Depression

[Leimanu]

Thanks for sharing.  You're not hijacking - that's what this thread is for.  All the thoughts and feelings you have are familiar.  In fact, that was me last week, but instead throw in unemployment instead of hating your job.   I was saying all of the exact same things, hating myself, and in a big hole of regret.

 

I'd like you to find some immediate help now.  The thoughts are hitting you pretty hard.  It's the depression talking and telling you that you're crazy and people are abandoning you.  I've heard good things about the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 1 (800) 273-8255  I almost called it last week.  They're trained, caring listeners.  It'd be like this thread, but a voice-conversation  The people in our lives may not understand depression, or may be stressed themselves, so it's helpful to talk to someone who's trained in depression.  Seriously, you deserve to get some help right now.  You deserve it and you're worth it.

 

Give yourself a few days or a week to let the harsh emotions subside.  The holidays may be exasperating this, including the stress of those around you.  When you can think clearer, then you can make a plan.  Therapist, meds, being honest, future work plans, education, eating patterns. There's lots of ways to feel more involved in your own life. 

 

Keep us updated.

[kaelvan]

Don't worry sir. I thought I was being the depressing one in this forum. Go ahead and vent. A lot of us have dealt and/or dealing with the same feelings/issues.

 

Sometimes your depression can really show you who your real friends are.

 

Do use suicide hotline if you start feeling even worst.

 

Also, recently found out about this website

http://blahtherapy.com/

(yet to use it). You have the option of talking to a therapist or just random stranger.

[iRyan2015]

I'm sorry for hijacking this happy thing going on. And I'm sorry for being such a sad sack. But things aren't going well. I don't want to get into a lot of detail, but I feel like my best friend might not be my best friend anymore here pretty soon, I'm hating myself more and more lately, and my smile at work and around my family is becoming more and more fake. I know how awful it is for me to say that, but I don't know what to do these days. I'm scared and I feel like all my friends are abandoning me, and I know feeling like that is a common characteristic of borderline personality disorder, so I keep trying to tell myself it's just the depression talking, or what have you, but pretending I'm okay is getting very difficult. I can't do it anymore. Even doing the bare minimum of what I'm supposed to do at work is frustrating and exhausting. I feel like I'm screwing up left and right, and on top of that I feel stuck. I don't hate my job necessarily, but I don't want to work there forever, but due to various circumstances I can't just up and leave right now, and I can't find a job that pays better that doesn't require a college degree, which I don't have at the moment.

 

I just had to say that.

I'm glad you said that because my actions years ago cost me many close friends, and I lost my best friend when I was most miserable. This $hit happened YEARS ago and it still bothers me whenever I see him. Seriously, I asked him for advice on something I had no skill in- meeting people, socializing, and dating and made me feel miserable at whenever I failed (I failed a lot, too). I too was on the verge of calling that hotline. Let me just paraphrase what he told me- 'You don't need to call that number because even the people there will reject you. Just go and end it man'. Seriously who the f*ck says that in any situation?

I've improved over the years surely, and now he is coming to me doing the exact same thing I did with him with regards to advice on meeting people, socializing, and dating. I swear it's dejavu and I am trying so hard right now NOT to repeat what he told me that night. It would be a lie if I said that because I DON'T want him to do that. I'd say it purely for spite. I choose not to because I don't want to become that kind of man. I don't even know if that's depression at that point, but something else because I do want to help him out, but he puts in no effort to what I am showing him. Maybe the entire scenario is just depressing to me.

To leave with a good note that made me feel like a human being for the first time in a while- a coworker of mine, whom served in the Navy and is now in his early 80's, told me that I would go far in life. Depression= dead after hearing such words from a man like him. If we all could hear words like that once in a while, I believe this topic of depression wouldn't exist.

[kaelvan]

My so called "friend" and as well as, my ex told me to just kill myself.

[MichiruSedai]

Wow... reading this and realizing I'm not the only one in my current situation.

 

Basically over the last two years since my marriage ended, I made an entirely new circle of friends, and have lost almost all of it.   People just get sick of dealing with my depression I guess. It is very frustrating because my default is to put on the happy face, be social and fun with people, and then they express they are hurt that I don't "share" or talk about how I am "really feeling".  Then when I do... I get silence or told to not be so negative.  Then people stop getting together... the texts/calls stop... and yeah. Crickets.

 

I've decided to give up on being social for the next year and just focus on me.   Not sure how much my psychologist will like this since she pushes me to do social things outside work/family once or twice a week - but seriously in the last two years a lot of my stress and self-loathing has come from socialing and related things.   I think stepping back and just focusing on becoming healthier is more important right now and will be less detrimental to my mental health.  Not to say I won't do ANYTHING social for a year - I have a few folks who have stuck by me and I will nuture those bonds - but I'm not going to be the social butterfly I've tried being.

 

*hugs* to all who need them.... depression sucks big time but it is good having a forum to talk to others who know what it's like.

[kaelvan]

I kinda want to find friends in RL, but I don't want to deal with all bs I bring.

[Leimanu]

What's RL?  Real Life?

[MichiruSedai]

Yeah, RL = Real Life

[hblyne]

Hi folks. Thought I'd check in on this thread. It's been a really, really hard few years for me. I've struggled with depression all my life really, tried all sorts of things to tackle it but never really been happy. I had counselling after finding out that my husband had been cheating on me and my counsellor asked me the last time I'd felt 10 on a scale of happiness where 10 is the gleefully happy without a are in the world. I couldn't think of a single moment in my entire life when I had been that happy. She asked me where I sit on that scale on a "good" day, I said 4. That's my baseline, that's an ordinary, goodish day. Sometimes I top out at a 7, but I ALWAYS have doubts, worries and unhappy memories niggling at me. Many days I don't even get up to 4.

 

I've lost friends along the way who get sick of my negativity, and some that I have discarded because I can't stand their happy, clappy, hippy, dippy positivity. For some of us life isn't all sunshine and roses, and no amount of telling ourselves that it is will make it true.

 

I have found in the past that working out helps, all those lovely endorphins. But not always and I find it extremely hard to stick to good habits. I give in to comfort eating too often and get discouraged by lack of measurable progress. That's why I'm here, trying again to commit to better lifestyle choices, and seeking the support of fellow nerds.

[Jakkals]

. I couldn't think of a single moment in my entire life when I had been that happy. 

 

The psychologist didn't believe me when I told her I cannot remember a single day in my life when I was happy. It is now 20 years later and I still cannot think of a single happy day. 

[Machete]

Happiness is such a relative construct, and I think people are boners to be subjecting everyone to the unrealistic standard of being in a constant state of "happiness" in our lives as a default setting (while being otherwise automatically means something is wrong).

 

 

Or maybe that's just me rationalizing a piece-of-shit existence.

 

I can't really remember or define happiness, but I'm pretty sure I got pretty damn close while watching Beverley Hills Ninja.

[hblyne]

Totally agree Machete. That's why I just don't buy it when people are sickeningly positive. I think they're probably living in denial.

[Suited hippy]

A few years ago some office friends and I were having a discussion about happiness.I was in a pretty good mental place then, and we were talking about how much of the time we would describe ourselves as happy. 

 

I went first, feeling pretty proud, and said that I figured I felt happy about 70% of the time. Thinking that was a normal to good level of happy for someone to have in their life.

 

They both looked at me with this sadness, like hearing that was the saddest part of their year. They said 90, and 95% respectively. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Should I be happy 95% of the time? Is that how everyone else feels? WTF I thought feeling good 70% of the time was kick ass!? 

 

Life got worse, then much worse...The happiness of 70% was something I dreamed of, having a week with 20% happiness became something to envy...

 

I still think about these two people.

[Candace Koller]

I remember the first time someone asked me if I was happy. I was a teenager and it was a classmate I never really talked to. I can't remember what I said to her but the real answer was no. It was something I had never really thought about oddly enough. I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember and the thought of whether or not I was happy just never occurred to me before that. I remember always feeling like everyone around me was miserable too and that it was just normal, so at the time I didn't actually consider being unhappy as not being happy if that makes any sense.

 

Things have been rough for me lately too. 70% seems an impossibility and 50% a dream but somewhere in my head I know that's just my depression talking. I can't say I know it will get better right now but I do hope it does. And the fact that I still have hope is a good sign I think.

[Artinum]

A few years ago some office friends and I were having a discussion about happiness.I was in a pretty good mental place then, and we were talking about how much of the time we would describe ourselves as happy. 

 

I went first, feeling pretty proud, and said that I figured I felt happy about 70% of the time. Thinking that was a normal to good level of happy for someone to have in their life.

 

They both looked at me with this sadness, like hearing that was the saddest part of their year. They said 90, and 95% respectively. That hit me like a ton of bricks. Should I be happy 95% of the time? Is that how everyone else feels? WTF I thought feeling good 70% of the time was kick ass!? 

 

Life got worse, then much worse...The happiness of 70% was something I dreamed of, having a week with 20% happiness became something to envy...

 

I still think about these two people.

 

70% sounds pretty good to me. Anyone feeling happy 90-95% of the time is on drugs.

I think you may have been looking at "happy" in different ways. Happiness is a temporary emotion caused by your life improving. What we normally feel is contentment. I suspect these two druggies were looking at "being happy" as "not being sad", and we are generally not sad very much unless we have some serious issues going on. Happy 70%, meh 20%, sad 10% sounds a lot more sensible to me.

[Gobnait]

I once had a screaming match with someone about my feelings about something.

 

The short of it from my perspective was that what I was feeling was wrong because the second party didn't have that feeling in a similar situation.

 

It devolved into a screaming match where I insisted that I couldn't believe that walking didn't hurt because it did hurt when I walked.  (I didn't provide them the x-rays of my plantar fasciaest, but it could've been something that didn't have physical proof.)

[Machete]

I remember the first time someone asked me if I was happy. I was a teenager and it was a classmate I never really talked to. I can't remember what I said to her but the real answer was no. It was something I had never really thought about oddly enough. I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember and the thought of whether or not I was happy just never occurred to me before that. I remember always feeling like everyone around me was miserable too and that it was just normal, so at the time I didn't actually consider being unhappy as not being happy if that makes any sense.

 

Things have been rough for me lately too. 70% seems an impossibility and 50% a dream but somewhere in my head I know that's just my depression talking. I can't say I know it will get better right now but I do hope it does. And the fact that I still have hope is a good sign I think.

 

I don't even know what happiness is. It has been a constantly-changing concept since the dawn of civilization. Overall contentment, I suppose, is a different story, and people apparently have a higher level of contentment in Mexico, where people are getting decapitated, than the US, where only a few people get decapitated. I think it's a sham that they have us believe and blindly chase around in order to keep society going. If everyone stops chasing it the economy would probably come to a halt. The ever-elusive and mysterious concept known as "happiness" could very well just be a carrot in front of our hamster wheel that keeps civilization running. Who knows?

 

Personally, whatever reason that keeps one breathing for another day is good enough for me. So what is happiness? Hookers and blow.

 

Anyway, here is a site made by people who are much smarter than I am who are attempting to make sense of the concept of happiness. I should probably get back on it.

 

70% sounds pretty good to me. Anyone feeling happy 90-95% of the time is on drugs.

I think you may have been looking at "happy" in different ways. Happiness is a temporary emotion caused by your life improving. What we normally feel is contentment. I suspect these two druggies were looking at "being happy" as "not being sad", and we are generally not sad very much unless we have some serious issues going on. Happy 70%, meh 20%, sad 10% sounds a lot more sensible to me.

 

[kaelvan]

I once hit someone after a failed attempt at explaining my feelings to them. Or was it few times? Oh shit. Yeah built up anger issues

[MichiruSedai]

Yeah.... I love being told my feelings are "wrong".   That's right up there with "just think positive!"

 

super crappy depression day today so I'm gonna go curl up in my soft blankies now.   at least I didn't overeat or turn to alcohol this time.   woo.

[hblyne]

Well, I'm feeling happy today  

 

It is a temporary emotion, just as all emotions are. They are fleeting. Grab hold of them, ride them out, like the weather. Enjoy the good ones and weather the less enjoyable ones. I won't call any emotion bad, I don't believe any emotion can be bad (or good for that matter), emotions are morally neutral, they just are. Experience them and appreciate them for what they are. Easy for me to say, on a happy day, I know that a couple of days ago I wouldn't have said this.

 

Hoping everyone here has lots of happy days to come xx

[Leimanu]

Well, I'm feeling happy today

 

It is a temporary emotion, just as all emotions are. They are fleeting. Grab hold of them, ride them out, like the weather. Enjoy the good ones and weather the less enjoyable ones. I won't call any emotion bad, I don't believe any emotion can be bad (or good for that matter), emotions are morally neutral, they just are. Experience them and appreciate them for what they are. Easy for me to say, on a happy day, I know that a couple of days ago I wouldn't have said this.

 

Hoping everyone here has lots of happy days to come xx

 

Yes, when I feel good, I grab hold and get things done because I n't know how long it'll last and I'll enjoys it while I gots it.

[MichiruSedai]

I feel like I've gotten good things done the last few days and that is a boost.  I'm also happy that tomorrow I get back to my normal routine with work and everything.   Being busy = yay!

[hblyne]

I've had a bump back down again today. Had rather unhelpful text from ex telling me not to worry about stuff that I can't control as it's just a waste of energy. NOT helpful! A gem from the mer-go-round.

 

[MichiruSedai]

That comic sums it up well.

[kaelvan]

Anyone have the problem of their parents still treating them like a stupid little teenage? And how do you deal with it?

 

My parents decided to freak out on me for talking to someone on Skype. I already can't leave my house for anything other than work (lucky the gym is next door) and college.

 

This might be why still have what is left of my depression.