickboxing with an emphasis on range and countering, and be up front that it's going to take 10,000 quality repetitions for them to get good at just one part of it. I'm sure I'll bring my own problems to coaching if that ever happens, but they'll be mine. I won't treat people like that.

 

11 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

I think this experience is going to make you an even better teacher yourself one day. It looks like your Manong already sees that in you and these other Coaches do too. When it comes down to it, I’m sure the right art(s) and schedule with much more positive and caring people will fall into place for you. It is rough feeling though to have your sensei act like that, but the upside is that as a person it sounds like he’s taught you all he can and there are other teachers and coaches in your life ready to take you further in your path.

 

Yeah. It makes my heart heavy, but. I think that's probably true.

 

11 hours ago, ReturnOfTheDad said:

On the arts you mentioned kyokushin at a good school is LEGIT. If I could still do kickboxing (herniated L4 & L5) that would be top of my list. Effective and traditional, got to love it. I have also run the RBSD and Krav circuit and unfortunately I have yet to find a decent school that wasn’t effective primarily because they supplemented heavily with Muay Thai and BJJ classes. Most RBSD schools are unfortunately more of the same of what you experienced with your current sensei. Between Kali, Kyokushin, Boxing, and BJJ (especially with coach who has a background in Judo) you have your bases well covered. For me, as life has progressed and schedules have changed, sometimes I focus on one art for a time then switch to another. These days it’s about living life for me and I find it much better when I surround myself with positive and supportive people like you and the fine folks here.

 

Hope this resolves for you soon and with a clear path to peace of mind my friend.

 

Thanks! Fortunately, it looks like the dojo I'm looking at is open to the idea of me showing up and practicing the fighting and mechanical aspects as opposed to having to show up all the time. I'll want to communicate with the sensei there before I try to come out.

 

Otherwise, yeah, man. Life is better when you're surrounded by positive people. I'm glad you let us come around you and that you let us be a part of your life. I'm glad you and everyone else get to be a part of mine as well.

 

*

 

So, Monday. It was about as restful as I thought it'd be. We were actually down by most of our player base so we just focused on fleshing out characters and providing details about them. It wound up going late, but I didn't particularly care to assert myself.

 

I still got to bed earlier than I have in a while. Mixed results in terms of being up earlier - was awake early compared to normal, but was kind of dozy as opposed to getting up, getting dressed, and going off to do my terrible things. I figured rest and sleep were the better option, so I didn't come down on myself for that, but realistically that's going to complicate things tonight in terms of what I do. I got the publicist thing to go teach at 19:00 and I'll be getting some "early dinner" there. The plan from there is to teach, eat, then get back to Raleigh and hit up the gym for S&S and skipping rope. I'm planning to hit the heavy bag some too, although I'm not meaning to go so much that I'm still there when the gym closes at 23:00. That opens me back up to the vicious cycle, and I can't say that interests me terribly. So.

 

Let's get it.