Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Echoceanic]

Oh yay, you got my grandma only with a dose of self pity instead of a massive ego! How lucky of you! (this is the most sarcastic I can be in text form, hope it made sense )

 

I really hope you can get the hell out of there as soon as possible. You can't really help people like that if they don't want help.

[fleaball]

I just found a diary with a handful of entries from when I was 9-10. My handwriting was atrocious. More important than that, though, is seeing things I’ve only recently become aware of reflected in baby!Flea’s words. I know every kid has issues with their parents at one point or another but over a year and a half every entry is “I hate my parents. I wish they would disappear. They treat me like a baby. I never get to have friends over because the house is always a mess but I’m not allowed to do anything about it. They always take my brother’s side and he cries about everything and I’m not supposed to have to worry about that.” Jesus Christ. 

 

I think I have other diaries hanging around that I was just going to toss in the trash because I don’t want the negativity but now I might keep them for therapy purposes. 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

I think I have other diaries hanging around that I was just going to toss in the trash because I don’t want the negativity but now I might keep them for therapy purposes. 

I think it is wise to hang on to those journals. I just read a book by Henri Nouwen where he was quoting heavily from Elie Wiesel. Nouwen made the point that remembering is essential to healing. We can either repress those memories where they will still be able to poison us, or we can remember them so that we can heal the scars they cause. I'm not telling you to stare them in the face just to do it, but that remembrance is a part of healing. I think it can also be a validation of what you are feeling now, that your parents did not do well for you in raising you. 

[fleaball]

5 hours ago, Tanktimus the Encourager said:

I think it is wise to hang on to those journals. I just read a book by Henri Nouwen where he was quoting heavily from Elie Wiesel. Nouwen made the point that remembering is essential to healing. We can either repress those memories where they will still be able to poison us, or we can remember them so that we can heal the scars they cause. I'm not telling you to stare them in the face just to do it, but that remembrance is a part of healing. I think it can also be a validation of what you are feeling now, that your parents did not do well for you in raising you. 

Yeah, that never occurred to me. I have no idea what I wrote when I was little, except one memorable entry about my mother promising to take us somewhere and then later saying no she never said that, and I was so pissed that I “accidentally” left my diary on a bathroom counter... open exactly to the page where I flipped out about it. Because I had no idea how to communicate how upset I was. I think I was 10? It was about buying Pokémon cards, but a year or two after they first came out. 

 

(Spoiler: all that came of it was me getting in trouble for saying “this sucks” repeatedly.)

[fleaball]

So I went into my parents’ checking account to look for something, and I see that the only Chipotle purchase my father made was $25. So he 100% fucked up and gave me my cousin’s birthday present for Christmas. There’s nothing else in his purchase history that looks like a present for me. So either he did get me a grocery gift card and he just misplaced it, or he didn’t get me anything and that’s why he’s confused. 

 

I’m not hung up on the present itself so much as just the gross incompetence and how this episode just illustrates my relationship with him as a whole. 

 

Le sigh. 

[fleaball]

If I ever manage to move out we’ll have to take bets on how long it takes them to burn the house down or land themselves in the hospital for something stupid. Because they cannot survive on their own. 

 

my father: (after dinner tonight) if I bought stuff from the prepared food section at the supermarket that means it’s already cooked, right? I ate that bag of barbecue wings and I didn’t realize until after that maybe they weren’t supposed to be cold and I needed to cook them but the bag didn’t say. 

 

Actually the bag had clearly marked instructions for reheating them, but no you should live.  

 

my brother: (last night around 11:30 when it was cold enough to worry about pipes bursting) uh flea, there’s water all over the kitchen floor, more than if Dad had dropped ice cubes again. I think something might be leaking? 

 

Open the cabinet under the sink; no leak, yay. Look up into the giant hole in the kitchen ceiling where the bathroom pipes at exposed; no leak, yay. (Another reason I’m reluctant to cook tbh.) Notice water dripping off the dishwasher door. Oh, there’s a bowl full of water sitting on the counter (because instead of washing your dishes right away you fill them with water so nothing sticks, and then you leave them for a week) and there’s a paper towel sticking out of said bowl so water is dripping off the saturated paper towel and onto the counter then onto the floor. To his credit, my brother wiped it up after I figured out what happened, and I can totally appreciate the initial panic of “what the fuck is happening, I need an adult!” (remind me to apologize to my roommate) but it took me maybe a minute and a half to rule out leaks and identify the source of the puddles. And he hadn’t even smoked yet. He could have figured it out. 

[Severine]

\o/   

 

I caught up while binge watching things on Netflix to distract myself from the fact that I can't breathe through my nose. Not going to comment on all of it because it was so long ago but I want to say one thing:

 

On 20/12/2017 at 9:12 PM, fleaball said:

I have a stack of books on trauma and toxic parents and such, and think right now I’m gonna go with The Body Keeps the Score, which is about how trauma affects your brain, mind, and body and how to unlearn some of it. Or at least that’s what it sounds like on the jacket. 

 

So this book was recommended to me by my therapist and I'm reading it right now. Only about 1/3 of the way through but holy shit it keeps making me cry because I recognize myself in so much of what's there and it's incredibly creepy to have some man you've never even met write things that describe your own experiences better than you could describe them. Also it's basically a catalogue of all the ways I've been screwing up my own body with stress for years and I keep worrying about all the health impacts yaaargh.

[fleaball]

13 minutes ago, Severine said:

\o/   

 

I caught up while binge watching things on Netflix to distract myself from the fact that I can't breathe through my nose. Not going to comment on all of it because it was so long ago but I want to say one thing:

 

 

So this book was recommended to me by my therapist and I'm reading it right now. Only about 1/3 of the way through but holy shit it keeps making me cry because I recognize myself in so much of what's there and it's incredibly creepy to have some man you've never even met write things that describe your own experiences better than you could describe them. Also it's basically a catalogue of all the ways I've been screwing up my own body with stress for years and I keep worrying about all the health impacts yaaargh.

At one pointed I logged in and had 98 notifications in less than an hour. All you. You deserve an award lol. 

 

Aaaaagh. I haven’t gotten around to reading that book because I had some other ones due back before it, but I’m part excited to read it and part apprehensive for basically the reasons you just described. I’m not really sure I want to know all the ways my body is totally fucked after 30 years. >.<

 

also, get Starbucks to make you a mint tea with steamed lemonade instead of water. Add some honey and it’s delicious, soothing, and clears out your sinuses like magic. A coworker of mine there came up with it when he was sick. 

[Wobbegong]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

 

also, get Starbucks to make you a mint tea with steamed lemonade instead of water. Add some honey and it’s delicious, soothing, and clears out your sinuses like magic. A coworker of mine there came up with it when he was sick. 

Seconded! My location used to make these as well. They were on the so-called secret menu for a while as the "Medicine Ball" but it looks like sbux has added them to the official menu, so your barista should know what you're talking about and not give you a blank stare when you ask for one. 

[fleaball]

13 minutes ago, Wobbegong said:

Seconded! My location used to make these as well. They were on the so-called secret menu for a while as the "Medicine Ball" but it looks like sbux has added them to the official menu, so your barista should know what you're talking about and not give you a blank stare when you ask for one. 

Whoaaaaaaa I just checked the app and you’re not kidding. I don’t want to get sick this year but if I do I’m sending my father to get me this like every day. 

[fleaball]

Awkward moment of the day: one of the front desk ladies at the dentist absolutely loved my mother. Right after she died I asked my father if we should call the office to let her know and he said no but I felt really awkward about it. He said he’d tell them the next time he had an appointment but I wasn’t sure if he followed through so when I was leaving today I was like “so uh, did anyone tell you...” And they did, and she spent like five minutes telling me how she was heartbroken and she felt so bad for all of us and the last time she’d seen my mother (somewhere in the month before she died wound up in the hospital, I think), my mother had told her that the thing she was most self conscious of was losing her eyebrows, so this woman went to Macy’s and got some kind of makeup thing and was going to call my mother and ask if she wanted to get coffee but never got around to it because time got away from her and she felt so bad etc. It was super awkward for me to hear yet another person gushing over what a great person my mother was and to see her visibly upset over her death.

 

But what I’m realizing right now as I write this is that there’s no anger. I definitely initially thought “okay here we go” at the beginning but right now I’m not mad about “I don’t want to hear how great she was! She wasn’t! Rawr!” My reaction to the whole conversation was basically “okay, if you’re upset about it that’s your right. You can grieve her however you want to and I’m not going to get pissy about it.” I’m still mad that my mother fooled all these people into thinking she was a saint, but it’s her fault, not theirs. People we worked with interpreted her “my way or the highway” bullshit as not taking shit from customers, rather than just being a bitch to people. (Like telling off the harried mother with an infant and toddler in tow because she got all the correct WIC items but just put them all on the belt together and didn’t separate them by check.) But it’s not worth getting upset by people who liked her. They didn’t know her. They knew someone else and it doesn’t do anyone any favors for me to get mad about that or to tell them that actually she was abusive and a shitty person. If I were close to any of these people, maybe I would tell them. If she were alive, maybe I would push back. But I’m not and she isn’t, so at the end of the day it doesn’t hurt anyone to let them believe their fantasy and it’s not worth my energy to get mad about any of it. The only people I need to be mad at are my parents and I’ve already got that covered. 

 

This has been a long and rambling post brought to you by the fact that I’m still waiting for my doctor to show up. 

[Wobbegong]

4 minutes ago, fleaball said:

But what I’m realizing right now as I write this is that there’s no anger.

That's fantastic. Congratulations, Flea! I think it's great that you've focused in on your own anger and your own interactions with your parents that are yours to deal with. I remember that earlier after your mom died, you were having a lot of trouble with all the people who knew her telling you how wonderful she was, and I think it's great for you that you're able to not be mad about it now. 

 

Working through all the shit between you and your family will take time and effort, but you're making progress. You're doing great! 

[fleaball]

Just now, Wobbegong said:

That's fantastic. Congratulations, Flea! I think it's great that you've focused in on your own anger and your own interactions with your parents that are yours to deal with. I remember that earlier after your mom died, you were having a lot of trouble with all the people who knew her telling you how wonderful she was, and I think it's great for you that you're able to not be mad about it now. 

 

Working through all the shit between you and your family will take time and effort, but you're making progress. You're doing great! 

Cynical Flea’s response: to be fair, I could just be so exhausted I don’t care enough to get angry. 

 

I think right after she died it was harder because their reality was so different from mine and I didn’t know why. And I was pissed about all the things I’d had to do up to that point as well. I don’t remember when the word narcissist first got thrown around but I know I was at severine’s when Tank left a bunch of reddit links and that’s when I started to understand what was happening. So I guess now I understand it’s not anyone else’s fault, this is just what she did to people. 

 

man what is it about posting from my phone that makes me forget what I’m writing halfway through? 

[Tanktimus the Encourager]

35 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Awkward moment of the day: one of the front desk ladies at the dentist absolutely loved my mother. Right after she died I asked my father if we should call the office to let her know and he said no but I felt really awkward about it. He said he’d tell them the next time he had an appointment but I wasn’t sure if he followed through so when I was leaving today I was like “so uh, did anyone tell you...” And they did, and she spent like five minutes telling me how she was heartbroken and she felt so bad for all of us and the last time she’d seen my mother (somewhere in the month before she died wound up in the hospital, I think), my mother had told her that the thing she was most self conscious of was losing her eyebrows, so this woman went to Macy’s and got some kind of makeup thing and was going to call my mother and ask if she wanted to get coffee but never got around to it because time got away from her and she felt so bad etc. It was super awkward for me to hear yet another person gushing over what a great person my mother was and to see her visibly upset over her death.

 

But what I’m realizing right now as I write this is that there’s no anger. I definitely initially thought “okay here we go” at the beginning but right now I’m not mad about “I don’t want to hear how great she was! She wasn’t! Rawr!” My reaction to the whole conversation was basically “okay, if you’re upset about it that’s your right. You can grieve her however you want to and I’m not going to get pissy about it.” I’m still mad that my mother fooled all these people into thinking she was a saint, but it’s her fault, not theirs. People we worked with interpreted her “my way or the highway” bullshit as not taking shit from customers, rather than just being a bitch to people. (Like telling off the harried mother with an infant and toddler in tow because she got all the correct WIC items but just put them all on the belt together and didn’t separate them by check.) But it’s not worth getting upset by people who liked her. They didn’t know her. They knew someone else and it doesn’t do anyone any favors for me to get mad about that or to tell them that actually she was abusive and a shitty person. If I were close to any of these people, maybe I would tell them. If she were alive, maybe I would push back. But I’m not and she isn’t, so at the end of the day it doesn’t hurt anyone to let them believe their fantasy and it’s not worth my energy to get mad about any of it. The only people I need to be mad at are my parents and I’ve already got that covered. 

 

This has been a long and rambling post brought to you by the fact that I’m still waiting for my doctor to show up. 

That's an important step in the healing process. You are growing. I'm proud of you.

[Bean Sidhe]

22 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Cynical Flea’s response: to be fair, I could just be so exhausted I don’t care enough to get angry. 

 

 

 

I Think its growth. Thats a huge step. *hugs*

[Emma]

My mother was hypercritical and disapproving of me. I did my best but it was never good enough for her. The people at church believed her to be a saint. She believed it was more important that the church like her than me.  It was frustrating that she could be co completely two different people. I totally get it. It took a while to get over my own anger about it. You seem to be doing better than I did. Good for you.

[fleaball]

FYI I'm totally not crying rereading these comments. 

[Cataleya]

I'm so proud of you, flea. Maybe it is a little bit of exhaustion, but I also think it's a sign of maturity and grace and growth and healing. Good for you, seriously. This is the best thing I've read all day.

[Wobbegong]

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

Cynical Flea’s response: to be fair, I could just be so exhausted I don’t care enough to get angry. 

 

7 hours ago, fleaball said:

But it’s not worth getting upset by people who liked her. They didn’t know her. They knew someone else and it doesn’t do anyone any favors for me to get mad about that or to tell them that actually she was abusive and a shitty person. If I were close to any of these people, maybe I would tell them. If she were alive, maybe I would push back. But I’m not and she isn’t, so at the end of the day it doesn’t hurt anyone to let them believe their fantasy and it’s not worth my energy to get mad about any of it.

 

Yeah, that reasoning definitely sounds like someone who just doesn't care enough to get angry, absolutely not a person who has grown and strengthened. What was I thinking. Honestly. I apologize for my naive idealism. 

 

Spoiler

Since this is the internet, I want to state upfront for the record that the sarcasm is thick in this post. You're seriously doing great, Flea. 

 

[fleaball]

When Pandora goes from Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella right into Jekyll & Hyde, mindfucks ensue. Although wow, fuck this version of the soundtrack. Do not like. (OBC, if anyone cares. The concept album is better. Although the version with David Hasselhoff is obviously the worst.)

 

So today I had not necessarily a good day, but it was on the positive side of neutral.

• Got super behind getting ready and leaving for the dentist because I needed my inhaler after shoveling. Had been able to shovel out my car easily enough but the stuff my father had driven over repeatedly getting in and out of the driveway was a lost cause.
• On the way to the dentist I called to say I might be late (surprise anxiety buster move!), mostly because parking there is a pain in the ass and I expected it to be worse with the snow piled up.
• Drove past the office 2 minutes before my appointment, was able to find parking across the street and walked in maybe 2-3 minutes late because I'd had to turn around in order to park. Nbd. They were cool with it because they were running slightly late anyway. (They're always late.)
• Good news: they can't find anything wrong with my tooth. Bad news: they can't find anything wrong with my tooth. So I paid for that appointment, and will have to pay the super specialist people I see on Thursday for the consult, and then will have to pay for whatever procedure they decide on. If I need a root canal, I have to go back to my dentist for the crown. Ugh. Dear body, stop costing me money.
• Got Starbucks then went to the doctor. Was an hour and change early, so I able to get bloodwork done that the GI guy put in 2 months ago and I forgot about. Then my doctor was like a half hour late. Tried reading the CPTSD book I have but the way it's printed drives me up a wall. Idk if it was self-published or what but the formatting of it is awful.
• I don't know how to feel about my doctor. She was pushing the therapy thing again and we sort of didn't address the stuff I'd mentioned because like, meh it could be anxiety-related? Like I said I'm having trouble falling asleep, am exhausted after like 12 hours of being awake, etc. I didn't expect much because as we've discussed here it could be a million things, but I did mention my diet is terrible and she asked why and I said I eat no freggies because I have issues with cooking and started to hint about family shit and she was like "just tell them to stop asking questions" and then that I could ask a therapist for better ways to say it. That ended that conversation. idk. I'm aware that a lot of the things I bring up with her aren't things she can resolve and aren't even necessarily problems (I go more for the route of "this hasn't happened to me before, is it normal?" and if it is I'm fine with that) but sometimes I feel like we're not discussing everything? On the other hand, she's not dismissive like the folks at the student health center were. She'll listen, she just tends to move on quickly. but at the same time she'll spend however long you need going through all your shit. I think things could be improved on her side but I also think I'm overly sensitive to the therapy badgering because god knows I'm aware I need it and it's not like I'm not trying. 
• Also got a flu shot. I've never had one before and I don't even think I've ever had the flu, but herd immunity and all that. 
• Drove for a bit. I needed 5 rides to be able to renew the car so I called it a night after that. Some of the side roads I had to drive down were super slushy and/or not plowed well enough to be two-way streets but there was nowhere to pull out of the way is someone was coming from the opposite direction so it got dicey and I just didn't care. I made good money for the night but just couldn't be bothered staying out. I'm not sure if Lyft is trying to coax me out personally, or if basically no one has been out in the past week. I've gotten a ridiculous number of texts in the past few days saying "give X rides today in this timeframe and get $Y" but had only gotten a handful since I started during the week of Halloween. Obviously I ignored the ones on the shitty days, but if I'm already out I'm not going to turn down free money.
• Got home like 2.5 hours ago and haven't done much since. I've lurked on here but I honestly don't know where the time has gone? But I'm exhausted, although not go-to-bed tired.
• I'm afraid I'm going to find out I need new glasses tomorrow. They might genuinely help with the headaches and being tired but I just don't want to deal with the hassle of getting them. Warby Parker has a few nearby locations but they're all in pain in the ass places with no parking. 
• I've got my headphones cranked up slightly higher than is actually comfortable and I can still hear my brother vomiting in his room. Both our doors are closed. I feel bad for him but I am so tired of this. It happens every night. This thing specifically makes me want to cry all the time. Not necessarily for him though. More out of frustration, I think? Like "this is not normal, I don't want to listen to this, why can't you fucking take care of yourself, I hate everything about this, why is this happening again?!" 
• The two CO monitors that I plugged in in October (? November? whenever we turned the heat on) have a digital readout of the current level and the highest recorded level. But it doesn't tell you when it was recorded or how long it was at that level. I checked out of curiosity today as I walked by the one in the kitchen and while it's currently at 0 it did record a level of 21ppm at some point. The one in the hallway between all our bedrooms is 0 with a recorded 10ppm. I did some googling and 50ppm for >8 hours is the minimum danger level. So that's good. I know I've checked them before and they've read 0 for the recorded high, but I can't remember the last time I checked. I'm going to be more regular about it now. Our vent wasn't covered by the snow last week, but I wonder if at some point it was partially covered? Since the wind was nuts and could have blown snow at it from any direction? Fun fact: I have no idea, because my father had assured me multiple times during the day that he would check it while he was out shoveling. And of course he didn't. I wound up doing it. Oh, I google the user manual for it and it says strong wind can blow air back into the vent. That may have been it. I'll talk to my father tomorrow about getting one for the cellar anyway. OH GOOD. It says levels below 30ppm "can occur in normal, everyday situations" and "may be an indication of a transient condition that may appear today and never reappear." Okay. Good. Because my anxiety has been steadily rising since I discovered this. Less because "oh my god we're going to die" and more just thinking about the condition of the house and how regular maintenance is Not A Thing and omg what else could go wrong?! Plus anger on top of all that. Yes, sure, plenty of people drop the ball on maintenance when it's preventive/not an emergency. But there are so many things in this house that should be checked or serviced that just haven't been. Like ever. And the excuses for it are paper thin. And I'm crying now because I'm just so upset over the fact that people aren't supposed to live like this. My friend in Norway said she and a friend are planning to visit the US next month and the friend is going to visit her bf in Iowa first, so my friend was thinking of spending that time in Boston and we could hang out if I wanted. I wrote back that duh I would want to hang out with her but also "idk if you were even thinking about this but I have to say it anyway, i would strongly advise against planning on crashing with me because this house is fucking embarrassing" etc. I feel terrible because if I lived literally anywhere else I would immediately say, to anyone, "if you need a place to stay you're totally welcome here!" When shit hit the fan after my mother died, this same girl was like "so my mom said that if you can afford a plane ticket, you can stay here for a little while to get away from your family and she'll pay for food and everything." And it just kills me that I can't even attempt to return the favor. It's fucking dumb. But even if the house were less cluttered before she got here, there's a giant hole in the kitchen ceiling and behind my bed, the toilet in the only bathroom is finicky and you have to flush it in just the right way (or just don't, if you're my father), the lights in several rooms are fucked so we use lamps that don't light the whole room... it really is fucking embarrassing to think about, jesus. So yeah, it makes me angry that the house is in this condition and there's basically no way of knowing if/when there will be an issue. And my father will bitch and moan about taking care of it all when guess what, if you'd been a responsible homeowner all along, you wouldn't have to shell out hundreds if not thousands of dollars for things. (Yes, it's an old house and things will eventually fail. That's inevitable. But like, don't be a fucking idiot who pours sulfuric acid into ancient pipes?) His big thing now is that he doesn't just want to "pick some guy out of a phone book" to fix things. The plumber we used to use is apparently a drunk (but my parents also neglected to pay him for like 3 months? The first bill came before she went into the hospital so there's no excuse and I wouldn't be surprised if that were also a reason not to return my father's calls) and the guy someone at work recommended and apparently everyone uses is a super fucking flake (if you remember the leaky shower debacle. although my father has never offered to pay him when he comes out, thinking he'll just wait for a bill but also never asking for one, so that could be a reason too. although he was a total flake the first time he ever came by too). So I get wanting a person that someone else recommends but at some point you have to put on your big boy pants and find people on your own. 

WOW that got away from me. I'm not bitter. Anyway surprise, once I read in the manual that < 30ppm is totally normal, the crushing anxiety and inability to breathe that I'd been experiencing started to go away. I'm still going to go make chamomile tea once I'm done with this post though. I had searched the interwebs to find an acceptable/normal level but all I found was that 50 was dangerous after a while and the monitor I have won't alarm under 30 anyway. I sort of inferred that if it wouldn't alarm then it wasn't worth worrying about but seeing it written out definitely helped. Whee. 

 

I have PT tomorrow after the eye doctor. To work on my knees this time, not my ankle. I really just don't want to go. I'm not going to skip it because that's dumb, but I'm super reluctant. Maybe because I'm seeing the same guy I saw for my ankle and I don't want him to ask me about the exercises I clearly haven't been doing on a regular basis? Or maybe just because it's annoying as fuck and I hate that my body is in such terrible shape. This isn't something that could have been prevented, necessarily, since it's an anatomy thing but strengthening certain muscles will keep my kneecaps stable and lessen the pain, but since it's to strengthen my quads and VMO I can't help but think that if I'd been keeping up with any kind of exercise regimen I wouldn't been in this position. It's not necessarily true but that's where I am. And ready to cry again because I feel like everything is my fault now. Yay. 

 

Is it too late to change my summary of the day to "MEHHHHHHH"?

[Wobbegong]

10 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Tried reading the CPTSD book I have but the way it's printed drives me up a wall. Idk if it was self-published or what but the formatting of it is awful.

Is that the one you recommended to me? I ended up not getting it because a bunch of the Amazon reviews indicated it was really poorly written in ways that I thought would bother me. I got "The Complex PTSD Workbook: A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control & Becoming Whole" by Arielle Schwartz instead. I'm only 15% through according to kindle but it's short and so far it seems pretty good. The forward states explicitly that it is for people who are aware they need therapy but have not started yet and are not sure what kind of therapy would help them most, but so far I haven't gotten into any of that part as far as I can tell. 

 

16 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I've lurked on here but I honestly don't know where the time has gone?

Same. I glanced up and was like "How is it almost ten, it was just seven a minute ago. Where was I for the past three hours?" 

 

23 minutes ago, fleaball said:

Is it too late to change my summary of the day to "MEHHHHHHH"?

It's never too late to be emphatically meh. 

[fleaball]

Noooooope fuck today. Woke up with a terrible headache so pushed back getting out of bed til the last minute. Then my brother is already awake and going to work hours earlier than usual so I don’t have time to shower. (Except in retrospect I did because it takes me no time at all, but now it’s actually too late.)

 

i still have this headache, I’m going to the eye doctor in ten minutes, I haven’t showered so I feel super gross (have done the wipe down with a towel thing but it doesn’t help much because it’s all in my head anyway) and then I have PT for my knees, and the only shorts I have are running shorts that are hella short. I’m sure this guy’s seen everything but ugh. Plus I haven’t shaved since like October? I wasn’t planning on it anyway but I’m still stuck in that “maybe I should have?” mode. Also my colonoscopy that was scheduled for the end of the month has been pushed back to April. It wasn’t critical and was more to check boxes anyway but I’m also still having the same weird pain that sent me to the GI doc in the first place so I’m annoyed. 

 

Anyway. Now I need to go sulk at the eye doctor instead of my room. Whee. 

[Sylvaa]

So ironically, I wasn't feeling 100% and I went to Starbucks to get a mint tea with lemonade ala your thread.

 

Apparently now, they have a Citrus Defender beverage which is with the Defense tea, lemonade, and honey. 

 

Not too shabby. But forewarning, they put 2 honey packs in a Venti. 

[Severine]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

the only shorts I have are running shorts that are hella short. I’m sure this guy’s seen everything but ugh. Plus I haven’t shaved since like October? I wasn’t planning on it anyway but I’m still stuck in that “maybe I should have?” mode.

 

FWIW, many years ago, my old doctor noticed that I was super uncomfortable when she was examining me and she asked if there was something wrong or if she was alarming me with anything she was doing (yay for trauma-informed doctors) and I explained I was self-conscious about not having shaved (and then got even more embarrassed about getting embarrassed). She just stared back at me confused for a second, and then laughed a bit. She said hadn't even noticed (which, surprisingly, I believed) and I should totally not worry because when you've worked with so many bodies it becomes totally uninteresting and not something doctors process/judge in the same was as normal people.

 

Obviously not all doctors/PTs/whatever are the same, but thinking of that does give me comfort when I'm self conscious. When something is a daily part of your job you get really desensitized, for good or ill.

[Echoceanic]

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

My friend in Norway said she and a friend are planning to visit the US next month and the friend is going to visit her bf in Iowa first, so my friend was thinking of spending that time in Boston and we could hang out if I wanted. I wrote back that duh I would want to hang out with her but also "idk if you were even thinking about this but I have to say it anyway, i would strongly advise against planning on crashing with me because this house is fucking embarrassing" etc. I feel terrible because if I lived literally anywhere else I would immediately say, to anyone, "if you need a place to stay you're totally welcome here!" When shit hit the fan after my mother died, this same girl was like "so my mom said that if you can afford a plane ticket, you can stay here for a little while to get away from your family and she'll pay for food and everything."

 

If you ask me, the very fact she offered for you to get away from your family is proof enough that she understands that you can't have her there because of outside reasons.

 

You are doing better don't worry. It's small steps but you're making progress in a terrible situation.

 

54 minutes ago, Severine said:

She just stared back at me confused for a second, and then laughed a bit. She said hadn't even noticed (which, surprisingly, I believed) and I should totally not worry because when you've worked with so many bodies it becomes totally uninteresting and not something doctors process/judge in the same was as normal people.

 

Believe her. People don't notice if they aren't looking for it, and even then they might not. 

16 hours ago, fleaball said:

I'm aware that a lot of the things I bring up with her aren't things she can resolve and aren't even necessarily problems (I go more for the route of "this hasn't happened to me before, is it normal?" and if it is I'm fine with that) but sometimes I feel like we're not discussing everything?

 

This is me all the time with the doctor. The only one that doesn't do this is my eye doctor, but she is also the one that gets to see me freeze when she asks me if one image is less blurry than another image. So it's a trade off.