Battle Kitten: Ascension

[Sylvaa]

15 hours ago, fleaball said:

okay tl;dr version of what I alluded to before: I wonder if some of the random things that make me cry are related to mourning the relationship we didn't have or should've had, and also the fact that now we won't get to have that. Also just repressing feelings because when my mother does the same bullshit she's always done that pisses me off, now I feel like I can't get mad or say anything about it. Like I was pissed when she said she'd outed me to my father because  you. don't. do. that. but as much as I wanted to lose my shit, how am I supposed to yell at her for doing it because she wanted to make sure she had the chance to fight him if he had a problem with it, so she was trying to protect me now since she can't do it later because she's dying. Super not fair. 

 

15 hours ago, fleaball said:

I threw it in the massive post that I put behind a cut a few days ago. I wasn't around when she did it but she told me when I went home in March. Apparently his reaction was just "oh. Okay." But she said she did it specifically because she wanted to see what he would say and fight him if he had an issue with it. Her words. I did sort of include it as an afterthought in the other post because aside from the massive "what the FUCK" on principle, there's nothing I can do about it. My father never said anything to me, probably never will unless I bring it up first. And I can't get mad at my mother for it so what's the point. 

 

Your mother just used your logic to help you....

 

To be fair, this is a mom thing. I'm the go between a lot between the kids and my husband because I'm the one who is more likely to be like, "whatever". 

 

I mean, I get the opposite point in this case - where once the dust settles, you'll have to deal with your dad and how he now knows and what does he feel about it. But at the same time, I would think that him knowing you have your mother's support is going to be helpful in this situation.

 

I also get the dysfunctional part - the whole, "too little, too late" thing that you can't say because it'll just make you seem like a horrible person (as an FYI - I don't think it would make you a horrible person, I would be the same way). There's definitely a whole therapist conversation about what would be better for YOU long-term. 

[fleaball]

53 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

 

Your mother just used your logic to help you....

 

To be fair, this is a mom thing. I'm the go between a lot between the kids and my husband because I'm the one who is more likely to be like, "whatever". 

 

I mean, I get the opposite point in this case - where once the dust settles, you'll have to deal with your dad and how he now knows and what does he feel about it. But at the same time, I would think that him knowing you have your mother's support is going to be helpful in this situation.

 

I also get the dysfunctional part - the whole, "too little, too late" thing that you can't say because it'll just make you seem like a horrible person (as an FYI - I don't think it would make you a horrible person, I would be the same way). There's definitely a whole therapist conversation about what would be better for YOU long-term. 

Remind me to reply to this tonight. Gonna try not crying at work today. 

[fleaball]

Things You Should Not Say When You Have a Terminal Illness: "Oh honey, I think it's too late for me." 

 

For context, I had texted to ask if she wanted to discuss flights for graduation. She called me a few minutes later, and what she meant by the above was that it's too late in the day and she can't concentrate on that right now. But I may have forgotten how to breathe for a minute there. I didn't know whether she meant she wouldn't be able to come down, or if there was news they hadn't told me, or what the fuck was happening. Jesus Christ. 

 

20 hours ago, Severine said:

Aggggh well meaning clueless screwups by sick people are a really crap thing to deal with. I guess in this instance your dad's tendency to just not talk about feelingsy stuff is working in your favour, at least. FWIW, a lot of people who say casually shitty things about LGBT people (or any people they see as different from them) tend to change their tune when it turns out to be someone they know and love. So maybe there's even a bit of a mental turnaround going on, or will be in the future.

 

The stuff with crying makes all kinds of sense to me. Anyone at work with a soul, if they've noticed, is just quietly hoping that you're okay.

I mean he may have even forgotten at this point since he's such a disaster. And yeah I know that happens. I guess it just pisses me off that it's a thing because why can't you be a decent human being without knowing someone personally? But that's a rant for another day. I have no hope for my father being one of those people though because he's racist as fuck and definitely has not-white coworkers.

 

lol maybe. It's probably a good thing my team's been so slow (or least didn't have anything I could help with) this week, because this morning I went in and my eyes were so swollen. I was sincerely hoping I wouldn't run into someone I knew in the elevator. 

 

12 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

Your mother just used your logic to help you....

 

To be fair, this is a mom thing. I'm the go between a lot between the kids and my husband because I'm the one who is more likely to be like, "whatever". 

 

I mean, I get the opposite point in this case - where once the dust settles, you'll have to deal with your dad and how he now knows and what does he feel about it. But at the same time, I would think that him knowing you have your mother's support is going to be helpful in this situation.

 

I also get the dysfunctional part - the whole, "too little, too late" thing that you can't say because it'll just make you seem like a horrible person (as an FYI - I don't think it would make you a horrible person, I would be the same way). There's definitely a whole therapist conversation about what would be better for YOU long-term. 

I'm not understanding what logic she used against me? 

 

Yeah, she's been the one in the past to tell him off if he's being more of a dick than usual. And I get that like, parents always want to protect their kids or whatever. But that's not the point. It doesn't matter than he didn't have anything to say. It wouldn't matter if he'd run off and joined the nearest Pride group. The point is that who to come out to and when is a personal decision and no one should be making that decision for me. When I came out to her I literally said that a) I was not telling him and b.) I wasn't even planning on telling her unless I wound up with a girlfriend but given the current circumstances I was telling her now anyway and c.) it's not that I was ashamed of it or whatever but it's just not a thing I was telling them. And all that just went out the window. It's not that I'm afraid of him (he's more fucked than I am if we stop talking to each other, and there's not much he can do to me from 600 miles away), it's just that it's none of his business. It's not a thing I wanted him to know and now he does. 

 

And honestly I just don't understand why people can't wrap their heads around the fact that it's not okay. We don't live in a utopia. We live in a world where people get the shit beaten out them just because they "look" gay. Where you can legally get married in every state but be fired for it in a good number of them. (Because lol that appeals court ruling saying we're protected by the Civil Rights Act isn't going to last long in this administration.) It's still not safe for us and if someone isn't out to certain people it could be for a very good reason you don't know about. Who's to say my father's not waiting to process this later, once my mother dies and he's not running around crazy every day? I honestly don't believe anything will come of it in my situation, but there's at least one gun in my parents' house. Possibly more. Grief makes people do crazy things. In a different family, that protective gesture could very well get someone killed once the protector is gone. 

 

All of this, beyond the general don't fucking out people, just feels so typical of my mother not knowing anything about me and just going about doing things without making an effort to get it right. I was diagnosed with anxiety 6 years ago and she still doesn't understand what anxiety is or how it affects me? Doesn't understand what my field of study is despite my explaining it to her since 2014 and is still telling people I'm going to move to Paris and open my own consulting business? So this is just another thing in a long list of "I'm going to work within my own interpretation and not stop to think about what the reality might be or what the repercussions are." 

 

On a related note, my therapist suggested that since I can't actually take off on my mother the way I would love to do, I write it all out in a letter that she'll never see. Whether it's just about outing me or about all the other things I'm mad about and will never get to resolve. And at some point she'll have me read it out loud and we'll go through it. Which will be difficult when i'm crying through it but sure, why not. And because yeah, no, if I were to confront her about anything at all it wouldn't help me. I'd feel more guilty about upsetting her than relieved about finally saying what I wanted to say.

[Dagger]

The stuff that happens when I don't check the forum for 2 days.

 

Dysfunctional families suck. I don't have an overly dysfunctional family, mostly because I can navigate it so the dysfunction doesn't affect me anymore. But boy, it is infuriating and upsetting at times.

 

I like your therapist's idea of writing a letter and going through it later. I also totally get the fact that you'd cry through the reading aloud. I would too.

 

<3 you

[Sylvaa]

9 hours ago, fleaball said:

And honestly I just don't understand why people can't wrap their heads around the fact that it's not okay. We don't live in a utopia. We live in a world where people get the shit beaten out them just because they "look" gay. Where you can legally get married in every state but be fired for it in a good number of them. (Because lol that appeals court ruling saying we're protected by the Civil Rights Act isn't going to last long in this administration.) It's still not safe for us and if someone isn't out to certain people it could be for a very good reason you don't know about. Who's to say my father's not waiting to process this later, once my mother dies and he's not running around crazy every day? I honestly don't believe anything will come of it in my situation, but there's at least one gun in my parents' house. Possibly more. Grief makes people do crazy things. In a different family, that protective gesture could very well get someone killed once the protector is gone. 

 

Because it's hard.

 

Seriously. Those of us who are heterosexual do not get it. Honestly, that portion of it never occurred to me when I was thinking about the pros and cons of your mother telling your father. And I'm here enough in your thread that I should have thought about it. 

 

The thing is, those of us that love you (and I count myself in that group) are focused on YOU being happy. And if that is with a guy or a girl or a freaking thousand cats, then so be it. We don't get the danger because we don't get your fear. And I'm not saying your fear isn't justified, because it totally is. I'm just saying that those of us who are "safe" in who we love can't comprehend it. 

 

FWIW, I've never told my husband. Not because he'd care, but because you would.

[Severine]

On 4/14/2017 at 11:33 PM, fleaball said:

Things You Should Not Say When You Have a Terminal Illness: "Oh honey, I think it's too late for me." 

 

I would have possibly had a heart attack. I'm glad you got context in short order. Holy crap.

 

On 4/14/2017 at 11:33 PM, fleaball said:

I mean he may have even forgotten at this point since he's such a disaster. And yeah I know that happens. I guess it just pisses me off that it's a thing because why can't you be a decent human being without knowing someone personally? But that's a rant for another day. I have no hope for my father being one of those people though because he's racist as fuck and definitely has not-white coworkers.

 

Oh yeah, it's infuriating that people often seem to need things to connect to them personally before they care. Like every time I hear someone trying to talk someone out of their belief in shitty rape myths by saying, "right, but what if it was your daughter/wife/sister/mother wearing a sexy dress, would you still say she deserved it?" I want to scream. Because right, why would that person care about women except the ones that belong to them??? If everyone had more empathy this would would be so different.

 

On the practical side, though, you have enough to deal with and at the moment I'm just glad he's not causing you any problems. I didn't know about the racism, though. That worries me extra double because he'a cop. Ugh.

 

On 4/14/2017 at 11:33 PM, fleaball said:

It doesn't matter than he didn't have anything to say. It wouldn't matter if he'd run off and joined the nearest Pride group. The point is that who to come out to and when is a personal decision and no one should be making that decision for me. When I came out to her I literally said that a) I was not telling him and b.) I wasn't even planning on telling her unless I wound up with a girlfriend but given the current circumstances I was telling her now anyway and c.) it's not that I was ashamed of it or whatever but it's just not a thing I was telling them. And all that just went out the window. It's not that I'm afraid of him (he's more fucked than I am if we stop talking to each other, and there's not much he can do to me from 600 miles away), it's just that it's none of his business. It's not a thing I wanted him to know and now he does. 

 

Yeah, all of this. This is why so many people hesitate to come out even to people they're not worried will freak out. Because once you do, you lose control of the information. And that means all of a sudden your life can potentially be complicated or ruined by random people who talk without thinking. It can affect jobs, access to housing, safety, etc. 

 

What your mum did was a betrayal of trust. She disregarded your very clearly stated wishes and substituted her judgement for yours. And she didn't even warn you. It's completely not okay. There's no good way of handling it now (I like the letter idea from your therapist) so all I can say is that really sucks and I'm sorry.

 

On 4/14/2017 at 11:33 PM, fleaball said:

All of this, beyond the general don't fucking out people, just feels so typical of my mother not knowing anything about me and just going about doing things without making an effort to get it right. I was diagnosed with anxiety 6 years ago and she still doesn't understand what anxiety is or how it affects me? Doesn't understand what my field of study is despite my explaining it to her since 2014 and is still telling people I'm going to move to Paris and open my own consulting business? So this is just another thing in a long list of "I'm going to work within my own interpretation and not stop to think about what the reality might be or what the repercussions are." 

 

I think this is a pretty common thing in certain families. It certainly happens in mine. My mother has this picture in her head of who she thinks I am and it has way more to do with what is convenient for her to imagine, and to weave into her own narrative of what she thinks her family should be like, than anything to do with my real personality and beliefs. She even tries to disagree with me about what I think or prefer. It's so surreal. It hurts, honestly. Because it makes it clear to me that she's more interested in the picture of me she has in her head and the functions it can serve for reinforcing her self-serving worldview than actually knowing anything about me. And it's a self-perpetuating cycle because the less she seems interested in really knowing me, the less I tell her.

 

I know it doesn't make it feel less shitty that you're not the only one but I guess what I'm saying is this is a thing that happens and it's nothing that you did, and doesn't even mean that your mother doesn't care about you. I think it happens when people have an avoidant coping mechanism and are uncomfortable facing the truth of their own feelings/relationships, and so they end up imagining less confusing fantasy versions of the people they know, because it's simpler/easier/less scary than trying to have complex relationships with the unpredictability of people whose experiences and worldview they don't necessarily understand. Essentially this is about your mum and how she handles things, not about you. Your mum just sucks at feelings and sucks at seeing things from perspectives very different from her own, and it has led to this dysfunctional relationship style because she wants to stick to the safe and familiar even if it's not real.

 

On 4/14/2017 at 11:33 PM, fleaball said:

On a related note, my therapist suggested that since I can't actually take off on my mother the way I would love to do, I write it all out in a letter that she'll never see. Whether it's just about outing me or about all the other things I'm mad about and will never get to resolve. And at some point she'll have me read it out loud and we'll go through it. Which will be difficult when i'm crying through it but sure, why not. And because yeah, no, if I were to confront her about anything at all it wouldn't help me. I'd feel more guilty about upsetting her than relieved about finally saying what I wanted to say.

 

I think that sounds like a really good idea and I like your therapist. 

[Dagger]

38 minutes ago, Severine said:

I like your therapist. 

I think we can all agree on this point.

[Briniel]

16 minutes ago, Dagger said:

I think we can all agree on this point.

True that. I want to be like her when I grow up.

[fleaball]

7 hours ago, Sylvaa said:

 

Because it's hard.

 

Seriously. Those of us who are heterosexual do not get it. Honestly, that portion of it never occurred to me when I was thinking about the pros and cons of your mother telling your father. And I'm here enough in your thread that I should have thought about it. 

 

The thing is, those of us that love you (and I count myself in that group) are focused on YOU being happy. And if that is with a guy or a girl or a freaking thousand cats, then so be it. We don't get the danger because we don't get your fear. And I'm not saying your fear isn't justified, because it totally is. I'm just saying that those of us who are "safe" in who we love can't comprehend it. 

 

FWIW, I've never told my husband. Not because he'd care, but because you would.

I get what you're saying, but I'm not going to reply because I'm currently pissed at the world and will wind up taking it out on you since this is an issue I'm easily pissed off about anyway. It would not be a productive discussion. 

[fleaball]

Why is it so difficult for people to walk in a straight line? I kept trying to get around this lady in the metro and every time I did she wandered back into my path. She even went right and then weaved back to use the gate on the far left and yelled at me for trying to cut in front of her. 

 

I am in a fucking mood again. Called my advisor prof lady to say my statistics didn't work out yesterday, I just want to confirm that this is what I should be doing since this is what we've been talking about anyway. And now I'm on my way to campus to do more research (there legit is nothing on what we're trying to look at. I may not have written my lit review but I've done research and the two books I've found straight up say there's no coherent theory on this yet) and then she'll be joining me after an hour and a half. For god knows how long. I suppose I'm grateful that she's as involved as she is and so she knows what the problems are and also that she is willing to meet (her idea) on such short notice, but on the other hand I feel like it wouldn't be quite so hard if she weren't all over the place? At different points over the semester she's said that I shouldn't expect to find a lot of information for my lit review, and then that I need to go more in depth on things. Also that we're only looking for surface-level tiff here and that someone else can go deeper in the future, and that I need to go deeper now and expand on things she's already told me were more than sufficient. I will do the work, I swear, I just need to know what work I'm supposed to be fucking doing at this point. Le sigh. She's also telling me I should look into this specific guy's research to see what he says about my topic, because she's not very familiar with him but she's knows he's done intercultural stuff. Spoiler: it's the guy I mentioned in @Dagger's thread last week and I know he hasn't done what I'm looking for. Does it matter that I've studied him and she hasn't? Nope. I have to waste time looking for information that doesn't exist. 

 

Raaaaage. 

 

eta: this is cute. The elevator AND escalator at the metro stop are both not working. I cannot walk up this thing. What the fuck. 

[Dagger]

49 minutes ago, fleaball said:

eta: this is cute. The elevator AND escalator at the metro stop are both not working. I cannot walk up this thing. What the fuck.

Walking up stopped escalators sucks so much. So much that my knees sometimes hates me if I force them to do it... (Only for a day or so but still...)

[fleaball]

Just now, Dagger said:

Walking up stopped escalators sucks so much. So much that my knees sometimes hates me if I force them to do it... (Only for a day or so but still...)

Yeah I mean it sucks in general. But if you saw the one I posted in my challenge thread the other day, this one is twice as long at least, and feels steeper. Between the asthma and my ankle acting up, there's no way in hell. :/

[Dagger]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

Yeah I mean it sucks in general. But if you saw the one I posted in my challenge thread the other day, this one is twice as long at least, and feels steeper. Between the asthma and my ankle acting up, there's no way in hell. :/

D:

 

I'd probably have twingy knees for a few days if I had to walk up a long escalator. So while I don't totally get it, I mostly do.

[fleaball]

Okay. I'm not sure what I just spent 3 hours talking with this woman about but I feel vaguely better about it? Maybe only because she seems just as confused as I am re: what we wanted to do vs. what we can do with the time we have. Confused and also frustrated. 

 

Aaaaand the draft is due by midnight on the 29th (a Saturday!) instead of 5pm on the 24th like I was dreading. Huzzah. 

 

Ps @Severine L's dissertation sounds super fascinating but also wow I feel like if I were the one writing it I would have thrown myself out a window. A thousand points for them. 

[fleaball]

I am cry. I woke up at 5:30 for no reason whatsoever and couldn't get back to sleep. I think I may have hovered in that not sleeping but not really awake state for a bit? But needless to say I am tired and unhappy. I got to bed earlier last night than in a while too.  So I was looking forward to actual sleep. 

 

And now I'm debating whether, on top of all my other work, I want to force myself to read Atlas Shrugged for an essay contest. The grand prize is $20k but it's due a week from Friday and this book is 560k words. (Which is a lot of pages. But since fanfic is counted in words I understand this more.) I got an honorable mention for the Anthem essay contest my English teacher made us enter in high school so I might have a shot but ugh. Time. And also Ayn Rand. More ugh. Although if I could find a PDF of it I'd totally start reading it at work because I don't want to do any of my papers this very moment. 

 

Happy zero week?

[NeverThatBored]

1 hour ago, fleaball said:

lthough if I could find a PDF of it I'd totally start reading it at work because I don't want to do any of my papers this very moment. 

 

Google atlas shrugged pdf. It's literally the first result.

[fleaball]

12 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

Google atlas shrugged pdf. It's literally the first result.

You're the bestest. I swear I was going to do that but I got distracted by my stupid paper. 

[fleaball]

The woman who won the Boston Marathon did it in 2:21:53. That's 5:41 per mile. Meanwhile I'm over here thinking "it would be nice to start c25k again and one day run a mile without stopping." Lulz. (Not down on myself I promise. Just super stark contrast.) 

 

I'm on page 10 of this 1053-page PDF. I regret everything. NTB is not my friend anymore. 

[Severine]

If you win that essay contest, just don't put it on your resume

[NeverThatBored]

2 hours ago, fleaball said:

The woman who won the Boston Marathon did it in 2:21:53. That's 5:41 per mile. Meanwhile I'm over here thinking "it would be nice to start c25k again and one day run a mile without stopping." Lulz. (Not down on myself I promise. Just super stark contrast.) 

 

 

I SO FEEL YOU ON THIS. It's amazing when people can run SO FAST, and not just for a single mile, but over and over again for over two hours. 

 

 

I'm ignoring that friend comment!  

[fleaball]

16 minutes ago, Severine said:

If you win that essay contest, just don't put it on your resume

Jesus no. I'll take their money but that's about it. It's bad enough that when you google my name one of the only results that's actually me is the winners list from that year. 

 

8 minutes ago, NeverThatBored said:

 

I SO FEEL YOU ON THIS. It's amazing when people can run SO FAST, and not just for a single mile, but over and over again for over two hours. 

 

 

I'm ignoring that friend comment!  

Seriously. It also kills me that people run for longer, although slower. A friend of mine did a half in DC a few years ago and it took her 4 hours and some change I think? Just the thought of doing it for that long makes me shudder. 

 

<3

[fleaball]

I'd also like to take a moment to point out that the song Contact from RENT makes me incredibly uncomfortable. And I'm not really sure why either. 

 

As you were. 

[Sylvaa]

26 minutes ago, fleaball said:

I'd also like to take a moment to point out that the song Contact from RENT makes me incredibly uncomfortable. And I'm not really sure why either. 

 

As you were. 

 

I have a hatred of Over the Moon. 

Spoiler

I seriously dislike Idina Menzel's voice. Please Frozen fans, don't hurt me. 

 

[fleaball]

2 minutes ago, Sylvaa said:

 

I have a hatred of Over the Moon. 

  Hide contents

I seriously dislike Idina Menzel's voice. Please Frozen fans, don't hurt me. 

 

I fucking loathe Over the Moon. She doesn't bother me much in Frozen and I don't know why. 

 

Fuck me. Since I said "loathe" I now have What is this Feeling from Wicked stuck in my head. Whyyy. 

[fleaball]

Flea (repeatedly over the course of the last few weeks): Hey prof lady, I think I should exclude metro DC from my data set because reasons. and more reasons.

 

Prof lady (repeatedly): No, you need to keep those cities in there because that's valuable data. 

 

Flea: *bangs head on wall*

 

Tonight:

Other girl doing related project: Flea, I'm a little concerned that you've got metro DC in here so many times. Don't you think it will skew your data?

 

Flea: well-

 

Prof lady: that's such a good point! DC really is an anomaly and not representative of the rest of the country so you should exclude all those cities. 

 

Flea: