Honesty Time

[unapologetic]

Hi, everyone! I just found this site a few days ago and have been lurking, learning as much as I can before being ready to start. I don't know if I'm ready to do this but I'm at a point where if I don't get started, I never will, so here it goes.

 

I've struggled with my weight my whole life. As a kid I never seemed to lose my baby fat like everyone else did. It didn't help that the things I liked to do were largely sedentary. I would rather curl up with a good book and some music than go outside. I remember one summer my parents refused to take me to the library anymore and said that if I wanted to go I had to get there on my own. That actually worked-that summer I biked to the library and back just about every day. Even the organized group activities I was in weren't physically active. I was the music geek in band and choir. And the academic geek on the math and debate teams. Yeah, I was super cool!

 

I was diagnosed with depression after a suicide attempt and episodes of self-harming when I was 16. While certainly not the only thing, my weight was definitely a factor in that. At 16 I was 5'5" and about 180 pounds. If only I knew then that I would kill to be at that weight again.

 

I'm 26 now. For the last 10 years, I've been dealing with barely-managed depression. After some trial and error with therapists and meds, I eventually stopped self-harming. The problem is I didn't replace it with a helping coping skill. Instead I started eating my feelings. When I was happy about something, I ate as a reward. When I was depressed, I ate to feel better. When I was angry I ate, when I was tired I ate, and I ate and I ate and I ate. And now I weigh 350 pounds.

 

The sad thing is I knew what I was doing to myself as I was doing it. I wasn't unaware as my jeans crept up from a size 16 to a size 26. But depression makes you not care. It makes you want a quick fix when you know deep down there isn't one. And it's so easy to say I'll start tomorrow.

 

Another factor in all of this is my personality. I'm the type that always puts others first. I've lost sleep and sacrificed the quality of relationships in an effort to help and protect the people I love, especially my younger sister. But she's 22 now and I can't keep fixing her life for her. And this isn't just in my personal life. I work at a cancer support center and it is so easy to get caught up in everyone else's problems and minimize my own, convince myself they don't matter. But obviously they do or I never would have gotten to this point in the first place.

 

So I'm going to be selfish. And I'm not going to apologize for it. For the first time in my life, I need to stop being so concerned about what other people think, stop sacrificing who I am, my opinions, and my passions in order to be more "neutral" and therefore more accepted. Stop feeling like I have to always have to put on my fake happy face because goodness knows, if I have the audacity to be fat I damn well better be jolly. I need to stop apologizing for thinking what I think and feeling what I feel.

 

So there it is. My honest reality. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all and getting some new ideas about food and fitness. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

[Ciara]

Hi there,

 

You sound a lot like me. I have been overweight my whole life and I've always been ashamed of that. Mental disorders take a toll on you that those without them don't understand. It's hard to put yourself before others. These are things I've had to deal with as well so I totally get where you're coming from. As a newbie myself, I think it's safe to say we both found a community where we can flourish and achieve what we want in life. 

 

Let's get stronger together! I'm here if you need a buddy  . 

[Stonie]

Your honesty is wonderful; and don't apologise for wanting to finally take care of yourself. It's one of the best ways of making sure you will be in the best condition to continue looking after people long into your life.

[unapologetic]

Thank you both! It's going to be a long road and it's great to have some friends and support. It was actually very cathartic to be so honest about where I've been and what I've become. Things I've thought for years but never said outloud. And it is so encouraging to know that I can be honest about the dark and broken parts of me and still find acceptance. So thank you. Thank you so much.

[TyrantLizard]

Just wanted to say welcome and huzzah for taking the chance on posting here! I bet you'll find people here who can relate to your story, and you're sure to find people here with similar goals. You'll also find people working toward all sorts of different goals, in all sorts of varied ways. I think we can all learn a lot from watching how other people approach their problems and challenges. Sometimes we might find a good idea to steal and sometimes we just gain an interesting perspective on how many different ways there are to be awesome and find success.

 

It's good that you're realizing it's okay to take care of yourself too. At the root of any positive change, I think, there has to be a belief that you're worth investing time and effort in, and a certainty that you deserve happiness. If you're going to change, try to change out of self-respect and love, not out of revulsion or guilt. 

 

 

Some of what you wrote is familiar to me. I've never had to deal with depression, but a few years ago I was 270 pounds and really unhealthy and unhappy about my body. Slowly and nerdily (many graphs and spreadsheets were involved, and much research was done), I lost over 90 pounds and went from a size 22-24 to a size 14. I run and climb and lift weights. I still struggle with emotional eating but it's a more self-aware struggle than ever before. None of us is ever done improving ourselves, but improvements are possible and very rewarding.

 

I'd love to follow along on your quest. Maybe you can start a battle log, or join the next 6-week challenge?

[unapologetic]

I definitely plan on joining the next 6 week challenge. I have my main goal already but I need some time to figure out little goals that would be achievable in 6 weeks. I'll figure it out though! Thanks!

[starsapart]

Book and music geek, huh?  You're my kind of person. 

 

The first few months are the hardest.  Once you really commit and get through the early stages, you'll find yourself eager for bigger and better things.

 

Working through a mental disorder is tough, so props to you for pushing through.  You'll make it!

[unapologetic]

Thanks for the encouragement! I've only been on this site for a day and I'm already feeling more motivated than I ever have to clean up my life and finally be the person on the outside that I know I am on the inside.

[starsapart]

The people here are pretty great!

[NicTheRugger]

You sound like my kind of person. Books and music? Where have you been, my long lost friend?

 

You can do it! I believe in you! =D

[unapologetic]

Thanks for the encouragement! Good luck on your journey!

[IronGlider]

Welcome to the forums unapologetic!

Just want to say that you're in a great mindset right now! Continue to read, inform yourself of what you need to know before you embark on your epic quest. Then plan your approach, we're here for you on seeing out the rest of it.

It definitely seems like we shared many similarities and some stages. But this powerful idea that you posted promising health and wellbeing, treasure and nurture it. Develop it and let it grow! I was 265lbs last October and suffered chronic asthma which always got in the way of my quality of life. I too thought it was hopeless at times, but then like you said you stop apologising and just 'do' and you'll have a great community to help see it through.

Hope for the best! ;-)

P.s. Now you've got 'It's too late to apologise' in my head... thanks! xD

[unapologetic]

Thanks! That's awesome you've had such great success. When I think about how far I have to go it can be overwhelming and paralyzing so I'm trying to just focus on one day at a time.

 

Thanks again!

[Lincarte]

Hi,

 

I am also going to chip in my two cents!

 

First of all, I admire your honesy and as Ironglider I belive that you have a sound and good mindset about this which is great!

 

A couple of years back I lost a lot of weight (around 130 pounds) and went from around to 310 to 180 lb (or since I use the metric system from 140 to 80 kg). So it can be done! And I know how far away that goal can seem at times. But don't let that discourage you! Yes, it is going to take a lot of time and effort, yes there are going to be back slides and road bumps along the way. Just make sure that for every step in the wrong direction there is it least two in the right one! 

 

I definitely plan on joining the next 6 week challenge. I have my main goal already but I need some time to figure out little goals that would be achievable in 6 weeks. I'll figure it out though! Thanks!

 

A very good suggestion for you first challenge(s) is to focus on habits. Try to avoid result oriented goals( Like "I am going to loose 20 lbs in x weeks), instead go for process goals ( "I will track what I eat 5 days a week" "I will take at least 3 30 minute walks a week"). This will help you build better habits and a better personal environment for success. It will also help you see step by step how to make "healthy" a part of your everyday life.

 

If you go for a process oriented approach the results will also come, so make sure that you do measure them and follow up on them. And the experiment with different approaches. But if you have 6 weeks where you exercise everyday and still loose 0 lbs(unlikley). do not be discouraged! Instead keep going and for the next challenge focus on the diet part whilst keeping your new built habit of exercise and you will see awesome progress!

 

I hope I make sense, if not, hammer me with questions =)

[unapologetic]

Wow, congratulations on your weight loss! That's great to see it is doable. Also, thank you for the suggestion about process goals. I like that idea a lot. When I've lost weight in the past I've put timeframes on it and inevitably ended up diasppointed and backsliding when for whatever reason I didn't meet the goal (probably because it wasn't a realistic amount to lose anyway). I will definitely keep that in mind as I set my goals for my first 6 week challenge.

[Lincarte]

I hear you on back slides due to disappointment, but I can also tell you off their evil cousin: back slides due to success. 

 

When that result goal is hit it is hard to "stay hungry" so to speak, and it is easy to get a touch of good enough syndrome. One has to remeber that hitting a goal is great and you do deserve a reward and/or a tasty treat for that, but then it is back on the wagon again =) Steve has written post(s) about this!

 

I will be following along on your journey! So your fan base just grew!

[unapologetic]

Oh wow, I hadn't thought about what happens when I get there. That's too far away to wrap my mind around. I guess maybe while I'm on this journey I need to work on separating the concepts of treats and rewards from food and start thinking of food only as fuel. I wouldn't pump sugar water into my car and expect to drive anywhere, so the same should go for me. Thanks for giving me something new to think about!

[Fearkiller]

So. Much. Win. *dewy-eyed* I feel humble.

 

You being honest and who really you are is amazingly inspiring and humbling.

 

I tend to think we are beautiful because of those dark parts, and when you let them show, 

even though hard, that is worth it, all the way.

 

I do not know if it'll help, but my challenges 8 and 9 concern about depression, which I have found hope for,

because support from here and from counselors gave me the strength to look inside me and see honestly.

 

What I want you to know, if you ever feel like it that there is no hope and it's dark, that hope, like the sun, is there, even when

you don't see it from the clouds. Even when it's dark, there's those little, very little, oh so important bits of beauty in life, like stars.

 

And that if you do not meet a goal, it does not mean you are a worse person, or that you should give up.

It means, however, that you will try again. Okay?

 

Yours,

- Fearkiller

[unapologetic]

Fearkiller, you just made my day. Thank you!

[Fearkiller]

Fearkiller, you just made my day. Thank you!

No, thank you!

[Liberator]

 

So I'm going to be selfish. And I'm not going to apologize for it. For the first time in my life, I need to stop being so concerned about what other people think, stop sacrificing who I am, my opinions, and my passions in order to be more "neutral" and therefore more accepted. Stop feeling like I have to always have to put on my fake happy face because goodness knows, if I have the audacity to be fat I damn well better be jolly. I need to stop apologizing for thinking what I think and feeling what I feel.

 

So there it is. My honest reality. I'm really looking forward to getting to know you all and getting some new ideas about food and fitness. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

 

Thank you for sharing! It is great that you are learning to love yourself and be selfish. It took me a long time to figure that one out, but the only way to give love to others is to first have love for yourself. From your post about your job and relationships, it sounds like you have a profound ability to love. To take that ability and give that level of love and acceptance to yourself, it will have an amazing effect on your life!   

[unapologetic]

Thanks! Slowly but surely, I am learning that I have worth and value. I wouldn't say I've reached the point that I love myself but I hope that as I keep moving on this journey of reclaiming my life and my body that I will get there.

[stone_alchemist]

Hi unapologetic. Your journey resonates with me and I'm happy to lend you some support. You got this!