zenLara's journey

[Lara]

10 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

Have you ever looked into the Wim Hof Method?

After all the work I've done these past years, it feels so silly to be like this now

 

2 hours ago, Mad Hatter said:

Geez I would die of heat if I wore that many layers. :/ I get super warm in a fleece and a thin sweater...

It's such a weird sensation, to be wearing all these clothes and still feel cold.

 

Yesterday night we had dinner with my boyfriend's parents, they wanted to celebrate the good news. They were a bit puzzled at me not eating like a horse as I usually do Then, boyfriend's mom was a bit weary with so many warnings about mine being a high-risk pregnancy because of my age. I know she's just worried and wants everything to be ok, but it was a bit too much for me, with all those comments about what should I eat and that I should have a very strict medical control and stop exercising. I tried to explain that I've talked about all of that with my doc and that she's not only fine with me exercising but she encouraged it as far as I feel fine. She still insisted on how old I am, and that it doesn't matter that my doctor said my health condition is a big asset here, this is a "high-risk pregnancy", ça me soule. Her sister, who is a nurse assistant at a maternity unit, was way more understanding and told me to just keep on with my life and not to worry.

 

Anyway, new week!

I woke up late once again, and now I'm short on time for everything, but I'll try to at least do some yoga and play my flute.

[Mad Hatter]

You should’ve retorted that her nagging is causing you more unhealthy stress and anxiety than any exercise!  

[deftona]

IIRC you're barely forty? And as far as you know, you're pretty healthy? 

 

I think she is causing you unnecessary worry. You don't need this kind of stress right now so ignore her and just keep doing your best  

[Owlet]

Late to the party here but oh my, you are pregnant?!  yaaaaaaaay so happy for you!!

[Lara]

On 11/18/2019 at 12:32 PM, Mad Hatter said:

You should’ve retorted that her nagging is causing you more unhealthy stress and anxiety than any exercise!  

 

On 11/18/2019 at 4:38 PM, deftona said:

I think she is causing you unnecessary worry. You don't need this kind of stress right now so ignore her and just keep doing your best  

 

My boyfriend and I talked about it and decided to talk to her next time. We both understand that she is so excited at the idea of being a grandma, and with the thrill also comes worry, but she will need to stop that kind of comments.

 

On the opposite side is my trainer. I talked to him yesterday (yes! I went to the gym) and he hugged me and seemed touched about the news. He said I can keep coming to any class without trouble, and that he would only stay away from jumps and some inversions, but considers that I should keep moving, and as much as possible. We talked about the age problem and he told me he has seen people older than me and with many health problems have children without any trouble, and also remarked that I am a quite fit person, mobile, flexible, with no chronic illnesses, etc. Summing up, he did the opposite that my mother-in-law did and also agreed with my boyfriend's aunt: it doesn't really matter that much what you do or not do, embryos stay or not stay there for reasons that are totally beyond your control, so enjoy life and don't worry.

 

Yesterday I had big success with handling my sugar levels, unlike monday when I had a quite bad afternoon, no matter how much I ate or  how I spaced my meals. I guess every day is different. Today I woke up too late (I sleep sooooo much) and had breakfast way too late for my needs, so it is probably going to be a harder day.

 

On 11/19/2019 at 12:05 AM, Owlet said:

Late to the party here but oh my, you are pregnant?!  yaaaaaaaay so happy for you!!

Thank you! To be honest we had despaired that it would ever happen, and now it wouldn't feel real if it weren't because my body is so messed up.

[Lara]

On 11/18/2019 at 4:38 PM, deftona said:

IIRC you're barely forty? And as far as you know, you're pretty healthy?

I forgot to answer this one. Yeah, no. I'm 43, and if everything goes as expected, the baby will be born when I'm almost 44. Not ideal. But I've decided to stop worrying about it and just go with the flow.

 

And by the way, I managed to spend my afternoon at work yesterday with one less layer of clothes. Success!

[Mad Hatter]

27 minutes ago, zenLara said:

But I've decided to stop worrying about it and just go with the flow.

Perfect.  So happy for you! And it's awesome your trainer is so supportive. 

[WhiteGhost]

15 hours ago, zenLara said:

it doesn't really matter that much what you do or not do, embryos stay or not stay there for reasons that are totally beyond your control, so enjoy life and don't worry.

Solid advice there!

 

15 hours ago, zenLara said:

 

And by the way, I managed to spend my afternoon at work yesterday with one less layer of clothes. Success!

Win!

[Owlet]

Ah this is so exciting, I'm so happy for you! I remember you talking about thinking you would never get pregnant so it's really nice to hear this news  Glad to hear your trainer is supportive too.

[Lara]

11 hours ago, Owlet said:

I remember you talking about thinking you would never get pregnant so it's really nice to hear this news

Thanks! It is clearly our last chance, to be honest. We're hoping for the best

 

Now, I'm quite anxious right now, and it feels shitty. Since I've been pregnant, I have reached some kind of zen state in which anxiety has disappeared. Every night, when I check on my feelings, there's nothing piling up there. Just feelings of wellbeing, or maybe neutral. So good that I've began to wonder if I'm doing the exercise right But today, we went to our first visit to the midwife, and it was AWFUL. I was prepared for some nagging about my age, but I wasn't prepared for the avalanche of criticism that fell over me. I came in, and her first question was: "do you want to go forward with your pregnancy?" Just like that. Then, she didn't do any of the things I thought she would do, like asking about meals, exercise, weight, checking blood pressure... Nope. What she did was to warn me about how many dangers await for me and the fetus, just because I'm so old. She explained me about how I should constantly check on fetal movement from week 20, every 4 hours, and that if it's not moving by then, it means it's probably dead. Also pulled out some statistics on Down syndrome and other types of chromosomal disorders and deformities to try to scare me with them. Gave me an appointment for a cytology because apparently cervix cancer is something I should worry about right now. In the middle of a pregnancy? I don't think I'm gonna let her play with my uterine neck while pregnant, sincerely. She also told us about taking the flu vaccine because if I get a flu the consequences might be terrible. But she didn't mention which were the consequences, apparently they were too awful to even mention them. All the time when she was warning me about all the dangers, it was like it was a death sentence or something. She didn't waste the opportunity to make my boyfriend feel guilty too. He smokes (3-4 cigarettes a day), and has been trying to quit for a while, and she told him all the awful things he is already doing to the kid through me, because I breath that same air (he has never ever smoked inside of the house, and never smokes by my side, pregnant or not), and what will he be doing to the kid when it's born. If it actually gets to being born, I guess she should have added, given the picture she painted of us as terrible terrible people. The only positive side is that she has accepted that I won't take the Sullivan test, and check my sugar levels at home with a glucometer, which to me seems a more civilised way to check sugar levels. She also seemed to be not listening, because she told me off for not having asked for a visit before, since I have missed the 8th week ultrasound. It apparently didn't matter that I showed her my medical report from the private clinic* that showed everything they had done, included the 8th week ultrasound.

 

*Until now, since we needed to go through an in vitro procedure, and it's not covered by social security, we were working with a private clinic, and the people there were awesome, but for the pregnancy itself and birth labor I'm back to my usual health care center.

 

 

Now, the good news is that while this is the midwife I got assigned by my health center (if this is the midwife, I can't even imagine how the doctor itself will be), in the case of a pregnancy, I'm allowed to request to be treated in any other hospital or health center, and it happens that a hospital near here (25-30 minutes by car) has one of the best maternity units in the country, so I'm going to ask to be referred there.

I mentioned this to the midwife, that I was thinking of moving things to this other place and she said "no worries, even if you ask to be referred there, you can still ask for me to be your midwife, you know?". Yeaaaah, suuuure, that's exactly what I was thinking.
 

This woman really got to me. I'm not an idiot, I know of all the risks, I have thought about them and weighed them, and I have made a decision. I'm ready to accept whatever will happen, and I have peace of mind. I don't need an asshole like this to come and try to scare me to death. I tried to keep my calm, but I still cried a bit when we were back to the car. My own thoughts and feelings about this pregnancy are all positive, and here it comes this lady telling me about stopping the pregnancy.

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

I'm so sorry you had such an awful midwife. I'm glad you already have plans to get someone else. That person needs to retire.

 

Listen, you come from a long line of people who have successfully given birth way back to before recorded history. It's in your blood to get through this. Remember, not a single one of your ancestors went without a viable pregnancy. 

[Jupiter]

That woman sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you were treated that way. :( 

 

[deftona]

Wow, the way the midwife spoke to you was absurd. I can understand why she feels the need to let you know of the risks with pregnancy, but only before you were actually pregnant. Making a huge deal of all the risks when you're actually pregnant is ridiculous, and it will only make you feel more anxious which can only be bad for the baby. 

 

You don't have to listen to this. Tell her you're done with her talking if she oversteps. She is paid to advise, therefore she might feel this is her job to tell you this stuff. But you are in no way obligated to listen. 

[Lara]

22 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I'm so sorry you had such an awful midwife. I'm glad you already have plans to get someone else. That person needs to retire.

 

Listen, you come from a long line of people who have successfully given birth way back to before recorded history. It's in your blood to get through this. Remember, not a single one of your ancestors went without a viable pregnancy. 

You would be surprised to see how young she was. I could have expected that from an old woman, but not from a barely thirty years old.

 

Thank you for your words. As I said, I have very positive thoughts and sensations about this, and even if the pregnancy weren't viable, or bad things happened, I think I could accept it even if it would be incredibly sad to go through.

But people trying to scare me and trying to make me feel guilty for carrying a child at my age are apparently going to be a problem, and I'm going to need to find ways to deal with them.

Yesterday evening, it happened again: I went to the gym, and the owner wasn't there (the owner is the supportive guy), but the other trainer. I thought I'd better tell her too, in case he hadn't mentioned it, and, here we go again! I should attend the mobility classes, but I should not attend the others, no abs work from now on, do your push-ups with knees on the floor, have you had any bleedings?, there is an extremely high risk for you to lose it during the first trimester... And so on. I wouldn't have cared that much for her words if it weren't because of what had already happened in the morning. Finally, arrived home at night and cried for a long while. It's like I've been living in this happiness bubble these weeks, and suddenly every person I talk about it tries to blow it out. No surprise, I have no intention to tell anybody else until it will become obvious.

 

20 hours ago, Jupiter said:

That woman sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you were treated that way.

 

Thank you, Jupiter. I hope I'll have better luck at the new place. And if not, at least I'm prepared.

 

18 hours ago, deftona said:

Wow, the way the midwife spoke to you was absurd. I can understand why she feels the need to let you know of the risks with pregnancy, but only before you were actually pregnant. Making a huge deal of all the risks when you're actually pregnant is ridiculous, and it will only make you feel more anxious which can only be bad for the baby. 

 

You don't have to listen to this. Tell her you're done with her talking if she oversteps. She is paid to advise, therefore she might feel this is her job to tell you this stuff. But you are in no way obligated to listen. 

Thank you, def.

My boyfriend thinks that part of the problem is that people don't probably inform themselves before they make decisions, and she founds herself in the situation of having to do it when people arrive to see her. But it was obvious, since the beginning of our conversation, that we were informed, and that we know of the dangers, and that we're ready to go forward no matter what.

The good part of it, I'd say it is that I was able to reply to her most of the times, that I kept my calm, and that I didn't doubt my decisions (as in: Sullivan test, at least the way is done here, is absurd, and no matter how many scary things you say about macrosomy, I'm not taking it (which doesn't mean I won't check sugar levels, of course)). Also, it helped that the moment we left (she had us there for almost an hour!), my boyfriend was the first to talk and his impression was even worse than mine. He couldn't believe how much had she tried to manipulate us into fear.

 

And well, new day! I think it did me good to cry it out last night. I'm feeling better today, more positive and re-centered. I'll probably save today to rest and recover, which probably will involve taking a long walk around the hills and some music playing.

[Lara]

One last thing about the midwife. I would have laughed at this part, if I weren't so angry/confused/anxious by then. I can see it now, though, it was quite fun: she was asking me about any chronic disease, medication, surgeries, pathologies running in my family... and I had nothing for her. She said it was impossible, that it couldn't be that my family had the perfect genetics. Well, it's not perfect genetics, I'm just saying that in my family, people die of old age, that's all. She seemed to take it personally and kept asking about things, until she exclaimed "ha! you're wearing glasses! what's the problem there, huh?" I said I'm short-sighted and she quickly took note of it in my file "risk of detached retina". Seriously?    

[deftona]

15 minutes ago, zenLara said:

One last thing about the midwife. I would have laughed at this part, if I weren't so angry/confused/anxious by then. I can see it now, though, it was quite fun: she was asking me about any chronic disease, medication, surgeries, pathologies running in my family... and I had nothing for her. She said it was impossible, that it couldn't be that my family had the perfect genetics. Well, it's not perfect genetics, I'm just saying that in my family, people die of old age, that's all. She seemed to take it personally and kept asking about things, until she exclaimed "ha! you're wearing glasses! what's the problem there, huh?" I said I'm short-sighted and she quickly took note of it in my file "risk of detached retina". Seriously?    

 

I think this woman has hugely misinterpreted the entire point of her job.

[WhiteGhost]

Oh good grief, just reading about this is giving me fits. I am so very glad that you were able to keep a level head through it all.   

[Lara]

2 hours ago, WhiteGhost said:

I am so very glad that you were able to keep a level head through it all

I think this is what I should keep from the experience

 

Now, time to talk to myself:

It's true that these past weeks have been a whirlwind, and that I have had to face several changes in my daily routines, but I think it's time to try to get some things in order. I have abandoned some of my daily actions, and have replaced them by mindless habits. I'd like to reorganise a bit my days, so I don't feel like I'm just being dragged through life.

This week I will:

- Get up a bit earlier.

- Limit internet time to 1 hour. I'm not going to say what should I do with the remaining free time, I can choose to do whatever I want to, just not more sitting in front of the laptop.

In the end, the goal is to make time for my life, whatever I want it to be.

[Lara]

Well, my plan worked. I had the most active day in ages yesterday.

I woke up only a bit earlier, 1/2 an hour or so, and after breakfast and some NF, I tidied up the bedroom. Then we went to the country and walked for a while, and afterwards we went buy some things we needed for lunch, and then played a bit my flute. Took a nap and then we went groceries shopping AND clothes shopping. You heard well: clothes shopping. After I put some weight this summer, I bought new summer clothes, but not winter ones, and I was struggling to fit into some of them. Now, my boyfriend was great and found me two winter coats that had a huge discount because there was only one left of each of them, and they were both my size. I also bought a couple of thermal long-sleeve t-shirts, to help with the sensation of cold.

 

I don't know how this week will go. Last one was tougher. The occasional nausea, a couple of moments a week, has increased to almost every day, and it stays for longer. I'm lucky that it's still of the type that disappears when I eat something, instead of making me refuse food, but on the opposite side I'm becoming quite picky with food, my choices starting to be more limited. My boyfriend made roasted broccoli, which I love, as a side for lunch yesterday, and the smell of it was enough to stop me from eating it. In fact, I couldn't even be in the kitchen. It's kind of fascinating how hormones can have such power over your food choices.

 

Today, I hope I'll do some yoga and play my flute (DONE!). I'm seeing BigGuy this weeekend, and I'm almost ready. Unlike my last visit, this time I'm playing pieces that I know very well, and I've focused a lot on freedom and playing beautifully, so I feel more confident. For the past 2 weeks I have even stopped any technique work, and I just warm up well and then play the pieces straight ahead, no stops, no corrections, focusing on the music and the quality of what I play. It seems to be working, because everyday I discover new ways to play a phrase or a type of vibrato I prefer here and there.

[Mad Hatter]

On 11/23/2019 at 1:34 PM, zenLara said:

She seemed to take it personally and kept asking about things, until she exclaimed "ha! you're wearing glasses! what's the problem there, huh?" I said I'm short-sighted and she quickly took note of it in my file "risk of detached retina".

Hahaha wow. I'm sorry you had to go through with that conversation, and that people are so unsupportive. People should really learn to mind their own business.

 

4 hours ago, zenLara said:

It's kind of fascinating how hormones can have such power over your food choices.

It really is. It makes sense on a macro level (e.g. sugar cravings) but it's kind of weird how super specific it can get!

 

3 hours ago, zenLara said:

Today, I hope I'll do some yoga and play my flute. I'm seeing BigGuy this weeekend, and I'm almost ready. Unlike my last visit, this time I'm playing pieces that I know very well, and I've focused a lot on freedom and playing beautifully, so I feel more confident. For the past 2 weeks I have even stopped any technique work, and I just warm up well and then play the pieces straight ahead, no stops, no corrections, focusing on the music and the quality of what I play. It seems to be working, because everyday I discover new ways to play a phrase or a type of vibrato I prefer here and there.

Love this, hope it goes well!

[WhiteGhost]

On 11/25/2019 at 5:46 PM, zenLara said:

I'm seeing BigGuy this weeekend, and I'm almost ready. Unlike my last visit, this time I'm playing pieces that I know very well, and I've focused a lot on freedom and playing beautifully, so I feel more confident. For the past 2 weeks I have even stopped any technique work, and I just warm up well and then play the pieces straight ahead, no stops, no corrections, focusing on the music and the quality of what I play. It seems to be working, because everyday I discover new ways to play a phrase or a type of vibrato I prefer here and there.

So excited to hear about how it went  

[Lara]

It did go well!

I was way calmer than expected when I began playing, but felt a bit "oh, oh" when BigGuy started to mention some problems that I've been working on for the past 2 years since the last time I visited him. He started to give me the same examples and asked for me to try the same exercises and I thought that my work wasn't showing, but everything was sounding good when I tried those so very known exercises, and in the end he said that I was playing really well, only that when I play "actual music" I want it to be easy and comfortable, and he said that then I should have chosen another instrument because that's not who the flute is.

He explained some acoustics concepts that I had never applied in that light, which was a really interesting subject, and then during the second class I asked him to help me with dynamics and we spent the class focusing on that. It was a very tough and tiring class, but I see things clearer now.

Also offered some help with the 3rd and 4th octave, and they sound much better after that.

While my feelings before I entered the first class were quite negative, such as "why am I even here", "I'm waisting my money", etc. and I was focusing on how bad I felt after my last visit, my experience this time has been good and useful, and so I've asked him to come back end january or february. Still got to confirm the dates, but it's on. I was a bit reluctant to come back so soon, because I told him I would be playing the first movement of the Uebayashi sonate for my next class, and I'm not sure I'll get to prepare it well in just 2 months, but on the other side, knowing that it has to be ready for that moment will help me to be more organised and disciplined with my practice.

[Owlet]

Such a good feeling when you think a lesson is going to go badly but instead it goes really well  Well done!

[WhiteGhost]

Great!  Sounds like a very productive (although challenging) lesson.   

[Lara]

Got a blood test today and the lady that took care of it was a very nice person, had only encouraging words about how things are going, and gave me some orientation on some things. I guess she did what the midwife should have done, or at least part of it. She got interested in my weight, and said is good that I have put barely no weight during the first trimester, because this gives me more room to get heavier in the following months without having to worry about it. Also pointed out that I'm having a very mild first trimester, since my sickness is only occasional and I haven't vomited even once. She told me about her own experience and it wasn't nice at all.

The blood test got a heavier toll on me than I could have expected and spent most of the morning sleeping and resting, but it's always nice to take a rest day.