need some advice - possible alcohol dependence issue

[ebm1224]

i don't post here terribly often lately (though i still <3 you guys!) but i'm dealing with something and i could really use some advice. there are people in real life i could talk to, maybe, but since the person i'm concerned about also knows these folks, i don't want to risk spreading gossip around/etc.

so here we go.

i'm concerned that someone i care about alot may be developing a drinking problem. he doesn't have any of the tell-tale signs (trouble at work or in relationships because of drinking, etc.) but i definitely find he's getting to a point of excess much more frequently lately.

i've always had a fear/issue with vomit so, for me, i always tried to stop drinking before i got to that point. i also tend to feel nauseous when i drink more than a couple of drinks so, basically, i'm not and never have been, a heavy drinker. i realize that others are not like that and that some people will even continue drinking after they've become physically sick.

question: is the point where you throw up from drinking important? or is it kind of an arbitrary line? i always figured that when you throw up your body is basically rejecting what you've given it so that's an important point to realize and avoid. but i could be wrong. thoughts?

this person was a heavy drinker in his late teens and early twenties. i started spending time with him about 4 years ago and, in the first 3.5 years of that, i know of maybe 3-4 times he got physically sick from drinking. that has happened 3-4 times in the past few months now...and that has led me to be concerned.

he might say that, since he doesn't drink as much as he used to, when he does drink to excess, he has a tendency to get drunker on less...like he doesn't know his own tolerance and overdoes it more frequently. i can understand that but i'm surprised he doesn't learn from his experiences and adjust the next time he drinks (again, i realize this is all sort of based on trying to avoid getting sick which obviously doesn't bother others).

anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated even if you just want to tell me i'm overreacting

[illuminatus]

Hey ebm1224, up until recently I lived with my brother who, for all intents and purpose, has a self acknowledged drinking problem. He would drink before work and after and sometimes all weekend. His main intent was to get himself to a point where he would forget about the bad stuff that was going on in his life.

What is your friend's reason for wanting to drink to excess?

[Gobnait]

Throwing up is the body's reaction to poison or a situation where the stomach contents hinder you. (It really is a great gift, allowing us to try and eat things that we shouldn't be.)

If you nag him, he's just going to do it while you're not around and possibly taking in more than if you allow him to. Talking to him about just the puking part may be a doorway to the whole issue.

But basically, the only way to make him stop is either he wants to stop, or you get him locked up long enough to get clean, and he might decide to start back up later.

As far as the impulse control and losing his own tolerance, he might need external signals beyond counting how many glasses he poured. At that point, yes it's another sign for alcoholism, and it does come in many flavors of functional.

Go do some more research. It's better to have a controlled but major reaction than it is to under-react.

[illuminatus]

Let me rephrase because I worded what I meant incorrectly. Have you asked him about why he likes to drink to excess? He definitely sounds like he might be having a problem, so finding out what his reason is can really help you to sort through what he is going through. If that's the case, then the hard part is find out why your friend feels the need to drink that much. The dependence can be fought with support from friends and family but the emotional issues which often force those with dependence issues to retreat back to their vice can be harder to beat. I'm with Kelekona, do some research, see if maybe your friend's family has a history of substance abuse as it can often be hereditary. Also, if your friend has gone through any recent emotional upheavals, that can force a lapse back toward dependency

[Raincloak]

Unless he's developed a weak stomach (which is always possible, he could be suffering from some illness or he could have a new medication...), drinking till he barfs may be a sign of binge drinking. Which is extremely unhealthy behavior. It can cause chronic long-term damage as well as a risk of immediate death or injury (and property damage, and jail time...) Long-term issues include liver damage, brain damage, and weight gain. Short-term risks include death by alcohol poisoning, death by aspirating your own vomit while unconscious (charming huh?), expensive visits to the ER to avoid same, and death/injury/jail time due to the stupid things people do when they're drunk. Bear in mind that a drunk person is not only a danger to himself, but to anyone around him as well, particularly if he gets his hands on a firearm or a vehicle. No matter how safe and sane your friend is when he's sober, if he gets drunk all bets are off, because ethanol literally affects the part of your brain that governs self-control.

I suggest you ask him whether he has any problems or "bad stuff" going on that he wants to talk about. Listen to what he says. If you find a time in the conversation to make a comment, gently say something like, "I noticed you seem to be drinking a lot lately. Is everything okay? I don't like seeing you hurt yourself." See how he reacts.

He may be aware there's a problem. He could say, "Yeah, I can't seem to keep it under control." If that happens, there's your cue to offer help or steer him toward an AA hotline.

Or he might say, "There's no problem, leave me alone." In which case you've probably done all you can do, though it might be a good idea to call AA yourself (they have a support network for friends/relatives of those with drinking problems, and they can probably advise you further). If he has any other close friends or relatives, you might want to quietly talk to them as well and see if they've noticed the same thing as you.

Alcoholism is insidious because a lot of people have it for years before their friends notice anything wrong. Alcoholics get very good at hiding and coping. As Kelekona said, "it does come in many flavors of functional." You don't have to be jailed for DUI or beat your girlfriend when drunk for it to be a problem.* If it's making him sick, it's a problem.

* soapbox: I feel compelled to point out that even if your friend refuses to control his drinking, he can at least commit to not driving when drunk. The cost of legal help for a single DUI would buy you cab rides home every Saturday night for the rest of your life. Literally, it's thousands of dollars, maybe tens of thousands. (The alternative is jail time, which would cost you even more, since you'd be out of work for weeks and probably get fired into the bargain.) So please do whatever it takes to convince your friend he should NEVER drive after drinking. Aside from the huge financial risk, he could kill somebody -- not just himself.

[Athaclena]

Everything Raincloak said.

I come from a long line of functional alcoholics. Having a glass or two of wine or a single drink with dinner is one thing. When you pour yourself a strong one the second you walk in the door and keep it up until you fall into bed is another. As is going out every Friday/Saturday and drinking until your body rejects it.

If he's doing either of those, it's time for an intervention before it gets worse. By worse I mean getting behind the wheel or thinking it's ok to drink before heading to work or at lunch. Or drinking heavily and still being intoxicated when you get up to go to work the next day. And then hiding the vodka at home/work and drinking 24/7.

Be there to talk. If he's drinking more than previously, mention that you notice he's been doing that and if there's something he wants/needs to talk about. In my experience, even DUIs and jail time may not be enough for people to admit they have a problem. And until they admit they have a problem, they won't truly get help and stay sober. I have gone so far as to call the cops on folks getting behind the wheel who shouldn't and can't be talked out of it. I've lost friends because of it. But I'd rather lose a friend that way then in the multi-car accident they cause. I have a zero tolerance policy on the subject. When I was 4 my uncle moved in to live with us for a year while recovering from a head-on collision with a drunk driver.

Needless to say - I rarely drink and when I do, I don't get behind the wheel. I've been the designated driver many a night. I'm more than capable of having fun with my friends without alcohol. I sip my diet soda and laugh at all the drunk idiots and make sure my friends get home safely.