Battle Kitten: Ascension

[fleaball]

1 minute ago, Owlet said:

Oh cool, it actually sounds quite interesting (probs not for you because it's homework and you have to sit through what sound like long-winded, unedited talks.) Lol at PM using emotional language... where have I heard that before? =P our PM (and the one before) like to blame the unemployment rate on Kiwis taking too many drugs and as for the housing crisis - what crisis? High house prices is a sign of a healthy economy, right? Hahahaa. That's right PM, that's why so many people are homeless and sleeping in their cars... I wonder if NZ politics would be refreshingly naive to you or frustratingly derivative of US politics (still on a much smaller scale obvs) I should really stop distracting you eh.

You're not disctracting me, I promise. I'm finding plenty of ways to do that myself. Ouch, your PM sounds like a dumbass. I don't follow the politics of other countries too much but it seems like western Anglophone ones have way too much in common sometimes. (Petition to ban old white men from government worldwide?)

[Owlet]

2 minutes ago, fleaball said:

You're not disctracting me, I promise. I'm finding plenty of ways to do that myself. Ouch, your PM sounds like a dumbass. I don't follow the politics of other countries too much but it seems like western Anglophone ones have way too much in common sometimes. (Petition to ban old white men from government worldwide?)

Haha yes. Except Bernie, he seems alright  

[Owlet]

I wish we lived close by so we could go to the awesome language cafe and cuddle cats while we bitch and moan about politics haha. The cafe that we have yet to set up...

[Severine]

Dear flea's brain: cut flea a brake while she gets some shit done, kk?

 

It's too bad the crisis thing has to be recent because the theft of several million dollars' worth of maple syrup from a big warehouse in Quebec was pretty great. Okay, that's not really a crisis so much as a crime but it was heavily covered in the news and it was hilarious. It was an inside job! They're even making a movie about it. 

[Owlet]

Just now, Severine said:

Dear flea's brain: cut flea a brake while she gets some shit done, kk?

 

It's too bad the crisis thing has to be recent because the theft of several million dollars' worth of maple syrup from a big warehouse in Quebec was pretty great. Okay, that's not really a crisis so much as a crime but it was heavily covered in the news and it was hilarious. It was an inside job! They're even making a movie about it. 

Haha we had a similar thing with avocados being stolen and sold on the black market :'D Our countries are ridiculous

[fleaball]

6 minutes ago, Owlet said:

I wish we lived close by so we could go to the awesome language cafe and cuddle cats while we bitch and moan about politics haha. The cafe that we have yet to set up...

I graduate in May. (Hopefully.) We're just in the planning stage now. =P

 

3 minutes ago, Severine said:

Dear flea's brain: cut flea a brake while she gets some shit done, kk?

<3

 

3 minutes ago, Severine said:

It's too bad the crisis thing has to be recent because the theft of several million dollars' worth of maple syrup from a big warehouse in Quebec was pretty great. Okay, that's not really a crisis so much as a crime but it was heavily covered in the news and it was hilarious. It was an inside job! They're even making a movie about it. 

2 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Haha we had a similar thing with avocados being stolen and sold on the black market :'D Our countries are ridiculous

Oh man I would absolutely do either of these things if they were current. T__T I want to do something quasi-ridiculous and not another instance of "a bunch of people died."

[fleaball]

Ugh okay I'm exhausted and it just keeps getting later. I'm gonna off the interwebs and get what I can out of skimming this one book and call it a night. I honestly don't know whether she expects to read what I've done or if this was supposed to be entirely for my benefit, but at least I can say I've started.

[Severine]

11 minutes ago, Owlet said:

Haha we had a similar thing with avocados being stolen and sold on the black market :'D Our countries are ridiculous

 

Haha I love it! I remember meeting a bunch of kiwis while I was travelling in Scotland, and we commiserated about the shared experience of how everyone we met while travelling assumed based on our accents that we were from the more powerful, more populous, more famous country right beside us. I decided at that point that our countries were cousins, each being overshadowed by a brash older sibling. 

[fleaball]

Cross your fingers she doesn't want anything from me tomorrow. I got to 2/3 of a page and realized this random book I picked up at the library will be so much more useful than I expected and that i need to be fully conscious to appreciate it instead of falling asleep at my computer. So it's bedtime. Womp. 

[fleaball]

More complaining:

I think I forgot to take an antacid yesterday and my chest has been killing me.

 I'm really hoping there's no serious damage being done by the reflux. The pulmonologist said when you come off the proton pump inhibitor it gets worse before it gets better but uggggh. I'm tempted to ask for a GI referral now even though she was content to leave it until I saw her again. But now that I'm not coughing as much and I know reflux is an issue, I recognize that I've had this pain for a while, I just thought it was because I was constantly trying to cough up a lung. 

 

Oh hey. I'm going to see the allergist tomorrow for testing, and in googling how long the test will take I see Mayo Clinic advising against taking the antacid I'm on. For ten days. Because it can mess with results. Fuck my entire life. The only thing they told me not to take on the phone was an antihistamine and if the pulmonologist thinks I have allergies despite the antacid, then it can't be that much of an issue. Whatever. 

 

I'm getting really "woe is me" lately, especially when it comes to health issues. I don't like not having actionable steps beyond "eat better/exercise, lose weight, and maybe take this medicine." And then it's like "don't eat these foods because of reflux, also certain exercises will aggravate it." but I can't do other exercises between being out of shape and lingering injuries (my ankle is still fucked and my shoulder has been bothering me again because that PT office sucked). And basically I feel like there's nothing I can do in order to see results and I'm going to be sick and miserable for the rest of my life. Which isn't necessarily true but that's also the example I got from my parents too. It doesn't help that I feel like I've done these things to myself by eating poorly, not exercising, etc. Not that I think I deserve the consequences forever, but like "you made your choices and now you're stuck with them." I've always had issues with self-efficacy and an external locus of control and just ugh. Literally no one else can fix this for me and I just don't feel like I can either. I feel like I'm limited on so many fronts and trying to fix one problem will exacerbate another so why even bother? 

 

And hey, this is me with no time to do homework at work because I keep getting interrupted. I know no one on my team actually takes a lunch break but they're also salaried; please leave me alone for the hour I don't get paid for, thanks. On the bright side, I took two minutes to google the beached whales and in the sidebar on CNN.com they mentioned the riots in Sweden two weeks ago. Which is close enough and probably has more for me to talk about. Huzzah. 

 

Right. I'm gonna go pick the cheese off my goddamn salad that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place and then attempt some kind of work. 

[Severine]

Sorry you're feeling crappy   Dr. Kitteh suggests petting him until he feels you feel better.

 

For what it's worth, I had reflux issues on and off for a good year while in law school (and possibly longer, because it took me quite a while to go see someone about my random pain) and I don't seem to have any lasting damage. I had to have an endoscopy for an unrelated thing and the report said my esophagus was healthy with no abnormalities. I know that reflux definitely can cause permanent damage but I think you have to have it untreated for a certain amount of time before it gets that bad. So while you definitely want to get it under control, you're not doomed yet.

 

You do seem to have really bad luck with health issues, and you're damn sure entitled to feel bitter about that. But don't give up. Yeah, all the things you need to do (diet changes, exercise, etc) are hard, and take time to see results from, and can get derailed for various reasons...but it's also an incremental rewards thing. Like you haven't totally fixed your eating, but just eliminating dairy seems to make you feel better. You don't need to reach the finish line to see benefits - they'll accumulate as you go and you'll feel better and better. Which should make it easier to keep trucking.

 

Also you're a badass and capable of way more than you think.

[Owlet]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

And hey, this is me with no time to do homework at work because I keep getting interrupted. I know no one on my team actually takes a lunch break but they're also salaried; please leave me alone for the hour I don't get paid for, thanks. On the bright side, I took two minutes to google the beached whales and in the sidebar on CNN.com they mentioned the riots in Sweden two weeks ago. Which is close enough and probably has more for me to talk about. Huzzah. 

 

Right. I'm gonna go pick the cheese off my goddamn salad that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place and then attempt some kind of work. 

Eww lunchtimes are sacred, back off everyone else. *growls*

 

Yeah riots sounds way more relevant. And another reminder that our refugee quota is pathetically small, even by remote island standards..

 

Also, everything @Severine said. Would it help to try and remember the little wins, like discovering dairy doesn't agree with you? Improving health and fitness is a slow road at best, let alone when you factor in stress and really bad luck with health issues. Heck, I only have to get a mild cold to feel sorry for myself and swear that I will never take my health for granted again (spoiler it never lasts) so it's no wonder you're feeling down about it. Still though, the fact that you are persevering throughout this makes me think you will actually win out in the long term. You could just be sitting at home refusing to go to any doctors and getting steadily worse, but you're not. No doubt it feels like a never-ending mountain that you're slogging up, but every mountain has a top... god that's cheesy. You get the idea though. I know you said you feel like 'what's the point of even bothering any more' but I don't think you're a quitter. I think you're going to keep slogging away, however shit it is, and get there anyway. Just a hunch...

[fleaball]

3 hours ago, Severine said:

Sorry you're feeling crappy   Dr. Kitteh suggests petting him until he feels you feel better.

 

For what it's worth, I had reflux issues on and off for a good year while in law school (and possibly longer, because it took me quite a while to go see someone about my random pain) and I don't seem to have any lasting damage. I had to have an endoscopy for an unrelated thing and the report said my esophagus was healthy with no abnormalities. I know that reflux definitely can cause permanent damage but I think you have to have it untreated for a certain amount of time before it gets that bad. So while you definitely want to get it under control, you're not doomed yet.

 

You do seem to have really bad luck with health issues, and you're damn sure entitled to feel bitter about that. But don't give up. Yeah, all the things you need to do (diet changes, exercise, etc) are hard, and take time to see results from, and can get derailed for various reasons...but it's also an incremental rewards thing. Like you haven't totally fixed your eating, but just eliminating dairy seems to make you feel better. You don't need to reach the finish line to see benefits - they'll accumulate as you go and you'll feel better and better. Which should make it easier to keep trucking.

 

Also you're a badass and capable of way more than you think.

*grabby hands at Dr. Kitteh* I want a caaaaat. Purely for medical purposes of course. Lowering blood pressure and all that. 

 

The problem is i don't actually know how long I've had it. Like I had it a little bit in November/December 2015 after my stint in the hospital barely eating anything for a week and a half. I thought it went away but I don't know if it actually did or if I just got used to the feeling since I didn't actually get the heartburn. Although your story makes me feel better. 

 

I don't really want to give up. I'm at least at a point where I'm ready to give up on dairy completely anyway because I know it will make me feel like shit, regardless of whether it fixes long term issues. But I also thrive on feedback and it's hard to wait and just hope it gets better over time. Dairy was the most obvious trigger food and while im sure getting rid of other stuff will help I don't think I'll notice such an immediate effect. 

 

Ugggh. I hope you're right. 

 

2 hours ago, Owlet said:

Eww lunchtimes are sacred, back off everyone else. *growls*

 

Yeah riots sounds way more relevant. And another reminder that our refugee quota is pathetically small, even by remote island standards..

 

Also, everything @Severine said. Would it help to try and remember the little wins, like discovering dairy doesn't agree with you? Improving health and fitness is a slow road at best, let alone when you factor in stress and really bad luck with health issues. Heck, I only have to get a mild cold to feel sorry for myself and swear that I will never take my health for granted again (spoiler it never lasts) so it's no wonder you're feeling down about it. Still though, the fact that you are persevering throughout this makes me think you will actually win out in the long term. You could just be sitting at home refusing to go to any doctors and getting steadily worse, but you're not. No doubt it feels like a never-ending mountain that you're slogging up, but every mountain has a top... god that's cheesy. You get the idea though. I know you said you feel like 'what's the point of even bothering any more' but I don't think you're a quitter. I think you're going to keep slogging away, however shit it is, and get there anyway. Just a hunch...

Right? Usually if I have to go out and run an errand in the afternoon my supervisor will ask if I've had lunch yet or tell me to come by after I have, but beyond that I'll just get emails or phone calls at all times of the day. When it gets nicer out I might take my lunch and eat in a nearby park but I'm usually trying to get homework done so that's iffy. 

 

Well hey if it makes you feel better we're apparently back to 0 now. 

 

Lol I do the same thing with colds. I am the worst patient. Somewhere along the way I equated "healthy" with "literally nothing wrong with you." So I'm always like "ugggggh I'm sick and must be dying." Even now whenever my chest hurts I have to remind myself that I had a CT scan six weeks ago with only the one abnormality; there's no way I developed breast cancer or anything else in six weeks. It's funny that you point out remembering the little wins because even though I just said I thrive on feedback, the little wins feel too little? Like I lost two pounds/~1 kg over the first two weeks I really attempted no dairy, even though there were exceptions, and yay two pounds gone but after the momentary "woo the scale went down!" I was just meh about it. I suppose I would have to figure out what small victories would count. Weight, beyond a general downward trend, doesn't mean much (I gained 3 pounds over last week, but I'm bleeding so that's probably it); clothes fitting differently is too subjective; I tend not to see progress in my own photos. Performance in workouts might work but that depends on things too. Who knows. 

 

In terms of quitting... it's weird. I'm sitting here going "what's the point" but I'm also like "well I'm still not gonna sit down and cry into a pint of ice cream because that will murder me" so I guess I'm going to wind up not quitting anyway. which doesn't seem to mesh but okay. 

[fleaball]

Week 863 with no chemo. My father was only speaking in half sentences but apparently they think the nausea she can't shake is actually related to the cancer and not the medications. So she has to schedule several tests this week and hopefully get back on track next week. (When I'm there.) 

 

the last time they did whatever test they found out the tumor on her liver had shrunk a bit. Which objectively is good, but also doesn't mean anything because that's not what's going to kill her. I guess you can assume that if it's doing that then maybe it's helping her pancreas too but I'm more concerned about the constant rescheduling of the chemo. :/

[fleaball]

I'm reasonably sure that I, too, am missing the boat on this assignment. It's really not turning into what I want it to be. I suppose the difference is that I'm aware that I'm doing it wrong (according to how I understand the assignment) and I really just... don't give a shit. I can live with a 13/15 on this. And honestly if I get less than that when other people last week went on for half a fucking hour, there will be words. 

 

And oh hey quasi-positive news: advisor prof forwarded me an email chain of a bunch of people trying to figure out how to get my data to me. No new developments, but the 20 business days we were told to wait should be up next week. I told her I'm 99.9% sure she can approve an extension into the summer if it gets fucked (I'd walk in May but my diploma would be dated August, which I don't really care about because the ceremony is the important part for me) and she said we can make that work if we need to. For now we're going to wait at least until next week to see if they come through, but hooray I might not have to write a 50-page paper in 4 weeks.

[Severine]

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

But I also thrive on feedback and it's hard to wait and just hope it gets better over time. Dairy was the most obvious trigger food and while im sure getting rid of other stuff will help I don't think I'll notice such an immediate effect. 

 

Yeah I hear this. Honestly it's a lot of why I like the NF challenges. Because if I can't get real-world feedback the next best thing is a really clear measurement that I'm doing healthy stuff, because as long as I have indisputable tangible proof that I'm doing that stuff, I can reassure myself that I'm benefiting even if I can't see it.

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

Even now whenever my chest hurts I have to remind myself that I had a CT scan six weeks ago with only the one abnormality; there's no way I developed breast cancer or anything else in six weeks.

 

That sounds stressful

 

3 hours ago, fleaball said:

I suppose I would have to figure out what small victories would count. Weight, beyond a general downward trend, doesn't mean much (I gained 3 pounds over last week, but I'm bleeding so that's probably it); clothes fitting differently is too subjective; I tend not to see progress in my own photos. Performance in workouts might work but that depends on things too. Who knows. 

 

I bet this is something your therapist could help with? Because at least to me, what feels satisfying seems more like an emotional/mental/personality question than anything else. And I bet that what ends up feeling satisfying will have a lot to do with how you see yourself and your capabilities and your body and all that. Just don't tell your therapist that your forum friends are assigning her work  >.>

 

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

Week 863 with no chemo. My father was only speaking in half sentences but apparently they think the nausea she can't shake is actually related to the cancer and not the medications. So she has to schedule several tests this week and hopefully get back on track next week. (When I'm there.) 

 

 

Ugh I'm so sorry. Hopefully the tests show something. Do you feel like you being there while she's doing chemo is better or worse? I mean not that it makes a difference but I am just wondering if it'll require you to do special stuff, or if it means spending less time with her, etc.

 

That's good news about the liver spot though. If it's metastatic from the pancreas (which I'm assuming it is) it should be the same cancerous tissue so hopefully that means that if it's responding in one place it'll respond across the board. Just need to get her back into chemo.

 

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Severine said:

Yeah I hear this. Honestly it's a lot of why I like the NF challenges. Because if I can't get real-world feedback the next best thing is a really clear measurement that I'm doing healthy stuff, because as long as I have indisputable tangible proof that I'm doing that stuff, I can reassure myself that I'm benefiting even if I can't see it.

 

2 minutes ago, Severine said:

I bet this is something your therapist could help with? Because at least to me, what feels satisfying seems more like an emotional/mental/personality question than anything else. And I bet that what ends up feeling satisfying will have a lot to do with how you see yourself and your capabilities and your body and all that. Just don't tell your therapist that your forum friends are assigning her work  >.>

There's probably a way I can combine these two things. Hopefully I can cover this with her this week and no bigger drama takes its place. lol all I have to say is "someone suggested this and I'm stuck" and she'll roll with it. She like, super loves you guys. And that I have you all. (Even though @Sylvaa sometimes tries to take her job.) I'll literally pull my phone out during an appointment and read from a thread and be like "so this person said this thing which got me thinking, and I said this in response" and she's typically impressed. So i think she'll forgive you. 

 

8 minutes ago, Severine said:

Ugh I'm so sorry. Hopefully the tests show something. Do you feel like you being there while she's doing chemo is better or worse? I mean not that it makes a difference but I am just wondering if it'll require you to do special stuff, or if it means spending less time with her, etc.

 

That's good news about the liver spot though. If it's metastatic from the pancreas (which I'm assuming it is) it should be the same cancerous tissue so hopefully that means that if it's responding in one place it'll respond across the board. Just need to get her back into chemo.

I mean she was scheduled to have it next week anyway and I was planning on taking her so my father could take a break. She more or less asked me to come, so it's not going to bother her regardless. mostly what I'm worried about is going and them saying she can't do it that day either for whatever reason. Because I will cry. Because this is stressing me out. 

 

Yep, you're right. So yeah, hopefully it's doing something for the pancreas. Highly unlikely it will cure it regardless, but since the whole point of chemo was to try to get it under control, yeah. It's something. 

[Sylvaa]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

There's probably a way I can combine these two things. Hopefully I can cover this with her this week and no bigger drama takes its place. lol all I have to say is "someone suggested this and I'm stuck" and she'll roll with it. She like, super loves you guys. And that I have you all. (Even though @Sylvaa sometimes tries to take her job.) I'll literally pull my phone out during an appointment and read from a thread and be like "so this person said this thing which got me thinking, and I said this in response" and she's typically impressed. So i think she'll forgive you. 

 

It's practice, because I deal with a lot of your issues with my step-daughter (who coincidentally is probably going to start therapy here soon too). To be fair, we really like your therapist too!

[Jarric]

On ‎06‎/‎03‎/‎2017 at 3:00 AM, fleaball said:

Petition to ban old white men from government worldwide?

 

As a future old white man, I'd sign this.

 

Good news about the data for your paper though, fingers crossed you'll get that soon and have one less thing to worry about.

[Dagger]

I did actually read all of this.

 

Stuff just keeps piling on doesn't it?

 

I hope the allergy test went well.

 

Did the talk with the non-roommate-who-is-a-bitch happen?

 

Otherwise, all I have is:

<3 you

[fleaball]

On 3/8/2017 at 10:55 AM, Jarric said:

 

As a future old white man, I'd sign this.

 

Good news about the data for your paper though, fingers crossed you'll get that soon and have one less thing to worry about.

Supposedly my prof got an email today saying I'll have it by Monday. Actually a bit disappoints if that means I'll have to finish this semester. I suppose it's still good news but meh. 

 

13 hours ago, Dagger said:

I did actually read all of this.

 

Stuff just keeps piling on doesn't it?

 

I hope the allergy test went well.

 

Did the talk with the non-roommate-who-is-a-bitch happen? 

 

Otherwise, all I have is:

<3 you

I had 47 notifications this morning and most of them were you. I'm sorry lol. 

 

Yeah it keeps coming. Didn't have the allergy test bc the antacid I'm taking can fuck with it, so it's scheduled for two weeks from now. 

 

To my knowledge, no. There hasn't been a talk. 

 

<3 you too

[fleaball]

There was never a talk BUT roommate just texted me that K called this morning to say she's signing a lease at a shitty apt building next to where we used to live and is moving out Saturday. Hallelujah. 

 

Back to grocery shopping with my mother.

[fleaball]

Aaaaand currently at he ER because my brother has apparently had the worst headache ever all day and was super sick blah blah and and skipped lunch with the extended family so my mother was like "fuck it, we're going." I came more to support her than him. But I'm also pissed he couldn't get his shit together earlier because we have to leave the house at 6:45 in the morning to get to her chemo appointment and this is such a fucking bitch. 

[fleaball]

12:31. We've been here 3 hours. They think he has the flu and said they'd give him fluids and see what happens.  Haven't gotten that yet. We're gonna be here at least until 2. And then IF we go home tonight mom and I have to leave at 6:45 and I'm gonna have to shower before. I'm so not pleased right now y'all. 

[Owlet]

Just now, fleaball said:

12:31. We've been here 3 hours. They think he has the flu and said they'd give him fluids and see what happens.  Haven't gotten that yet. We're gonna be here at least until 2. And then IF we go home tonight mom and I have to leave at 6:45 and I'm gonna have to shower before. I'm so not pleased right now y'all. 

ughhh. That sounds like a whole lot of unpleasant and unnecessary.